The Good

Well I'm back from my Refugee Adventures. For the past 5 days my roommate, Natasha, her son and I have been making the rounds in Evansville and Henderson, KY borrowing couches and heat and electricity from generous folks who were willing and able to share. Last night our electricity came back on and it was the greatest relief I've known in quite some time. Morale was taking a steep decline on Sunday so the restoration really couldn't have come at a better time.

It was easy to find something to complain about in all of this, but I think that we all did a bang up job and staying positive and avoiding the slippery slope that would have been moping. So as I'm thinking back on the past almost-week, I want to remember the good things that came out of it because, as it turns out, a lot of good really did come from this experience.

For instance, my roommate and I got to know each other real quick-like. If it hadn't been for this situation, it would've taken a lot longer for she and I to develop our relationship. This really got us over the "adjusting to each other" hump at an accelerated speed. Having said as much, I can't leave this subject without expressing my gratitude to her for taking me with her everywhere and making sure I had a place to be warm as well. If I hadn't been in this house with her, I would've surely been at a shelter or something and much less comfortable.

I'm also grateful because through this it turns out that my roommate and I get along quite well and so I feel like it was divine intervention that I found this house and this person. This whole situation is going to be so good for me, I'm convinced of it.

Next: I like a kid. Yes folks. I live with a boy who is about to be 4 years old and I quite enjoy his company. It's weird. And after these 5 days, I found myself going to work and going on and on about stuff he did or said or how well he was handling everything. I mean, it was close to gushing. I don't pretend to understand it, it's just happened.

Moving on: Through Natasha, I was able to meet such a magnificent group of people who are involved in wonderful things for this community and who I think will be so beneficial to my own personal development. I'd again like to reiterate my new-found belief in divine intervention. I don't see how it could have happened any other way. I really feel like I was led here and for a reason. These are exactly the types of people that I want to surround myself with and if it hadn't been for the storm I may have never found them.

Also, I was given the chance to volunteer for the Red Cross for part of 2 days and help them out at their disaster shelters. It was humbling and I think if it hadn't been for that, for the chance to be active and help others, I would have begun complaining a lot sooner than I did. I felt so lucky to have a warm bed or couch every night throughout this ordeal. I was well fed and able to shower. And I think, most importantly, I wasn't alone. If I was still in my apartment and this had happened, I might have gone to the Red Cross to ask for help instead of to offer it and I would've gone there alone. Instead I was lucky enough to be surrounded by great, great people and together we were able to try to make the lives of those in the shelter a little bit more comfortable.

All in all, this situation gave me the opportunity to recognize the things in my life I should be grateful for. And it really has made me question the validity of divine intervention in my life. For me, it seems like all of this was handed to me on a silver platter, if you will. I was here in my new residence being pretty isolationist and not really making many moves to connect with my roommate. All the while she was there, with all of those people I got to meet, and I had no idea what I was missing out on. It just feels to me like this was a less-than-subtle nudge in the right direction. It's a nudge I certainly do not plan on ignoring. I feel more attached to Evansville than I have before right now. I feel like I could be a part of very, very good things here. Things I wanted to be a part of that I thought I'd have to leave in order to do. I feel like the horizons have opened up before me with more opportunity once more and it's a very, very good feeling.

Campaign of Gratitude: Day 5

Today I'm grateful for the following (presented in list form because I'm too tired and pressed for time to provide fluff this morning):

1. Finding the local radio station that plays Christmas music 24x7 this month.
2. Trader Joe's array of frozen burritos.
3. Not having had to be a shopper on Black Friday.
4. Surviving working Black Friday at Hallmark.
5. A free pound of coffee a week.
6. Revisiting the teeny-bopper that still resides deep in my heart and swooning with Laura at the movie theater, watching Twilight.
   
7. That I made all my Thanksgiving travels in safety, which is a lot more than many other people in the country can say.
8. The sweet relief that Child's Pose, Hero's Pose and Legs-up-the-Wall provide after a long day on my feet and legs.

Happy Holidays, friends. Be kind to those who work retail, be patient in line, don't get caught up in materialism. Remember that the whole point of this is to GIVE. And not to just give THINGS but to give your thoughts, your love and spread joy.

Campaign of Gratitude: Day 4 aka Gratitude Vomit

Today, I'm thankful for... well... today.

I'm thankful for a really fantastic morning yoga class that I really feel brought me in to spiritual alignment with this Thanksgiving day. I'm thankful for the energy of love and compassion and gratitude that resides in my Sangha and thus, resides in me.

I'm thankful that my kitten has little ways of showing me she loves me and that she misses me when I'm not home.

I'm thankful for a my 30% employee discount at Starbucks. I'm VERY thankful for Starbucks Lemon Loaf. I'm EXTREMELY thankful for triple shot lattes.

I'm thankful I made it to St. Louis safely. I'm thankful gas is even cheaper here than in Evansville. (Although I'll save my concerns about what deflation does for those of us paying back any sort of loan for a day that I'm not supposed to be giving thanks...) I'm thankful for getting to do 2 loads of FREE (to me) laundry.

I'm thankful for a kitchen full to the brim of delicious food today, when, for so many others in the world, today is just another day they are hungry. (Wow... all of a sudden I don't feel right about my impending over indulgence...)

I'm thankful to have gotten to spend a portion of this day with my Sangha, for getting to next spend a portion of this day with my family and more still, for getting to spend a portion of this day with my best friend.

I'm thankful to have so very many things to be thankful for when the day is barely half over.

I'm not just living dharma today, I'm living luck.

Campaign of Gratitude: Day 3

Sweet, sweet patience.

I attempted to write this blog three separate times today but every time, I was at a loss for what to be thankful for today. Sure, I found things to be thankful for, but nothing for which I was so thankful that I wanted to dedicate an entire day's blog to it and it alone. So I said to myself each time, "Well, the day's not over. I'll wait and I'm sure by the day's end, something will come forward." Et voila.

Today,then, I'm thankful for two things. 1) Patience, and 2) I am thankful for T-Mobile. They are always so splendidly helpful on a regular basis and that's something I really, truly appreciate. (Especially as someone who used to be a Sprint-subscriber. I experienced truly awful service during those dark days.) Suffice it to say that I'm very enthusiastic about my cell phone service provider. And suffice it to say that my heart just swelled to three times its normal size.

T-Mobile is running a promotion through part of December that offers it's subscribers free companion flights for renewing their service for two years. How amazing is that?! They just made my dream of taking a cross-country vacation to Seattle next year come true.

Spectacular! Thanks, T-Mobile!

Campaign of Gratitude: Day 2

Today I’m grateful for Young Adult Literature.

It occurs to me, looking at my bookshelf now, that YA lit has brought me countless hours of entertainment. How many times have I escaped to the world of Harry Potter, in book or movie form? How often did I scan the pages of Mugglenet.com, dissecting every word J.K. Rowling ever wrote? How many tears has John Green stolen from me? How many laughs from Maureen Johnson? And now, Stephanie Meyer, whose Twilight series has been my recent literary obsession (and probably soon-to-be cinematic obsession as well). How many times has her narrative made my heart skip a beat, taken my breath away, broken my heart, literally had me sobbing from behind the pages and then euphorically happy?

I’ll argue as long as the day that YA lit is not just kids’ stuff. I’m almost 25 years old, and these are some of the best books I’ve ever read. The aforementioned authors are the only ones to ever have elicited such physical emotional reactions from me, and I think that’s really saying something on the subject of their caliber. Not to mention the symbolism that runs rampant through so many of these books, most notably J.K. Rowling’s, John Green’s and Yann Martel’s works. I also think that YA books are so spectacularly filled with messages of hope. With the world as it is today, it’s highly commendable, in my opinion, that something geared toward the youth can carry such an optimistic outlook.

So I’m thankful for the talents of these authors and for this genre of literature. I’m thankful for being introduced to this niche that is so adept at allowing me to escape the real world for a little bit of each day, that’s given me characters for whom I care so much, afforded me some really fantastic conversations with my friends and continued to add fuel to the fire that is my love of reading.

Campaign of Gratitude: Day 1

This week I’m on a campaign of gratitude. It’s Thanksgiving week, and so I figure there’s no time like the present to do it. My goal is going to be to update at least 5 times this week and talk about something for which I am grateful. Shouldn’t be too hard.

Originally I started by making a list of what I wanted to talk about each day but a couple things happened that caused me to alter my subject for this first day. 1) I pulled out an old notebook this weekend to bring to yoga teacher training and, 2) a disturbing article I found online.

The notebook I happened to pull out was the one I used when I was in therapy with Jane my last semester at Murray. There were a couple journal entries in there. The most notable was the first entry, dated July 18th 2007. It was shocking reading the things I wrote:

“…How I feel is confused, chaotic, without control. I feel pressure from myself to get past this, pressure from others to do what they think is best and fear of letting everyone down.”

“I freak out when there are unknowns.”

“I’ve receded into a totally isolated place in my mind and I’ve kept myself from being really honest with even my closest friends and family.”

“Mood swings: I got the nickname of ‘Bipolar Jenny’ last year.”

“Now I am trying to face my demons and I intend to work past them. Now I feel vulnerable and chaotic all over again but the only way I know how to deal is unhealthy so I feel more out of control because I have no coping methods to turn to. I hate being vulnerable. I do not tolerate weakness on my part. I need to be a stonewall and a pillar of strength. I don’t want to be taken advantage of.”

I finished reading that first entry and it was weird how I could only remotely remember those feelings. It seemed to me I was reading about a third party. I was a little taken aback and simultaneously grieving for this girl. How could any single person have all of that going on in their head at one time? Such an unfair burden to carry. No one should live that way.

Then I moved to the next entry and was baffled once more.

July 19th 2007:

“You know, sometimes, I may freak out, but when the day is over there is one thing I know about myself and that is that I am strong and I will achieve the things I want. And I’m positive—I know I will get over this hurdle. Life can be a struggle but all it takes is knowing you can make it… with a little bit of work. And I am ready to work.”

Just one day later, there it was: hope and resolve. What a gift. How lucky am I that it was with me, literally, from the beginning. On July 18th I had hit the lowest point in my entire life to date. But on July 19th, I was already asserting my determination. I’m filled with so much pride for that girl. I’m actually at a loss for words. That girl was me. ME. I know when I wrote that second journal entry that I had no idea how impressive it was. I had no idea the implications. I wonder now if, as I was writing them then, I believed them. I mean, it’s clear I did on some level because I’m here now and I’m infinity times healthier and happier. One thing I know is that for as much as I yearned to recover, I certainly hadn’t really considered what life would be like once I had done so. I had no idea it could be so good and so free.

So this becomes the first subject of my gratitude this week. I know this seems like an egotistical way to start the week, but I maintain that until we find the light within, we cannot shine it out. But today, I am grateful for my strength, my resolve, my optimism. I had so much help along the way in my recovery but I also must recognize that without my own determination, I’d never be in the place where I am now. So I’m going to honor myself, give thanks to myself. I’ve done myself a huge deal of benefit in the past year and a half.

The other thing that brought this idea for day one’s gratitude is that I saw this article online: http://www.newsweek.com/id/170528.

It tears my heart out to think that anyone else is living the way that I do. It seems like it was one thing for me to have struggled but the idea of other people struggling is almost intolerable. No one should go through life that way. It’s just not fair. Something has to be done; these girls need to be reached out to. And I want to be one of those doing it. I don’t know how I’m going to do it yet and I don’t know what the community in Evansville is like, but I’ve got to do something. I have been given a great gift and it is only fitting that now, I should pass it on to someone who needs it, too.

On Flying Alone: Airplanes and Love Notes to My Multitudes

I love flying on planes and I love to do it by myself. There’s something that is always moving to me about being one of many ones. I mean to point out that so many people on planes are traveling alone.

I love to look at them all and wonder who they are and where they’re going and why they’re going there and if they’ll ever come back. I wonder if they’re going home or if they’re leaving and if they’re sad or they’re excited. I wonder if they’re going somewhere they’ve never been before and if they’re scared at all. I wonder if they’re starting over from the beginning or picking up where they left off. Will someone they love be waiting for them with a rapturous smile or will they be walking into a complete unknown when they deboard the plane?

I marvel at this sort of public anonymity. This no-questions-asked rhythm of coming and going. Leaving in a way that is so obvious, going so far away that you have to take to the air to do it. Yet giving no reason for your departure. Everyone is just going or coming and letting it be just that. It’s fascinating.

It occurs to me that I love to leave. I always like to imagine myself as one of the people who are leaving, no matter what kind of trip I’m on. Whether it’s a departure or an arrival. To me it’s the bravest travel there is. I’ve always been captivated by the idea of leaving all things familiar behind and going where I have never existed to anyone before. The slate is wiped clean and I can be a new person. I can invent a new me. Sometimes I like to retain a bit of the Old Jenny, the bits I really liked and the ones that are Me inside and out. But I like the idea of getting the chance to be something I’ve always wanted to be and not having to explain why I’m this way now. In a new place no one knows, I proclaim myself to be how I want to be. Sometimes I discover that how I thought I wanted to be isn’t really what I wanted to be and I return to the parts of Me that remain.

But even still, leaving is scary. It is a difficult process. I don’t meant to make it sound like it’s all fun and games. As a matter of fact, I don’t see it as a game, but as an undeniable duty to myself. There is certainly a struggle (metaphorically) to be met once I get where I’m going (geographically). But in the end, the geography is not what is important. It’s not the destination, but the journey. I find more of Me, a part of Me that I didn’t know was actually Me. This is the reward for this kind of lifestyle. Finding new parts of Me, my confidence grows and I feel more complete. I can state surely that This is Me.

Walt Whitman wrote, “I contain multitudes.” This is the basis for how I feel it necessary to live my life. So my mission is this: discover my multitudes, or as many as I can while the opportunity is mine.

Some notes, though: This is selfish. The way I think is beyond selfish, even. This isn’t something that has escaped me, unnoticed. Sometimes it hurts people, sometimes I ignore that I am not the only one who contains multitudes. I am transient and I don’t think of what my talk of leaving means to others. I don’t have a solution yet for selfishness, so I just want to acknowledge that I know it’s there. If you’re reading this and I’ve ever hurt you, I’m sorry. But there are those of you that take me as I am (I have 2 people in mind and I trust you know who you are). There is beauty and comfort in your roles in my life because I know that no matter where I go, I have never left you, and will never leave you. And no matter where you two go, you have never left me, and will never leave me. I said this recently in a spiel to one of you, but now let me say it to you both: You are Me. This is something I’ve discovered along my journey. You are each one of my multitudes.


Epilogue:
I have to say… when I started writing this post, I had no idea it was going to end up going where it went. But I’m glad it did. I think for the people who don’t understand the way that I think, it’s important to illustrate that leaving isn’t an attempt to erase the past or to push people away. In leaving, I think we afford ourselves the opportunity to find the truth, love and strength of our relationships, such that no matter where we go, we find we are never alone.

shine it inward

I don't want to dote on about the same thing two posts in a row, but I really just am impressed with the past 4 days.

I'm full of gratitude for the time I got to spend with Laura this weekend, for starters. It was great to have her here, in the city I've called home for the past 10 months. We did things, exploited the area more than I would've ever done if she hadn't visited. Consequently, I developed a new appreciation for the state and city in which I live.

To top it all off, there was a splendid Monday. The work day wasn't overwhelming so I could ease my way back in after a long weekend of fun. And, if it couldn't get any better, I had a private yoga class with Chris tonight. Not on purpose, I just so happened to be the only one who could make it to the 4:30 today. So it was whatever I wanted to do, tips specific for me and my abilities and the chance to practice more advanced poses that you don't normally get to practice in regular classes. I did a handstand and a headstand. I didn't know if I could do it, but I did. Talk about a boost of confidence.

So what I'm saying by way of this recap, is yet again the Universe is taking care of me. It causes me to wonder what I've done to deserve this. But then... when I think on it. I wonder if it's a question of "deserving." Like I said last time, this is here for us to touch 24/7, we just have to be mindful of it. So maybe it's not that I had to "earn"it, it's that I had to get in touch with it. With the Universe. The Universe in me. Maybe, once you put your energy inward, positively, you see that the Universe is always offering you what you need. You just have to listen and accept it and be grateful. You have to realize it's in the "small" things just as much as the "big" things. You just have to realize. To be. Maybe it's not about being fearful of a god, repenting or walking a straight line. It's not about deserving or earning it.

When I consider that we inter-are, then I question that idea of sacrificing and asking for happiness and good fortune. If we inter-are, then it's all inside of us already. We just have to be there for the happiness. We don't have to earn it. It seems to me that the Universe (in us) wouldn't actually force us to earn happiness if it is us as well. That would mean it's forcing itself to earn happiness equally as much as it forces us, and well... why would anyone want to be put to the test for happiness? Don't we all just want it? Yeah.

And it turns out we all have it. There needn't be a fight for it. There needs to be a light on it. Turn the light inward and we'll each find all it is that we need.

~~~~~~

Joy requires one to be awake,
Adjusting the heart's ambience to bright.
Some prefer the dark, as is their right,
On grounds of agony, and to forsake
Not only bliss, but all that's blessed by light.
-Nicholas Gordon

We all walk in the dark and each of us must learn to turn on his or her own light.
-Earl Nightingale

I used to love the darkness
But the sun is my new best friend
As soon as I embraced him
He put my misery to an end.
- Abbe Yeux-verdi

From within or from behind, a light shines through us upon things, and makes us aware that we are nothing, but the light is all.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

lotus in full bloom

If there's been anything about my life that has been a struggle this week, it was with some health issues. I've made it no secret that I previously struggled with an eating disorder. I'm extremely proud to say that it has been more than one month since I've even had a thought about restricting or anything related to anorexia. A new outlook of mindfulness and working on the habit of happiness have done wonders for me. Unfortunately, there are still daily reminders of my past that take the form of health ailments. My negative mind created negative effects in my body, in my physiology. Last week I was upset with myself. The realization that the reasons for my discomforts were self-inflicted was very saddening for me. I couldn't believe that I had done this to myself, that I had so disrespected myself. In the past month I've experienced for the first time ever, the beauty, strength and power that is my body, yet here was this reminder of how I had been damaging that.

Tuesday I went to the doctor. My attempts to remedy these problems on my own were not sufficient. This is just the beginning but I can feel myself, my organs getting stronger again. Some medicine plus some ayurvedic natural remedies combined to give my body what it needs to function. Today, I was blown away by the realization of my own resiliency. My spirit has bounced back and now, my body will too. For that, I am ever grateful.

I'm grateful for a strong mind, that decided enough was enough and back in July 2007 determined it was time for a change. I'm grateful for the continued strength to walk down a rocky path, constantly reminding myself of what was waiting for me at the end. I'm grateful for the support that my friends and family offered me all this time, despite being themselves confused by my behavior and unsure of how they could help me. I'm grateful they didn't leave me alone. I'm grateful for this body, that I battled against for so long but that didn't leave me either. I'm grateful for this whole fight, this whole struggle; it has delivered me to a great place in life. I'm grateful for ever-growing mindfulness, patience, flexibility, compassion.

I'm grateful to you, to me, to the earth, to energy, to resiliency, to my breath, to impermanence, to continuation, to inter-being, to the present, to the past.

This is the habit of happiness.

Namaste,
j.e.n.

an ode to you

The sister.
The childhood best friend.
The newest addition.
The unexpected hero.

These people, in the last two weeks, have made me incredibly grateful, whether they know it or not. Everything from listening and accepting without judgment, to being there at the right time, to reminding me while everything changes and will continue to change, the bond never will. None of them are here geographically but the distance lately has melted away. Sitting here thinking about it, I'm finally realizing how lucky I am.

I hope I've given you all even a morsel of what you've given me recently. Thank you.