I have quite enjoyed my time as a blogger here, but I have decided to move to a new blog host. Please continue to visit me for updates and observations at the following site:
Everything Flows Onward
All my archives have gone over with me, so the transition is smoother. Similarly, bear with me if there are a lot of changes and often. I'm still new to the site and am trying to get my bearings. Also, expect to be hearing from me in the near future. There has been a fair amount of introspection going on in my life this week.
Namaste.
15 May 2009
08 May 2009
In Loving Memory
True to our form, doing what we do best, Erin and I got tattoos last night in memory of our cousin, Johnny. It seemed like a very fitting way for both of us to commemorate his life. We each got a violet flower, his birth flower, on our foot.
Johnny was laid to rest yesterday, May 7th, 2009. The service was beautiful and it is a blessing to have been here with my family.
Thank you to everyone who has carried us in his or her thoughts. Your love can be felt from miles away.
Johnny was our Peter Pan when we played together as children, and now, as an adult, Peter Pan he shall remain: forever young and gone back to Neverland. The rest of us will play the part of Wendy. We'll continue to grow older every passing day, and wait for spring cleaning, when Peter will come back to take us with him.
Rest in peace, John Losse, Jr.
05 May 2009
SEVA Challenge 2009
So, things are really up and running for our involvement in the SEVA 2009 Challenge.
In case you are not aware of what it is or what I have to do with it, allow us to explain:
WHAT IS OUR PURPOSE?
The SEVA Challenge 2009 is in collaboration with Off the Mat into the World organization (www.offthematintotheworld.org ) where yogis around the United States and Canada join hands to raise money for national and international causes.
This year, I have pledged to raise $20,000 by November 15, 2009 for three organizations. Once my goal is reached, I will be traveling to Uganda in February 2010. Through the transformative practice of daily yoga, extensive hands-on experience and leadership training, we will create a powerful container in which to learn, discover and become effective agents for change.
SHANTI UGANDA
A Vancouver based organization dedicated to helping children, women, and communities in Uganda find peace and health. OTM will support these efforts:
• Build an eco-friendly birthing center in remote Uganda
• Offer services to 50 HIV positive women
• Support a mid-wife training program, allowing them to earn an income, and supports women giving birth
BUILDING TOMORROW
Building Tomorrow is an international organization out of Indianapolis, Indiana. This year, OTM will support Building Tomorrow’s efforts:
• Building a primary school
• Housing for seven teachers and their families
• Develop a farm on the school’s property
YOUTH AIDS
Seane Corn, along with Ashley Judd and Josh Lucas, is an ambassador for Youth Aids. OTM will be working with this organization to support:
• Education and prevention initiative to stopping the spread of HIV/AIDS
• Life-saving programs in over 60 countries
In addition, 20% of proceeds will stay in the United States and Canada to support youth at-risk programs. OTM is committed to continuing our work to support cultures and communities where basic human needs are at risk and to offering our hearts, hands and resources in joyful and practical service.
The Facts:
-41% of children in Africa have no access to education.
-Every morning 41 million children in sub-Africa wake up with no school to attend.
-Over 1 million children in Uganda, between the ages of 6-12 are not in school.
-Only 57% of children in Uganda will complete primary school.
-The war in Northern Uganda has been called the most neglected humanitarian emergency in the world.
-15 million children around the world have been orphaned by AIDS losing one or both parents by this disease
-In a country where sanitation and medical facilities are lacking, high cesarean section rates, and other interventions lead to infection and death.
-Without continued access to education and supplies, these practices put the birthing mother and her child at risk causing thousands to die each year.
OUR PLAN:
Between now and November 15, people with the same vision and I have organized several events for this cause:
• Yoga-thons
• Cut-a-thons
• Art Auctions (one online and one live, local event)
• Letter writing campaigns
• Traveling yoga donation classes
ACTION:
I am asking you to support my effort in any way possible. If you feel inclined to offer a monetary donation, please do so the following ways below. Your tax deductible donation will go to support these worthwhile causes. If you would like to donate an item for our art auction, or volunteer for one of our other efforts, please contact me at staceyshanks@insightbb.com or (812) 455-6740.
Your donation will be part of a legacy of hope for Uganda and an agent for social change. Please consider my plea for help by supporting this cause and my goal now. I am happy to answer any questions you may have about these organizations or my efforts. Together we CAN make a difference!
Love & blessings for a better tomorrow,
Stacey Shanks
Lynn Falcony
Jenny Naes
Another tid bit of information that may be of interest to you is the monetary goal of our efforts. Stacey has taken the SEVA pledge, which means that in order to be able to travel to Uganda and physically take part in the efforts of the above mentioned organizations, she must raise $20,000 by November 15th. Stacey's entire heart and soul is being poured into her efforts. I have seen firsthand how much this means to her to have the opportunity to take part. She is so moved by the cause and was absolutely called by the universe to take action.
So, how can you donate? There is a button at the top left of this blog which you can click and be directed to the donation site. From there, please select Stacey Shanks as the recipient of your donation. Another option available to you is to send checks to Off the Mat, Into the World P.O. Box 748, Venice, CA 90294 (payable to The Engage Network with Stacey Shanks in the memo on the check).
How can you get involved or stay updated on information? We invite you all to join our Ning network: www.sevachallenge.ning.com. This is the site that Stacey, Lynn and I have set up for our organizing efforts. Here you can sign in, find friends, join groups and forum discussions, keep updated on our progress and our events. There is so much exciting stuff going on here. I hope you all will join us and consider giving what you can. Your help means the world to us all.
Namaste'.
In case you are not aware of what it is or what I have to do with it, allow us to explain:
WHAT IS OUR PURPOSE?
The SEVA Challenge 2009 is in collaboration with Off the Mat into the World organization (www.offthematintotheworld.org ) where yogis around the United States and Canada join hands to raise money for national and international causes.
This year, I have pledged to raise $20,000 by November 15, 2009 for three organizations. Once my goal is reached, I will be traveling to Uganda in February 2010. Through the transformative practice of daily yoga, extensive hands-on experience and leadership training, we will create a powerful container in which to learn, discover and become effective agents for change.
SHANTI UGANDA
A Vancouver based organization dedicated to helping children, women, and communities in Uganda find peace and health. OTM will support these efforts:
• Build an eco-friendly birthing center in remote Uganda
• Offer services to 50 HIV positive women
• Support a mid-wife training program, allowing them to earn an income, and supports women giving birth
BUILDING TOMORROW
Building Tomorrow is an international organization out of Indianapolis, Indiana. This year, OTM will support Building Tomorrow’s efforts:
• Building a primary school
• Housing for seven teachers and their families
• Develop a farm on the school’s property
YOUTH AIDS
Seane Corn, along with Ashley Judd and Josh Lucas, is an ambassador for Youth Aids. OTM will be working with this organization to support:
• Education and prevention initiative to stopping the spread of HIV/AIDS
• Life-saving programs in over 60 countries
In addition, 20% of proceeds will stay in the United States and Canada to support youth at-risk programs. OTM is committed to continuing our work to support cultures and communities where basic human needs are at risk and to offering our hearts, hands and resources in joyful and practical service.
The Facts:
-41% of children in Africa have no access to education.
-Every morning 41 million children in sub-Africa wake up with no school to attend.
-Over 1 million children in Uganda, between the ages of 6-12 are not in school.
-Only 57% of children in Uganda will complete primary school.
-The war in Northern Uganda has been called the most neglected humanitarian emergency in the world.
-15 million children around the world have been orphaned by AIDS losing one or both parents by this disease
-In a country where sanitation and medical facilities are lacking, high cesarean section rates, and other interventions lead to infection and death.
-Without continued access to education and supplies, these practices put the birthing mother and her child at risk causing thousands to die each year.
OUR PLAN:
Between now and November 15, people with the same vision and I have organized several events for this cause:
• Yoga-thons
• Cut-a-thons
• Art Auctions (one online and one live, local event)
• Letter writing campaigns
• Traveling yoga donation classes
ACTION:
I am asking you to support my effort in any way possible. If you feel inclined to offer a monetary donation, please do so the following ways below. Your tax deductible donation will go to support these worthwhile causes. If you would like to donate an item for our art auction, or volunteer for one of our other efforts, please contact me at staceyshanks@insightbb.com or (812) 455-6740.
Your donation will be part of a legacy of hope for Uganda and an agent for social change. Please consider my plea for help by supporting this cause and my goal now. I am happy to answer any questions you may have about these organizations or my efforts. Together we CAN make a difference!
Love & blessings for a better tomorrow,
Stacey Shanks
Lynn Falcony
Jenny Naes
Another tid bit of information that may be of interest to you is the monetary goal of our efforts. Stacey has taken the SEVA pledge, which means that in order to be able to travel to Uganda and physically take part in the efforts of the above mentioned organizations, she must raise $20,000 by November 15th. Stacey's entire heart and soul is being poured into her efforts. I have seen firsthand how much this means to her to have the opportunity to take part. She is so moved by the cause and was absolutely called by the universe to take action.
So, how can you donate? There is a button at the top left of this blog which you can click and be directed to the donation site. From there, please select Stacey Shanks as the recipient of your donation. Another option available to you is to send checks to Off the Mat, Into the World P.O. Box 748, Venice, CA 90294 (payable to The Engage Network with Stacey Shanks in the memo on the check).
How can you get involved or stay updated on information? We invite you all to join our Ning network: www.sevachallenge.ning.com. This is the site that Stacey, Lynn and I have set up for our organizing efforts. Here you can sign in, find friends, join groups and forum discussions, keep updated on our progress and our events. There is so much exciting stuff going on here. I hope you all will join us and consider giving what you can. Your help means the world to us all.
Namaste'.
02 May 2009
Grieving
This morning I woke up and couldn't have found enough paper in the entire world onto which I could write all of the reasons I thought I was in a bad mood. Certainly it was partly because I haven't eaten healthily enough of the past few days. "I'm sure I gained 10 pounds last night alone..." And surely it had something to do with the fact that I will be missing more yoga classes this week than I like to. How can I remain in a good mood if I don't have my yoga? And don't even get me started on the fact that there hasn't been sun in a few days. I'm obviously deficient in vitamin D and clearly a lost cause. All of these things combined, how could I possible be light and cheery today?
I meditated. I begged for clarity, for a single ray of sunshine, for a way to be light. My meditation ended and I went on about my morning. I didn't notice any changes immediately following, so I figured I was pretty much doomed. It was only 6:31 am and already my day was shot.
About an hour later, I got into my car and began driving to the yoga studio where I was to be teaching two classes today. Behind the wheel of my car, I started crying. Tears wouldn't stop falling. I realized suddenly just why I felt like I was in a fog and I knew how to remove myself from it. I realized that my made-up list of Why I Should Be Pissy Today was just my ego's way of protecting itself/myself from feeling pain. It was a diversion tactic, in other words. Interestingly, it was also the first time I ever truly saw how anorexia was a desperate egoic action-- my ego saw something it didn't like, ran in the other direction and frantically waved it's arms, drawing my attention away from the reality of my life, away from truth, only later to get lazy long enough to see what was truly haunting me and realize how much it had gotten out of hand, having been ignored. But I digress some.
So there I was, driving and crying, and I realized that because I had asked (okay, seriously I begged) for clarity, I was finally receiving it. The fog was lifted and I was left with grief. Three days after learning the news, I had now begun grieving the loss of my cousin.
Instead of trying desperately not to feel pain, I let go and became present for my reality. I showed up for my grief. I sat with it; I allowed it to saturate me. I let it do what it needed to do. I let it work itself through me. My grief told me it couldn't handle being ignored anymore. It needed to talk, to be heard, just for a short while. It asked that I put my shield down, open the curtains and cease to be ashamed of it. "Please," grief implored, "I just need you to accept me."
And so I cried the whole way to the studio. I cried because my cousin ever hurt. I cried because we are all hurting for him now. I cried because I want to be with my family as soon as possible and that's not soon enough for my own preference. I cried because we are in the midst of a family tragedy. As I cried, the clouds of my mind parted ever so slightly, Release softly assuring me it was on the horizon.
Stacey was the only person to show up for the 8:30 class. She listened to me as I was finally acknowledging my grief and letting it be heard. She let me cry some more and then offered to sit and meditate together as opposed to doing a physical practice. So we sat, and I continued to give grief my attention, as long as it needed it.
Then, slowly, I began to feel warm. Eyes closed, I felt the sun shining on me from the inside out. The sunshine that can only come from my Source. I was transported to a grassy field. I got warmer still, sitting in this field. I could feel the Sun and a soft, warm breeze. I became aware of the grass and I felt my cousin Johnny with me. He was a blade of grass and he whispered to me that he'd never leave us. I was touched with such an overwhelming sense of peace. All I'd had to do was stop denying grief, to allow myself to be present for it, and eventually my grief would be transformed into peace.
I knew the next thing I needed to do was to write. So I wrote my Aunt Kathy, Johnny's mother, a letter that I will give to her at the wake. The release kept coming with every stroke of my pen and when I finally finished and looked up for the first time, out of the studio windows, I saw that the clouds outside had parted ever so slightly and through them, the warm and generous sun was offering a few beautiful beams of light.
I meditated. I begged for clarity, for a single ray of sunshine, for a way to be light. My meditation ended and I went on about my morning. I didn't notice any changes immediately following, so I figured I was pretty much doomed. It was only 6:31 am and already my day was shot.
About an hour later, I got into my car and began driving to the yoga studio where I was to be teaching two classes today. Behind the wheel of my car, I started crying. Tears wouldn't stop falling. I realized suddenly just why I felt like I was in a fog and I knew how to remove myself from it. I realized that my made-up list of Why I Should Be Pissy Today was just my ego's way of protecting itself/myself from feeling pain. It was a diversion tactic, in other words. Interestingly, it was also the first time I ever truly saw how anorexia was a desperate egoic action-- my ego saw something it didn't like, ran in the other direction and frantically waved it's arms, drawing my attention away from the reality of my life, away from truth, only later to get lazy long enough to see what was truly haunting me and realize how much it had gotten out of hand, having been ignored. But I digress some.
So there I was, driving and crying, and I realized that because I had asked (okay, seriously I begged) for clarity, I was finally receiving it. The fog was lifted and I was left with grief. Three days after learning the news, I had now begun grieving the loss of my cousin.
Instead of trying desperately not to feel pain, I let go and became present for my reality. I showed up for my grief. I sat with it; I allowed it to saturate me. I let it do what it needed to do. I let it work itself through me. My grief told me it couldn't handle being ignored anymore. It needed to talk, to be heard, just for a short while. It asked that I put my shield down, open the curtains and cease to be ashamed of it. "Please," grief implored, "I just need you to accept me."
And so I cried the whole way to the studio. I cried because my cousin ever hurt. I cried because we are all hurting for him now. I cried because I want to be with my family as soon as possible and that's not soon enough for my own preference. I cried because we are in the midst of a family tragedy. As I cried, the clouds of my mind parted ever so slightly, Release softly assuring me it was on the horizon.
Stacey was the only person to show up for the 8:30 class. She listened to me as I was finally acknowledging my grief and letting it be heard. She let me cry some more and then offered to sit and meditate together as opposed to doing a physical practice. So we sat, and I continued to give grief my attention, as long as it needed it.
Then, slowly, I began to feel warm. Eyes closed, I felt the sun shining on me from the inside out. The sunshine that can only come from my Source. I was transported to a grassy field. I got warmer still, sitting in this field. I could feel the Sun and a soft, warm breeze. I became aware of the grass and I felt my cousin Johnny with me. He was a blade of grass and he whispered to me that he'd never leave us. I was touched with such an overwhelming sense of peace. All I'd had to do was stop denying grief, to allow myself to be present for it, and eventually my grief would be transformed into peace.
I knew the next thing I needed to do was to write. So I wrote my Aunt Kathy, Johnny's mother, a letter that I will give to her at the wake. The release kept coming with every stroke of my pen and when I finally finished and looked up for the first time, out of the studio windows, I saw that the clouds outside had parted ever so slightly and through them, the warm and generous sun was offering a few beautiful beams of light.
30 April 2009
meme's put me to sleep.
-Prologue-
1. Who took your profile picture?
on facebook, rachel
2. Exactly what are you wearing right now?
a tank top and shorts
3. What is your current problem?
my problems are trivial compared to those of others.
4. What makes you most happy?
yoga, the sunrise, friends and family. oh... and coffee.
5. What's the name of the song that you're listening to?
"life is wonderful" by jason mraz. it's my current fave.
______________________________________
Chapter 1:
1. Nickname?
jennynaes, jenny ness, yogi, mama, sissy, jen, j
2. Eye color?
blue
3. Hair color?
blonde
4.Height?
5'5
________________________________________________________
Chapter 2:
1. Do you live with both of your parent(s)?
nope
2. Do you get along with them?
yeah, a lot more now than in the past
3. Are your parents chill?
i'd say so
4. Do you have any Siblings?
a sister and a brother
______________________________________________________
Chapter 3:
FAVORITE:
1. Ice Cream?
anything from coldstone
2. Season?
spring
3. Book?
oh geez... Eat Pray Love moved its way up. The classics include Wuthering Heights and Pride and Prejudice
4. Color?
all of them
5. Food?
bananas
6. Drink?
coffee
9. Pen color?
doesnt' matter
10. Store?
ummm probably the grocery store...
__________________________________________________________
Chapter 4:
DO YOU
1.Write on your hand?
no, dad scared me out of doing that when i was younger
2. Call people back?
eh... no not usually. oops.
3. Believe in love?
yes to love. absolutely.
4. Sleep on a certain side of the bed?
yeah, the outer side
___________________________________________________________
Chapter 5:
HAVE Y0U?
1. Kissed Someone in the past 48 hours?
kensington, on the cheek. we're so european.
2. If so...where?
see #1
3. Have you ever had PHYSICAL therapy?
nope
4. Gotten surgery?
yep
5. Taken painkillers?
yeah, doctors orders only.
#6 removed.
7. Been stung by a bee?
not to my recollection
8. Threw up in a doctors office:
very likely
_____________________________________________
Chapter 6:
Who/what was the last:
2. Person to text you?
chris c.
3. Thing you touched?
i went *pat pat* to oliver's head.
5. Thing you said?
"I can't see when you stand in front of my computer like that" to oliver. shoulda never *pat pat*ed him
7. Person you hugged?
kensington
8. Person you talked to on the phone?
chris c.
11. Last book you read?
just finished Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert, now i'm almost done with Anne Lamott's Traveling Mercies
12. Last time you cleaned your room?
i vacuumed today, if that counts, but only because i broke glass on the floor
____________________________________________
Chapter 7:
Random:
2. What's the most exciting thing that happened to you today?
things fell into place conveniently in a way that lessens my stress load while preparing to go back to st. louis next week
3. How many best friends do you have?
three
4.Who do you love?
i'm not picky. it's easier to love everyone than it is to not.
5. What's on your bedroom floor?
lots of stuff, clothes, and oliver's fur balls
6. Who was the last person you got into an argument with?
oh geez. i don't argue much ever anymore.
7. Do you trust people easily?
yeah.
8. If you could move away, no questions asked, where would you move to?
i'd pick between spokane, washington, boulder colorado and somewhere in montana. or wyoming. hmmm...
9. Do you think you're good looking?
in general, i understand that my appearance is more socially accepted than others'
10.Could you go a day without eating?
i don't think so
11. How much do looks matter to you?
my looks? or others? the answers are different.
12. How do you feel about P.D.A.?
i'd rather not see you exchange bodily fluids w/ anyone in pubic.
13. When was the last time you had your hair cut?
... march 2008
14. Does it take a lot to make you cry?
no way. i'll cry for anything
15. What's the worst car accident you've ever been in?
before senior year of hs, got hit head on by a truck
17. Do you tell your parents everything?
no but i don't withhold things either
18. Would you rather be a bird or a fish?
a bird used to be a fish, so the answer doesn't matter
19. If you need to go to the store a block away, do you walk or drive?
well i'd rather walk, but evv is not so pedestrian or biker friendly. at any rate, the store is not a block away from me.
20. Does the thought of marriage scare you?
no
21. How many kids do you want?
right now, none.
22. Whats your favorite color to wear?
i wear a lot of black for work and for yoga
23. Who was the last person in your bedroom besides you?
probably Noah
24. What are you doing today?
the day's over. but today i worked and ran some errands and taught yoga. tomorrow i'm working and then meeting holly and cass for thai food.
25. What would you do if you found a dinosaur egg?
call pbs and see if i couldn't get myself on NOVA or something
26. Do you get bored easily?
restless, mostly. it's hard to get bored bc i have a hard time sitting still
27. Did you ever want to change your name when you were younger?
yeah, laura and i made honest efforts
28. Do you wish you were famous?
there are better things to spend my wishes on
29. What do you do to your eyebrows?
let them get disgusting and unwieldy, spend an hour plucking, repeat.
30. Who's the last text message you received from?
chris c.
31. How do you like your steak cooked?
rare, and by rare i mean, do not kill and eat the cow in the first place.
32. Have you ever been in a cave?
meramac caverns in stl
33. Have you ever eaten a bug?
accidentally, i'm sure
34. Do you think there is someone for everyone?
someone for everyone and everyone for someone. we're all for each other at the end of the day.
1. Who took your profile picture?
on facebook, rachel
2. Exactly what are you wearing right now?
a tank top and shorts
3. What is your current problem?
my problems are trivial compared to those of others.
4. What makes you most happy?
yoga, the sunrise, friends and family. oh... and coffee.
5. What's the name of the song that you're listening to?
"life is wonderful" by jason mraz. it's my current fave.
__________________________
Chapter 1:
1. Nickname?
jennynaes, jenny ness, yogi, mama, sissy, jen, j
2. Eye color?
blue
3. Hair color?
blonde
4.Height?
5'5
__________________________
Chapter 2:
1. Do you live with both of your parent(s)?
nope
2. Do you get along with them?
yeah, a lot more now than in the past
3. Are your parents chill?
i'd say so
4. Do you have any Siblings?
a sister and a brother
__________________________
Chapter 3:
FAVORITE:
1. Ice Cream?
anything from coldstone
2. Season?
spring
3. Book?
oh geez... Eat Pray Love moved its way up. The classics include Wuthering Heights and Pride and Prejudice
4. Color?
all of them
5. Food?
bananas
6. Drink?
coffee
9. Pen color?
doesnt' matter
10. Store?
ummm probably the grocery store...
__________________________
Chapter 4:
DO YOU
1.Write on your hand?
no, dad scared me out of doing that when i was younger
2. Call people back?
eh... no not usually. oops.
3. Believe in love?
yes to love. absolutely.
4. Sleep on a certain side of the bed?
yeah, the outer side
__________________________
Chapter 5:
HAVE Y0U?
1. Kissed Someone in the past 48 hours?
kensington, on the cheek. we're so european.
2. If so...where?
see #1
3. Have you ever had PHYSICAL therapy?
nope
4. Gotten surgery?
yep
5. Taken painkillers?
yeah, doctors orders only.
#6 removed.
7. Been stung by a bee?
not to my recollection
8. Threw up in a doctors office:
very likely
__________________________
Chapter 6:
Who/what was the last:
2. Person to text you?
chris c.
3. Thing you touched?
i went *pat pat* to oliver's head.
5. Thing you said?
"I can't see when you stand in front of my computer like that" to oliver. shoulda never *pat pat*ed him
7. Person you hugged?
kensington
8. Person you talked to on the phone?
chris c.
11. Last book you read?
just finished Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert, now i'm almost done with Anne Lamott's Traveling Mercies
12. Last time you cleaned your room?
i vacuumed today, if that counts, but only because i broke glass on the floor
__________________________
Chapter 7:
Random:
2. What's the most exciting thing that happened to you today?
things fell into place conveniently in a way that lessens my stress load while preparing to go back to st. louis next week
3. How many best friends do you have?
three
4.Who do you love?
i'm not picky. it's easier to love everyone than it is to not.
5. What's on your bedroom floor?
lots of stuff, clothes, and oliver's fur balls
6. Who was the last person you got into an argument with?
oh geez. i don't argue much ever anymore.
7. Do you trust people easily?
yeah.
8. If you could move away, no questions asked, where would you move to?
i'd pick between spokane, washington, boulder colorado and somewhere in montana. or wyoming. hmmm...
9. Do you think you're good looking?
in general, i understand that my appearance is more socially accepted than others'
10.Could you go a day without eating?
i don't think so
11. How much do looks matter to you?
my looks? or others? the answers are different.
12. How do you feel about P.D.A.?
i'd rather not see you exchange bodily fluids w/ anyone in pubic.
13. When was the last time you had your hair cut?
... march 2008
14. Does it take a lot to make you cry?
no way. i'll cry for anything
15. What's the worst car accident you've ever been in?
before senior year of hs, got hit head on by a truck
17. Do you tell your parents everything?
no but i don't withhold things either
18. Would you rather be a bird or a fish?
a bird used to be a fish, so the answer doesn't matter
19. If you need to go to the store a block away, do you walk or drive?
well i'd rather walk, but evv is not so pedestrian or biker friendly. at any rate, the store is not a block away from me.
20. Does the thought of marriage scare you?
no
21. How many kids do you want?
right now, none.
22. Whats your favorite color to wear?
i wear a lot of black for work and for yoga
23. Who was the last person in your bedroom besides you?
probably Noah
24. What are you doing today?
the day's over. but today i worked and ran some errands and taught yoga. tomorrow i'm working and then meeting holly and cass for thai food.
25. What would you do if you found a dinosaur egg?
call pbs and see if i couldn't get myself on NOVA or something
26. Do you get bored easily?
restless, mostly. it's hard to get bored bc i have a hard time sitting still
27. Did you ever want to change your name when you were younger?
yeah, laura and i made honest efforts
28. Do you wish you were famous?
there are better things to spend my wishes on
29. What do you do to your eyebrows?
let them get disgusting and unwieldy, spend an hour plucking, repeat.
30. Who's the last text message you received from?
chris c.
31. How do you like your steak cooked?
rare, and by rare i mean, do not kill and eat the cow in the first place.
32. Have you ever been in a cave?
meramac caverns in stl
33. Have you ever eaten a bug?
accidentally, i'm sure
34. Do you think there is someone for everyone?
someone for everyone and everyone for someone. we're all for each other at the end of the day.
29 April 2009
Loss
I did not come upon my belief that God lives in me, in all of us, without reason. I have had experiences in my life that tell me it is so.
Recently, during savasana, at the end of a yoga class, as I was lying there, concentrating on quieting my mind, I received a thought. I say I received it because, while it was in my head, it was decidedly not a thought I conjured up myself. But it was Heard. The thought was this: I have not experienced a great deal of tragic loss in my life. Not since my grandmother died, and even then I was so young that I could hardly understand what was happening around me. The thought continued: I have not experienced a great deal of tragic loss in my life, for that I have been lucky but it is time to ready my mind for loss. This is not something to which I can continue to be immune.
A couple of days later, Laura and I were talking about this after she told me of someone else's tragic loss. We talked about loss some, and tragedy and tried our best to understand what is not understandable: Why a person would take their own life. It was during this time, these days, that I was was discovering an awakening of my spiritual self. I felt the energy of life, of Earth, of God. There is so much love to give and receive.
Today I got news from my mother than one of my cousins, the same age as my sister and I, appears to have taken his own life in the night. This cousin lived in our house for a while when we were younger. We played Peter Pan in a makeshift bedroom in our basement. Later they moved to Alabama.
Not being a mother myself, I can never begin to understand the pain of losing one's youngest child. Being a sister, I shiver at the mere idea of.... I can't even bring myself to say it... it hurts too much to even consider.
In the midst of this tragedy, I find myself grateful for the timing of the Universe. I am grateful to have faith in something greater than myself. I am grateful for the things I have learned throughout the last 8 months. I find solice knowing and believing that Johnny will never be gone from our lives, that he can never truly be gone. For he will be returned to the Earth, from whence he came. He will grow up once more- as soil, as nutrients, as a beautiful flower. He will continue to give to the Earth. He will be in the air that we breathe and in the rain that will fall. He will never be gone.
"From my rotting body, flowers shall grow and I am in them and that is eternity." Edvard Munch
"Believe not god is in your heart, child/ but rather you're in the heart of God." Jason Mraz
Rest In Peace, Johnny.
Recently, during savasana, at the end of a yoga class, as I was lying there, concentrating on quieting my mind, I received a thought. I say I received it because, while it was in my head, it was decidedly not a thought I conjured up myself. But it was Heard. The thought was this: I have not experienced a great deal of tragic loss in my life. Not since my grandmother died, and even then I was so young that I could hardly understand what was happening around me. The thought continued: I have not experienced a great deal of tragic loss in my life, for that I have been lucky but it is time to ready my mind for loss. This is not something to which I can continue to be immune.
A couple of days later, Laura and I were talking about this after she told me of someone else's tragic loss. We talked about loss some, and tragedy and tried our best to understand what is not understandable: Why a person would take their own life. It was during this time, these days, that I was was discovering an awakening of my spiritual self. I felt the energy of life, of Earth, of God. There is so much love to give and receive.
Today I got news from my mother than one of my cousins, the same age as my sister and I, appears to have taken his own life in the night. This cousin lived in our house for a while when we were younger. We played Peter Pan in a makeshift bedroom in our basement. Later they moved to Alabama.
Not being a mother myself, I can never begin to understand the pain of losing one's youngest child. Being a sister, I shiver at the mere idea of.... I can't even bring myself to say it... it hurts too much to even consider.
In the midst of this tragedy, I find myself grateful for the timing of the Universe. I am grateful to have faith in something greater than myself. I am grateful for the things I have learned throughout the last 8 months. I find solice knowing and believing that Johnny will never be gone from our lives, that he can never truly be gone. For he will be returned to the Earth, from whence he came. He will grow up once more- as soil, as nutrients, as a beautiful flower. He will continue to give to the Earth. He will be in the air that we breathe and in the rain that will fall. He will never be gone.
"From my rotting body, flowers shall grow and I am in them and that is eternity." Edvard Munch
"Believe not god is in your heart, child/ but rather you're in the heart of God." Jason Mraz
Rest In Peace, Johnny.
27 April 2009
Thoughts on God
I was raised Catholic. At best, we were pretty fair-weather Catholics. We attended mass on the occasional Sunday morning, but made sure to never miss an Easter service or Midnight Mass. My sister and I attended Public School Religion classes every Tuesday night until we were in middle school. I always struggled with my Catholicism. I always felt like a fraud in church. I never felt God, who I had been taught was separate from me. It pained me that I wasn’t touched by faith. Oh, how I wanted to have faith. In my youth, I never quite imagined there could be another path to God than the one presented before me. To say I worried about this is an understatement. If there was just this one way, and I couldn’t find myself on it… what would become of me? True to my own form, I spent a lot of time simply not thinking about my situation. I became apathetic, with a now-and-again spurt of religious fervor. The summer before my senior year of high school was one of these times. I fell in with a small crowd of peers who were active in their Catholic faith, and because I was both impressionable and, on a certain level, still desperate to feel God and have a faith of my own, I became slightly more dedicated to my religion. I started attending church on Sundays again and at the end of the summer, I went on a retreat with the youth group to Denver, Colorado. This was the first time I experienced God and Love. During this retreat, I felt emotions I had never known. I remember collapsing into weeping episodes that I couldn’t explain. I even stood up and committed myself to Jesus. I was saved.
The day that I got back from the retreat, I was with my friend, driving to go see my Mother for the first time in a week and we were in a car accident. I spent a couple nights in the hospital for observation. As if that weren’t enough for my poor soul, while in the hospital, the doctors found, completely unrelated to this accident, a tumor along my spine. With the utmost compassion and professionalism ever seen in the history of medicinal care, the young doctor who was assigned my case immediately informed me upon discovering said tumor that it was almost certainly a rare form of cancer, absolutely without a cure, and that more than likely, my short time on earth would be soon coming to an end. Then, after I, the 17 year old who had just come from telling God that she was His, that Jesus was her savior, spent a night lying awake in a hospital room, experiencing her mortality for the first time, the doctor returned with the news that what I had in my body was actually a benign tumor known as a Schwannoma. Essentially, an overgrowth of nerve cells and nothing more, easily taken care of with a simple surgery. No cancer, no dying just yet. (My thoughts on the American health care system to come a later point in time…) At any rate, what I’ll say about this ordeal and my faith as a 17 year old is that you could just go ahead and stuff your theories about “This is God’s test” where the sun don’t shine. I wasn’t having it. I gave my heart to You and this—THIS—is how you repay me? Commence the Dark Years.
Bitter doesn’t quite begin to describe my feelings toward God after this. In fact, I went staunchly in the opposite direction—as close to atheism as one can get without actually saying it. As it were, I don’t think I was ever an atheist, even if I had ever claimed to be one. Over time, I calmed down quite a bit and found what I considered to be a happy medium known as agnosticism. To this day, I don’t think it was an illogical mindset, and I fully understand the questions and concerns of the agnostic. What I eventually decided was that I just didn’t know. And what’s more, I had no way of ever knowing. Who was I but one little person. If there was a God, then He was so vast and huge and way beyond anything I’d ever have the capacity to understand or know. And at that time, that was just fine with me.
There were both good and bad reasons that led me to agnosticism. Commencing with the latter, I grew up seeing attending church as an obligation and subsequently, I saw God as an obligation, a chore at best, and achingly boring (even during my Religious Summer, attending church services each week was a test of my strength). Furthermore, I was raised with the idea that God was some Being outside of myself, of whom I should be fearful of and to whom I should spend my days begging to forgive me for all the wretched sins I committed throughout each passing day and please, please, please when I get to the pearly gates don’t send me away to the depths of hell for all of eternity. I remember thinking that God, if there was one, couldn’t possibly be so temperamental, so punishing and so full of wrath. Even before I reached the age of 10, I explicitly remember thinking that God (again, if there was one) couldn’t be anything other than Love. Allow me a pause here to note that I am not bashing Catholicism or Christianity, as I would discover later, it's just that I came to understand it just simply was not the path for me, personally. This in no way means to say either are a less valid path to realizing God.
And there was also the good (or at least, what I see as good). From the things that I found negative, I established my own idea of “religion.” I developed the belief that church was not necessary to express your devotion to God (ITWO). I thought, “If I really love and believe in God, then I don’t need to go to church to express that love.”
Next, I allowed myself to develop an interest in how other people, cultures, religions devoted themselves to God. I opened my eyes to other possibilities. The summer before I went away to college, I became enthralled by Hinduism. This is where I was first introduced to Yoga. I loved the openness of the religion, the way you could practically cherry pick the things that worked for you, the deity that helped guide you to God, the prayers you chose, the way you prayed, etc etc. This was also my first introduction to the idea that God was not a Being outside of myself, that God was in me, that God was Me—that God was Love.
To make a long essay slightly less long and boring, I spent the next 5 and a half years simultaneously in love with the Hindu religion, and subsequently parlayed that into a love of Buddhism, which, being itself a spiritual philosophy, satisfied the part of me that still harbored a “thing” against any form of organized religion. But I still maintained my agnosticism. The rest then, is history, and if you’ve read my blogs at all, or know me, then you know my struggles in between then and now and how I came to where I am in my life- my dedication to yoga and the new eyes through which I see the world.
Why am I telling you this? (And jiminey- thank you if you’ve stuck with me thus far through my tale. I did NOT think it would be this long. If you’re still here- stick with me! I think I’m almost done.) I’m telling you this because one day a couple of weeks ago, I was milling about in my kitchen, making a batch of soup and, suddenly, like I had been slapped across the face— or maybe in this case, gently tapped on the heart—I felt my faith again. Without a doubt, to the point that just writing this sentence brings a knot to my throat that makes me want to cry with joy, with wonder, with love, I have faith in God. I mean… God. A word that I have struggled to reconcile myself with for so many years. Even at the beginning of my Yoga journey and self-transformation, the best I could offer up was the word Energy to explain everything, just so I didn’t have to say the G word. But I’m sorry (ha! no I’m not!)—God is alive and well inside of me. Oh, and I can feel it. I can feel the Love. It’s ready to burst right out of me. I have felt the call lately to take up my sitting meditation again. To rise with the sun and sit with God. Suddenly, with everything I do, I find myself thinking unconsciously, “I can be with God right now.” That mantra alone, fills me with love and contentment and unity with the world.
I have finally released my old emotions, and the old connotations that I had toward God, the word. I am embracing divinity. Never in my life have I honestly had as much faith as I do in this moment. I am certain that God is inside of me, that the universe is working with me, that when I send out my intention and my prayer that it is being heard and not only considered, but put into action. And if God is inside of me, then God is not beyond my reach, like I imagined was the case as an agnostic. I can know and realize God.
And, oh, how I want to know God and how I am going to put so much energy into knowing God (and consequently, knowing myself.) There is too much in the way that my life has changed in the past 2 years, or even in the past 7 months to deny that God is not providing for me. When I have broken down and screamed in my head that I could take it no longer, the Universe, with it’s never-ending charity, generously gave to me the strength and the direction. When I was aimless and exhausted from a lack of inspiration, overwhelmed by trying to choose a path for myself, there was God, answering my prayer and showing me the way.
It’s not that I believe in leaving it all up to God and letting everything just happen. No. In fact, I believe that it is equal parts God’s charity, and my elbow grease. God is in me, the resolution is in me. It’s a matter of tuning into my Truth, practicing and training my ear to acutely hear the answer coming from Me, not the answer coming from my ego, who is a workaholic and constantly aims to undermine the work I’ve done (who is even at this moment audible in the background, jumping up and down and saying, “Do you hear yourself? You sound like a kook! No, listen to me! I’m the rational one! Faith isn’t rational and therefore can’t be trusted! No, listen to me!”). Faith, by its very nature, is not rational, or else it would not be faith. So all I can say now is that I’m done trying to sound rational or logical about faith. Because God’s talking to me, and I’ve got no interest in only listening half the time and defending myself (to who, anyway?) the rest of the time. No more. God’s got my undivided attention.
The day that I got back from the retreat, I was with my friend, driving to go see my Mother for the first time in a week and we were in a car accident. I spent a couple nights in the hospital for observation. As if that weren’t enough for my poor soul, while in the hospital, the doctors found, completely unrelated to this accident, a tumor along my spine. With the utmost compassion and professionalism ever seen in the history of medicinal care, the young doctor who was assigned my case immediately informed me upon discovering said tumor that it was almost certainly a rare form of cancer, absolutely without a cure, and that more than likely, my short time on earth would be soon coming to an end. Then, after I, the 17 year old who had just come from telling God that she was His, that Jesus was her savior, spent a night lying awake in a hospital room, experiencing her mortality for the first time, the doctor returned with the news that what I had in my body was actually a benign tumor known as a Schwannoma. Essentially, an overgrowth of nerve cells and nothing more, easily taken care of with a simple surgery. No cancer, no dying just yet. (My thoughts on the American health care system to come a later point in time…) At any rate, what I’ll say about this ordeal and my faith as a 17 year old is that you could just go ahead and stuff your theories about “This is God’s test” where the sun don’t shine. I wasn’t having it. I gave my heart to You and this—THIS—is how you repay me? Commence the Dark Years.
Bitter doesn’t quite begin to describe my feelings toward God after this. In fact, I went staunchly in the opposite direction—as close to atheism as one can get without actually saying it. As it were, I don’t think I was ever an atheist, even if I had ever claimed to be one. Over time, I calmed down quite a bit and found what I considered to be a happy medium known as agnosticism. To this day, I don’t think it was an illogical mindset, and I fully understand the questions and concerns of the agnostic. What I eventually decided was that I just didn’t know. And what’s more, I had no way of ever knowing. Who was I but one little person. If there was a God, then He was so vast and huge and way beyond anything I’d ever have the capacity to understand or know. And at that time, that was just fine with me.
There were both good and bad reasons that led me to agnosticism. Commencing with the latter, I grew up seeing attending church as an obligation and subsequently, I saw God as an obligation, a chore at best, and achingly boring (even during my Religious Summer, attending church services each week was a test of my strength). Furthermore, I was raised with the idea that God was some Being outside of myself, of whom I should be fearful of and to whom I should spend my days begging to forgive me for all the wretched sins I committed throughout each passing day and please, please, please when I get to the pearly gates don’t send me away to the depths of hell for all of eternity. I remember thinking that God, if there was one, couldn’t possibly be so temperamental, so punishing and so full of wrath. Even before I reached the age of 10, I explicitly remember thinking that God (again, if there was one) couldn’t be anything other than Love. Allow me a pause here to note that I am not bashing Catholicism or Christianity, as I would discover later, it's just that I came to understand it just simply was not the path for me, personally. This in no way means to say either are a less valid path to realizing God.
And there was also the good (or at least, what I see as good). From the things that I found negative, I established my own idea of “religion.” I developed the belief that church was not necessary to express your devotion to God (ITWO). I thought, “If I really love and believe in God, then I don’t need to go to church to express that love.”
Next, I allowed myself to develop an interest in how other people, cultures, religions devoted themselves to God. I opened my eyes to other possibilities. The summer before I went away to college, I became enthralled by Hinduism. This is where I was first introduced to Yoga. I loved the openness of the religion, the way you could practically cherry pick the things that worked for you, the deity that helped guide you to God, the prayers you chose, the way you prayed, etc etc. This was also my first introduction to the idea that God was not a Being outside of myself, that God was in me, that God was Me—that God was Love.
To make a long essay slightly less long and boring, I spent the next 5 and a half years simultaneously in love with the Hindu religion, and subsequently parlayed that into a love of Buddhism, which, being itself a spiritual philosophy, satisfied the part of me that still harbored a “thing” against any form of organized religion. But I still maintained my agnosticism. The rest then, is history, and if you’ve read my blogs at all, or know me, then you know my struggles in between then and now and how I came to where I am in my life- my dedication to yoga and the new eyes through which I see the world.
Why am I telling you this? (And jiminey- thank you if you’ve stuck with me thus far through my tale. I did NOT think it would be this long. If you’re still here- stick with me! I think I’m almost done.) I’m telling you this because one day a couple of weeks ago, I was milling about in my kitchen, making a batch of soup and, suddenly, like I had been slapped across the face— or maybe in this case, gently tapped on the heart—I felt my faith again. Without a doubt, to the point that just writing this sentence brings a knot to my throat that makes me want to cry with joy, with wonder, with love, I have faith in God. I mean… God. A word that I have struggled to reconcile myself with for so many years. Even at the beginning of my Yoga journey and self-transformation, the best I could offer up was the word Energy to explain everything, just so I didn’t have to say the G word. But I’m sorry (ha! no I’m not!)—God is alive and well inside of me. Oh, and I can feel it. I can feel the Love. It’s ready to burst right out of me. I have felt the call lately to take up my sitting meditation again. To rise with the sun and sit with God. Suddenly, with everything I do, I find myself thinking unconsciously, “I can be with God right now.” That mantra alone, fills me with love and contentment and unity with the world.
I have finally released my old emotions, and the old connotations that I had toward God, the word. I am embracing divinity. Never in my life have I honestly had as much faith as I do in this moment. I am certain that God is inside of me, that the universe is working with me, that when I send out my intention and my prayer that it is being heard and not only considered, but put into action. And if God is inside of me, then God is not beyond my reach, like I imagined was the case as an agnostic. I can know and realize God.
And, oh, how I want to know God and how I am going to put so much energy into knowing God (and consequently, knowing myself.) There is too much in the way that my life has changed in the past 2 years, or even in the past 7 months to deny that God is not providing for me. When I have broken down and screamed in my head that I could take it no longer, the Universe, with it’s never-ending charity, generously gave to me the strength and the direction. When I was aimless and exhausted from a lack of inspiration, overwhelmed by trying to choose a path for myself, there was God, answering my prayer and showing me the way.
It’s not that I believe in leaving it all up to God and letting everything just happen. No. In fact, I believe that it is equal parts God’s charity, and my elbow grease. God is in me, the resolution is in me. It’s a matter of tuning into my Truth, practicing and training my ear to acutely hear the answer coming from Me, not the answer coming from my ego, who is a workaholic and constantly aims to undermine the work I’ve done (who is even at this moment audible in the background, jumping up and down and saying, “Do you hear yourself? You sound like a kook! No, listen to me! I’m the rational one! Faith isn’t rational and therefore can’t be trusted! No, listen to me!”). Faith, by its very nature, is not rational, or else it would not be faith. So all I can say now is that I’m done trying to sound rational or logical about faith. Because God’s talking to me, and I’ve got no interest in only listening half the time and defending myself (to who, anyway?) the rest of the time. No more. God’s got my undivided attention.
22 April 2009
Meme
I refuse to let Facebook turn into Myspace by posting and reposting viral surveys. However, I was tagged by Kensington and I do so love to talk about myself. If you're reading this and you have a blog, or a Facebook account, consider yourself tagged.
Therefore, I present to you: Jennology
***********FOODOLOGY***************
What is your salad dressing of choice?
balsamic vinegarette or honey mustard
What is your favorite sit-down restaurant?
thai papaya
What food could you eat every day for two weeks and not get sick of?
bananas
What are your pizza toppings of choice?
hit me with all the veggies minus the olives.
What do you like to put on your toast?
peanut butter and honey
***********TECHNOLOGY***************
How many televisions are in your house?
1
What color cell phone do you have?
it's green and silver. it's a motorola renew- totally carbon neutral cell phone!
Do you have an Ipod?
yep, my momma got me an ipod mini before i went to france
***************BIOLOGY******************
Are you right-handed or left-handed?
right handed
Have you ever had anything removed from your body?
a schwannoma removed from my spine
What is the last heavy item you lifted?
probably something at starbucks, while unloading the truck
Have you ever been knocked unconscious?
no
************BULLCRAPOLOGY**************
If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die?
absolutely not
If you could change your name, what would you change it to?
i wouldn't. just today i told someone that if i ever get married my husband will have to either have the last name starting with N, so i can hyphenate, or settle for the fact that i'm keeping my last name so i can preserve my clever initials: j.e.n.
Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1000?
it'd prob be easier and quicker to list the things i would NOT do for $1k
************DUMBOLOGY******************
How many pairs of flip flops do you own?
many, many. although lately i am more attached to my birkenstocks. my feet stay cleaner, and being true birks, they are much nicer to my feet and less stress-fracture-returning than flops.
Last time you had a run-in with the cops?
i guess it was when i got my speeding ticket last october or november. whenever that was.
Last person you talked to?
erin
Last person you hugged?
stephanie, at hallmark
**************FAVORITOLOGY****************
Season?
i like the transitional seasons, spring and fall.
Holiday?
thanksgiving
Day of the week?
either mondays or wednesdays, i guess. although i'll admit i have a hard time seeing days of the week in a one's-better-than-six-others kind of way.
Month?
sort of goes the same for months as it did for days but just for cooperation's sake, april.
***********CURRENTOLOGY*****************
Missing someone?
a couple someones, in the way one constantly misses their great friends but lives fully despite this fact.
Mood?
calm.
What are you listening to?
Alone Apart by Marketta Irglova on my Glen Hansard Pandora station.
Watching?
the magic of letters appearing on a computer screen as my fingers tap tap at corresponding keys on the keyboard
Worrying about?
"same as usual" - this is kensington's answer and i'm keeping it.
***************RANDOMOLOGY*****************
First place you went this morning?
the kitchen to start a pot of coffee
What's the last movie you saw?
17 again... don't judge me for liking it a little and maybe having a crush on zac efron now
Do you smile often?
several times daily
Sleeping Alone Tonight?
if i'm lucky a kitten named lily will come keep me company before too long
***************OTHER-OLOGY*****************
Do you always answer your phone?
no way. i'm a screener.
Its four in the morning and you get a text message, who is it?
twitter or someone who wants to test my love for them by texting when they know full well i am asleep and will be angry if i get woken up, which actually will not happen because my phone never leaves 'vibrate' setting and goes on the floor at night so that it will not disturb me and i can maintain all desired relationships with folks.
If you could change your eye color what would it be?
i like the eye color i come with now.
If you could change any drink flavor at sonic what would it be?
i don't go to sonic, so i have no idea how to answer this question
Do you own a digital camera?
yes, and it is full of pictures of my kittens, lily and fat olly
have you ever owned a fish?
several beta fish: ion, zen and then petit chou.
Favorite Christmas song(s)
ave maria by harry connick jr, do you hear what i hear by carrie underwood (gives me chills everytime) and mary's boy child by boney m.
What's on your wish list for your birthday?
i just had my birthday, but i didn't really have a wishlist. i am using bday money to get a new tattoo though.
Can you do push ups?
i can come down with lots of control and straight, but i have a harder time coming back up and not leading with my hips.... you didn't care about the physiology of my push up, but i think about it daily in yoga.
Can you do a chin up?
ha, i'd try if no one was looking, maybe.
Does the future make you nervous or excited?
both
Do you have any saved texts?
yes, i don't delete until my phone says i have to bc of memory.
Ever been in a car wreck?
yeah
Do you have an accent?
we all have accents somewhere
What is the last song to make you cry?
om sanctuary, it's both a cd and song. well technically it's a seventy minute long song.
Plans tonight?
you're reading 'em
Have you ever felt like you hit rock bottom?
i think we all do at some point
Name 3 things you bought yesterday.
i don't think i bought anything at all yesterday
Have you ever been given roses?
once, by my parents
Current worry?
always money
Current hate right now?
hate's not something i do.
Met someone who changed your life?
absolutely
How will you spend summer?
teaching yoga, experiencing new yoga, making people gourmet coffee beverages and traveling some as well.
What song represents you?
angel's prayer by ty burhoe
Name three people who might complete this.
oh heavens, i don't know who might maybe do this besides laura.
Would you go back in time if you were given the chance?
not back in time as in, to revisit my own past, but i'd sure love to hang out in the 60s some.
Have you ever dated someone longer than a year?
yes
Do you have any piercings/tattoos?
6 tattoos, 1 on the way and 1 nose piercing
Will you be in a relationship 4 months from now?
i have no way of knowing this
Does anyone love you?
luckily, yes!
Would you be a pirate?
in light of recent current events, i feel this question is sort of off-color. however, my answer is no. i can't hold rum quite like i used to.
What songs do you sing in the shower?
none, i listen to NPR
Ever had someone sing to you?
awk-fest
When did you last cry?
today, watching a video on youtube about the Earth, and no i'm not embarassed by this fact.
Do you like to cuddle?
surely
Have you held hands with anyone today?
no
Who was the last person you took a picture of?
lily
What kind of music did you listen to in elementary school?
i was a full on teeny bopper
Do you believe in staying close with your ex's/prospects?
the grammar here is confusing me. my ex's prospects or my exes and my prospects?
Are most of the friends in your life new or old?
a happy mixture of both
Do you like pulpy orange juice?
yeah. the pulp is good for you.
What is something your friends make fun of you for?
being a tree-hugging hippie
Therefore, I present to you: Jennology
***********FOODOLOGY******
What is your salad dressing of choice?
balsamic vinegarette or honey mustard
What is your favorite sit-down restaurant?
thai papaya
What food could you eat every day for two weeks and not get sick of?
bananas
What are your pizza toppings of choice?
hit me with all the veggies minus the olives.
What do you like to put on your toast?
peanut butter and honey
***********TECHNOLOGY*****
How many televisions are in your house?
1
What color cell phone do you have?
it's green and silver. it's a motorola renew- totally carbon neutral cell phone!
Do you have an Ipod?
yep, my momma got me an ipod mini before i went to france
***************BIOLOGY****
Are you right-handed or left-handed?
right handed
Have you ever had anything removed from your body?
a schwannoma removed from my spine
What is the last heavy item you lifted?
probably something at starbucks, while unloading the truck
Have you ever been knocked unconscious?
no
************BULLCRAPOLOGY*
If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die?
absolutely not
If you could change your name, what would you change it to?
i wouldn't. just today i told someone that if i ever get married my husband will have to either have the last name starting with N, so i can hyphenate, or settle for the fact that i'm keeping my last name so i can preserve my clever initials: j.e.n.
Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1000?
it'd prob be easier and quicker to list the things i would NOT do for $1k
************DUMBOLOGY*****
How many pairs of flip flops do you own?
many, many. although lately i am more attached to my birkenstocks. my feet stay cleaner, and being true birks, they are much nicer to my feet and less stress-fracture-returning than flops.
Last time you had a run-in with the cops?
i guess it was when i got my speeding ticket last october or november. whenever that was.
Last person you talked to?
erin
Last person you hugged?
stephanie, at hallmark
**************FAVORITOLOGY
Season?
i like the transitional seasons, spring and fall.
Holiday?
thanksgiving
Day of the week?
either mondays or wednesdays, i guess. although i'll admit i have a hard time seeing days of the week in a one's-better-than-six-others kind of way.
Month?
sort of goes the same for months as it did for days but just for cooperation's sake, april.
***********CURRENTOLOGY***
Missing someone?
a couple someones, in the way one constantly misses their great friends but lives fully despite this fact.
Mood?
calm.
What are you listening to?
Alone Apart by Marketta Irglova on my Glen Hansard Pandora station.
Watching?
the magic of letters appearing on a computer screen as my fingers tap tap at corresponding keys on the keyboard
Worrying about?
"same as usual" - this is kensington's answer and i'm keeping it.
***************RANDOMOLOGY
First place you went this morning?
the kitchen to start a pot of coffee
What's the last movie you saw?
17 again... don't judge me for liking it a little and maybe having a crush on zac efron now
Do you smile often?
several times daily
Sleeping Alone Tonight?
if i'm lucky a kitten named lily will come keep me company before too long
***************OTHER-OLOGY
Do you always answer your phone?
no way. i'm a screener.
Its four in the morning and you get a text message, who is it?
twitter or someone who wants to test my love for them by texting when they know full well i am asleep and will be angry if i get woken up, which actually will not happen because my phone never leaves 'vibrate' setting and goes on the floor at night so that it will not disturb me and i can maintain all desired relationships with folks.
If you could change your eye color what would it be?
i like the eye color i come with now.
If you could change any drink flavor at sonic what would it be?
i don't go to sonic, so i have no idea how to answer this question
Do you own a digital camera?
yes, and it is full of pictures of my kittens, lily and fat olly
have you ever owned a fish?
several beta fish: ion, zen and then petit chou.
Favorite Christmas song(s)
ave maria by harry connick jr, do you hear what i hear by carrie underwood (gives me chills everytime) and mary's boy child by boney m.
What's on your wish list for your birthday?
i just had my birthday, but i didn't really have a wishlist. i am using bday money to get a new tattoo though.
Can you do push ups?
i can come down with lots of control and straight, but i have a harder time coming back up and not leading with my hips.... you didn't care about the physiology of my push up, but i think about it daily in yoga.
Can you do a chin up?
ha, i'd try if no one was looking, maybe.
Does the future make you nervous or excited?
both
Do you have any saved texts?
yes, i don't delete until my phone says i have to bc of memory.
Ever been in a car wreck?
yeah
Do you have an accent?
we all have accents somewhere
What is the last song to make you cry?
om sanctuary, it's both a cd and song. well technically it's a seventy minute long song.
Plans tonight?
you're reading 'em
Have you ever felt like you hit rock bottom?
i think we all do at some point
Name 3 things you bought yesterday.
i don't think i bought anything at all yesterday
Have you ever been given roses?
once, by my parents
Current worry?
always money
Current hate right now?
hate's not something i do.
Met someone who changed your life?
absolutely
How will you spend summer?
teaching yoga, experiencing new yoga, making people gourmet coffee beverages and traveling some as well.
What song represents you?
angel's prayer by ty burhoe
Name three people who might complete this.
oh heavens, i don't know who might maybe do this besides laura.
Would you go back in time if you were given the chance?
not back in time as in, to revisit my own past, but i'd sure love to hang out in the 60s some.
Have you ever dated someone longer than a year?
yes
Do you have any piercings/tattoos?
6 tattoos, 1 on the way and 1 nose piercing
Will you be in a relationship 4 months from now?
i have no way of knowing this
Does anyone love you?
luckily, yes!
Would you be a pirate?
in light of recent current events, i feel this question is sort of off-color. however, my answer is no. i can't hold rum quite like i used to.
What songs do you sing in the shower?
none, i listen to NPR
Ever had someone sing to you?
awk-fest
When did you last cry?
today, watching a video on youtube about the Earth, and no i'm not embarassed by this fact.
Do you like to cuddle?
surely
Have you held hands with anyone today?
no
Who was the last person you took a picture of?
lily
What kind of music did you listen to in elementary school?
i was a full on teeny bopper
Do you believe in staying close with your ex's/prospects?
the grammar here is confusing me. my ex's prospects or my exes and my prospects?
Are most of the friends in your life new or old?
a happy mixture of both
Do you like pulpy orange juice?
yeah. the pulp is good for you.
What is something your friends make fun of you for?
being a tree-hugging hippie
13 April 2009
Living Dharma- Self Titled Blog
I just finished reading the latest blog from the Yarn Harlot, entitled "Bridge." In it, she describes her disdain for transitions. Specifically, she talks about traveling from one place to the next and the emotional and physical upheavals into which she is thrown. It struck me as interesting because late last year I wrote a blog with a similar emphasis on travel, except I took the opposite stance, describing what I loved about leaving places.
So as I was reading I started thinking about how much I enjoy the transition, the excitement of something different, the excitement of the upheaval, and furthermore, how I tend to struggle instead with readjusting once I have arrived and then maintaining a level of excitement once I am rooted.
For me, I feel as though the journey, the transition is the greatest part. There is something about having only exactly what I need, the bare minimum upon which I can survive, the supreme detachment to all of my stuff and then embarking on an adventure. It's here that I can learn the most about myself because myself (or, you could say, my Self) is all I have. It feels like I'm living Truth. This, for me, is what life is about. The journey, the adventure, the learning, the revelation.
It is when I arrive that I am most thrown off guard. What do I do at the destination? Sometimes it feels as though I've forgotten why I initially intended to travel, having gleaned something I often feel is absolutely greater than I what I set out for in the first place. So I am there, and I have new information and new eyes. It would appear that I may never find myself lost while traveling, but may instead have no idea where I am when I arrive. Where do I set my things down? How do I interact with others? And generally, riding the Traveler's High, I generally am thinking, When do we get to do it again?
So it's safe to say I am not always most comfortable with the settling period. (Oh, by the way, if you haven't caught on yet, I'm so very not talking simply about literal travel anymore...) Eventually, however, I do. And the next thing that comes is the attempts to stay excited about where I am. You could say I sometimes may confuse the word "stable" for "stagnant." It happens in yoga ("When will my next 'aha' moment be?!"), it happens in my life ("This daily routine feels like I'm stuck in a hamster wheel!").
As I'm writing and reading here, I am now able to see that the difference here is awareness and mindfulness of the present moment. In one situation- when I travel and experience detachment- I am fully alive. I am aware only of the present moment. In the other situation- when I am settled and becoming more attached to things or stuff or what have you- I am distracted and I lose this awareness.
Last night I had dinner with a friend and we had an extended conversation about balance and the middle path. As we talked about things happening in our lives, and the issues that were most important to us presently, we realized that at the core of every issue, we were trying to find the center between to poles. It seems that in this life we are always attempting to find balance. How can I be nice and not a pushover? Stern but not a bitch? How may I follow my heart and my own path without disregarding the feelings of others? How may I find myself both rooted and detached?
If I could find a way to see my life as the ceaseless journey it truly is, I could be fully aware and alive. There is no hamster wheel! Every moment is an 'aha!' moment!
Incidentally, I have just gone on the journey of this blog. I have traveled and explored. I have arrived at a destination, and I am lost. Now what? Now that I have gained some insight for myself, how do I apply it? How do I use it without overwhelming myself? At the end of yoga class we have 10 minutes lying in Savasana for deep relaxation, to let our practice sink in. Yet again, yoga gives us tools for real life applications of this new knowledge... My mind just did a really intense yoga practice and needs some Savasana.
I'm on to something here, I know it. It's something I need to meditate on. It's part of this transformation. I call my blog Living Dharma for a reason. I can find this middle path, or walk a lot closer to it on a more regular basis. I get closer every day and am grateful to think of myself as I was 2 years ago, 1 year ago, heck, 2 months ago and know that I get closer every day.
So as I was reading I started thinking about how much I enjoy the transition, the excitement of something different, the excitement of the upheaval, and furthermore, how I tend to struggle instead with readjusting once I have arrived and then maintaining a level of excitement once I am rooted.
For me, I feel as though the journey, the transition is the greatest part. There is something about having only exactly what I need, the bare minimum upon which I can survive, the supreme detachment to all of my stuff and then embarking on an adventure. It's here that I can learn the most about myself because myself (or, you could say, my Self) is all I have. It feels like I'm living Truth. This, for me, is what life is about. The journey, the adventure, the learning, the revelation.
It is when I arrive that I am most thrown off guard. What do I do at the destination? Sometimes it feels as though I've forgotten why I initially intended to travel, having gleaned something I often feel is absolutely greater than I what I set out for in the first place. So I am there, and I have new information and new eyes. It would appear that I may never find myself lost while traveling, but may instead have no idea where I am when I arrive. Where do I set my things down? How do I interact with others? And generally, riding the Traveler's High, I generally am thinking, When do we get to do it again?
So it's safe to say I am not always most comfortable with the settling period. (Oh, by the way, if you haven't caught on yet, I'm so very not talking simply about literal travel anymore...) Eventually, however, I do. And the next thing that comes is the attempts to stay excited about where I am. You could say I sometimes may confuse the word "stable" for "stagnant." It happens in yoga ("When will my next 'aha' moment be?!"), it happens in my life ("This daily routine feels like I'm stuck in a hamster wheel!").
As I'm writing and reading here, I am now able to see that the difference here is awareness and mindfulness of the present moment. In one situation- when I travel and experience detachment- I am fully alive. I am aware only of the present moment. In the other situation- when I am settled and becoming more attached to things or stuff or what have you- I am distracted and I lose this awareness.
Last night I had dinner with a friend and we had an extended conversation about balance and the middle path. As we talked about things happening in our lives, and the issues that were most important to us presently, we realized that at the core of every issue, we were trying to find the center between to poles. It seems that in this life we are always attempting to find balance. How can I be nice and not a pushover? Stern but not a bitch? How may I follow my heart and my own path without disregarding the feelings of others? How may I find myself both rooted and detached?
If I could find a way to see my life as the ceaseless journey it truly is, I could be fully aware and alive. There is no hamster wheel! Every moment is an 'aha!' moment!
Incidentally, I have just gone on the journey of this blog. I have traveled and explored. I have arrived at a destination, and I am lost. Now what? Now that I have gained some insight for myself, how do I apply it? How do I use it without overwhelming myself? At the end of yoga class we have 10 minutes lying in Savasana for deep relaxation, to let our practice sink in. Yet again, yoga gives us tools for real life applications of this new knowledge... My mind just did a really intense yoga practice and needs some Savasana.
I'm on to something here, I know it. It's something I need to meditate on. It's part of this transformation. I call my blog Living Dharma for a reason. I can find this middle path, or walk a lot closer to it on a more regular basis. I get closer every day and am grateful to think of myself as I was 2 years ago, 1 year ago, heck, 2 months ago and know that I get closer every day.
07 April 2009
Time to Travel
I wish I could blog something these days.
I want to express myself. I want to be inspired to write something. I'm not so busy I don't have time to blog. I'm blocked. I can feel something inside of me that wants to come out, but it hasn't made itself clear to me.
This scenario is playing out in other aspects of my life. I've been partaking in some energy work recently, to unblock channels in my body, especially in my hips and lower abdomen, where I tend to hold my tension. And don't we all know about hips right? Since my last session with my energy worker, I have been pretty emotional, to either end of the spectrum and back. Crying in the middle of yoga class, or needlessly outraged because I've been minorly inconvenienced. My patience has absolutely gone out the window. And Universe, please forgive me for these days I've spent backtracking through my work on compassion. Honestly, I feel a bit like I need an exorcism. This energy is waking up inside me and I'm adjusting to it slowly. I see this opportunity as one to discover new things about myself, my body, and as an opportunity to cleanse and find genuine purity in my life.
Part of me is frightened of what I'm going to meet the more I focus on it. Things I thought I'd laid to rest? Things I hoped to never come up against again? Things that may completely blindside me?
So it's safe to say there's some fear, or maybe apprehension is a better word for it. But here's what I know: tonight, I was engaged in a rather dull, yet somewhat cathartic activity at work. Despite it being a task I considered pretty mind numbing, I found myself intensely present in despite of that. Of course, it's only in these moments of Quiet, wherever we happen to find them, that we are able to Hear. And that's when I heard. I am on the brink of something here. Something major. There is a transformation going on in and around me. I don't know what it consists of and I don't know where it's leading me. But what I heard was that it is big and it is good. Far outweighing my apprehensions is this overwhelming sense of peace, sense of calm. That wonderful feeling of knowing I'll be taken care of by the Universe. It's what I can only describe as true Faith.
What I'm conscious of is that the road may be rocky, but I'm headed in the right direction. I was never one to take the easy path, anyway.
So just in case you wonder where I've gone, I'm on a journey at present, and I'll be sending postcards along the way...
28 March 2009
playtime
Do you know what we did in yoga class this afternoon?
We laughed. We laughed so much we were all crying.
Sometimes in yoga we deal with "serious" issues. That's to say, we deal with an exploratio
And so for me, it's a truth that I take yoga seriously.
Of course, I have fun in class. Everyday I enjoy myself, otherwise I wouldn't keep coming back. But today, I was gently reminded that yoga is not always meant to be so serious. In fact, it is just as playful as it is introverte
Incidental
It began by class getting a late start because those of us there, and the instructor
It felt so freeing to just throw everything
At one point I remember being overwhelme
It was also nice to have that little reminder that, yes... yoga can bring is to deal with serious issues, but also, at the end of the day, yoga is simply fun and playful. It's about playing and exploring and being curious and just trying, completely
Friends, I believe I tasted Freedom today.
19 March 2009
downtown evansville
i used to think i was a big-city girl. but now i live in a big-little city in the midwest. we don't have lots of stuff, but what we have what we need. (okay, i'd still argue the case for more legitimate nature, but other than that, we're golden.) where i live is actually quite pretty. whenever i go wandering around downtown, i imagine what this place was like in another era and i feel very certain that i would've quite loved it then too.
18 March 2009
Tree. Friend.
I went to Wesselman'
Touchée, Mother Nature. Touchée. Nothing is dead. Everything
Further along the walking trail, I came across this section of a tree trunk laying on the ground. I was drawn to him for whatever reason. I got this feeling that I might have known him. So we sat together, quitely for a while. We shared our stories. I told him mine and he told me his. I realized they were the same.
I put my hands on him and I felt the pulse of my energy, of his energy and of life energy. All at once, there was no difference in these energies. We were the same, one pulse beating in time.I left my friend there, in the woods, and as I walked away I wondered if we'd ever meet again or if our acquaintance was one that was not meant to be repeated. Like many other questions in this life, I don't have the answer and that is okay. I found joy in having known him for a short time. And that is enough.
12 March 2009
i named her kali
11 March 2009
i have the power
i just taught my third yoga class ever in life. it was a great morning class with 3 students, one of them totally new to the studio, but not new to yoga. my first two classes went perfectly fine. but there was something about this class today, that, as i was going through the asanas, i just felt this vibe. i remember thinking, "man, this is a good class." i thought it could've just been me, but i was feeling an energy. i felt like we were all getting a challenge, building heat, doing good things and doing them together.
then, at the end of class, as everyone was settling back into seated postures and i was preparing to read a thought for the day, i met eyes with one of the girls in the class. at that moment, the realization that it wasn't just me that had felt that vibe. afterwards, she came up to me and said, "that was just the best class!" and then proceeded to list all the things that she thought were interesting, different and that she had enjoyed.
i know this is partly ego driven, but my heart has swollen to ten times its original size. (think, "they like me, they really like me!") but another part of why this makes me so, so rapturous is the reason why i wanted to teach yoga in the first place. i have said before that if i could just make one person feel for a fraction of a second what i have felt from doing yoga, then i would have done the greatest good and completed my purpose. three classes in and it seems to have happened! i am so filled with love for yoga and for the students and for everything right now. this is why i'm sharing yoga. to know that i have the ability to open people up to that feeling, to be able to guide them to that feeling... it is miraculous.
i am so fulfilled. i certainly enjoyed the compliment but more than anything, i feel as though i've never given so much back to the world, the universe, life as i am giving right now and it. feels. good. giving joy, giving optimism, giving an open mind... when before i only thought i had the power, i know now i do have the power. just like knowing that there is peace inside of me, that there is strength, that there is radical self-acceptance, there is this ability too. all i have to do is call upon it, share it, send it outward.
it feels to me as though this is the culmination of all the inner work i have done (and continue to do). finally, i have done enough work that i may shine my light outward. i never would've imagined that shining it outward would feel so, so wonderful.
this is a good day.
then, at the end of class, as everyone was settling back into seated postures and i was preparing to read a thought for the day, i met eyes with one of the girls in the class. at that moment, the realization that it wasn't just me that had felt that vibe. afterwards, she came up to me and said, "that was just the best class!" and then proceeded to list all the things that she thought were interesting, different and that she had enjoyed.
i know this is partly ego driven, but my heart has swollen to ten times its original size. (think, "they like me, they really like me!") but another part of why this makes me so, so rapturous is the reason why i wanted to teach yoga in the first place. i have said before that if i could just make one person feel for a fraction of a second what i have felt from doing yoga, then i would have done the greatest good and completed my purpose. three classes in and it seems to have happened! i am so filled with love for yoga and for the students and for everything right now. this is why i'm sharing yoga. to know that i have the ability to open people up to that feeling, to be able to guide them to that feeling... it is miraculous.
i am so fulfilled. i certainly enjoyed the compliment but more than anything, i feel as though i've never given so much back to the world, the universe, life as i am giving right now and it. feels. good. giving joy, giving optimism, giving an open mind... when before i only thought i had the power, i know now i do have the power. just like knowing that there is peace inside of me, that there is strength, that there is radical self-acceptance, there is this ability too. all i have to do is call upon it, share it, send it outward.
it feels to me as though this is the culmination of all the inner work i have done (and continue to do). finally, i have done enough work that i may shine my light outward. i never would've imagined that shining it outward would feel so, so wonderful.
this is a good day.
25 February 2009
twitter can't support this kind of update
I've got a little down time tonight so I thought I'd take the opportunity to fill my pals in on the latest Jenny-related news.
This past weekend was the retreat in New Harmony, "Stressed Out to Blessed Out," hosted by one of my most respected yoga instructors, Stacey Shanks, and the wonderful and amazing (did I mention Martha Beck certified life coach) Susan Hyatt. I spent the weekend with these 2 women as well as 10 others and we talked about making our lives everything they deserved to be, replacing our negative thoughts with positive ones; we did yoga; we made art with the help of the fantastic Laura Mitchell and we got massages from the magnificent Joy Timmons. It was a truly inspiring and empowering weekend and it was exactly what I needed.
I was given the opportunity to sit down and really think about how to take on my goals for my life and make them less dream, more reality. I'm very happy with the outcome and I'd like to share it with you all.
Obviously, my main goal is to be able to support myself solely by teaching yoga. What I hadn't thought about was taking my yoga outside of the studio. Absolutely, studio teaching is something I want to do, I love a good, physical class and I love the community we have at EYC, but with the help of Susan, I was able to begin thinking outside of the box. She asked me, who would I most like to offer yoga to, if I could offer it to absolutely anyone. It was about then that I knew: I need to reach out to girls who have been affected by body image issues and eating disorders. Suddenly the reason for that period of my life became clear. (Incidentally, this became even more clear to me today when I went hiking with my friend Beth, who is also a yoga teacher, and we were talking about our similar experiences and I mentioned to her that I sometimes felt like a "fraud" with my ED because I didn't have it nearly as bad as other girls- and guys - do. Because I was able to catch myself before it had gone too far, because I had an easier recovery, I thought I was just lucky. The more I think about it though, the more I have come to realize that my struggle was just enough for me to be given the tools to go out into the world and help girls in the same position as I was.)
I have already taken some steps in the direction of making this happen and will continue to do so. I want to help people, through yoga, who need to reestablish their mind-body connection. I want to host classes and I want to host retreats. This is also the reason I established my new blog, Off the Beaten Mat (which, by the way, has it's first official, new post up at this time). I post a lot of my blogs on the Yoga Journal community page as well and have gotten some very affirming feedback from the people there. By way of my blog, I hope to be able to shed some light on the mental transformations that we experience when we practice yoga.
Those are my next moves "career"wise/ business wise. I am convinced I can turn these ideas into something great, something needed and useful in Evansville.
Also, March 7th is my first official day as a yoga instructor. Chris has given me the Saturday morning class on the East side of town. I'm also substitute teaching for her and Stacey several times in March and tomorrow I'm giving a private session to one of my Starbucks coworkers, trying to help her in her efforts to quit smoking, so I will be getting lots of teaching time in! There has also been mention of organizing and co-hosting a couple of workshops and/or retreats at the studio. All of this plus I'm still doing the Starbucks/Hallmark thing and trying to fit in time for a new hobby: hiking.
It's a busy life down here in Indiana, but I'll tell you what, it's exactly the life I've always wanted for myself.
This past weekend was the retreat in New Harmony, "Stressed Out to Blessed Out," hosted by one of my most respected yoga instructors, Stacey Shanks, and the wonderful and amazing (did I mention Martha Beck certified life coach) Susan Hyatt. I spent the weekend with these 2 women as well as 10 others and we talked about making our lives everything they deserved to be, replacing our negative thoughts with positive ones; we did yoga; we made art with the help of the fantastic Laura Mitchell and we got massages from the magnificent Joy Timmons. It was a truly inspiring and empowering weekend and it was exactly what I needed.
I was given the opportunity to sit down and really think about how to take on my goals for my life and make them less dream, more reality. I'm very happy with the outcome and I'd like to share it with you all.
Obviously, my main goal is to be able to support myself solely by teaching yoga. What I hadn't thought about was taking my yoga outside of the studio. Absolutely, studio teaching is something I want to do, I love a good, physical class and I love the community we have at EYC, but with the help of Susan, I was able to begin thinking outside of the box. She asked me, who would I most like to offer yoga to, if I could offer it to absolutely anyone. It was about then that I knew: I need to reach out to girls who have been affected by body image issues and eating disorders. Suddenly the reason for that period of my life became clear. (Incidentally, this became even more clear to me today when I went hiking with my friend Beth, who is also a yoga teacher, and we were talking about our similar experiences and I mentioned to her that I sometimes felt like a "fraud" with my ED because I didn't have it nearly as bad as other girls- and guys - do. Because I was able to catch myself before it had gone too far, because I had an easier recovery, I thought I was just lucky. The more I think about it though, the more I have come to realize that my struggle was just enough for me to be given the tools to go out into the world and help girls in the same position as I was.)
I have already taken some steps in the direction of making this happen and will continue to do so. I want to help people, through yoga, who need to reestablish their mind-body connection. I want to host classes and I want to host retreats. This is also the reason I established my new blog, Off the Beaten Mat (which, by the way, has it's first official, new post up at this time). I post a lot of my blogs on the Yoga Journal community page as well and have gotten some very affirming feedback from the people there. By way of my blog, I hope to be able to shed some light on the mental transformations that we experience when we practice yoga.
Those are my next moves "career"wise/ business wise. I am convinced I can turn these ideas into something great, something needed and useful in Evansville.
Also, March 7th is my first official day as a yoga instructor. Chris has given me the Saturday morning class on the East side of town. I'm also substitute teaching for her and Stacey several times in March and tomorrow I'm giving a private session to one of my Starbucks coworkers, trying to help her in her efforts to quit smoking, so I will be getting lots of teaching time in! There has also been mention of organizing and co-hosting a couple of workshops and/or retreats at the studio. All of this plus I'm still doing the Starbucks/Hallmark thing and trying to fit in time for a new hobby: hiking.
It's a busy life down here in Indiana, but I'll tell you what, it's exactly the life I've always wanted for myself.
23 February 2009
Introducing: Off the Beaten Mat
If days were longer I'd give you a fantastic rundown of what my weekend retreat was like, but alas, they are not and I cannot. Suffice it to say that a lot of great work was done and decisions about my life and life's purpose were made. On that note, I'd like to formally introduce the creation of my newest blog: Off the Beaten Mat
That blog is going to be my more philosophical/meditational/motivational/yogic-al one, and Living Dharma will be more personal and about day to day things. (Hopefully this means I'll update more...?) (This also means you can expect, at some point, an explanation for all of this blog changing and the recap of the weekend, too.)
I'm starting it off with some of my older posts that I had put on here until I have time to actually write the newest blog, which is in development as we speak.
I'm really excited about sharing my plans and putting them into action, as well!
Namaste'
That blog is going to be my more philosophical/meditational/motivational/yogic-al one, and Living Dharma will be more personal and about day to day things. (Hopefully this means I'll update more...?) (This also means you can expect, at some point, an explanation for all of this blog changing and the recap of the weekend, too.)
I'm starting it off with some of my older posts that I had put on here until I have time to actually write the newest blog, which is in development as we speak.
I'm really excited about sharing my plans and putting them into action, as well!
Namaste'
17 February 2009
stretch and strengthen
A lot of things about me have changed since I began doing yoga at EYC about 6 months ago. Physically and mentally, I am a stronger person than I have ever been. I am more forgiving to myself, am quicker to recognize hurtful thought patterns and have a progressively easier time reminding myself about that which is my Truth.
I have stretched and strengthened more than muscles, but also my mind. I am more open to new ideas than I have ever been. It's been years since I said with any morsel of true faith that I believe in a higher power and now I say it proudly and, what's more, I feel it with all of my being. I have developed more than just physical flexibility. Now I find it easier to adapt to changing situations, to get in where I fit in, to deal with situations as they occur rather than ignoring them and fighting with the emotions they bring up.
But perhaps one of the most remarkable changes in myself that I noticed was the stretching and strengthening of my compassion towards others. I was known in the past as a very sarcastic person. I've got it in me to be condescending and stuck up. I spent a lot of time with a "holier-than-thou" mentality. But two things happened to begin changing this in me. (It's still in the process too-- don't be mistaken and think that I'm saying I'm Mother Theresa over here. In fact, the reason I'm writing about this now is because of recent struggles with compassion.) The first was my yoga practice. The second is thanks to the novels by the YA author and beloved Nerdfighter, John Green, who themes his works around the idea of imagining other people as complex beings and not just props and scenery outside of ourselves. As I got deeper into it and began to understand more about the energies flowing throughout the earth and the power of love and gratitude and kindness, I softened. During our asana practice, it's important to be soft in all of our poses. Even if it's a powerful pose and takes concentration and strength and we feel ourselves tighten on that edge, we must find the softness. And so did my heart find that softness. I found myself considering the feelings of others more. I became more aware of how what I said or did may have the power to either help or harm someone and I gradually, and unconsciously, began straying from the behaviors that may hurt others.
For instance, without meaning to, I began cursing less. Me. Who loved to throw out the F-bombs and other powerful, almost pornographic words with astonishing frequency. Also without knowingly doing so, I gradually left my sarcastic nature behind me. It didn't give me anything to feel good about to be insulting or belittling to others. Then I started noticing a pang of guilt when I said something judgemental about someone. This has become something that I am making a conscious effort to control. (Also, let me say that it's not that I've become uptight. There's good-natured ribbing and joking with friends and then there's the behaviors that I was engaging in. They're totally different and it's the latter that I am trying to more fully release.)
The more I've come to understand ideas of interconnectedness and unity of life, I've realized that these negative behaviors hurt me too. When we consider that we are one, everything is part of the same whole, and I am hurtful to another, then I am hurtful to myself. I am more fulfilled when I honor others and respect them.
Lately I have felt that I haven't been so true to these ideals as I should like to be. I've consciously engaged in negative behaviors and sent forth negative thoughts to others simply because that is what the company by which I was surrounded was doing. I took their cue. My mind and my mouth were saying two different things. My mouth uttered negativities and my mind watched in silent disgust. And I felt badly because I knew that the things I said were not me. I am not that person any longer.
Thus, I've got a new yoga practice to work on right now. I am going to continue to stretch and strengthen my compassion towards others and remain true to myself, for mine is a quest for truth, peace and honor.
I have stretched and strengthened more than muscles, but also my mind. I am more open to new ideas than I have ever been. It's been years since I said with any morsel of true faith that I believe in a higher power and now I say it proudly and, what's more, I feel it with all of my being. I have developed more than just physical flexibility. Now I find it easier to adapt to changing situations, to get in where I fit in, to deal with situations as they occur rather than ignoring them and fighting with the emotions they bring up.
But perhaps one of the most remarkable changes in myself that I noticed was the stretching and strengthening of my compassion towards others. I was known in the past as a very sarcastic person. I've got it in me to be condescending and stuck up. I spent a lot of time with a "holier-than-thou" mentality. But two things happened to begin changing this in me. (It's still in the process too-- don't be mistaken and think that I'm saying I'm Mother Theresa over here. In fact, the reason I'm writing about this now is because of recent struggles with compassion.) The first was my yoga practice. The second is thanks to the novels by the YA author and beloved Nerdfighter, John Green, who themes his works around the idea of imagining other people as complex beings and not just props and scenery outside of ourselves. As I got deeper into it and began to understand more about the energies flowing throughout the earth and the power of love and gratitude and kindness, I softened. During our asana practice, it's important to be soft in all of our poses. Even if it's a powerful pose and takes concentration and strength and we feel ourselves tighten on that edge, we must find the softness. And so did my heart find that softness. I found myself considering the feelings of others more. I became more aware of how what I said or did may have the power to either help or harm someone and I gradually, and unconsciously, began straying from the behaviors that may hurt others.
For instance, without meaning to, I began cursing less. Me. Who loved to throw out the F-bombs and other powerful, almost pornographic words with astonishing frequency. Also without knowingly doing so, I gradually left my sarcastic nature behind me. It didn't give me anything to feel good about to be insulting or belittling to others. Then I started noticing a pang of guilt when I said something judgemental about someone. This has become something that I am making a conscious effort to control. (Also, let me say that it's not that I've become uptight. There's good-natured ribbing and joking with friends and then there's the behaviors that I was engaging in. They're totally different and it's the latter that I am trying to more fully release.)
The more I've come to understand ideas of interconnectedness and unity of life, I've realized that these negative behaviors hurt me too. When we consider that we are one, everything is part of the same whole, and I am hurtful to another, then I am hurtful to myself. I am more fulfilled when I honor others and respect them.
Lately I have felt that I haven't been so true to these ideals as I should like to be. I've consciously engaged in negative behaviors and sent forth negative thoughts to others simply because that is what the company by which I was surrounded was doing. I took their cue. My mind and my mouth were saying two different things. My mouth uttered negativities and my mind watched in silent disgust. And I felt badly because I knew that the things I said were not me. I am not that person any longer.
Thus, I've got a new yoga practice to work on right now. I am going to continue to stretch and strengthen my compassion towards others and remain true to myself, for mine is a quest for truth, peace and honor.
10 February 2009
the case for rain
“The gentle spring rain permeates the soil of my soul. A seed that has lain deeply in the earth for many years just smiles.” -Thich Nhat Hanh
Have you ever thought about how frightened we seem to be of the rain? It rains and we blame it for our bad mood. We run for cover, seemingly convinced we might melt if a rain drop should touch us. We hide from it, stay in doors and even in bed, as though low clouds and water have turned us into bed-ridden wretches.
This morning, after yoga, I said to our instructor Stacey that it was a shame it was raining because I had wanted to go for a walk. Stacey replied, "Oh don't let that stop you! It's just a little rain." I said, "You know, you're right! We didn't always have shelter from the rain, did we?" And I began wondering, why are we so scared of the rain? Of getting wet?
Last summer, when I was just beginning my yoga journey, I read a few of Thich Nhat Hanh's books in succession. He often talked about the rain and the clouds when he talked about oneness. He drove home the point that we are the same as the rain. The rain falls from the sky, feeds the soil, brings us the food that we eat, the air that we breath. And when we die and return to the earth, our bodies break down and we become the soil and part of us is water that goes back up in the sky and eventually rains back down on the earth. Obviously he is more eloquent than I, but it was by way of this explanation that I was able to find a lot of peace in the world. I became less afraid of our conventional ideas of death and more certain that death is a notion and doesn't really exist. We will never stop existing. We will never die. And how wonderful is that when our bodies are done here, we will return to the Earth and be a reason life continues?
For a while, whenever it rained was when I felt most full of life. A lot of times I would look at the rain and I would think of my ancestors, who are the rain, and I would smile at the rain and say hello to them again, or for the first time. It would be a peaceful and beautiful moment. I can even remember one day, filled with this knowledge and peace, I was reading Walt Whitman's Leaves of Grass and considering this cycle of life and I felt a raptuous joy that I have never before experienced in my life. I realized that "death" is beautiful. At that moment I actually thought I might look fondly upon the day that I returned to the Earth. I haven't felt that since then and it's an appreciation and feeling I hope to experience again some day.
I've digressed a little. So today I decided to go for a walk, rain or no rain. After all, I reminded myself, remember how much beauty I know is in the rain? When I began my walk it was drizzling very, very lightly. Then the rain stopped, but when I turned back onto the last street before mine, the rain started to come down harder and I slowed my pace. I'm sure people maybe thought I was crazy. I was in no hurry to get out of the weather, I was smiling and if it hadn't been for all the cars and the lack of a sidewalk, I would've had my eyes closed too. It felt so good to have the rain coming down and feeling like I had melted into the earth. Feeling it drop on my face and my clothes, each pellet filling me back up with life. I came as close to that moment reading Walt Whitman as I have ever been.
The French have a phrase, "La Joie de Vivre." It translates to "the joy of living" but it's common knowledge in French class that the phrase encompasses so much more than the English translation allows. These moments I've been fortunate enough to experience... that is la joie de vivre. And they have all been inspired by the rain. That which we shy from so severely.
Let it rain. Run, dance, walk, sing, sit in the rain. Embrace, hug, smile at, appreciate the rain. The rain is in us, the rain is life. Let us love the rain. Let us love life.
Have you ever thought about how frightened we seem to be of the rain? It rains and we blame it for our bad mood. We run for cover, seemingly convinced we might melt if a rain drop should touch us. We hide from it, stay in doors and even in bed, as though low clouds and water have turned us into bed-ridden wretches.
This morning, after yoga, I said to our instructor Stacey that it was a shame it was raining because I had wanted to go for a walk. Stacey replied, "Oh don't let that stop you! It's just a little rain." I said, "You know, you're right! We didn't always have shelter from the rain, did we?" And I began wondering, why are we so scared of the rain? Of getting wet?
Last summer, when I was just beginning my yoga journey, I read a few of Thich Nhat Hanh's books in succession. He often talked about the rain and the clouds when he talked about oneness. He drove home the point that we are the same as the rain. The rain falls from the sky, feeds the soil, brings us the food that we eat, the air that we breath. And when we die and return to the earth, our bodies break down and we become the soil and part of us is water that goes back up in the sky and eventually rains back down on the earth. Obviously he is more eloquent than I, but it was by way of this explanation that I was able to find a lot of peace in the world. I became less afraid of our conventional ideas of death and more certain that death is a notion and doesn't really exist. We will never stop existing. We will never die. And how wonderful is that when our bodies are done here, we will return to the Earth and be a reason life continues?
For a while, whenever it rained was when I felt most full of life. A lot of times I would look at the rain and I would think of my ancestors, who are the rain, and I would smile at the rain and say hello to them again, or for the first time. It would be a peaceful and beautiful moment. I can even remember one day, filled with this knowledge and peace, I was reading Walt Whitman's Leaves of Grass and considering this cycle of life and I felt a raptuous joy that I have never before experienced in my life. I realized that "death" is beautiful. At that moment I actually thought I might look fondly upon the day that I returned to the Earth. I haven't felt that since then and it's an appreciation and feeling I hope to experience again some day.
I've digressed a little. So today I decided to go for a walk, rain or no rain. After all, I reminded myself, remember how much beauty I know is in the rain? When I began my walk it was drizzling very, very lightly. Then the rain stopped, but when I turned back onto the last street before mine, the rain started to come down harder and I slowed my pace. I'm sure people maybe thought I was crazy. I was in no hurry to get out of the weather, I was smiling and if it hadn't been for all the cars and the lack of a sidewalk, I would've had my eyes closed too. It felt so good to have the rain coming down and feeling like I had melted into the earth. Feeling it drop on my face and my clothes, each pellet filling me back up with life. I came as close to that moment reading Walt Whitman as I have ever been.
The French have a phrase, "La Joie de Vivre." It translates to "the joy of living" but it's common knowledge in French class that the phrase encompasses so much more than the English translation allows. These moments I've been fortunate enough to experience... that is la joie de vivre. And they have all been inspired by the rain. That which we shy from so severely.
Let it rain. Run, dance, walk, sing, sit in the rain. Embrace, hug, smile at, appreciate the rain. The rain is in us, the rain is life. Let us love the rain. Let us love life.
02 February 2009
The Good
Well I'm back from my Refugee Adventures. For the past 5 days my roommate, Natasha, her son and I have been making the rounds in Evansville and Henderson, KY borrowing couches and heat and electricity from generous folks who were willing and able to share. Last night our electricity came back on and it was the greatest relief I've known in quite some time. Morale was taking a steep decline on Sunday so the restoration really couldn't have come at a better time.
It was easy to find something to complain about in all of this, but I think that we all did a bang up job and staying positive and avoiding the slippery slope that would have been moping. So as I'm thinking back on the past almost-week, I want to remember the good things that came out of it because, as it turns out, a lot of good really did come from this experience.
For instance, my roommate and I got to know each other real quick-like. If it hadn't been for this situation, it would've taken a lot longer for she and I to develop our relationship. This really got us over the "adjusting to each other" hump at an accelerated speed. Having said as much, I can't leave this subject without expressing my gratitude to her for taking me with her everywhere and making sure I had a place to be warm as well. If I hadn't been in this house with her, I would've surely been at a shelter or something and much less comfortable.
I'm also grateful because through this it turns out that my roommate and I get along quite well and so I feel like it was divine intervention that I found this house and this person. This whole situation is going to be so good for me, I'm convinced of it.
Next: I like a kid. Yes folks. I live with a boy who is about to be 4 years old and I quite enjoy his company. It's weird. And after these 5 days, I found myself going to work and going on and on about stuff he did or said or how well he was handling everything. I mean, it was close to gushing. I don't pretend to understand it, it's just happened.
Moving on: Through Natasha, I was able to meet such a magnificent group of people who are involved in wonderful things for this community and who I think will be so beneficial to my own personal development. I'd again like to reiterate my new-found belief in divine intervention. I don't see how it could have happened any other way. I really feel like I was led here and for a reason. These are exactly the types of people that I want to surround myself with and if it hadn't been for the storm I may have never found them.
Also, I was given the chance to volunteer for the Red Cross for part of 2 days and help them out at their disaster shelters. It was humbling and I think if it hadn't been for that, for the chance to be active and help others, I would have begun complaining a lot sooner than I did. I felt so lucky to have a warm bed or couch every night throughout this ordeal. I was well fed and able to shower. And I think, most importantly, I wasn't alone. If I was still in my apartment and this had happened, I might have gone to the Red Cross to ask for help instead of to offer it and I would've gone there alone. Instead I was lucky enough to be surrounded by great, great people and together we were able to try to make the lives of those in the shelter a little bit more comfortable.
All in all, this situation gave me the opportunity to recognize the things in my life I should be grateful for. And it really has made me question the validity of divine intervention in my life. For me, it seems like all of this was handed to me on a silver platter, if you will. I was here in my new residence being pretty isolationist and not really making many moves to connect with my roommate. All the while she was there, with all of those people I got to meet, and I had no idea what I was missing out on. It just feels to me like this was a less-than-subtle nudge in the right direction. It's a nudge I certainly do not plan on ignoring. I feel more attached to Evansville than I have before right now. I feel like I could be a part of very, very good things here. Things I wanted to be a part of that I thought I'd have to leave in order to do. I feel like the horizons have opened up before me with more opportunity once more and it's a very, very good feeling.
It was easy to find something to complain about in all of this, but I think that we all did a bang up job and staying positive and avoiding the slippery slope that would have been moping. So as I'm thinking back on the past almost-week, I want to remember the good things that came out of it because, as it turns out, a lot of good really did come from this experience.
For instance, my roommate and I got to know each other real quick-like. If it hadn't been for this situation, it would've taken a lot longer for she and I to develop our relationship. This really got us over the "adjusting to each other" hump at an accelerated speed. Having said as much, I can't leave this subject without expressing my gratitude to her for taking me with her everywhere and making sure I had a place to be warm as well. If I hadn't been in this house with her, I would've surely been at a shelter or something and much less comfortable.
I'm also grateful because through this it turns out that my roommate and I get along quite well and so I feel like it was divine intervention that I found this house and this person. This whole situation is going to be so good for me, I'm convinced of it.
Next: I like a kid. Yes folks. I live with a boy who is about to be 4 years old and I quite enjoy his company. It's weird. And after these 5 days, I found myself going to work and going on and on about stuff he did or said or how well he was handling everything. I mean, it was close to gushing. I don't pretend to understand it, it's just happened.
Moving on: Through Natasha, I was able to meet such a magnificent group of people who are involved in wonderful things for this community and who I think will be so beneficial to my own personal development. I'd again like to reiterate my new-found belief in divine intervention. I don't see how it could have happened any other way. I really feel like I was led here and for a reason. These are exactly the types of people that I want to surround myself with and if it hadn't been for the storm I may have never found them.
Also, I was given the chance to volunteer for the Red Cross for part of 2 days and help them out at their disaster shelters. It was humbling and I think if it hadn't been for that, for the chance to be active and help others, I would have begun complaining a lot sooner than I did. I felt so lucky to have a warm bed or couch every night throughout this ordeal. I was well fed and able to shower. And I think, most importantly, I wasn't alone. If I was still in my apartment and this had happened, I might have gone to the Red Cross to ask for help instead of to offer it and I would've gone there alone. Instead I was lucky enough to be surrounded by great, great people and together we were able to try to make the lives of those in the shelter a little bit more comfortable.
All in all, this situation gave me the opportunity to recognize the things in my life I should be grateful for. And it really has made me question the validity of divine intervention in my life. For me, it seems like all of this was handed to me on a silver platter, if you will. I was here in my new residence being pretty isolationist and not really making many moves to connect with my roommate. All the while she was there, with all of those people I got to meet, and I had no idea what I was missing out on. It just feels to me like this was a less-than-subtle nudge in the right direction. It's a nudge I certainly do not plan on ignoring. I feel more attached to Evansville than I have before right now. I feel like I could be a part of very, very good things here. Things I wanted to be a part of that I thought I'd have to leave in order to do. I feel like the horizons have opened up before me with more opportunity once more and it's a very, very good feeling.
15 January 2009
jenny googles
Q: Type in "[your name] needs" in the Google search.
A: "jenny needs to find herself a baller." (amen, brother.) "jenny needs to respect her elders." (i actually fancy myself quite respectful.)
Q: Type in "[your name] looks like" in Google search.
A: "jenny looks like some random slore porn star." "jenny looks like a beach bunny." "jenny looks like she's gonna stab you with a fondue stick." (suffice it to say, "jenny looks like" is not my favorite category.)
Q: Type in "[your name] says" in Google search.
A: "jenny says turn off the radio/ jenny says turn off the light/ jenny says turn off the video/ you beat yourself up to bring yourself down" (apparently there's a song by a band called cowboy mouth called "jenny says.")
Q: Type in "[your name] wants" in Google search.
A: "jenny wants to announce pregnancy on her block?' (...ummmmmmm)
Q:Type in "[your name] does" in Google search.
A: "jenny does not have the classic epicanthal folds that down's babies have." (phew!)
Q: Type in "[your name] hates" in Google search.
A: "jenny hates cheaterzzzzz" (almost as much as she hates pluralizing with Zs.) "jenny hates ronnie." (not fair, i don't even KNOW ronnie.)
Q: Type in "[your name] asks" in Google search.
A: "jenny asks tom, as a stranger, to pose nude for her art project." (oh, my.) "jenny asks if 'jesus will take care of rosie.'"
Q: Type in "[your name] likes " in Google search.
A: "jenny likes to rape cats." (literally, this is the first one to come up. and it's blaspheme!!!) "jenny likes to punch people." (literally, the second one to come up.) "jenny likes flowers." (and the only true one of the bunch.)
Q: Type in "[your name] eats " in Google search.
A: "jenny eats some chinese food." "jenny eats people." "jenny eats anthony's face." (this survey is not doing good things for me."
Q: Type in "[your name] wears " in Google search.
A: "jenny wears a schoolgirl outfit." (i had to, once, when i worked at the fox and hound.)
Q: Type in "[your name] was arrested for" in Google Search.
A: "jenny was arrested for killing her sister, speeding, drinking while driving, possession of drug paraphernalia" (sweet. mother. of. jesus.)
Q: Type in "[your name] loves" in Google Search.
A. "jenny loves yoga" (ha! that really came up!) "jenny loves the fair trade role." (also true!) "jenny loves jazz." (heck yeah! this one redeemed all the others questions' answers.)
A: "jenny needs to find herself a baller." (amen, brother.) "jenny needs to respect her elders." (i actually fancy myself quite respectful.)
Q: Type in "[your name] looks like" in Google search.
A: "jenny looks like some random slore porn star." "jenny looks like a beach bunny." "jenny looks like she's gonna stab you with a fondue stick." (suffice it to say, "jenny looks like" is not my favorite category.)
Q: Type in "[your name] says" in Google search.
A: "jenny says turn off the radio/ jenny says turn off the light/ jenny says turn off the video/ you beat yourself up to bring yourself down" (apparently there's a song by a band called cowboy mouth called "jenny says.")
Q: Type in "[your name] wants" in Google search.
A: "jenny wants to announce pregnancy on her block?' (...ummmmmmm)
Q:Type in "[your name] does" in Google search.
A: "jenny does not have the classic epicanthal folds that down's babies have." (phew!)
Q: Type in "[your name] hates" in Google search.
A: "jenny hates cheaterzzzzz" (almost as much as she hates pluralizing with Zs.) "jenny hates ronnie." (not fair, i don't even KNOW ronnie.)
Q: Type in "[your name] asks" in Google search.
A: "jenny asks tom, as a stranger, to pose nude for her art project." (oh, my.) "jenny asks if 'jesus will take care of rosie.'"
Q: Type in "[your name] likes " in Google search.
A: "jenny likes to rape cats." (literally, this is the first one to come up. and it's blaspheme!!!) "jenny likes to punch people." (literally, the second one to come up.) "jenny likes flowers." (and the only true one of the bunch.)
Q: Type in "[your name] eats " in Google search.
A: "jenny eats some chinese food." "jenny eats people." "jenny eats anthony's face." (this survey is not doing good things for me."
Q: Type in "[your name] wears " in Google search.
A: "jenny wears a schoolgirl outfit." (i had to, once, when i worked at the fox and hound.)
Q: Type in "[your name] was arrested for" in Google Search.
A: "jenny was arrested for killing her sister, speeding, drinking while driving, possession of drug paraphernalia" (sweet. mother. of. jesus.)
Q: Type in "[your name] loves" in Google Search.
A. "jenny loves yoga" (ha! that really came up!) "jenny loves the fair trade role." (also true!) "jenny loves jazz." (heck yeah! this one redeemed all the others questions' answers.)
09 January 2009
One of the Ways Starbucks Saved Me
It's no secret that the idea of time is only really as old as trains. We didn't need any o'clock until then, at least. In the short period of time since trains were invented and now, haven't we all become slaves to time?
One of the things that I think really brought me down when I worked at the bank was how much influence time had over me. I had to be at work at 7 am, I'd leave at 3:30, I was forced to sit at my desk until I was told I could go on a break. I did that 5 days in a row and then I got a weekend off. There's a song that Holly and I used to hate in college by Phantom Planet called "Turn Smile Shift Repeat." I can't speak for her, but for me it was the monotony represented in this song that drove me crazy. When I worked at the bank, my life was this song.
When I started to work at Starbucks this changed. It was a bit of a difficult adjustment at first and I struggled to adapt to it. Everything, every day was different. Days that used to mean so much to me now meant nothing. Okay, not nothing in a negative way... but I guess I mean to say that suddenly there was no such thing as time to me. I realized recently that Starbucks allowed me to abandon the notion of time.
I recently realized (I'm ashamed to admit this is because of a commercial for IHOP that I even came to this realization) that time no longer exists for me and that it has afforded me a great deal of freedom. I don't live my "week" waiting for the "weekend". Nothing starts or stops. Everything just continues. I haven't felt that "weekend" feeling in months and it's spectacular. As lovely as the weekend-freedom felt, it always ended and that was depressing to me. Now I place no bit of time on a pedastal. Time just... well... isn't. Weekends don't exist, weekdays don't exist. Time doesn't pass because it's not real.
The idea of releasing our attachments to notions has always been one that I thought was going to be slightly out of my reach. A lofty goal to keep and I certainly didn't know how to do it. How do you let go of these notions that are so ingrained in your being? I think it was almost by force that Starbucks made me do it, because I don't remember ever doing anything myself. Regardless of how it happened, it did happen and I feel one thing for certain: a little bit of freedom. Like I'm moving with the natural rhythm of life instead of a man-made idea of what life is like.
Like I'm literally going with the flow
One of the things that I think really brought me down when I worked at the bank was how much influence time had over me. I had to be at work at 7 am, I'd leave at 3:30, I was forced to sit at my desk until I was told I could go on a break. I did that 5 days in a row and then I got a weekend off. There's a song that Holly and I used to hate in college by Phantom Planet called "Turn Smile Shift Repeat." I can't speak for her, but for me it was the monotony represented in this song that drove me crazy. When I worked at the bank, my life was this song.
When I started to work at Starbucks this changed. It was a bit of a difficult adjustment at first and I struggled to adapt to it. Everything, every day was different. Days that used to mean so much to me now meant nothing. Okay, not nothing in a negative way... but I guess I mean to say that suddenly there was no such thing as time to me. I realized recently that Starbucks allowed me to abandon the notion of time.
I recently realized (I'm ashamed to admit this is because of a commercial for IHOP that I even came to this realization) that time no longer exists for me and that it has afforded me a great deal of freedom. I don't live my "week" waiting for the "weekend". Nothing starts or stops. Everything just continues. I haven't felt that "weekend" feeling in months and it's spectacular. As lovely as the weekend-freedom felt, it always ended and that was depressing to me. Now I place no bit of time on a pedastal. Time just... well... isn't. Weekends don't exist, weekdays don't exist. Time doesn't pass because it's not real.
The idea of releasing our attachments to notions has always been one that I thought was going to be slightly out of my reach. A lofty goal to keep and I certainly didn't know how to do it. How do you let go of these notions that are so ingrained in your being? I think it was almost by force that Starbucks made me do it, because I don't remember ever doing anything myself. Regardless of how it happened, it did happen and I feel one thing for certain: a little bit of freedom. Like I'm moving with the natural rhythm of life instead of a man-made idea of what life is like.
Like I'm literally going with the flow
Progress Report
Aaaaah progress. I'm almost half way done knitting the body of my yoga mat bag. I thought it would take longer than it's taking. I also thought it would be a lot harder than it is. It's turning out quite nicely!
In other news about progress, the move is officially on. I went by the house today and got my key and also dropped off some boxes. Tomorrow an old coworker is coming to buy my couch off of me, next week my parents will be here to pick up some of the bigger stuff to store for me and finally and pal from yoga is going to be moving my bed and some other stuff over for me. It's all coming together.
I'll be glad when the move is done. I'm kinda tired of thinking about it all the time and also ready to just be settled somewhere again.
05 January 2009
everyone loves a quickie
Today I knit a cozy for my camera. It was quick and fun. What was not fun was hand sewing on velcro. I shall not do that again so long as I remember the annoyance it caused me.
I guess now I should really start to pack. Blah.
04 January 2009
Productive Things I Did on My Anniversary
It's my one year anniversary in Evansville. Neat, huh? Man, what a difference a year makes.
I did some productive stuff today in celebration. (Okay you caught me... I only remembered about an hour ago, but I was still productive!)
I cleaned the kitty litter box. I took the trash out. I bought body wash. I showered. I went to two fantastic yoga classes. I had my chakras read. I drank a Berry Chai Infusion from Starbucks. (You tea lovers out there really must hit up the Sbux for our new drinks...) Oh, and I finished my first ever knitting project.
<--- That's her right there! I made a scarf!
I have to say... I'm pretty proud of myself. For the day and for the scarf and for the year. Today-me and a-year-ago-today-me, while technically the same person, are pretty different. Gone is the lost college-girl, now is the young woman learning about life and happiness and responsibility. A young woman with a path before her that she chose. And did I mention the rockin' scarf I just finished?!
Happy anniversary to me!
02 January 2009
The Flip Side of the Coin
You know... chakra work and meditation sure are two bittersweet things in life. The whole idea of opening up and releasing attachments can be so good for you. But I discovered today that sometimes you can open up and you can let go and once you've done that, you really see what's left. Sometimes in your practice you finally let go, more than you ever have before and you see what all those attachments were attempting to hide, what feelings they were trying to protect you from. And sometimes it catches you off guard. Sometimes meditation doesn't make you feel like you're sleeping on a bed of roses.
I don't mean to be melodramatic or sing the blues. I'm really just in shock, the same way I always am when chakra work/meditation makes me feel euphoric. Between circumstances surrounding the last week and the meditation-yoga combo I worked through at home today, I'm seeing a clearer picture of the methods I've invented to protect myself from vulnerability and rejection-- methods that are generally fall in the "isolationist" category. It's hard to be hurt by others when you remove yourself from their presence. It's equally hard to feel the essential human connection using that same tactic. It's that pattern, again, of me turning inside so much and so often that I stop reaching out. The only thing that's changed is that it's just getting easier for me to see it.
I have a hard time blogging when I'm in this kind of a mood because I don't like to let other people see that I'm vulnerable, that I make mistakes. It's hard to admit that I get scared. It's hard to admit to myself that I get scared of yoga because of how much more clearly I can see me, and see the things I've tried for so long to ignore. It's hard to admit that I am not enough, that I need others and that I need proximity to others. But here I am, admitting it even though I don't want to and posting this blog even though I don't want to.
This is not a blog of hopelessness, though, hear you me. This is a blog of confronting the skeletons in my closet. I see them, I recognize them.
Now it's time to start clearing them out.
I don't mean to be melodramatic or sing the blues. I'm really just in shock, the same way I always am when chakra work/meditation makes me feel euphoric. Between circumstances surrounding the last week and the meditation-yoga combo I worked through at home today, I'm seeing a clearer picture of the methods I've invented to protect myself from vulnerability and rejection-- methods that are generally fall in the "isolationist" category. It's hard to be hurt by others when you remove yourself from their presence. It's equally hard to feel the essential human connection using that same tactic. It's that pattern, again, of me turning inside so much and so often that I stop reaching out. The only thing that's changed is that it's just getting easier for me to see it.
I have a hard time blogging when I'm in this kind of a mood because I don't like to let other people see that I'm vulnerable, that I make mistakes. It's hard to admit that I get scared. It's hard to admit to myself that I get scared of yoga because of how much more clearly I can see me, and see the things I've tried for so long to ignore. It's hard to admit that I am not enough, that I need others and that I need proximity to others. But here I am, admitting it even though I don't want to and posting this blog even though I don't want to.
This is not a blog of hopelessness, though, hear you me. This is a blog of confronting the skeletons in my closet. I see them, I recognize them.
Now it's time to start clearing them out.
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