In Loving Memory

True to our form, doing what we do best, Erin and I got tattoos last night in memory of our cousin, Johnny. It seemed like a very fitting way for both of us to commemorate his life. We each got a violet flower, his birth flower, on our foot.

Johnny was laid to rest yesterday, May 7th, 2009. The service was beautiful and it is a blessing to have been here with my family.

Thank you to everyone who has carried us in his or her thoughts. Your love can be felt from miles away.

Johnny was our Peter Pan when we played together as children, and now, as an adult, Peter Pan he shall remain: forever young and gone back to Neverland. The rest of us will play the part of Wendy. We'll continue to grow older every passing day, and wait for spring cleaning, when Peter will come back to take us with him.

Rest in peace, John Losse, Jr.

Time to Travel

I wish I could blog something these days.

I want to express myself. I want to be inspired to write something. I'm not so busy I don't have time to blog. I'm blocked. I can feel something inside of me that wants to come out, but it hasn't made itself clear to me.

This scenario is playing out in other aspects of my life. I've been partaking in some energy work recently, to unblock channels in my body, especially in my hips and lower abdomen, where I tend to hold my tension. And don't we all know about hips right? Since my last session with my energy worker, I have been pretty emotional, to either end of the spectrum and back. Crying in the middle of yoga class, or needlessly outraged because I've been minorly inconvenienced. My patience has absolutely gone out the window. And Universe, please forgive me for these days I've spent backtracking through my work on compassion. Honestly, I feel a bit like I need an exorcism. This energy is waking up inside me and I'm adjusting to it slowly. I see this opportunity as one to discover new things about myself, my body, and as an opportunity to cleanse and find genuine purity in my life.

Part of me is frightened of what I'm going to meet the more I focus on it. Things I thought I'd laid to rest? Things I hoped to never come up against again? Things that may completely blindside me?

So it's safe to say there's some fear, or maybe apprehension is a better word for it. But here's what I know: tonight, I was engaged in a rather dull, yet somewhat cathartic activity at work. Despite it being a task I considered pretty mind numbing, I found myself intensely present in despite of that. Of course, it's only in these moments of Quiet, wherever we happen to find them, that we are able to Hear. And that's when I heard. I am on the brink of something here. Something major. There is a transformation going on in and around me. I don't know what it consists of and I don't know where it's leading me. But what I heard was that it is big and it is good. Far outweighing my apprehensions is this overwhelming sense of peace, sense of calm. That wonderful feeling of knowing I'll be taken care of by the Universe. It's what I can only describe as true Faith.

What I'm conscious of is that the road may be rocky, but I'm headed in the right direction. I was never one to take the easy path, anyway.

So just in case you wonder where I've gone, I'm on a journey at present, and I'll be sending postcards along the way...

twitter can't support this kind of update

I've got a little down time tonight so I thought I'd take the opportunity to fill my pals in on the latest Jenny-related news.

This past weekend was the retreat in New Harmony, "Stressed Out to Blessed Out," hosted by one of my most respected yoga instructors, Stacey Shanks, and the wonderful and amazing (did I mention Martha Beck certified life coach) Susan Hyatt. I spent the weekend with these 2 women as well as 10 others and we talked about making our lives everything they deserved to be, replacing our negative thoughts with positive ones; we did yoga; we made art with the help of the fantastic Laura Mitchell and we got massages from the magnificent Joy Timmons. It was a truly inspiring and empowering weekend and it was exactly what I needed.

I was given the opportunity to sit down and really think about how to take on my goals for my life and make them less dream, more reality. I'm very happy with the outcome and I'd like to share it with you all.

Obviously, my main goal is to be able to support myself solely by teaching yoga. What I hadn't thought about was taking my yoga outside of the studio. Absolutely, studio teaching is something I want to do, I love a good, physical class and I love the community we have at EYC, but with the help of Susan, I was able to begin thinking outside of the box. She asked me, who would I most like to offer yoga to, if I could offer it to absolutely anyone. It was about then that I knew: I need to reach out to girls who have been affected by body image issues and eating disorders. Suddenly the reason for that period of my life became clear. (Incidentally, this became even more clear to me today when I went hiking with my friend Beth, who is also a yoga teacher, and we were talking about our similar experiences and I mentioned to her that I sometimes felt like a "fraud" with my ED because I didn't have it nearly as bad as other girls- and guys - do. Because I was able to catch myself before it had gone too far, because I had an easier recovery, I thought I was just lucky. The more I think about it though, the more I have come to realize that my struggle was just enough for me to be given the tools to go out into the world and help girls in the same position as I was.)

I have already taken some steps in the direction of making this happen and will continue to do so. I want to help people, through yoga, who need to reestablish their mind-body connection. I want to host classes and I want to host retreats. This is also the reason I established my new blog, Off the Beaten Mat (which, by the way, has it's first official, new post up at this time). I post a lot of my blogs on the Yoga Journal community page as well and have gotten some very affirming feedback from the people there. By way of my blog, I hope to be able to shed some light on the mental transformations that we experience when we practice yoga.

Those are my next moves "career"wise/ business wise. I am convinced I can turn these ideas into something great, something needed and useful in Evansville.

Also, March 7th is my first official day as a yoga instructor. Chris has given me the Saturday morning class on the East side of town. I'm also substitute teaching for her and Stacey several times in March and tomorrow I'm giving a private session to one of my Starbucks coworkers, trying to help her in her efforts to quit smoking, so I will be getting lots of teaching time in! There has also been mention of organizing and co-hosting a couple of workshops and/or retreats at the studio. All of this plus I'm still doing the Starbucks/Hallmark thing and trying to fit in time for a new hobby: hiking.

It's a busy life down here in Indiana, but I'll tell you what, it's exactly the life I've always wanted for myself.

the case for rain

“The gentle spring rain permeates the soil of my soul. A seed that has lain deeply in the earth for many years just smiles.” -Thich Nhat Hanh

Have you ever thought about how frightened we seem to be of the rain? It rains and we blame it for our bad mood. We run for cover, seemingly convinced we might melt if a rain drop should touch us. We hide from it, stay in doors and even in bed, as though low clouds and water have turned us into bed-ridden wretches.

This morning, after yoga, I said to our instructor Stacey that it was a shame it was raining because I had wanted to go for a walk. Stacey replied, "Oh don't let that stop you! It's just a little rain." I said, "You know, you're right! We didn't always have shelter from the rain, did we?" And I began wondering, why are we so scared of the rain? Of getting wet?

Last summer, when I was just beginning my yoga journey, I read a few of Thich Nhat Hanh's books in succession. He often talked about the rain and the clouds when he talked about oneness. He drove home the point that we are the same as the rain. The rain falls from the sky, feeds the soil, brings us the food that we eat, the air that we breath. And when we die and return to the earth, our bodies break down and we become the soil and part of us is water that goes back up in the sky and eventually rains back down on the earth. Obviously he is more eloquent than I, but it was by way of this explanation that I was able to find a lot of peace in the world. I became less afraid of our conventional ideas of death and more certain that death is a notion and doesn't really exist. We will never stop existing. We will never die. And how wonderful is that when our bodies are done here, we will return to the Earth and be a reason life continues?

For a while, whenever it rained was when I felt most full of life. A lot of times I would look at the rain and I would think of my ancestors, who are the rain, and I would smile at the rain and say hello to them again, or for the first time. It would be a peaceful and beautiful moment. I can even remember one day, filled with this knowledge and peace, I was reading Walt Whitman's Leaves of Grass and considering this cycle of life and I felt a raptuous joy that I have never before experienced in my life. I realized that "death" is beautiful. At that moment I actually thought I might look fondly upon the day that I returned to the Earth. I haven't felt that since then and it's an appreciation and feeling I hope to experience again some day.

I've digressed a little. So today I decided to go for a walk, rain or no rain. After all, I reminded myself, remember how much beauty I know is in the rain? When I began my walk it was drizzling very, very lightly. Then the rain stopped, but when I turned back onto the last street before mine, the rain started to come down harder and I slowed my pace. I'm sure people maybe thought I was crazy. I was in no hurry to get out of the weather, I was smiling and if it hadn't been for all the cars and the lack of a sidewalk, I would've had my eyes closed too. It felt so good to have the rain coming down and feeling like I had melted into the earth. Feeling it drop on my face and my clothes, each pellet filling me back up with life. I came as close to that moment reading Walt Whitman as I have ever been.

The French have a phrase, "La Joie de Vivre." It translates to "the joy of living" but it's common knowledge in French class that the phrase encompasses so much more than the English translation allows. These moments I've been fortunate enough to experience... that is la joie de vivre. And they have all been inspired by the rain. That which we shy from so severely.

Let it rain. Run, dance, walk, sing, sit in the rain. Embrace, hug, smile at, appreciate the rain. The rain is in us, the rain is life. Let us love the rain. Let us love life.

Productive Things I Did on My Anniversary

It's my one year anniversary in Evansville. Neat, huh? Man, what a difference a year makes.

I did some productive stuff today in celebration. (Okay you caught me... I only remembered about an hour ago, but I was still productive!)

I cleaned the kitty litter box. I took the trash out. I bought body wash. I showered. I went to two fantastic yoga classes. I had my chakras read. I drank a Berry Chai Infusion from Starbucks. (You tea lovers out there really must hit up the Sbux for our new drinks...) Oh, and I finished my first ever knitting project.

<--- That's her right there! I made a scarf!

I have to say... I'm pretty proud of myself. For the day and for the scarf and for the year. Today-me and a-year-ago-today-me, while technically the same person, are pretty different. Gone is the lost college-girl, now is the young woman learning about life and happiness and responsibility. A young woman with a path before her that she chose. And did I mention the rockin' scarf I just finished?!

Happy anniversary to me!

Campaign of Gratitude: Day 4 aka Gratitude Vomit

Today, I'm thankful for... well... today.

I'm thankful for a really fantastic morning yoga class that I really feel brought me in to spiritual alignment with this Thanksgiving day. I'm thankful for the energy of love and compassion and gratitude that resides in my Sangha and thus, resides in me.

I'm thankful that my kitten has little ways of showing me she loves me and that she misses me when I'm not home.

I'm thankful for a my 30% employee discount at Starbucks. I'm VERY thankful for Starbucks Lemon Loaf. I'm EXTREMELY thankful for triple shot lattes.

I'm thankful I made it to St. Louis safely. I'm thankful gas is even cheaper here than in Evansville. (Although I'll save my concerns about what deflation does for those of us paying back any sort of loan for a day that I'm not supposed to be giving thanks...) I'm thankful for getting to do 2 loads of FREE (to me) laundry.

I'm thankful for a kitchen full to the brim of delicious food today, when, for so many others in the world, today is just another day they are hungry. (Wow... all of a sudden I don't feel right about my impending over indulgence...)

I'm thankful to have gotten to spend a portion of this day with my Sangha, for getting to next spend a portion of this day with my family and more still, for getting to spend a portion of this day with my best friend.

I'm thankful to have so very many things to be thankful for when the day is barely half over.

I'm not just living dharma today, I'm living luck.

On Flying Alone: Airplanes and Love Notes to My Multitudes

I love flying on planes and I love to do it by myself. There’s something that is always moving to me about being one of many ones. I mean to point out that so many people on planes are traveling alone.

I love to look at them all and wonder who they are and where they’re going and why they’re going there and if they’ll ever come back. I wonder if they’re going home or if they’re leaving and if they’re sad or they’re excited. I wonder if they’re going somewhere they’ve never been before and if they’re scared at all. I wonder if they’re starting over from the beginning or picking up where they left off. Will someone they love be waiting for them with a rapturous smile or will they be walking into a complete unknown when they deboard the plane?

I marvel at this sort of public anonymity. This no-questions-asked rhythm of coming and going. Leaving in a way that is so obvious, going so far away that you have to take to the air to do it. Yet giving no reason for your departure. Everyone is just going or coming and letting it be just that. It’s fascinating.

It occurs to me that I love to leave. I always like to imagine myself as one of the people who are leaving, no matter what kind of trip I’m on. Whether it’s a departure or an arrival. To me it’s the bravest travel there is. I’ve always been captivated by the idea of leaving all things familiar behind and going where I have never existed to anyone before. The slate is wiped clean and I can be a new person. I can invent a new me. Sometimes I like to retain a bit of the Old Jenny, the bits I really liked and the ones that are Me inside and out. But I like the idea of getting the chance to be something I’ve always wanted to be and not having to explain why I’m this way now. In a new place no one knows, I proclaim myself to be how I want to be. Sometimes I discover that how I thought I wanted to be isn’t really what I wanted to be and I return to the parts of Me that remain.

But even still, leaving is scary. It is a difficult process. I don’t meant to make it sound like it’s all fun and games. As a matter of fact, I don’t see it as a game, but as an undeniable duty to myself. There is certainly a struggle (metaphorically) to be met once I get where I’m going (geographically). But in the end, the geography is not what is important. It’s not the destination, but the journey. I find more of Me, a part of Me that I didn’t know was actually Me. This is the reward for this kind of lifestyle. Finding new parts of Me, my confidence grows and I feel more complete. I can state surely that This is Me.

Walt Whitman wrote, “I contain multitudes.” This is the basis for how I feel it necessary to live my life. So my mission is this: discover my multitudes, or as many as I can while the opportunity is mine.

Some notes, though: This is selfish. The way I think is beyond selfish, even. This isn’t something that has escaped me, unnoticed. Sometimes it hurts people, sometimes I ignore that I am not the only one who contains multitudes. I am transient and I don’t think of what my talk of leaving means to others. I don’t have a solution yet for selfishness, so I just want to acknowledge that I know it’s there. If you’re reading this and I’ve ever hurt you, I’m sorry. But there are those of you that take me as I am (I have 2 people in mind and I trust you know who you are). There is beauty and comfort in your roles in my life because I know that no matter where I go, I have never left you, and will never leave you. And no matter where you two go, you have never left me, and will never leave me. I said this recently in a spiel to one of you, but now let me say it to you both: You are Me. This is something I’ve discovered along my journey. You are each one of my multitudes.


Epilogue:
I have to say… when I started writing this post, I had no idea it was going to end up going where it went. But I’m glad it did. I think for the people who don’t understand the way that I think, it’s important to illustrate that leaving isn’t an attempt to erase the past or to push people away. In leaving, I think we afford ourselves the opportunity to find the truth, love and strength of our relationships, such that no matter where we go, we find we are never alone.

On How Time Passes When You Blink

Well, this is interesting.

A week ago, I had a different life. Then, I went away for a little bit. When I came back, everything had changed. Or at least if feels that way. Before Connecticut, I worked full-time for a credit card company—a job that I hated. After Connecticut, I’m a barista, working for Starbucks in a job I hope I’ll love. The change is a little bit scary. I’ve got a laundry list of things to stress about (if I choose to take it that far, beyond “things to just be aware of”).

The weirdest part though is how it doesn’t feel like there was a buffer between changes. Before Connecticut is abruptly different from After Connecticut. One minute, life was one way: structured, planned out in 15-minute increments, busy, safe. Then I turned my head for a moment and when I turned back, it had quickly become something less structured, almost chaotic, a little less safe. These aren’t bad things; in fact… these are things I’d wanted. I’d said time and again that I wasn’t a Cubicle Girl, or a 9-to-5er.

Listen, I’m a little stressed, okay? I’m not going to lie. I feel as though I’m facing a big unknown right now. I know that all is going to be well. Things will work out. But anytime there is a big change in our lives, a decision that we made, it’s perfectly natural to have that nagging little voice who tries to perk up and asks us, “Yeah but what if this wasn’t the right decision?” Part of me wants to know just exactly how things are going to change, because they aren’t done changing yet.

This is the scariest part of a journey. Right when you start off. It’s exciting, yet unknown. What if you get lost along the way? What if you run out of gas? What if the destination doesn’t meet your expectations? What if airport security makes you leave something behind and the next thing you know you’re in some foreign place and you can’t wash your hair?

Time to breathe. Time to let go. Expectations will be the death of us. (Or maybe just me.)

I’m feeling the pressure, the force of the wind trying to knock me down. But I feel the pressure, the force, because I’m standing up to it. My favorite yoga pose is Tree Pose. It’s the only one I do this for, but I have a mantra that I speak to myself every time we do the pose in class. I won’t give it word for word because it’s “mine” and I want to be selfish with it. But the idea behind it is that I am an immovable structure, rooted to and one with the earth. There are days where a silent wind seems to blow by me and I teeter. But I remind myself of my strength and instead of falling, I reach up and out and down at once and I am a tree and I will not be moved.

So now in my life, with resolve I branch out and I reach for greater heights. I will sway and I will bend, but I will not break. All the time, I remain deeply rooted in the earth.

This is my foundation.

it begins at this moment

The saying goes that yoga begins at that moment when you want to come out of a pose. Your leg starts to shake a little, the heat your building up seems to increase exponentially. You aren't in pain, but you sure as heck have been more comfortable in life. You feel like you've been holding for ages and your brain gives a tiny squeak, you think, "Just let the instructor say 'release', already!" But instead the instructor says, "3 more breaths." You think, "Three more breaths?! Is this a joke?!"

Yoga starts.

You stop your brain from screaming and you focus. You turn inward and you breathe, and you survive. You move on to the next sequence.

I never realized until tonight, how much this would come in handy outside of the yoga studio. I'm not in pain, but I sure as heck would say I've been more comfortable in life. Admittedly, I needed my time earlier today to be upset, and I was. I felt a little overwhelmed. But underneath it all was this sense of calm. I know it'll all work out, this is a hiccup. This is my thighs burning in Warrior II. But it always starts with the little brain scream, "Is this a joke?!" and then, just like in class, you breathe. I'm breathing through it. I'm calmer because deep down I know. I know that I've done a lot to surprise myself, and there's no reason this shouldn't be another example.

And there's always this one thing to look forward to: before I even know it, the instructor (should I capitalize that word?) will say, "Release" and it'll be time for the next sequence.

The pleasures of heaven are with me, and the pains of hell are with me.
The first I graft and increase upon myself.... the latter I translate into a new tongue.
Walt Whitman

i take a hint

"Be prepared for a few scheduling hiccups, today. Suddenly, an unforeseen event could limit your free time and make you feel a little bit like you're under the gun. But have no fear! This rapid change of pace will not send you down a stressful path. Instead, it will be invigorating and bring out your competitive, aggressive nature. This will be a fun day, full of twists and turns that keep you on the edge of your seat -- and ready for the next curveball to come your way!"

At 7 am, I was at work, reading my horoscope on MSNBC, thinking "Yipes... I don't know how I feel about this one..."

At 1:30 pm I was thrilled to only have an hour left of work and looking forward to errands, the weekend and lots of yoga classes.

At 5:35 pm, I was standing at the corner of Barker and Mt. Vernon, looking sadly at the front bumper and headlights of my car lying in the middle of the street, cleanly detached from the body of my car. Another hour or so and I was watching my precious darling car being towed away. Fast forward another half hour and I'd gotten a ride home and was making reservations to pick up a rental car in the morning.

It wasn't until after dinner that I remembered my horoscope this morning. And then I reflected on how I'd been feeling quite scattered and distracted all afternoon. My brain was moving a million miles an hour and literally seconds before my accident tonight I explicitly recall saying to myself that I needed to get out of my head and focus on life as it was happening in front of me. I remember thinking these words exactly, "You just aren't paying attention to the world outside of you tonight." That was an understatement.

Then it occurred to me... in my last blog I was talking about how happiness is always there for us to touch 24/7, if we're just mindful and aware we'll see it. I think tonight was a gentle (?) suggestion from the Universe to broaden that idea. Not just happiness, but life itself. Thinking back on the day... I almost feel like I should've seen this coming. Starting with my horoscope, which I generally just read for fun and don't actually use as a guide. And then there was my own advice to myself to focus on what was happening in front of me and to stop living in the world going on in my head. I was very in tune with how distracted I was this afternoon. In fact, I was so in tune with my distraction that it was distracting... Clearly...

It was like the Universe was saying, "Yes, Jenny. Happiness is there to be touched 24/7, but that's only because Reality is there to be touched 24/7. Truth is there 24/7. Just listen to me and you'll be able to be there for all of it. Happiness, chance, even disappointment." I had forgotten that in order to recognize you are at the mountain's peak, you must also recognize that there is a valley far below. They are both there and they can not be without the existence of the other. And there was the Universe, all day long trying to tell me what I needed: to be aware, to be mindful of it. But I simply wasn't listening for that.

This has been a very interesting lesson I've learned tonight. I'm also proud of my reaction to it all. I've surprised myself by being so calm about everything. To speak truthfully, I think this is almost a good thing that has happened. Sometimes I recognize the extent to which I cling to a routine and I have been known to get very agitated when my routine is interupted. Yes, I realize this changes the plans I had for the weekend a bit. Yeah, it sucks I missed yoga tonight and I'll miss it in the morning. But I can accomplish nothing if I focus strictly on how I wanted things to go and how they didn't go accordingly.

Life happens and all that there is to control is how you react to it. You have plans and sometimes the plans have to change. You make the best out of what you're given.

And you learn to listen. To all of it.

his trikonasana is such a turn on

In life, there is such a thing as a "non-sexual crush," which is essentially an umbrella. Under this umbrella is the all-important "intellectual crush". And today I'd like to add a new category. I think I'll call it a "divine crush." What's this all about?

I have a divine crush on my Wednesday night flow yoga teacher. He's tall, lanky (very bendy, you can imagine), a hippie. He's cute enough, I suppose. You can tell he's full of tranquility and calmness. Very endearing. These are all good qualities, sure. But where it's really at is in the spirituality of it all. Not only do I leave feeling absolutely amazing, tall, and physically fit... but I leave feeling so mentally sound. Now I realize that I generally leave um... EVERY yoga class feeling this way but he's the only guy teacher so he's an easy target. Any guy that spends an hour and a half making me feel that way is definitely going to find himself as the apple of Jenny's eye, that's for sure. Mmmmyogateachergurummmmmm.

In other news. Plans are pretty much official now, so, some of you know and some of you are hearing it here first: I'm moving back to St. Louis in January 2009. A whole new chapter of my life is going to be opening up and I really couldn't be more excited about it. I'm not ready to reveal all the plans just yet, but I've figured out what it is I actually WANT to do for the rest of my life and St. Louis is where I'm going to start.
In the wake of this great place of stability in which I've found myself, I've also found that my attitude towards St. Louis has changed too. It doesn't represent the younger, more naive, more dependent Jenny anymore. Now, it's the new horizon. The Gateway to the Rest of My Life. It's going to be good. I have to thank Evansville for what it's done for me. I've changed for the better, and I wouldn't have gotten here if it hadn't been for this city. I've learned so much about myself. But in January, I have to go. Evansville, I discovered, was just here to serve a purpose in my life. It fulfilled it's duty and it's time to move on.

Again I remember the quote about preferring the journey to the destination, and I think that this just might be the most anticipated journey for me yet.

namaste,
j.e.n.

an ode to you

The sister.
The childhood best friend.
The newest addition.
The unexpected hero.

These people, in the last two weeks, have made me incredibly grateful, whether they know it or not. Everything from listening and accepting without judgment, to being there at the right time, to reminding me while everything changes and will continue to change, the bond never will. None of them are here geographically but the distance lately has melted away. Sitting here thinking about it, I'm finally realizing how lucky I am.

I hope I've given you all even a morsel of what you've given me recently. Thank you.

it's the thought

Well, it was a good and romantic thought I was having, when I thought I'd be better at keeping up with a blog the nth time around. It would have worked like in the past, perhaps, if all other variables were held constant. But that's not life, now is it?

So, in keeping with that, a lot's changed since March 1. First and foremost, there was the departure of Audra. She's gone to bigger and better things in Texas. I'm naturally very happy for her and naturally very selfishly sad she's gone.

Again I find myself pondering this phenomenon in my life that always has my best friends moving away. Holly. Erin. Laura. Audra. Le sigh. It's been so long since I've had a best friend conveniently close that I can hardly remember what it was like. But I guess that's just the times in which we live, eh? Everybody's global. Everybody's moving... And it was pointed out to me last night (this is such an easy point to overlook...) that I did some of that moving away myself.

Aaaah, touchée.

The other big news is the arrival of Lily, the kitty, into my life. She's been with me for almost two weeks now. She's a pretty great kitten; we have a swell time together.

Work's work. I've been relatively busy there lately, which I guess is a good thing. I learned the English part of the client that also speaks French. Now that I've had about a week to get used to their procedure, I think they're adding the French part in around Friday or Monday. That should be fun. I'm getting eager to start using the French. I think it'll make things more interesting.

Today and tomorrow are my days off this week and I've given myself a special project. It's called: make my apartment look less like a dorm room. Sounds fun, huh? I got me a little budget set aside for some bookcases, slip covers etc, etc and we're gonna nip this thing in the butt, once and for all. My other special project is to get a mini-garden started here soon. Or at least to get the things I need to grow something. I'm thinking cherry tomatoes. Or peppers.

Next exciting thing in life is that tomorrow my beloved Hodes will be in town along with Hilary Clinton. Whee! By great luck I'm off and I get to go with him to watch her speak. Chris even made us t-shirts! Mine says, "Hoosier President? Hilary 08". I'm so clever...

At any rate. Special project calls... Must be scootin'...

hip to be square

Things I have:

• a cubicle
• an telephone extension
• a work email
• a server's apron
• a server's book
  

Things I don't have:

• free time

This morning is the first time I've felt like I've had a moment to breath, yet even this is going to be short lived because I have obligations that will keep me busy for most, if not all, of the day. And there's no day off this week, either. I'm in the middle of a 12-day working marathon. Errands have to be done in the few precious hours between working and sleeping. Next priority in line is finding time to see friends. If there's a minute or two left after that, I'm trying to get some pilates in. Then comes blogging and facebook and the internet fun I used to put above everything else.

WHAT?! Yes folks, you heard it here first: I only check facebook about once a day.

I don't know yet whether or not I'm complaining about my new priority set. I don't think I am. It's not bad. It's just different. Life is just different these days. It's still weird that I'm not on a school schedule. It's still weird that I'm not going on spring break in a few weeks, or ever again , for that matter. And it's weird that I don't miss it. Whatever it is I got going on right now... I think I kinda dig it.

What's coming up for me is the 2 month mark in Evansville. 2 months?? Is that it? I haven't been here for a year? It sure feels that way, at least. Things change fast. The distance between me and college-me is growing greater every day. I guess it's kind of weird, but it gets trumped by the normalcy of it all, in the end.

On that note... The sun is out and the day promises to be beautiful. It's time to get off my butt.

A Sometimes Moment

Sometimes I just have one of those days where I am very impressed by life for something seemingly very trivial. Sometimes on those days I can pinpoint the triviality. Today was one of those days.

Today I realized how much I love to travel. As a matter of fact, I much prefer it to arriving.*




*I have totally stolen that quote from someone somewhere, but I don't recall where I got it from and unfortunately then, can't give credit where credit is due. Whoops.

all work and no play

Okay, you caught me. I've been seriously slacking. And by slacking I mean, I've been slacking when it comes to doing the things I normally do when I'm being a slacker.

It's Friday, which means if I'm gonna blog today then I gotta do it now. Fridays begin the second part of my work week, when I do my time at The Fox. And THAT means that once I leave the apartment at about 7:30 this morning, I won't be home again until tomorrow.

Here's the way I've been thinking about it: CMC satisfies the part of me that thrives off of routine. The Fox feeds the bit that needs things to change and be exciting. The Fox is also my weekly dose of a social life. During the week I'm asleep by 10. When all your friends work at or operate on a bar schedule, that makes getting together kind of difficult. When I'm at The Fox, I finally get to see everyone again and be the Jenny I'm used to being, as opposed to the new Jenny, who's more of an adult. (No negative connotations there, by the way. That's the interesting thing about it all: both Jenny's feel right to me.)

I just suddenly wondered how long it will be before this schedule burns me out. I recognize that the Fox is only a "social life" because I'm still actually working, as opposed to a social life. (Notice the difference between quotations and none...)

One day I'm gonna need a real night off, a cold beer and a DD.

if it can go wrong...

I want to tell you all a story. A story about my morning.

Disclaimer: I couldn't make this up if I wanted to...

My alarm goes off at 6 a.m. and I'm ready to go. I'm tired, but I'm ready for the day. I'm well aware that we've got some bad weather this morning so I'm prepared to leave the apartment an hour before I need to work in order to defrost and de-ice. By 7:00 I'm out the door and ready to tackle the 1/2 inch thick layer of ice coating my car. I turn the ol' girl on to get her warmed up, I set my purse down and my breakfast is waiting for me in the passenger seat. There's a piping hot cup of coffee to warm my insides sitting in the cup holder. I get out of the car, shut the door slightly and I see it.

My door has inadvertently been locked. You wouldn't think it's a big deal because I've got a spare set of keys. Only it IS a big deal because my spare keys are precisely where they shouldn't be: in my car as well.

"Nooooooooooooooooooooo!" Literally. I'm in the parking lot yelling at myself. I don't know what to do, so I go knock on my neighbor's door. I wake the poor girl up and beg for any help she can offer me. She doesn't have a phone book for me to call a locksmith, but she suggests I go try to find the maintenance guy. So I jaunt over to the office and I see that the steps are coated in ice too. Ice thicker than what's on my car. Carefully, I climb the steps. I make it up to the top safely, only to be crushed upon discovering the office doesn't open til 9. It's 7:15. I'm making my way down the icy steps and I stumble. I'm losing my balance, I'm sliding. I must have bypassed 4 whole steps, but I land on the ground, on my feet. Only there's no traction and I'm down. I bang me knee, and I land on my wrist. My wrist is fine (I didn't see the blood until later...) and I'm feeling okay about my knee (I didn't start limping til later). Mostly I'm just glad no one was around for that show.

So it's back to the neighbor's. She gives me a wire hanger to work with while she tries to find someone to help. It starts raining. 10 minutes later she makes it back with the maintenance guy and a phonebook. He starts working with the wire hanger and I'm off to call my work, and maybe a locksmith. I'm jogging toward my neighbor, who is standing there with her dog, Blue, on a leash. Well Blue apparently does not like people running at his momma because when I get close enough he runs up to me and bites my leg.

I shit you not people. I. SHIT. YOU. NOT.

My neighbor is super apologetic and luckily, Blue didn't break the skin or anything. It wasn't til I got to work that I noticed the huge welt and the mouth shaped bruise now gracing my right calf. A few minutes later, the maintenance guy successfully breaks into my car. I officially leave for work at 7:50 am. I'm only 20 minutes late.

Now let's make a list of what happened:
1. locked 2 sets of keys in the car
2. fall down set of icy steps
3. get bit by dog

ALL BEFORE 8:00 A.M. What the hell, man.

You know, I wanted to cry several times. I wanted to scream. I wanted to give up and run away. But I didn't. As a matter of fact, once I had myself in the car and headed to work, I think I laughed for half of my commute. I mean, honestly. The whole situation was absurdly hilarious. And I hope you're all laughing, too.

It's an occupational hazard of being independent, I guess. But I learned a good lesson. Yea, I got beat up this morning, but I survived. It all worked out. The world didn't end. And it wasn't long before I was laughing about it.

Sigh.

It's only Tuesday.

And in case you were wondering, I got to eat my breakfast, but my coffee had gotten kinda cold by the time I made it in to the car. Eh well. Oh, and despite all my bruises, I'm totally cool. Just kinda swollen and maybe a little bit sore.