Jane and I used to talk about what it was like internalizing all my feelings the way I have a tendency of doing. The way I was just carrying all of this garbage around with me as if it were hidden under my coat. It was weighing me down mentally, all the while I was convinced something was weighing me down physically. Instead of carrying my emotions with me, Jane encouraged me to share them with others and see how much that lightened my load. It's so cliché, but it's also so true. After my last post, my mood has been altered drastically.
I feel like I've regained some of my focus and my drive. Today, when I was with my friend Audra, I could feel myself concentrating more on building new bonds and opening myself up to her in ways Ed doesn't let me do. It's so hard to pay attention to the world around me when I'm letting Ed whisper in my ear 24 hours a day. Today was a good day because I realized that I have found someone in Evansville who I am really compatible with. I'm excited about this new friendship and getting to add someone else to my support system. It was so freeing to be fully committed to enjoying my time with Audra. I told Ed to shut up and let me be and he was silent today. On this day, I listened to Jenny, the REAL Jenny, and Audra, laughing about things that happened Tuesday and getting excited about the fun we'll be having tonight.
I also got to experience and share in the absolute JOY that my sister experienced on Wednesday when she married the love of her life! I am so happy that I got be 100% in that moment with her (mentally). I would've hated for Ed to steal that from me.
The other thing I did was to read in my book "Life After Ed." I turned to the section where the author is writing about relapsing. I realized that these bumps in the road aren't the be all and end all of my recovery. I haven't failed miserably. It doesn't have to be the way that it was and if I have a night where I binge, I have NO obligation to restrict the next day. Instead, I have to "do the next right thing," she says. I will NOT deny myself a meal. I will pick myself up, put myself back together and get going again on the healthy track.
The things restricting did to me physically are frightening. The things restricting did to me mentally are equally as worrisome. I don't want to be there again. I'm seeing once more how restricting is not the answer and feeling that welcome feeling of real happiness that comes from just letting go.
Before I sign off, I just want to send one more huge congratulations to my sister and my brother-in-law (even though I've considered LB my brother for years now!) on their marriage. I am SO happy for you two! I wish I could've been there but I'm sincerely looking forward to the time when we can all be together celebrating our family! I love you guys!
31 January 2008
29 January 2008
my story
I struggle with anorexia and I have been for nearly a year and a half now. I started getting help last semester and I made huge improvements. Now that I'm in Evansville and on my own, I don't really have the resources just yet to carry on with therapy. So I'm out here to trying to remember everything Jane helped me realize and trying to apply it to my every day life. It's all up to me now. Long story short: it hasn't been easy. Everyday is a battle and a process. I won't pretend either that I haven't had days of restriction. I'm not perfect and I've made mistakes along the way in my recovery. It almost seems natural that I would slip up a little. I'm no pro at this recovery deal. And that's okay.
Truth be told, I almost expected it to happen. I'm in a new place, starting from scratch, working a schedule that doesn't allow for too much consistency, worrying about new, adult things and trying to figure out the path certain elements of my life are taking. I'm out of my comfort zone and this translates to one thing: that same old feeling of not being in control.
This is the root of all my evils, I've discovered.
Part of what I did with my eating disorder (who will henceforth be called Ed) was restrict in order to control SOMETHING when I felt like everything else was out of my grasp. What happened was I lost even more control over my life because I was actually giving it all over to Ed. And let me tell you something about Ed. He's one smooth talker. He had (and lately he's been trying to make that present-tense) a way of convincing me the things I did were good for me. He would build me up one second and tear me down the next.
Last semester I learned, first, to stop listening to him and to decide for myself what was good and bad. Then, and possibly most importantly, I learned to disagree with him and to mean it. I realized Ed was a jerk and no good for me. I separated from Ed.
Now, I've made friends here in Evansville, but it's still too soon for any of these to stand up to the deeper relationships time and circumstances have had me move away from (geographically, I mean). Suffice it to say, I have moments of loneliness here. These are the moments that Ed stands up in his little corner of my mind that he still occupies and tries to remind me he's someone who's "there for me." And like I said earlier... there have been days lately that I've listened to him and come dangerously close to letting him back in my life.
The point of this blog, I realized last night, is going to be to work it out-- outside of my head and with the help of the people that love me most. Because the truth is, I haven't stopped needing you all and I haven't stopped struggling. And I don't want Ed to be my confidant anymore. I want you all because I don't want the false happiness that Ed offers me.
I want the real thing.
Truth be told, I almost expected it to happen. I'm in a new place, starting from scratch, working a schedule that doesn't allow for too much consistency, worrying about new, adult things and trying to figure out the path certain elements of my life are taking. I'm out of my comfort zone and this translates to one thing: that same old feeling of not being in control.
This is the root of all my evils, I've discovered.
Part of what I did with my eating disorder (who will henceforth be called Ed) was restrict in order to control SOMETHING when I felt like everything else was out of my grasp. What happened was I lost even more control over my life because I was actually giving it all over to Ed. And let me tell you something about Ed. He's one smooth talker. He had (and lately he's been trying to make that present-tense) a way of convincing me the things I did were good for me. He would build me up one second and tear me down the next.
Last semester I learned, first, to stop listening to him and to decide for myself what was good and bad. Then, and possibly most importantly, I learned to disagree with him and to mean it. I realized Ed was a jerk and no good for me. I separated from Ed.
Now, I've made friends here in Evansville, but it's still too soon for any of these to stand up to the deeper relationships time and circumstances have had me move away from (geographically, I mean). Suffice it to say, I have moments of loneliness here. These are the moments that Ed stands up in his little corner of my mind that he still occupies and tries to remind me he's someone who's "there for me." And like I said earlier... there have been days lately that I've listened to him and come dangerously close to letting him back in my life.
The point of this blog, I realized last night, is going to be to work it out-- outside of my head and with the help of the people that love me most. Because the truth is, I haven't stopped needing you all and I haven't stopped struggling. And I don't want Ed to be my confidant anymore. I want you all because I don't want the false happiness that Ed offers me.
I want the real thing.
a new start and a continuance
I don't want to say that I'm doing this because everyone else did it. I actually re-formatted this old girl, I believe, around the time my friends seemed to be doing the same (all from our respective geographic locations). I started to make a post and then I changed my mind. But I will, in fact, give credit where credit is due and say that seeing all of their blogs reappear gave me that last little push to actually try this one more time.
That being said... I don't know that I'm going to say anything just yet about starting this blog over again for a couple reasons: 1) I don't have a lot of interesting observations about life. It's requiring enough effort just to get through it unscathed. 2) There's a lot of things I keep private (almost to a fault). This makes it hard to find things to say in a public diary.
On the other hand, keeping things to myself hasn't exactly landed me in too many healthy positions. Maybe this could be a good outlet for me. Maybe that's a better way to look at it.
Here's the deal: it's 3:39 in the morning. I've been home from work for about 40 minutes now and I'm kind of getting tired. I don't really have the energy or desire to go deeper than this today.
That being said... I don't know that I'm going to say anything just yet about starting this blog over again for a couple reasons: 1) I don't have a lot of interesting observations about life. It's requiring enough effort just to get through it unscathed. 2) There's a lot of things I keep private (almost to a fault). This makes it hard to find things to say in a public diary.
On the other hand, keeping things to myself hasn't exactly landed me in too many healthy positions. Maybe this could be a good outlet for me. Maybe that's a better way to look at it.
Here's the deal: it's 3:39 in the morning. I've been home from work for about 40 minutes now and I'm kind of getting tired. I don't really have the energy or desire to go deeper than this today.
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