What I Bring to the Mat and Christmas,t oo.

So, I was taking a jaunt around Yoga Journal's Community page as I do more and more often these days (it's like facebook but for yogis, don't ya know!) and I happened upon someone who posted a blog about what he brings to his yoga mat each day. It was really moving to read and I think that it's definitely something we all ought to think about for ourselves.

What do we, individually as yogis and yoginis, bring to the mat? Yes, yoga is about union and about letting go of the ego, but like we say and I've said before, it has to start within. So I think it's important for all of us yogis to highlight what it is that we bring to the mat, to our practice, to our community. I think it would be neat if this started a chain (and we can all credit sat-nam for being the inspiration). In that spirit, I'm going to go ahead and go next:

When I step on my mat, I bring with me a girl who is only beginning to learn and live life. I bring a girl who is healing from mental wounds, self-inflicted. I bring a girl who was lost in the world and who punished herself for it. I bring fear. But I bring courage, too. I bring a yearning and willingness to let go of the past. I bring a girl who has only begun to taste true freedom. I bring a girl who knows deep down that she is beautiful and worthy of the good in life. I bring persistence in my quest. I bring a girl who is resolved to never give up on herself again.

I bring intellect, thoughtfulness and insight. I bring a mind that has faith in a power outside myself and longs to be united with it. I bring a heart that continues to open. I bring a desire for peace, inside myself and out. I bring compassion.

On my mat, I am a student of life who is no longer reluctant. I am inquisitive. I ask for help when help is needed. I am a girl who is learning to release her pride. My mind and heart are sponges. I am a leader too. I bring a dream of helping others like me to find peace. I bring a message to everyone so they may know they deserve peace.

I express myself with the suppleness that comes from youth and am grateful for the opportunity to grow and mature. I begin to express myself without fear. I learn to stay true to myself. I bring awe inspired by the beauty of life. I bring appreciation for my fellow yogis and yoginis. I relish in the energy we create.

And I try with my whole being to bring mindfulness to my mat. To live in this moment and to know that this moment is perfect. I bring the gentle reminder that there is no fight to survive. Everything is as it should be in this very moment and so everything is perfect. I bring an inner light that glows brighter the longer I practice and reaches out to the world.

When I come to my mat and I sit down, I imagine myself as a child sitting down for story time. I am the Earth's child, eager to hear Her story and beside myself with joy to learn that I, that we, are Her story.

When I am on my mat, and I am in this place in me, and you are in this place in you, we are one. When I come to my mat, I cease to exist as an individual and I am home.

Namaste.

~~~~~~~~~~~


So there was that. I'm separating that from this bottom bit because the top part was really for my YJ Blog, but I thought I'd share it here too.

In other news... You ought to have seen the look on my mom's face when I asked her if we could all go to Midnight Mass tonight. It's very un-me to want to do anything related to organized religion, but as I was driving in from Evansville and I was listening to one of my favorite religious Christmas songs ("Mary's Boychild," if you cared to know...), I got a nudge from outside myself to attend Midnight Mass. In my quest to reach the Energy outside of myself, I understood from this sudden urge that if I keep my heart open to it, this is the right place for me to be tonight. Where better to go to honor peace and love in this world? Maybe Catholicism has ceased to be the way for me, but I feel on this Christmas eve that there is a phenomenal energy buzzing through the land and I need to be there for it.

Fear- the extended version

So today I had a lot of pent up energy and I felt a little scattered and spastic. Then when I was at yoga, laying in relaxation after our practice and it hit me what that energy was that was coursing through my veins: fear.

I don't have a lot of deep revelations about fear or anything really insightful to say about it. I actually just want to air my fears. I'm looking at it this way: I'm going to lay them out there, say them to you, say them to myself and then I'm going to practice letting go of them. I'm going to practice confidence in myself and I'm going to practice trust in myself. I was laying there at the end of class today, trying my best and, I'll admit, struggling to relax and let idle thoughts pass me by, recognizing them with out judgment and just letting them go right out of my mind again, to be attended to later. Somewhere in there it dawned on me that of all the people in all the world, it often happens that I am the person I trust the least. Sometimes when I am about to embark on a new journey and a new experience, before the time comes to take action, I will doubt myself and my abilities. Sometimes I don't trust that I can be a leader.

Okay, I'll stop being ambiguous. The time for me to begin teaching yoga is drawing nigh and I'm scared. I did a home practice recently and while it was good and fine... it didn't feel the same as when I'm being led by a teacher. When you go to a yoga class, you do the yoga that is right for you but in the style of the teacher. I was at home and it occurred to me that I don't know what my personal yoga style is. So I'm slowly discovering it; I won't fully know until I do more practices on my own. It's exciting, absolutely, but it's also scary. It's like starting all over from the beginning. So then I got nervous about leading a class when I'm not even sure what my style is. And what if my style doesn't suit the students? What if people leave my class without a feeling of satisfaction and fulfillment? How can I possibly ever be as effective a teacher as the ones I look up to so much?

You see where this is/was going? I say is/was because in relaxation tonight I felt a release. I still need to really, really, really let go of these fears. I must practice with resolve my ability to recognize that I am not those fears and they will not rule me. Recognizing the source of my feelings and my fears today felt like the first huge leap to letting them go. My yoga is a budding lotus flower. It is growing and blossoming. With practice and time, I will become comfortable in my style. It might be different than what people at our studio are used to. I'm not Chris. I'm not Andrew. No one expects me to be them. Yoga is inherently "perfect," when practiced mindfully and with intent, it can never be wrong. In such a way, we will always receive something we need in each of our practices.

Also, I need to take the teachers off the pedestal I've put them on. They have opened their arms to me as a peer. The saying goes that it is only when we achieve non-attachment that we are free and equal. So then, only by detaching myself from the notion that these people are somehow greater than me (physically, spiritually, emotionally), can I become their equal. It's so simple yet I continue to see this theme and a struggle in my life. (Who doesn't though, really?)

I'm beginning to see this pattern of fear and lack of confidence and trust in myself and am becoming familiar with what brings it to the forefront. In savasana tonight, after my little revelation, the first thing I did was affirm myself. It's the jumping off point here, really. I know I'm strong and ambitious and dedicated to this and when I pause, breath and envision myself as a yoga teacher, deep inside of me I feel the truth and I know my capability. I have astounding potential inside of me.

The same goes not just for me, but for all of us. For all of us who suffer at the hands of our fears. So let's all practice together. Let's let go. Let's release our fears. Let's rise up above our egos.

Let's all be the blossoming lotus and most certainly let us remember how this flower is beautiful in all stages of its growth.

On Being Who I Am

Yesterday traffic in Evansville was awful. A drive that normally takes me 8 minutes took 20. It was quite possibly one of the most annoying experiences in my life. So there I was in my car, fuming slightly and talking to myself road-rage style: Not sure why the guy in front of me was such a huge jerk and had to leave so very many car lengths between himself and the car and the one in front of him. Pretty miffed about the fact that only 2 or 3 cars were making it through stop lights because the idiots making left hand turns were running red lights. You know... the usual. And then, after a while of this (I mean, relatively speaking, I was in the car for a long time...), the thought occurred to me that I was sitting in my car, headed back to my apartment to do yoga, thinking bad thoughts about people. In that instant, I felt like a fraud. When I go to yoga, and when I meditate, I create an atmosphere inside myself of peace, quiet and love and I feel good about myself, sending love outwards to others. Yet here I was, settling into my frustration and allowing it to envelope me. I didn't feel very true to the yogini in me at that moment. It made me feel... well... bad.

Tonight at yoga class, true to form, Andrew hit the nail right on the head with his intuitiveness. (I'll leave my theories about his unique abilities to read my mind for another day.) At the end of class he said this: "Remember when you're outside of here that you are the same person as you are in this quiet place on your mat." He went on noting that when we get frustrated or impatient or angry in public, it's important to come back to our breath and remember who we are when we're in that place. (Seriously... Andrew just plain freaks me out sometimes...)

The point is, we are calm, loving, peaceful people. When we come to the studio, we make it a point to leave our baggage at the door. I'm realizing now the importance of carrying my yoga practice outside the studio and not leaving it on my mat. The outside needs the work of the inside to function properly.

So we arrive at my new goal: to carry my yoga practice with me outside of the studio, and off of my meditation mat. To remember that I am the same person in both circumstances. I cultivate peace and love. I breath in strength in the midst of a challenge. I let go of attachment to ideas.

I am a yogini.

i'm all ears

The time isn't right for any words on fear just yet.

Instead I have a few words about listening. The saying goes that prayer is talking to the Divine and meditation is listening. I think that we, as people, tend to a lot of talking, a lot of asking. But when it comes to listening, we just don't seem to have time. Or we aren't open to the answer. It's very easy to ask, but my goal now is to listen and to receive openly. The answers can often be so subtle that if we aren't in tune, if we aren't paying direct attention, we won't realize that it ever came.

Listening takes practice and patience and an open mind/heart. Today was one of those rewarding days in meditation. So often in meditation we get frustrated because we don't have revelations or epiphanies every time we sit and so we give up. It's hard, but I am trying to be persistent and consistent. It's like payday. You have to work a while and then at the end of the pay period, you get a check. So there I was and I had prayed and I had come to a place in my meditation where I was listening, for a change. Really listening.

And I got an answer.

I knew I was listening because I really felt that it wasn't me that gave me that answer. The answer came from the greater Me, the part of me that is Divine, the part of me that I attempt to reach through my yoga practice and my meditation. I recognized that I hadn't just "come up" with an answer. I'd received an answer.

It was a really neat feeling and it reinforced the idea I've mentioned before about the universe taking care of me. In yoga teacher training the other day, we were beginning a meditation and Chris came over and laid a blanket over me. It was a gesture that was tender and nurturing and motherly. What I got from listening today was the same thing. A tender, nurturing gesture from my Mother.

The time and effort to meditate seems to be a small price come pay day.

Fear

Been thinking about it a lot lately. More to come later.

Campaign of Gratitude: Day 5

Today I'm grateful for the following (presented in list form because I'm too tired and pressed for time to provide fluff this morning):

1. Finding the local radio station that plays Christmas music 24x7 this month.
2. Trader Joe's array of frozen burritos.
3. Not having had to be a shopper on Black Friday.
4. Surviving working Black Friday at Hallmark.
5. A free pound of coffee a week.
6. Revisiting the teeny-bopper that still resides deep in my heart and swooning with Laura at the movie theater, watching Twilight.
   
7. That I made all my Thanksgiving travels in safety, which is a lot more than many other people in the country can say.
8. The sweet relief that Child's Pose, Hero's Pose and Legs-up-the-Wall provide after a long day on my feet and legs.

Happy Holidays, friends. Be kind to those who work retail, be patient in line, don't get caught up in materialism. Remember that the whole point of this is to GIVE. And not to just give THINGS but to give your thoughts, your love and spread joy.

Campaign of Gratitude: Day 4 aka Gratitude Vomit

Today, I'm thankful for... well... today.

I'm thankful for a really fantastic morning yoga class that I really feel brought me in to spiritual alignment with this Thanksgiving day. I'm thankful for the energy of love and compassion and gratitude that resides in my Sangha and thus, resides in me.

I'm thankful that my kitten has little ways of showing me she loves me and that she misses me when I'm not home.

I'm thankful for a my 30% employee discount at Starbucks. I'm VERY thankful for Starbucks Lemon Loaf. I'm EXTREMELY thankful for triple shot lattes.

I'm thankful I made it to St. Louis safely. I'm thankful gas is even cheaper here than in Evansville. (Although I'll save my concerns about what deflation does for those of us paying back any sort of loan for a day that I'm not supposed to be giving thanks...) I'm thankful for getting to do 2 loads of FREE (to me) laundry.

I'm thankful for a kitchen full to the brim of delicious food today, when, for so many others in the world, today is just another day they are hungry. (Wow... all of a sudden I don't feel right about my impending over indulgence...)

I'm thankful to have gotten to spend a portion of this day with my Sangha, for getting to next spend a portion of this day with my family and more still, for getting to spend a portion of this day with my best friend.

I'm thankful to have so very many things to be thankful for when the day is barely half over.

I'm not just living dharma today, I'm living luck.

Campaign of Gratitude: Day 3

Sweet, sweet patience.

I attempted to write this blog three separate times today but every time, I was at a loss for what to be thankful for today. Sure, I found things to be thankful for, but nothing for which I was so thankful that I wanted to dedicate an entire day's blog to it and it alone. So I said to myself each time, "Well, the day's not over. I'll wait and I'm sure by the day's end, something will come forward." Et voila.

Today,then, I'm thankful for two things. 1) Patience, and 2) I am thankful for T-Mobile. They are always so splendidly helpful on a regular basis and that's something I really, truly appreciate. (Especially as someone who used to be a Sprint-subscriber. I experienced truly awful service during those dark days.) Suffice it to say that I'm very enthusiastic about my cell phone service provider. And suffice it to say that my heart just swelled to three times its normal size.

T-Mobile is running a promotion through part of December that offers it's subscribers free companion flights for renewing their service for two years. How amazing is that?! They just made my dream of taking a cross-country vacation to Seattle next year come true.

Spectacular! Thanks, T-Mobile!

Campaign of Gratitude: Day 2

Today I’m grateful for Young Adult Literature.

It occurs to me, looking at my bookshelf now, that YA lit has brought me countless hours of entertainment. How many times have I escaped to the world of Harry Potter, in book or movie form? How often did I scan the pages of Mugglenet.com, dissecting every word J.K. Rowling ever wrote? How many tears has John Green stolen from me? How many laughs from Maureen Johnson? And now, Stephanie Meyer, whose Twilight series has been my recent literary obsession (and probably soon-to-be cinematic obsession as well). How many times has her narrative made my heart skip a beat, taken my breath away, broken my heart, literally had me sobbing from behind the pages and then euphorically happy?

I’ll argue as long as the day that YA lit is not just kids’ stuff. I’m almost 25 years old, and these are some of the best books I’ve ever read. The aforementioned authors are the only ones to ever have elicited such physical emotional reactions from me, and I think that’s really saying something on the subject of their caliber. Not to mention the symbolism that runs rampant through so many of these books, most notably J.K. Rowling’s, John Green’s and Yann Martel’s works. I also think that YA books are so spectacularly filled with messages of hope. With the world as it is today, it’s highly commendable, in my opinion, that something geared toward the youth can carry such an optimistic outlook.

So I’m thankful for the talents of these authors and for this genre of literature. I’m thankful for being introduced to this niche that is so adept at allowing me to escape the real world for a little bit of each day, that’s given me characters for whom I care so much, afforded me some really fantastic conversations with my friends and continued to add fuel to the fire that is my love of reading.

Campaign of Gratitude: Day 1

This week I’m on a campaign of gratitude. It’s Thanksgiving week, and so I figure there’s no time like the present to do it. My goal is going to be to update at least 5 times this week and talk about something for which I am grateful. Shouldn’t be too hard.

Originally I started by making a list of what I wanted to talk about each day but a couple things happened that caused me to alter my subject for this first day. 1) I pulled out an old notebook this weekend to bring to yoga teacher training and, 2) a disturbing article I found online.

The notebook I happened to pull out was the one I used when I was in therapy with Jane my last semester at Murray. There were a couple journal entries in there. The most notable was the first entry, dated July 18th 2007. It was shocking reading the things I wrote:

“…How I feel is confused, chaotic, without control. I feel pressure from myself to get past this, pressure from others to do what they think is best and fear of letting everyone down.”

“I freak out when there are unknowns.”

“I’ve receded into a totally isolated place in my mind and I’ve kept myself from being really honest with even my closest friends and family.”

“Mood swings: I got the nickname of ‘Bipolar Jenny’ last year.”

“Now I am trying to face my demons and I intend to work past them. Now I feel vulnerable and chaotic all over again but the only way I know how to deal is unhealthy so I feel more out of control because I have no coping methods to turn to. I hate being vulnerable. I do not tolerate weakness on my part. I need to be a stonewall and a pillar of strength. I don’t want to be taken advantage of.”

I finished reading that first entry and it was weird how I could only remotely remember those feelings. It seemed to me I was reading about a third party. I was a little taken aback and simultaneously grieving for this girl. How could any single person have all of that going on in their head at one time? Such an unfair burden to carry. No one should live that way.

Then I moved to the next entry and was baffled once more.

July 19th 2007:

“You know, sometimes, I may freak out, but when the day is over there is one thing I know about myself and that is that I am strong and I will achieve the things I want. And I’m positive—I know I will get over this hurdle. Life can be a struggle but all it takes is knowing you can make it… with a little bit of work. And I am ready to work.”

Just one day later, there it was: hope and resolve. What a gift. How lucky am I that it was with me, literally, from the beginning. On July 18th I had hit the lowest point in my entire life to date. But on July 19th, I was already asserting my determination. I’m filled with so much pride for that girl. I’m actually at a loss for words. That girl was me. ME. I know when I wrote that second journal entry that I had no idea how impressive it was. I had no idea the implications. I wonder now if, as I was writing them then, I believed them. I mean, it’s clear I did on some level because I’m here now and I’m infinity times healthier and happier. One thing I know is that for as much as I yearned to recover, I certainly hadn’t really considered what life would be like once I had done so. I had no idea it could be so good and so free.

So this becomes the first subject of my gratitude this week. I know this seems like an egotistical way to start the week, but I maintain that until we find the light within, we cannot shine it out. But today, I am grateful for my strength, my resolve, my optimism. I had so much help along the way in my recovery but I also must recognize that without my own determination, I’d never be in the place where I am now. So I’m going to honor myself, give thanks to myself. I’ve done myself a huge deal of benefit in the past year and a half.

The other thing that brought this idea for day one’s gratitude is that I saw this article online: http://www.newsweek.com/id/170528.

It tears my heart out to think that anyone else is living the way that I do. It seems like it was one thing for me to have struggled but the idea of other people struggling is almost intolerable. No one should go through life that way. It’s just not fair. Something has to be done; these girls need to be reached out to. And I want to be one of those doing it. I don’t know how I’m going to do it yet and I don’t know what the community in Evansville is like, but I’ve got to do something. I have been given a great gift and it is only fitting that now, I should pass it on to someone who needs it, too.

On Flying Alone: Airplanes and Love Notes to My Multitudes

I love flying on planes and I love to do it by myself. There’s something that is always moving to me about being one of many ones. I mean to point out that so many people on planes are traveling alone.

I love to look at them all and wonder who they are and where they’re going and why they’re going there and if they’ll ever come back. I wonder if they’re going home or if they’re leaving and if they’re sad or they’re excited. I wonder if they’re going somewhere they’ve never been before and if they’re scared at all. I wonder if they’re starting over from the beginning or picking up where they left off. Will someone they love be waiting for them with a rapturous smile or will they be walking into a complete unknown when they deboard the plane?

I marvel at this sort of public anonymity. This no-questions-asked rhythm of coming and going. Leaving in a way that is so obvious, going so far away that you have to take to the air to do it. Yet giving no reason for your departure. Everyone is just going or coming and letting it be just that. It’s fascinating.

It occurs to me that I love to leave. I always like to imagine myself as one of the people who are leaving, no matter what kind of trip I’m on. Whether it’s a departure or an arrival. To me it’s the bravest travel there is. I’ve always been captivated by the idea of leaving all things familiar behind and going where I have never existed to anyone before. The slate is wiped clean and I can be a new person. I can invent a new me. Sometimes I like to retain a bit of the Old Jenny, the bits I really liked and the ones that are Me inside and out. But I like the idea of getting the chance to be something I’ve always wanted to be and not having to explain why I’m this way now. In a new place no one knows, I proclaim myself to be how I want to be. Sometimes I discover that how I thought I wanted to be isn’t really what I wanted to be and I return to the parts of Me that remain.

But even still, leaving is scary. It is a difficult process. I don’t meant to make it sound like it’s all fun and games. As a matter of fact, I don’t see it as a game, but as an undeniable duty to myself. There is certainly a struggle (metaphorically) to be met once I get where I’m going (geographically). But in the end, the geography is not what is important. It’s not the destination, but the journey. I find more of Me, a part of Me that I didn’t know was actually Me. This is the reward for this kind of lifestyle. Finding new parts of Me, my confidence grows and I feel more complete. I can state surely that This is Me.

Walt Whitman wrote, “I contain multitudes.” This is the basis for how I feel it necessary to live my life. So my mission is this: discover my multitudes, or as many as I can while the opportunity is mine.

Some notes, though: This is selfish. The way I think is beyond selfish, even. This isn’t something that has escaped me, unnoticed. Sometimes it hurts people, sometimes I ignore that I am not the only one who contains multitudes. I am transient and I don’t think of what my talk of leaving means to others. I don’t have a solution yet for selfishness, so I just want to acknowledge that I know it’s there. If you’re reading this and I’ve ever hurt you, I’m sorry. But there are those of you that take me as I am (I have 2 people in mind and I trust you know who you are). There is beauty and comfort in your roles in my life because I know that no matter where I go, I have never left you, and will never leave you. And no matter where you two go, you have never left me, and will never leave me. I said this recently in a spiel to one of you, but now let me say it to you both: You are Me. This is something I’ve discovered along my journey. You are each one of my multitudes.


Epilogue:
I have to say… when I started writing this post, I had no idea it was going to end up going where it went. But I’m glad it did. I think for the people who don’t understand the way that I think, it’s important to illustrate that leaving isn’t an attempt to erase the past or to push people away. In leaving, I think we afford ourselves the opportunity to find the truth, love and strength of our relationships, such that no matter where we go, we find we are never alone.

On How Time Passes When You Blink

Well, this is interesting.

A week ago, I had a different life. Then, I went away for a little bit. When I came back, everything had changed. Or at least if feels that way. Before Connecticut, I worked full-time for a credit card company—a job that I hated. After Connecticut, I’m a barista, working for Starbucks in a job I hope I’ll love. The change is a little bit scary. I’ve got a laundry list of things to stress about (if I choose to take it that far, beyond “things to just be aware of”).

The weirdest part though is how it doesn’t feel like there was a buffer between changes. Before Connecticut is abruptly different from After Connecticut. One minute, life was one way: structured, planned out in 15-minute increments, busy, safe. Then I turned my head for a moment and when I turned back, it had quickly become something less structured, almost chaotic, a little less safe. These aren’t bad things; in fact… these are things I’d wanted. I’d said time and again that I wasn’t a Cubicle Girl, or a 9-to-5er.

Listen, I’m a little stressed, okay? I’m not going to lie. I feel as though I’m facing a big unknown right now. I know that all is going to be well. Things will work out. But anytime there is a big change in our lives, a decision that we made, it’s perfectly natural to have that nagging little voice who tries to perk up and asks us, “Yeah but what if this wasn’t the right decision?” Part of me wants to know just exactly how things are going to change, because they aren’t done changing yet.

This is the scariest part of a journey. Right when you start off. It’s exciting, yet unknown. What if you get lost along the way? What if you run out of gas? What if the destination doesn’t meet your expectations? What if airport security makes you leave something behind and the next thing you know you’re in some foreign place and you can’t wash your hair?

Time to breathe. Time to let go. Expectations will be the death of us. (Or maybe just me.)

I’m feeling the pressure, the force of the wind trying to knock me down. But I feel the pressure, the force, because I’m standing up to it. My favorite yoga pose is Tree Pose. It’s the only one I do this for, but I have a mantra that I speak to myself every time we do the pose in class. I won’t give it word for word because it’s “mine” and I want to be selfish with it. But the idea behind it is that I am an immovable structure, rooted to and one with the earth. There are days where a silent wind seems to blow by me and I teeter. But I remind myself of my strength and instead of falling, I reach up and out and down at once and I am a tree and I will not be moved.

So now in my life, with resolve I branch out and I reach for greater heights. I will sway and I will bend, but I will not break. All the time, I remain deeply rooted in the earth.

This is my foundation.

I'm not straight...

I straightened my hair today. Mostly because mom made one of *those* comments to Erin. ("You really don't care if Jenny does her hair like that [curly] for your wedding??").

It feels weird. It looks weirder. It doesn't feel like me.

Eh well. Me doesn't wear gowns either, so I guess this is a special occasion.

T minus 26.5 hours til the nuptials!

literally/figuratively

Cut to the first time since my last post that I've had an ounce of "spare time" for blogging. From where did this sudden appearance of spare time come, you ask? Why, none other than a 3 hour layover in Charlotte, North Carolina. Yes, it is already that time. I'm headed to Connecticut for the nuptials of Erin and LB!

So a lot has happened in the past month-ish. Not the least of which was my foray into "assistant" at the yoga studio. Chris is preening me to take over the Intro to Yoga classes at the studio. In a thrilling turn of events, Chris approached me and wanted to become my mentor. We're bartering, like in the olden days. I help her out around the studio and in exchange she is giving me the tools I need to become a teacher. And she as good as offered me a spot teaching at the EYC. I knew after all those medical bills and the car accident that my Karma was in need of some re-balancing.

In other exciting news, I may or may not have had my last day at CMC. I got a job at Starbucks and I found a ridiculously cheap housing situation for January. Things are good!

And now we find me in North Carolina (this airport, incidentally, has FIVE Starbucks inside its walls. FIVE!) Flying is so interesting to me. From the plane, looking down at the Earth, it felt like I was looking at all the best bits of our planet: the tops of trees (and jeeeeeezus, the colors of NC trees in autumn actually brought tears to my eyes), the rivers winding through the land, the hills, the farms. I know we all have to have places to live, but I couldn't help but think that it was too bad all of those neighborhoods had to ruin the natural art that lay before me.

The juxtaposition was obvious and ironic. The trees were so perfect, the colors so beautiful, so effortless. And then these neighborhoods, with their houses all identical, trying to be perfect, beautiful, effortless. Oh, how they'd failed. I wondered if everyone had a chance to change their perspective, if they'd see it too. If they'd see how silly and disorganized these neighborhoods were. They looked like dice in a game of Yatzee the way they seemed so carelessly thrown down across the land. I wondered if people might see how we, as humans, can be so silly and disorganized in our struggle against what is natural and good.

If everyone could just see the bigger picture (literally? figuratively?), how different would the world be? I know it's not possible to see the bigger picture all the time, but sometimes, in instances like these, you get lucky enough to see it for just a fleeting moment. It oughta be treated like a mile marker. Like, now I have a reference point and so if there's any readjusting I need to do to my plan, then I have to tools to do it.

Readjust what? What plan? How does this relate to me?

Okay, I haven't figured that out yet. I've been up since 4:10 am okay? I'm not quite prepared to answer my own existential-plane-inspired musings. The point is, I know where I am (literally/figuratively).

it begins at this moment

The saying goes that yoga begins at that moment when you want to come out of a pose. Your leg starts to shake a little, the heat your building up seems to increase exponentially. You aren't in pain, but you sure as heck have been more comfortable in life. You feel like you've been holding for ages and your brain gives a tiny squeak, you think, "Just let the instructor say 'release', already!" But instead the instructor says, "3 more breaths." You think, "Three more breaths?! Is this a joke?!"

Yoga starts.

You stop your brain from screaming and you focus. You turn inward and you breathe, and you survive. You move on to the next sequence.

I never realized until tonight, how much this would come in handy outside of the yoga studio. I'm not in pain, but I sure as heck would say I've been more comfortable in life. Admittedly, I needed my time earlier today to be upset, and I was. I felt a little overwhelmed. But underneath it all was this sense of calm. I know it'll all work out, this is a hiccup. This is my thighs burning in Warrior II. But it always starts with the little brain scream, "Is this a joke?!" and then, just like in class, you breathe. I'm breathing through it. I'm calmer because deep down I know. I know that I've done a lot to surprise myself, and there's no reason this shouldn't be another example.

And there's always this one thing to look forward to: before I even know it, the instructor (should I capitalize that word?) will say, "Release" and it'll be time for the next sequence.

The pleasures of heaven are with me, and the pains of hell are with me.
The first I graft and increase upon myself.... the latter I translate into a new tongue.
Walt Whitman

i take a hint

"Be prepared for a few scheduling hiccups, today. Suddenly, an unforeseen event could limit your free time and make you feel a little bit like you're under the gun. But have no fear! This rapid change of pace will not send you down a stressful path. Instead, it will be invigorating and bring out your competitive, aggressive nature. This will be a fun day, full of twists and turns that keep you on the edge of your seat -- and ready for the next curveball to come your way!"

At 7 am, I was at work, reading my horoscope on MSNBC, thinking "Yipes... I don't know how I feel about this one..."

At 1:30 pm I was thrilled to only have an hour left of work and looking forward to errands, the weekend and lots of yoga classes.

At 5:35 pm, I was standing at the corner of Barker and Mt. Vernon, looking sadly at the front bumper and headlights of my car lying in the middle of the street, cleanly detached from the body of my car. Another hour or so and I was watching my precious darling car being towed away. Fast forward another half hour and I'd gotten a ride home and was making reservations to pick up a rental car in the morning.

It wasn't until after dinner that I remembered my horoscope this morning. And then I reflected on how I'd been feeling quite scattered and distracted all afternoon. My brain was moving a million miles an hour and literally seconds before my accident tonight I explicitly recall saying to myself that I needed to get out of my head and focus on life as it was happening in front of me. I remember thinking these words exactly, "You just aren't paying attention to the world outside of you tonight." That was an understatement.

Then it occurred to me... in my last blog I was talking about how happiness is always there for us to touch 24/7, if we're just mindful and aware we'll see it. I think tonight was a gentle (?) suggestion from the Universe to broaden that idea. Not just happiness, but life itself. Thinking back on the day... I almost feel like I should've seen this coming. Starting with my horoscope, which I generally just read for fun and don't actually use as a guide. And then there was my own advice to myself to focus on what was happening in front of me and to stop living in the world going on in my head. I was very in tune with how distracted I was this afternoon. In fact, I was so in tune with my distraction that it was distracting... Clearly...

It was like the Universe was saying, "Yes, Jenny. Happiness is there to be touched 24/7, but that's only because Reality is there to be touched 24/7. Truth is there 24/7. Just listen to me and you'll be able to be there for all of it. Happiness, chance, even disappointment." I had forgotten that in order to recognize you are at the mountain's peak, you must also recognize that there is a valley far below. They are both there and they can not be without the existence of the other. And there was the Universe, all day long trying to tell me what I needed: to be aware, to be mindful of it. But I simply wasn't listening for that.

This has been a very interesting lesson I've learned tonight. I'm also proud of my reaction to it all. I've surprised myself by being so calm about everything. To speak truthfully, I think this is almost a good thing that has happened. Sometimes I recognize the extent to which I cling to a routine and I have been known to get very agitated when my routine is interupted. Yes, I realize this changes the plans I had for the weekend a bit. Yeah, it sucks I missed yoga tonight and I'll miss it in the morning. But I can accomplish nothing if I focus strictly on how I wanted things to go and how they didn't go accordingly.

Life happens and all that there is to control is how you react to it. You have plans and sometimes the plans have to change. You make the best out of what you're given.

And you learn to listen. To all of it.

shine it inward

I don't want to dote on about the same thing two posts in a row, but I really just am impressed with the past 4 days.

I'm full of gratitude for the time I got to spend with Laura this weekend, for starters. It was great to have her here, in the city I've called home for the past 10 months. We did things, exploited the area more than I would've ever done if she hadn't visited. Consequently, I developed a new appreciation for the state and city in which I live.

To top it all off, there was a splendid Monday. The work day wasn't overwhelming so I could ease my way back in after a long weekend of fun. And, if it couldn't get any better, I had a private yoga class with Chris tonight. Not on purpose, I just so happened to be the only one who could make it to the 4:30 today. So it was whatever I wanted to do, tips specific for me and my abilities and the chance to practice more advanced poses that you don't normally get to practice in regular classes. I did a handstand and a headstand. I didn't know if I could do it, but I did. Talk about a boost of confidence.

So what I'm saying by way of this recap, is yet again the Universe is taking care of me. It causes me to wonder what I've done to deserve this. But then... when I think on it. I wonder if it's a question of "deserving." Like I said last time, this is here for us to touch 24/7, we just have to be mindful of it. So maybe it's not that I had to "earn"it, it's that I had to get in touch with it. With the Universe. The Universe in me. Maybe, once you put your energy inward, positively, you see that the Universe is always offering you what you need. You just have to listen and accept it and be grateful. You have to realize it's in the "small" things just as much as the "big" things. You just have to realize. To be. Maybe it's not about being fearful of a god, repenting or walking a straight line. It's not about deserving or earning it.

When I consider that we inter-are, then I question that idea of sacrificing and asking for happiness and good fortune. If we inter-are, then it's all inside of us already. We just have to be there for the happiness. We don't have to earn it. It seems to me that the Universe (in us) wouldn't actually force us to earn happiness if it is us as well. That would mean it's forcing itself to earn happiness equally as much as it forces us, and well... why would anyone want to be put to the test for happiness? Don't we all just want it? Yeah.

And it turns out we all have it. There needn't be a fight for it. There needs to be a light on it. Turn the light inward and we'll each find all it is that we need.

~~~~~~

Joy requires one to be awake,
Adjusting the heart's ambience to bright.
Some prefer the dark, as is their right,
On grounds of agony, and to forsake
Not only bliss, but all that's blessed by light.
-Nicholas Gordon

We all walk in the dark and each of us must learn to turn on his or her own light.
-Earl Nightingale

I used to love the darkness
But the sun is my new best friend
As soon as I embraced him
He put my misery to an end.
- Abbe Yeux-verdi

From within or from behind, a light shines through us upon things, and makes us aware that we are nothing, but the light is all.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

i begin to wonder

Sometimes I go to yoga class and I really can't help but wonder. Sometimes I have something really pressing on my mind and Chris' closing zen phrase will seem to address me directly, as though she knew. Sometimes I build my intention mentally before class and that night's instructor will ask as a class that we build that very same intention on our mats for that practice. Sometimes I can't help but wonder what it is... How, how, HOW is it always seeming to be in tune with exactly what is going on in my mind? Tonight, our teacher was Mark, who hasn't been to instruct us in 5 weeks. Just last week I realized that my upper body strength was improving vastly. No... I still can't do a push up, but I realized I can lower myself with impressive (to me) control, leading with my chest instead of my hips and... what's more... I can hover. I can hover. I can hold myself an inch off the floor for about 10 seconds without struggling. Wow, I never thought I'd see the day.

Anyway... sure enough, Mark walks in class tonight and almost as though he knew I was mentally tooting my own horn about my great arms... he humbled me. Not with spite, obviously. And not in a way that made me think, "Oh, I'm not so strong as I thought after all." There was no mental frowning. He humbled me but he gave me confidence. He worked my arms. He let them show themselves off (again, only to myself) but he also seemed to let them know that they certainly aren't done. I'm digressing, but it was exciting. It was like my arms were getting a chance to be excited about the adventure that lay before them. Lucky for me Mark will be teaching the next 2 Tuesdays, so they'll probably get some more action, those arms.

The point is... I am beginning to wonder. How much of this "speaking to me" is just chance? How many times can that happen? Could it be that the message is just all encompassing, so it could speak to anyone in any situation? (The thing is, I know I've been skeptical about this kind of stuff and I'm very, very hesitant because the words I'm going to have to use, for lack of any better, are going to have a religious connotation, despite my not intending them to have one at all.) But I really just don't know if I think it's all chance anymore.

Laura said in her blog the other day, "I believe in energy." And I loved that. Simply and beautifully said. So now I'm really thinking I'm on my way to tapping into that energy, that it's really there. I think it's energy that goes by many different names: God, Brahma, Allah, Mother Earth etc etc. But tonight I think I realized it's there. I believe in it. I believe in Energy. It's there for us to touch 24/7. It's speaking to each of us in every moment. All we have to do is come to the moment, to learn to be alive, and it can be ours.

breathing in, breathing out

I've decided to start a meditation routine in addition to my yoga practice. There are moments in class that I am in deep relaxation and I feel like I can feel the tiniest bit of real, true presence and I think that's something worth developing and reaching for. Thich Nhat Hahn said in Buddha Mind, Buddha Body that unless you are present in this moment then you aren't really alive because you're living in the past or the future or in a fantasy. But presence, alertness, mindfulness in this moment... that is to be alive. Sometimes we get so caught up in what we're worried about and some place that isn't right here and we're just losing all this time... all these moments... all these nows... exactly where life is happening. I've been one of those people and it's caused me suffering. So with diligence and intention, little by little I'm going to learn to be really, really alive. Not threatened by the silence, but amazed by the vastness. Not a slave to my mind, but a master of it. Not reactive towards my emotions but just simply aware of them.

Slowly but surely, I'm going to learn to be.



“Life can be found only in the present moment. The past is gone, the future is not yet here, and if we do not go back to ourselves in the present moment, we cannot be in touch with life.”
Thich Nhat Hahn

just be

Another reminder of our ideas of perfection showed up in yoga class today. I mentioned it before, about the bread: I had to let go of the idea of what "perfect" bread would be and once I did that, I discovered that what I had made was perfect because it was made with intention, concentration and mindfulness. Today, one yogi asked our instructor for tips on coming into a pose with more ease, such that it would "look right" or "look better." It lead into this conversation about what is "right" in yoga and the lesson came up. What is right? What is perfect? There's freedom in letting go of this notion. Once you can do that, you can see things as they are in this moment. Where your body is in this moment, that is perfect. What your body can do in this moment, that is perfect. When you lack the notion of perfection, you lack the notion of failure. When you lack the notion of beauty, you lack the notion of ugly. When you lack notions, you gain the freedom to simply be.

Ironically, all the moving and bending and stretching that we do in yoga is to prepare our bodies to be still. We are doing these postures so that we can meditate, so that we can just be.

Namaste,
j.e.n.

zen and the art of baking bread

Today I made bread. It was a process that took me the better part of 4 hours. It consisted of mixing, stirring, waiting. Stirring and waiting some more. Stirring and waiting some more. Molding and waiting some more. Baking and waiting some more. It took patience (and a surprising amount of physical strength, might I add!).

When it was done. It was splendid. It's no secret that I tend to get stressed out when I cook. If it's not perfect or how I envisioned it to be, I can get upset and deflated. But, in another illustration of the freedom of non-expectancy, I started working on my bread with this attitude: "What's the worst that could happen? It might be inedible. So I'll try it again, if that's the case. This won't be a failure, or a disaster. It will be an attempt." And it was spectacular. Does it look "perfect"? No. But it's beautiful and it's delicious, because I made it with my own hands. It took me an entire afternoon. And when I ate it, it wasn't just any old bread. I savored it because I worked on it. I am a part of that bread.

It was made with sincerity. I was present as I made my bread. I focused on the stirring, the kneading, the shaping as I was doing it, and nothing else. I was eating dinner, then, and I was really overwhelmed with happiness... and yes... it was because of my bread. It was like I could taste the presence. I was appreciative of everything non-bread that went into making that bread.

"Sincerity is the quality where your imperfections show." Zen Master Edward Espe Brown

lotus in full bloom

If there's been anything about my life that has been a struggle this week, it was with some health issues. I've made it no secret that I previously struggled with an eating disorder. I'm extremely proud to say that it has been more than one month since I've even had a thought about restricting or anything related to anorexia. A new outlook of mindfulness and working on the habit of happiness have done wonders for me. Unfortunately, there are still daily reminders of my past that take the form of health ailments. My negative mind created negative effects in my body, in my physiology. Last week I was upset with myself. The realization that the reasons for my discomforts were self-inflicted was very saddening for me. I couldn't believe that I had done this to myself, that I had so disrespected myself. In the past month I've experienced for the first time ever, the beauty, strength and power that is my body, yet here was this reminder of how I had been damaging that.

Tuesday I went to the doctor. My attempts to remedy these problems on my own were not sufficient. This is just the beginning but I can feel myself, my organs getting stronger again. Some medicine plus some ayurvedic natural remedies combined to give my body what it needs to function. Today, I was blown away by the realization of my own resiliency. My spirit has bounced back and now, my body will too. For that, I am ever grateful.

I'm grateful for a strong mind, that decided enough was enough and back in July 2007 determined it was time for a change. I'm grateful for the continued strength to walk down a rocky path, constantly reminding myself of what was waiting for me at the end. I'm grateful for the support that my friends and family offered me all this time, despite being themselves confused by my behavior and unsure of how they could help me. I'm grateful they didn't leave me alone. I'm grateful for this body, that I battled against for so long but that didn't leave me either. I'm grateful for this whole fight, this whole struggle; it has delivered me to a great place in life. I'm grateful for ever-growing mindfulness, patience, flexibility, compassion.

I'm grateful to you, to me, to the earth, to energy, to resiliency, to my breath, to impermanence, to continuation, to inter-being, to the present, to the past.

This is the habit of happiness.

Namaste,
j.e.n.

saying my peace

Global mala weekend left me feeling like I'd been on spa holiday and it's carried over through this whole week. I feel pretty serene and calm. Global mala invited me to work on building compassion, to send out positive energy into the world. Karma reminds us that the energy we put out into the world will return to us, whether it is positive or negative. On my mat last Saturday, I stopped doing sun salutations just to be doing 108 of them. Instead, I dedicated every movement I made to someone I love, to people I know, to people I don't, to people who need peace all over the world. And this week, I am peaceful. I'm amazed that I was capable of creating this energy. It transforms me every day.


"I'm a human being. Not a human doing, not a human thinking. A human being." Deepak Chopra

global mala

Well, if I didn't know it before, I know it now. I realized Friday morning as I was doing my practice before work that I had a sangha- a community- in yoga. The last few yoga classes had seen all of us students talking more and getting to know each other. But tonight takes the cake.

Together we were one entity, completing 108 sun salutations, as did so many other yoga practitioners across the globe, in the name of world peace. Afterwards, we ate dinner together and it hit me like a wave again. I have belong to a sangha. We sat there, people of all ages and walks of life, with this one, amazing link between us that goes deeper than you might imagine-- our yoga practice. We talked about what it meant to us and how we got into it to begin with. We talked about completely non-yoga things. But no matter what the subject, I couldn't help but feel this sense of one-ness with all these people.

Chris ends every yoga class with this phrase, "I honor the light in each of you that is the same light in me. Namaste." That's what the one-ness felt like. Honestly... I don't think I've passed a more content night in Evansville since I moved here. I'll tell you what, too: I'm not going to miss much about this city come January, but above all of it... I will miss my sangha.

namaste,
j.e.n.

my body is a temple

This week I'm praising my body. I know I've been working up to it for a few weeks, but it just feels like over night my body has suddenly become able to do things it couldn't before. It's stronger, more limber. It's amazing.

I'm proud of the changes I'm seeing and feeling, and what's more, I'm realizing, finally, how much respect my body deserves. It's precious and I'm going to treat it that way.

his trikonasana is such a turn on

In life, there is such a thing as a "non-sexual crush," which is essentially an umbrella. Under this umbrella is the all-important "intellectual crush". And today I'd like to add a new category. I think I'll call it a "divine crush." What's this all about?

I have a divine crush on my Wednesday night flow yoga teacher. He's tall, lanky (very bendy, you can imagine), a hippie. He's cute enough, I suppose. You can tell he's full of tranquility and calmness. Very endearing. These are all good qualities, sure. But where it's really at is in the spirituality of it all. Not only do I leave feeling absolutely amazing, tall, and physically fit... but I leave feeling so mentally sound. Now I realize that I generally leave um... EVERY yoga class feeling this way but he's the only guy teacher so he's an easy target. Any guy that spends an hour and a half making me feel that way is definitely going to find himself as the apple of Jenny's eye, that's for sure. Mmmmyogateachergurummmmmm.

In other news. Plans are pretty much official now, so, some of you know and some of you are hearing it here first: I'm moving back to St. Louis in January 2009. A whole new chapter of my life is going to be opening up and I really couldn't be more excited about it. I'm not ready to reveal all the plans just yet, but I've figured out what it is I actually WANT to do for the rest of my life and St. Louis is where I'm going to start.
In the wake of this great place of stability in which I've found myself, I've also found that my attitude towards St. Louis has changed too. It doesn't represent the younger, more naive, more dependent Jenny anymore. Now, it's the new horizon. The Gateway to the Rest of My Life. It's going to be good. I have to thank Evansville for what it's done for me. I've changed for the better, and I wouldn't have gotten here if it hadn't been for this city. I've learned so much about myself. But in January, I have to go. Evansville, I discovered, was just here to serve a purpose in my life. It fulfilled it's duty and it's time to move on.

Again I remember the quote about preferring the journey to the destination, and I think that this just might be the most anticipated journey for me yet.

namaste,
j.e.n.

when bad lighting is what you want

Yea folks, you're getting a two-fer.

The exciting thing about yoga class is that with every class, I leave having learned something new about myself or having discovered new depth to my being. Sometimes it's a physical capability, sometimes it's a personality trait.

Today was sort of both.

To begin with, it was Fusion, which meant that we have a different teacher, a different style of yoga and it's a little more... aerobic. Today I got to class and our teacher had all the fluorescent lights on. No soft lighting, no incense burning... it was like being in a gym. She was talkative, she interacted more with us, engaged in conversations about poses while we were doing them in a way that was more "teacher" than it was "yogi" or "guru". Her style was different from what I've been experiencing: a calmer, subdued personality and an atmosphere that promotes an introversion of sorts, or concentration on the inner-self. At first I was thinking, "geez, I came here to unwind, to think, to zen out. Not to walk into a bright room like this and chit chat." But as class went on, the fluorescent light became a bit more symbolic. Sometimes, we need to do our yoga in a bright light, to see where it is we need to improve. What's more, sometimes we need to be reminded that there's room to improve.

The fluorescent light put my expectations and my ego in check. For starters, like I mentioned in my post earlier today, I walked into class today with an expectation of how it was going to be. I had set myself up to disappointed. Instead, I should go to class expecting nothing and everything simultaneously. Each experience is going to be different, as it should be, and it's up to me to accept the way things are and respond accordingly, making the most of the situation.

Secondly, this class reminded me, very positively, that I have room to improve. Our instructor helped me align myself correctly, and introduced me to the way certain poses should feel. At first, I was embarrassed. Just yesterday I raved to Erin that the instructor (a different one) had complimented one of my poses, and now here I was being corrected. I started to get agitated, with the instructor and with myself. Then I realized, I should be thankful that this "fluorescent light" was on me, like the unattractive lights in a dressing room... Feeling a posture correctly, understanding it fully and recognizing what I needed to do became refreshing for me. I'm there to improve myself, physically and mentally. And that's just what happened today.

I began the class a little disconcerted, and thinking I would be unfulfilled after our 75 minutes were up. Instead, I left class with a better foundation and consequently greater confidence, but also a different kind of zen. I was, in the end, really happy with this class, hoping to experience this instructor's yoga again in the future.

namaste,
jenny

just let go

The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, worry about the future, or anticipate troubles, but to live in the present moment wisely and earnestly.
Buddha

I've had a lot of thinking to do lately... a big decision to make. I knew all along the choice I would make but I was anxious and apprehensive. I realized I was doing two things I shouldn't. I was mourning for the past year and considering it "lost". At the same time I was thinking of the troubles I expect to experience next year. Despite knowing I was making the right choice for the long run, these are the things I was thinking. Then this quote popped into my head. I realized instead of mourning, instead of thinking of the things left behind, I should be grateful for them and just simply remember them. They've brought me where I am today. I've really, really started discovering me, and I should remember this time, this place and this life as being major contributors to that.

Similarly, instead of anticipating what the future will bring, I have to let it simply happen. My expectations will most definitely not be met or, because my mentality going into the immediate future might carry a slightly negative load, they will be a self-fulfilling prophesy. So I have to let go of those expectations, but remain focused on things positively.

It was the moment I made this realization today, when this quote from Buddha tapped me on the shoulder, that I suddenly and without resistance, let go. I detached myself from the past and stopped craning my neck to see the future. I am where I am. I have made my decision.

And I am content with it all. My worries over this decision are gone.

Namaste,
Jenny

do you hear what i hear?

He who binds himself to a joy
Does the winged life destroy;
But he who kisses the joy as it flies
Lives in eternity's sunrise.
-William Blake



Om shanti shanti shanti.

this instant

I'm finding myself to be distracted by impatience today. I'm distracted by the plans and decisions I've made. Instead of focusing on the present, I'm obsessed with the future. I felt noticeably irritable today, while my mind was constantly begging to be elsewhere and the present was forcing me back to where I was, where I am.

So now I'm asking myself, how do I live right now, in today? Buddha teaches that we suffer because we desire. This is something that has proven to me over and over again in my life. Meditation instructs us to be mindful of these sensations, acknowledge them for what they are, and then release them. A person should stay present, focused on this instant. It's these instants that will walk me towards my future plans. It's these instants that, when cast aside, are lost forever. Ignored, they are chances missed to be prepared for the future I hope to create.

Here I am then, giving myself a new task: to be mindful of the moment, the instant, the now. There is nothing but now.

quotables

Things turn out best for the people who make the best out of the way things turn out.

Art Linkletter

Being myself includes taking risks with myself, taking risks on new behaviour, trying new ways of being myself, so that I can see how it is I want to be.

Hugh Prather

And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
Anais Nin

Strides

I have an idea. I think I found something that would fit... But it's going to take some time... so I'm keeping it to myself. I don't want to jinx it. Sorry for the teaser...

But I'm really excited if it works out. :)

I'm still feeling really good, really healthy. Better even, and more in control than the last time I wrote.

destination: beautiful

It feels like fall outside this today. Or at least I got that "fall" feeling while I was sitting on my balcony, enjoying a cup of coffee and a sunny, crisp morning. Right behind that feeling came of wave of happiness. Sometimes it seems like everyone is fighting so hard to be happy and trying to convince themselves they're happy; and they even think they are. But sitting outside for those few minutes was when I really knew it. It was happiness and contentment. It was quick, flashed by me in a wave, but it was there. It made its presence known.

I feel like something has happened to me in the past few weeks. Everyday I wake up and feel like I've changed a little, like I've matured, grown into myself. I feel as though I've taken control of myself. Like I own myself, everything about myself. I've never really felt like this before in my life, this kind of maturity. There's this sense of confidence, self-assuredness, stability and strength.

I'm almost taken aback by it. I see a lot of beauty right now, a lot of good.

Wow.

Loves it.

Things I Learned This Weekend

1. Bests should never go 8 months without seeing each other.
2. High school parties are best experienced as 24 year olds who can make a drinking game out of the hilarious situation around them.
3. It's best to keep tabs on Molly.
4. I have the best parents ever and I'm really glad that now that their nest is empty, they get to focus on themselves for a change.
5. I officially prefer cats to dogs.
6. Given the right circumstances, I don't really hate St. Louis like I claim I do.
7. I'd be nothing with out my Best. Seriously. Nothing.


(It's only upon reading this after I posted that I questioned how many times I could use the word "best" in one blog...)

waxin' on a bit cheesy-like

Well, I'll tell you what. Things sure have turned around since the last few times I blogged. I'm not gonna lie, I was pretty down. But you know what happened? Well, I just let it go. The whole of it. And today, what I can honestly say is, I feel happy. And I feel healthy.

It's that magical combination I learned about last fall of gaining control by relinquishing it. I've got a handy new mantra, I've got a positive outlook, I see endless horizons. My energy is focused on those who are willing to focus back on me. My head's in the right place again.

This is really, truly the first time I've felt really, actually, truthfully happy in Evansville.

What a joy.

what would scott say?

I feel a little homesick but not for a physical place. No, I miss my best friend.


Let's play, bestie!

an ode to you

The sister.
The childhood best friend.
The newest addition.
The unexpected hero.

These people, in the last two weeks, have made me incredibly grateful, whether they know it or not. Everything from listening and accepting without judgment, to being there at the right time, to reminding me while everything changes and will continue to change, the bond never will. None of them are here geographically but the distance lately has melted away. Sitting here thinking about it, I'm finally realizing how lucky I am.

I hope I've given you all even a morsel of what you've given me recently. Thank you.

positive

There's a lot of potentially positive things on the horizon. It's a time to remember that there are ups after the downs. Some things carry more certainty than others right now but what's more important is that regardless of what happens, it's the getting there that's offering me the most excitement at present. It's good to be focusing again on the journey and not controlling the outcome.

"All that we are is the result of what we have thought. The mind is everything. What we think we become. " The Buddha

another mile marker

So it seems I let a month slip by without posting here. Whoops. Now we're at month marker number 4 in Evansville. I wonder when I'm going to stop counting...

In the past month, I've definitely had ups and downs. Things are constantly changing and sometimes I struggle with that, but I feel like I'm getting a handle on it a little bit better now.

I'm going to start volunteering soon at a place called VistaCare. It's a hospice that operates in the EVV area. I start some patient care training on Monday. I'm really excited about it. I think it's going to feel really good to do something that makes me feel like I'm making a difference.

Things at CMC are going well. The French calls have quickly passed into the "just another annoying phone call" category. But I'm starting to meet and hang with more people that I work with and that alone is making the job about 30 times more tolerable. I even got a complimentary call the other day. Someone I spoke to called a supervisor to tell them that I (and I quote) "restored his faith in the credit union and customer service." It was kind of neat and validating, in a lame, I-work-in-a-call-center sort of way.

I also got a new toy. The iBook was threatening to crash and take all my music and pictures with it, so I bit the bullet and bought a new MacBook, which I'm quite enjoying. Sissy and I have taken to video conferencing on Skype, which as been really fun. It's nice to get to actually see here and sort of feel like we're hanging out for a change. God love the internet.

So, right now, I'm feeling pretty decent. I had a good weekend spent with good company. I laughed a lot, and I think that's a good way to start off month 5.

3 months, or a lifetime

Yesterday was my 3 months in Evansville. Has it really only been 3 months? Que la vie change vite. (So, my audience is going to have to get over the fact that my blogs from here on out are going to be riddled with French phrases, just because that's the way I'm thinking now...) I really feel like I've been here for a year or longer. This month was successful because I'd been in the mood to go running a fair amount and consequently, I learned a lot of short cuts that help me avoid busy and obnoxious Evansville streets. Woohoo!

Another milestone, of course, is the completion of my first full week of Québecois. It had its ups and downs, but over all I don't guess I can complain. The good thing is I realized that everyone knows how big of a challenge it is, and no one at CMC expects me to be perfect. Read: They don't think I'm a fraud and they aren't going to fire me. Haha. That helped lower the stress level a bit, but I am still beat from this week. It really is amazing how tired a little mental strife can make a person.

I've been thinking a lot lately about goals. My main goal now is to conquer Québecois. But I got to wondering what I'll do once I do that. (And rest assured, I will.) Because the truth is, once that happens, I'll probably stop liking my job. (Yea I said it... this week I actually considered the fact that I might like my job.) But I'm enjoying it because of the stress and the excitement of struggling through a French call. (Saying that is going to bite me in the ass next week, I can feel it.) So once that becomes "easy," I'm going to get bored. It's just what I do. Ask anyone who knows me.

Alors, quelques questions: What's next? What do I want to do after this? Where do I want to go? Who do I want to go with, if anyone at all? How far should I go? Shouldn't I start saving money?

Should I go to Canada? or... Why shouldn't I go to Canada? Ignoring the face that I'll spend the entirety of my time there shivering, I'm thinking... why not? If I'd already be accustomed to the language, why shouldn't I head up that way and see what it has to offer? I could speak French in a job up there. I'd have experience on my side. And just like everything else in life, it wouldn't necessarily be permanent and it'd probably be a hell of a lot of fun.

But to return to goals less specific... I think it's time to start making a list. (And don't we all know how much I love to make a list...) It's time to start brainstorming. It's time to start thinking of another way to throw my life off balance and force myself to put it back at some kind of equilibrium.

'Coz heaven's forbid it if life were to get easy.

enfin, j'y fais face

It's finally happened. I've started taking French-Canadian calls at work. No kidding, very likely one of the scariest things I've ever done in my life. It shouldn't be, right? But it is. This is it. My degree, in action. There's no more "whatever, it's just for class." No one cares if I still consider myself learning. It's French-on-demand, understand and be understood or... it's my job.

The first day (Thursday), I coulda cried all day long. I was so unnerved. I don't remember the last time I had myself so freakin' worked up over something. I survived but I was completely frazzled. Thursday night I was so unnerved about doing it again Friday that I couldn't sleep. Friday was a smidge better. I figure it'll get better every day.

And besides, behind all my nervousness lies excitement. I mean... FINALLY! I wanted to use French and here I go. Holy cow. I'm also really excited about the doors that will be opened up by knowing Québecois. As far as being in North America goes, that's gonna be a good, marketable skill.

It's going to continue to be a challenge for me for a while, and there's probably going to be days where I really do cry... but oh well. That can only last for so long, right?

Right?...

it's the thought

Well, it was a good and romantic thought I was having, when I thought I'd be better at keeping up with a blog the nth time around. It would have worked like in the past, perhaps, if all other variables were held constant. But that's not life, now is it?

So, in keeping with that, a lot's changed since March 1. First and foremost, there was the departure of Audra. She's gone to bigger and better things in Texas. I'm naturally very happy for her and naturally very selfishly sad she's gone.

Again I find myself pondering this phenomenon in my life that always has my best friends moving away. Holly. Erin. Laura. Audra. Le sigh. It's been so long since I've had a best friend conveniently close that I can hardly remember what it was like. But I guess that's just the times in which we live, eh? Everybody's global. Everybody's moving... And it was pointed out to me last night (this is such an easy point to overlook...) that I did some of that moving away myself.

Aaaah, touchée.

The other big news is the arrival of Lily, the kitty, into my life. She's been with me for almost two weeks now. She's a pretty great kitten; we have a swell time together.

Work's work. I've been relatively busy there lately, which I guess is a good thing. I learned the English part of the client that also speaks French. Now that I've had about a week to get used to their procedure, I think they're adding the French part in around Friday or Monday. That should be fun. I'm getting eager to start using the French. I think it'll make things more interesting.

Today and tomorrow are my days off this week and I've given myself a special project. It's called: make my apartment look less like a dorm room. Sounds fun, huh? I got me a little budget set aside for some bookcases, slip covers etc, etc and we're gonna nip this thing in the butt, once and for all. My other special project is to get a mini-garden started here soon. Or at least to get the things I need to grow something. I'm thinking cherry tomatoes. Or peppers.

Next exciting thing in life is that tomorrow my beloved Hodes will be in town along with Hilary Clinton. Whee! By great luck I'm off and I get to go with him to watch her speak. Chris even made us t-shirts! Mine says, "Hoosier President? Hilary 08". I'm so clever...

At any rate. Special project calls... Must be scootin'...

hip to be square

Things I have:

• a cubicle
• an telephone extension
• a work email
• a server's apron
• a server's book
  

Things I don't have:

• free time

This morning is the first time I've felt like I've had a moment to breath, yet even this is going to be short lived because I have obligations that will keep me busy for most, if not all, of the day. And there's no day off this week, either. I'm in the middle of a 12-day working marathon. Errands have to be done in the few precious hours between working and sleeping. Next priority in line is finding time to see friends. If there's a minute or two left after that, I'm trying to get some pilates in. Then comes blogging and facebook and the internet fun I used to put above everything else.

WHAT?! Yes folks, you heard it here first: I only check facebook about once a day.

I don't know yet whether or not I'm complaining about my new priority set. I don't think I am. It's not bad. It's just different. Life is just different these days. It's still weird that I'm not on a school schedule. It's still weird that I'm not going on spring break in a few weeks, or ever again , for that matter. And it's weird that I don't miss it. Whatever it is I got going on right now... I think I kinda dig it.

What's coming up for me is the 2 month mark in Evansville. 2 months?? Is that it? I haven't been here for a year? It sure feels that way, at least. Things change fast. The distance between me and college-me is growing greater every day. I guess it's kind of weird, but it gets trumped by the normalcy of it all, in the end.

On that note... The sun is out and the day promises to be beautiful. It's time to get off my butt.

A Sometimes Moment

Sometimes I just have one of those days where I am very impressed by life for something seemingly very trivial. Sometimes on those days I can pinpoint the triviality. Today was one of those days.

Today I realized how much I love to travel. As a matter of fact, I much prefer it to arriving.*




*I have totally stolen that quote from someone somewhere, but I don't recall where I got it from and unfortunately then, can't give credit where credit is due. Whoops.

all work and no play

Okay, you caught me. I've been seriously slacking. And by slacking I mean, I've been slacking when it comes to doing the things I normally do when I'm being a slacker.

It's Friday, which means if I'm gonna blog today then I gotta do it now. Fridays begin the second part of my work week, when I do my time at The Fox. And THAT means that once I leave the apartment at about 7:30 this morning, I won't be home again until tomorrow.

Here's the way I've been thinking about it: CMC satisfies the part of me that thrives off of routine. The Fox feeds the bit that needs things to change and be exciting. The Fox is also my weekly dose of a social life. During the week I'm asleep by 10. When all your friends work at or operate on a bar schedule, that makes getting together kind of difficult. When I'm at The Fox, I finally get to see everyone again and be the Jenny I'm used to being, as opposed to the new Jenny, who's more of an adult. (No negative connotations there, by the way. That's the interesting thing about it all: both Jenny's feel right to me.)

I just suddenly wondered how long it will be before this schedule burns me out. I recognize that the Fox is only a "social life" because I'm still actually working, as opposed to a social life. (Notice the difference between quotations and none...)

One day I'm gonna need a real night off, a cold beer and a DD.

if it can go wrong...

I want to tell you all a story. A story about my morning.

Disclaimer: I couldn't make this up if I wanted to...

My alarm goes off at 6 a.m. and I'm ready to go. I'm tired, but I'm ready for the day. I'm well aware that we've got some bad weather this morning so I'm prepared to leave the apartment an hour before I need to work in order to defrost and de-ice. By 7:00 I'm out the door and ready to tackle the 1/2 inch thick layer of ice coating my car. I turn the ol' girl on to get her warmed up, I set my purse down and my breakfast is waiting for me in the passenger seat. There's a piping hot cup of coffee to warm my insides sitting in the cup holder. I get out of the car, shut the door slightly and I see it.

My door has inadvertently been locked. You wouldn't think it's a big deal because I've got a spare set of keys. Only it IS a big deal because my spare keys are precisely where they shouldn't be: in my car as well.

"Nooooooooooooooooooooo!" Literally. I'm in the parking lot yelling at myself. I don't know what to do, so I go knock on my neighbor's door. I wake the poor girl up and beg for any help she can offer me. She doesn't have a phone book for me to call a locksmith, but she suggests I go try to find the maintenance guy. So I jaunt over to the office and I see that the steps are coated in ice too. Ice thicker than what's on my car. Carefully, I climb the steps. I make it up to the top safely, only to be crushed upon discovering the office doesn't open til 9. It's 7:15. I'm making my way down the icy steps and I stumble. I'm losing my balance, I'm sliding. I must have bypassed 4 whole steps, but I land on the ground, on my feet. Only there's no traction and I'm down. I bang me knee, and I land on my wrist. My wrist is fine (I didn't see the blood until later...) and I'm feeling okay about my knee (I didn't start limping til later). Mostly I'm just glad no one was around for that show.

So it's back to the neighbor's. She gives me a wire hanger to work with while she tries to find someone to help. It starts raining. 10 minutes later she makes it back with the maintenance guy and a phonebook. He starts working with the wire hanger and I'm off to call my work, and maybe a locksmith. I'm jogging toward my neighbor, who is standing there with her dog, Blue, on a leash. Well Blue apparently does not like people running at his momma because when I get close enough he runs up to me and bites my leg.

I shit you not people. I. SHIT. YOU. NOT.

My neighbor is super apologetic and luckily, Blue didn't break the skin or anything. It wasn't til I got to work that I noticed the huge welt and the mouth shaped bruise now gracing my right calf. A few minutes later, the maintenance guy successfully breaks into my car. I officially leave for work at 7:50 am. I'm only 20 minutes late.

Now let's make a list of what happened:
1. locked 2 sets of keys in the car
2. fall down set of icy steps
3. get bit by dog

ALL BEFORE 8:00 A.M. What the hell, man.

You know, I wanted to cry several times. I wanted to scream. I wanted to give up and run away. But I didn't. As a matter of fact, once I had myself in the car and headed to work, I think I laughed for half of my commute. I mean, honestly. The whole situation was absurdly hilarious. And I hope you're all laughing, too.

It's an occupational hazard of being independent, I guess. But I learned a good lesson. Yea, I got beat up this morning, but I survived. It all worked out. The world didn't end. And it wasn't long before I was laughing about it.

Sigh.

It's only Tuesday.

And in case you were wondering, I got to eat my breakfast, but my coffee had gotten kinda cold by the time I made it in to the car. Eh well. Oh, and despite all my bruises, I'm totally cool. Just kinda swollen and maybe a little bit sore.

rage against the machine

I think it's best that I hold off from talking about the new job until I've given it more of a chance. As of this moment, I can't exactly gush. But let's just say, I missed the Fox today.

Bad.

evaluation

I'm starting my new job on Monday morning and I'm feeling conflicted. On one hand, this job is what I came to Evansville for, for the most part, and I get to use my degree and speak French. That's cool. On the other hand, it's starting to look more and more like a dead end. It's a 9 to 5 type deal that guarantees to be predictable and to cut the spontaneous bit out of my life.

I've started to wonder. Am I the 9 to 5 type? I mean... really? I've always loved my jobs I've held that were laid back and weren't heavy on the structure. I've started questioning myself. Was I looking for a 9 to 5 because I thought that's what I was supposed to do, and not necessarily what I wanted to do? Because I didn't know what else to do? Is this really me?

I'm nervous about this new job because I'm not so sure it is. I don't want to live by what society says I should be doing with my life now. I don't want to convince myself that there's anything I have to do, besides making rent. I still don't know about the rest of my life and I don't think that's a bad thing. I've never been happy doing things because I thought that's what I was supposed to be doing.

I think the real Jenny is pretty free spirit and the real Jenny is a little nervous that she's going to be stifled.

impressionable me

It's amazing to me how the company you surround yourself with can influence your mentality. I know that I am my own person and I make my own choices and that I do these things for myself, but I can't deny that I take a little bit of something from the people I am around, and I think the same is true for most everyone else.

The past almost week or so I have felt happy and healthy. I think part of that is because of the company I'm keeping lately. I don't want to risk sounding like I'm amoreuse d'elle, so I won't go much farther than expressing my thankfulness for having met a person so quickly down here that I feel will be a life long friend. Our similarities keep surfacing and our differences seem to balance each other out.

I can't even express how neat it is to have met someone who is about as "go where the wind blows" as I am. It affirms that I'm not completely mad and that there is no reason to rush to bring my uncertainties certainty. It's a relief to find another outlet for accepting and embracing the spontaneous. It's been a long time since I realized the sincere openness of my horizons and actually was excited about it.

Friends really are where it's at, man.

one month in

Happy one month anniversary, Evansville.

So far, so good.

The Next Right Thing

Jane and I used to talk about what it was like internalizing all my feelings the way I have a tendency of doing. The way I was just carrying all of this garbage around with me as if it were hidden under my coat. It was weighing me down mentally, all the while I was convinced something was weighing me down physically. Instead of carrying my emotions with me, Jane encouraged me to share them with others and see how much that lightened my load. It's so cliché, but it's also so true. After my last post, my mood has been altered drastically.

I feel like I've regained some of my focus and my drive. Today, when I was with my friend Audra, I could feel myself concentrating more on building new bonds and opening myself up to her in ways Ed doesn't let me do. It's so hard to pay attention to the world around me when I'm letting Ed whisper in my ear 24 hours a day. Today was a good day because I realized that I have found someone in Evansville who I am really compatible with. I'm excited about this new friendship and getting to add someone else to my support system. It was so freeing to be fully committed to enjoying my time with Audra. I told Ed to shut up and let me be and he was silent today. On this day, I listened to Jenny, the REAL Jenny, and Audra, laughing about things that happened Tuesday and getting excited about the fun we'll be having tonight.

I also got to experience and share in the absolute JOY that my sister experienced on Wednesday when she married the love of her life! I am so happy that I got be 100% in that moment with her (mentally). I would've hated for Ed to steal that from me.

The other thing I did was to read in my book "Life After Ed." I turned to the section where the author is writing about relapsing. I realized that these bumps in the road aren't the be all and end all of my recovery. I haven't failed miserably. It doesn't have to be the way that it was and if I have a night where I binge, I have NO obligation to restrict the next day. Instead, I have to "do the next right thing," she says. I will NOT deny myself a meal. I will pick myself up, put myself back together and get going again on the healthy track.

The things restricting did to me physically are frightening. The things restricting did to me mentally are equally as worrisome. I don't want to be there again. I'm seeing once more how restricting is not the answer and feeling that welcome feeling of real happiness that comes from just letting go.

Before I sign off, I just want to send one more huge congratulations to my sister and my brother-in-law (even though I've considered LB my brother for years now!) on their marriage. I am SO happy for you two! I wish I could've been there but I'm sincerely looking forward to the time when we can all be together celebrating our family! I love you guys!

my story

I struggle with anorexia and I have been for nearly a year and a half now. I started getting help last semester and I made huge improvements. Now that I'm in Evansville and on my own, I don't really have the resources just yet to carry on with therapy. So I'm out here to trying to remember everything Jane helped me realize and trying to apply it to my every day life. It's all up to me now. Long story short: it hasn't been easy. Everyday is a battle and a process. I won't pretend either that I haven't had days of restriction. I'm not perfect and I've made mistakes along the way in my recovery. It almost seems natural that I would slip up a little. I'm no pro at this recovery deal. And that's okay.

Truth be told, I almost expected it to happen. I'm in a new place, starting from scratch, working a schedule that doesn't allow for too much consistency, worrying about new, adult things and trying to figure out the path certain elements of my life are taking. I'm out of my comfort zone and this translates to one thing: that same old feeling of not being in control.
This is the root of all my evils, I've discovered.

Part of what I did with my eating disorder (who will henceforth be called Ed) was restrict in order to control SOMETHING when I felt like everything else was out of my grasp. What happened was I lost even more control over my life because I was actually giving it all over to Ed. And let me tell you something about Ed. He's one smooth talker. He had (and lately he's been trying to make that present-tense) a way of convincing me the things I did were good for me. He would build me up one second and tear me down the next.

Last semester I learned, first, to stop listening to him and to decide for myself what was good and bad. Then, and possibly most importantly, I learned to disagree with him and to mean it. I realized Ed was a jerk and no good for me. I separated from Ed.

Now, I've made friends here in Evansville, but it's still too soon for any of these to stand up to the deeper relationships time and circumstances have had me move away from (geographically, I mean). Suffice it to say, I have moments of loneliness here. These are the moments that Ed stands up in his little corner of my mind that he still occupies and tries to remind me he's someone who's "there for me." And like I said earlier... there have been days lately that I've listened to him and come dangerously close to letting him back in my life.

The point of this blog, I realized last night, is going to be to work it out-- outside of my head and with the help of the people that love me most. Because the truth is, I haven't stopped needing you all and I haven't stopped struggling. And I don't want Ed to be my confidant anymore. I want you all because I don't want the false happiness that Ed offers me.

I want the real thing.

a new start and a continuance

I don't want to say that I'm doing this because everyone else did it. I actually re-formatted this old girl, I believe, around the time my friends seemed to be doing the same (all from our respective geographic locations). I started to make a post and then I changed my mind. But I will, in fact, give credit where credit is due and say that seeing all of their blogs reappear gave me that last little push to actually try this one more time.

That being said... I don't know that I'm going to say anything just yet about starting this blog over again for a couple reasons: 1) I don't have a lot of interesting observations about life. It's requiring enough effort just to get through it unscathed. 2) There's a lot of things I keep private (almost to a fault). This makes it hard to find things to say in a public diary.

On the other hand, keeping things to myself hasn't exactly landed me in too many healthy positions. Maybe this could be a good outlet for me. Maybe that's a better way to look at it.

Here's the deal: it's 3:39 in the morning. I've been home from work for about 40 minutes now and I'm kind of getting tired. I don't really have the energy or desire to go deeper than this today.