jenny googles

Q: Type in "[your name] needs" in the Google search.
A: "jenny needs to find herself a baller." (amen, brother.) "jenny needs to respect her elders." (i actually fancy myself quite respectful.)


Q: Type in "[your name] looks like" in Google search.
A: "jenny looks like some random slore porn star." "jenny looks like a beach bunny." "jenny looks like she's gonna stab you with a fondue stick." (suffice it to say, "jenny looks like" is not my favorite category.)


Q: Type in "[your name] says" in Google search.
A: "jenny says turn off the radio/ jenny says turn off the light/ jenny says turn off the video/ you beat yourself up to bring yourself down" (apparently there's a song by a band called cowboy mouth called "jenny says.")


Q: Type in "[your name] wants" in Google search.
A: "jenny wants to announce pregnancy on her block?' (...ummmmmmm)


Q:Type in "[your name] does" in Google search.
A: "jenny does not have the classic epicanthal folds that down's babies have." (phew!)


Q: Type in "[your name] hates" in Google search.
A: "jenny hates cheaterzzzzz" (almost as much as she hates pluralizing with Zs.) "jenny hates ronnie." (not fair, i don't even KNOW ronnie.)


Q: Type in "[your name] asks" in Google search.
A: "jenny asks tom, as a stranger, to pose nude for her art project." (oh, my.) "jenny asks if 'jesus will take care of rosie.'"


Q: Type in "[your name] likes " in Google search.
A: "jenny likes to rape cats." (literally, this is the first one to come up. and it's blaspheme!!!) "jenny likes to punch people." (literally, the second one to come up.) "jenny likes flowers." (and the only true one of the bunch.)


Q: Type in "[your name] eats " in Google search.
A: "jenny eats some chinese food." "jenny eats people." "jenny eats anthony's face." (this survey is not doing good things for me."


Q: Type in "[your name] wears " in Google search.
A: "jenny wears a schoolgirl outfit." (i had to, once, when i worked at the fox and hound.)


Q: Type in "[your name] was arrested for" in Google Search.
A: "jenny was arrested for killing her sister, speeding, drinking while driving, possession of drug paraphernalia" (sweet. mother. of. jesus.)


Q: Type in "[your name] loves" in Google Search.
A. "jenny loves yoga" (ha! that really came up!) "jenny loves the fair trade role." (also true!) "jenny loves jazz." (heck yeah! this one redeemed all the others questions' answers.)

One of the Ways Starbucks Saved Me

It's no secret that the idea of time is only really as old as trains. We didn't need any o'clock until then, at least. In the short period of time since trains were invented and now, haven't we all become slaves to time?

One of the things that I think really brought me down when I worked at the bank was how much influence time had over me. I had to be at work at 7 am, I'd leave at 3:30, I was forced to sit at my desk until I was told I could go on a break. I did that 5 days in a row and then I got a weekend off. There's a song that Holly and I used to hate in college by Phantom Planet called "Turn Smile Shift Repeat." I can't speak for her, but for me it was the monotony represented in this song that drove me crazy. When I worked at the bank, my life was this song.

When I started to work at Starbucks this changed. It was a bit of a difficult adjustment at first and I struggled to adapt to it. Everything, every day was different. Days that used to mean so much to me now meant nothing. Okay, not nothing in a negative way... but I guess I mean to say that suddenly there was no such thing as time to me. I realized recently that Starbucks allowed me to abandon the notion of time.

I recently realized (I'm ashamed to admit this is because of a commercial for IHOP that I even came to this realization) that time no longer exists for me and that it has afforded me a great deal of freedom. I don't live my "week" waiting for the "weekend". Nothing starts or stops. Everything just continues. I haven't felt that "weekend" feeling in months and it's spectacular. As lovely as the weekend-freedom felt, it always ended and that was depressing to me. Now I place no bit of time on a pedastal. Time just... well... isn't. Weekends don't exist, weekdays don't exist. Time doesn't pass because it's not real.

The idea of releasing our attachments to notions has always been one that I thought was going to be slightly out of my reach. A lofty goal to keep and I certainly didn't know how to do it. How do you let go of these notions that are so ingrained in your being? I think it was almost by force that Starbucks made me do it, because I don't remember ever doing anything myself. Regardless of how it happened, it did happen and I feel one thing for certain: a little bit of freedom. Like I'm moving with the natural rhythm of life instead of a man-made idea of what life is like.

Like I'm literally going with the flow

Progress Report

Aaaaah progress. I'm almost half way done knitting the body of my yoga mat bag. I thought it would take longer than it's taking. I also thought it would be a lot harder than it is. It's turning out quite nicely!

In other news about progress, the move is officially on. I went by the house today and got my key and also dropped off some boxes. Tomorrow an old coworker is coming to buy my couch off of me, next week my parents will be here to pick up some of the bigger stuff to store for me and finally and pal from yoga is going to be moving my bed and some other stuff over for me. It's all coming together.

I'll be glad when the move is done. I'm kinda tired of thinking about it all the time and also ready to just be settled somewhere again.

everyone loves a quickie

Today I knit a cozy for my camera. It was quick and fun. What was not fun was hand sewing on velcro. I shall not do that again so long as I remember the annoyance it caused me.

I guess now I should really start to pack. Blah.

Productive Things I Did on My Anniversary

It's my one year anniversary in Evansville. Neat, huh? Man, what a difference a year makes.

I did some productive stuff today in celebration. (Okay you caught me... I only remembered about an hour ago, but I was still productive!)

I cleaned the kitty litter box. I took the trash out. I bought body wash. I showered. I went to two fantastic yoga classes. I had my chakras read. I drank a Berry Chai Infusion from Starbucks. (You tea lovers out there really must hit up the Sbux for our new drinks...) Oh, and I finished my first ever knitting project.

<--- That's her right there! I made a scarf!

I have to say... I'm pretty proud of myself. For the day and for the scarf and for the year. Today-me and a-year-ago-today-me, while technically the same person, are pretty different. Gone is the lost college-girl, now is the young woman learning about life and happiness and responsibility. A young woman with a path before her that she chose. And did I mention the rockin' scarf I just finished?!

Happy anniversary to me!

The Flip Side of the Coin

You know... chakra work and meditation sure are two bittersweet things in life. The whole idea of opening up and releasing attachments can be so good for you. But I discovered today that sometimes you can open up and you can let go and once you've done that, you really see what's left. Sometimes in your practice you finally let go, more than you ever have before and you see what all those attachments were attempting to hide, what feelings they were trying to protect you from. And sometimes it catches you off guard. Sometimes meditation doesn't make you feel like you're sleeping on a bed of roses.

I don't mean to be melodramatic or sing the blues. I'm really just in shock, the same way I always am when chakra work/meditation makes me feel euphoric. Between circumstances surrounding the last week and the meditation-yoga combo I worked through at home today, I'm seeing a clearer picture of the methods I've invented to protect myself from vulnerability and rejection-- methods that are generally fall in the "isolationist" category. It's hard to be hurt by others when you remove yourself from their presence. It's equally hard to feel the essential human connection using that same tactic. It's that pattern, again, of me turning inside so much and so often that I stop reaching out. The only thing that's changed is that it's just getting easier for me to see it.

I have a hard time blogging when I'm in this kind of a mood because I don't like to let other people see that I'm vulnerable, that I make mistakes. It's hard to admit that I get scared. It's hard to admit to myself that I get scared of yoga because of how much more clearly I can see me, and see the things I've tried for so long to ignore. It's hard to admit that I am not enough, that I need others and that I need proximity to others. But here I am, admitting it even though I don't want to and posting this blog even though I don't want to.

This is not a blog of hopelessness, though, hear you me. This is a blog of confronting the skeletons in my closet. I see them, I recognize them.

Now it's time to start clearing them out.