lotus in full bloom

If there's been anything about my life that has been a struggle this week, it was with some health issues. I've made it no secret that I previously struggled with an eating disorder. I'm extremely proud to say that it has been more than one month since I've even had a thought about restricting or anything related to anorexia. A new outlook of mindfulness and working on the habit of happiness have done wonders for me. Unfortunately, there are still daily reminders of my past that take the form of health ailments. My negative mind created negative effects in my body, in my physiology. Last week I was upset with myself. The realization that the reasons for my discomforts were self-inflicted was very saddening for me. I couldn't believe that I had done this to myself, that I had so disrespected myself. In the past month I've experienced for the first time ever, the beauty, strength and power that is my body, yet here was this reminder of how I had been damaging that.

Tuesday I went to the doctor. My attempts to remedy these problems on my own were not sufficient. This is just the beginning but I can feel myself, my organs getting stronger again. Some medicine plus some ayurvedic natural remedies combined to give my body what it needs to function. Today, I was blown away by the realization of my own resiliency. My spirit has bounced back and now, my body will too. For that, I am ever grateful.

I'm grateful for a strong mind, that decided enough was enough and back in July 2007 determined it was time for a change. I'm grateful for the continued strength to walk down a rocky path, constantly reminding myself of what was waiting for me at the end. I'm grateful for the support that my friends and family offered me all this time, despite being themselves confused by my behavior and unsure of how they could help me. I'm grateful they didn't leave me alone. I'm grateful for this body, that I battled against for so long but that didn't leave me either. I'm grateful for this whole fight, this whole struggle; it has delivered me to a great place in life. I'm grateful for ever-growing mindfulness, patience, flexibility, compassion.

I'm grateful to you, to me, to the earth, to energy, to resiliency, to my breath, to impermanence, to continuation, to inter-being, to the present, to the past.

This is the habit of happiness.

Namaste,
j.e.n.