i just taught my third yoga class ever in life. it was a great morning class with 3 students, one of them totally new to the studio, but not new to yoga. my first two classes went perfectly fine. but there was something about this class today, that, as i was going through the asanas, i just felt this vibe. i remember thinking, "man, this is a good class." i thought it could've just been me, but i was feeling an energy. i felt like we were all getting a challenge, building heat, doing good things and doing them together.
then, at the end of class, as everyone was settling back into seated postures and i was preparing to read a thought for the day, i met eyes with one of the girls in the class. at that moment, the realization that it wasn't just me that had felt that vibe. afterwards, she came up to me and said, "that was just the best class!" and then proceeded to list all the things that she thought were interesting, different and that she had enjoyed.
i know this is partly ego driven, but my heart has swollen to ten times its original size. (think, "they like me, they really like me!") but another part of why this makes me so, so rapturous is the reason why i wanted to teach yoga in the first place. i have said before that if i could just make one person feel for a fraction of a second what i have felt from doing yoga, then i would have done the greatest good and completed my purpose. three classes in and it seems to have happened! i am so filled with love for yoga and for the students and for everything right now. this is why i'm sharing yoga. to know that i have the ability to open people up to that feeling, to be able to guide them to that feeling... it is miraculous.
i am so fulfilled. i certainly enjoyed the compliment but more than anything, i feel as though i've never given so much back to the world, the universe, life as i am giving right now and it. feels. good. giving joy, giving optimism, giving an open mind... when before i only thought i had the power, i know now i do have the power. just like knowing that there is peace inside of me, that there is strength, that there is radical self-acceptance, there is this ability too. all i have to do is call upon it, share it, send it outward.
it feels to me as though this is the culmination of all the inner work i have done (and continue to do). finally, i have done enough work that i may shine my light outward. i never would've imagined that shining it outward would feel so, so wonderful.
this is a good day.
Showing posts with label happiness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label happiness. Show all posts
11 March 2009
24 November 2008
Campaign of Gratitude: Day 1
This week I’m on a campaign of gratitude. It’s Thanksgiving week, and so I figure there’s no time like the present to do it. My goal is going to be to update at least 5 times this week and talk about something for which I am grateful. Shouldn’t be too hard.
Originally I started by making a list of what I wanted to talk about each day but a couple things happened that caused me to alter my subject for this first day. 1) I pulled out an old notebook this weekend to bring to yoga teacher training and, 2) a disturbing article I found online.
The notebook I happened to pull out was the one I used when I was in therapy with Jane my last semester at Murray. There were a couple journal entries in there. The most notable was the first entry, dated July 18th 2007. It was shocking reading the things I wrote:
“…How I feel is confused, chaotic, without control. I feel pressure from myself to get past this, pressure from others to do what they think is best and fear of letting everyone down.”
“I freak out when there are unknowns.”
“I’ve receded into a totally isolated place in my mind and I’ve kept myself from being really honest with even my closest friends and family.”
“Mood swings: I got the nickname of ‘Bipolar Jenny’ last year.”
“Now I am trying to face my demons and I intend to work past them. Now I feel vulnerable and chaotic all over again but the only way I know how to deal is unhealthy so I feel more out of control because I have no coping methods to turn to. I hate being vulnerable. I do not tolerate weakness on my part. I need to be a stonewall and a pillar of strength. I don’t want to be taken advantage of.”
I finished reading that first entry and it was weird how I could only remotely remember those feelings. It seemed to me I was reading about a third party. I was a little taken aback and simultaneously grieving for this girl. How could any single person have all of that going on in their head at one time? Such an unfair burden to carry. No one should live that way.
Then I moved to the next entry and was baffled once more.
July 19th 2007:
“You know, sometimes, I may freak out, but when the day is over there is one thing I know about myself and that is that I am strong and I will achieve the things I want. And I’m positive—I know I will get over this hurdle. Life can be a struggle but all it takes is knowing you can make it… with a little bit of work. And I am ready to work.”
Just one day later, there it was: hope and resolve. What a gift. How lucky am I that it was with me, literally, from the beginning. On July 18th I had hit the lowest point in my entire life to date. But on July 19th, I was already asserting my determination. I’m filled with so much pride for that girl. I’m actually at a loss for words. That girl was me. ME. I know when I wrote that second journal entry that I had no idea how impressive it was. I had no idea the implications. I wonder now if, as I was writing them then, I believed them. I mean, it’s clear I did on some level because I’m here now and I’m infinity times healthier and happier. One thing I know is that for as much as I yearned to recover, I certainly hadn’t really considered what life would be like once I had done so. I had no idea it could be so good and so free.
So this becomes the first subject of my gratitude this week. I know this seems like an egotistical way to start the week, but I maintain that until we find the light within, we cannot shine it out. But today, I am grateful for my strength, my resolve, my optimism. I had so much help along the way in my recovery but I also must recognize that without my own determination, I’d never be in the place where I am now. So I’m going to honor myself, give thanks to myself. I’ve done myself a huge deal of benefit in the past year and a half.
The other thing that brought this idea for day one’s gratitude is that I saw this article online: http://www.newsweek.com/id/170528.
It tears my heart out to think that anyone else is living the way that I do. It seems like it was one thing for me to have struggled but the idea of other people struggling is almost intolerable. No one should go through life that way. It’s just not fair. Something has to be done; these girls need to be reached out to. And I want to be one of those doing it. I don’t know how I’m going to do it yet and I don’t know what the community in Evansville is like, but I’ve got to do something. I have been given a great gift and it is only fitting that now, I should pass it on to someone who needs it, too.
Originally I started by making a list of what I wanted to talk about each day but a couple things happened that caused me to alter my subject for this first day. 1) I pulled out an old notebook this weekend to bring to yoga teacher training and, 2) a disturbing article I found online.
The notebook I happened to pull out was the one I used when I was in therapy with Jane my last semester at Murray. There were a couple journal entries in there. The most notable was the first entry, dated July 18th 2007. It was shocking reading the things I wrote:
“…How I feel is confused, chaotic, without control. I feel pressure from myself to get past this, pressure from others to do what they think is best and fear of letting everyone down.”
“I freak out when there are unknowns.”
“I’ve receded into a totally isolated place in my mind and I’ve kept myself from being really honest with even my closest friends and family.”
“Mood swings: I got the nickname of ‘Bipolar Jenny’ last year.”
“Now I am trying to face my demons and I intend to work past them. Now I feel vulnerable and chaotic all over again but the only way I know how to deal is unhealthy so I feel more out of control because I have no coping methods to turn to. I hate being vulnerable. I do not tolerate weakness on my part. I need to be a stonewall and a pillar of strength. I don’t want to be taken advantage of.”
I finished reading that first entry and it was weird how I could only remotely remember those feelings. It seemed to me I was reading about a third party. I was a little taken aback and simultaneously grieving for this girl. How could any single person have all of that going on in their head at one time? Such an unfair burden to carry. No one should live that way.
Then I moved to the next entry and was baffled once more.
July 19th 2007:
“You know, sometimes, I may freak out, but when the day is over there is one thing I know about myself and that is that I am strong and I will achieve the things I want. And I’m positive—I know I will get over this hurdle. Life can be a struggle but all it takes is knowing you can make it… with a little bit of work. And I am ready to work.”
Just one day later, there it was: hope and resolve. What a gift. How lucky am I that it was with me, literally, from the beginning. On July 18th I had hit the lowest point in my entire life to date. But on July 19th, I was already asserting my determination. I’m filled with so much pride for that girl. I’m actually at a loss for words. That girl was me. ME. I know when I wrote that second journal entry that I had no idea how impressive it was. I had no idea the implications. I wonder now if, as I was writing them then, I believed them. I mean, it’s clear I did on some level because I’m here now and I’m infinity times healthier and happier. One thing I know is that for as much as I yearned to recover, I certainly hadn’t really considered what life would be like once I had done so. I had no idea it could be so good and so free.
So this becomes the first subject of my gratitude this week. I know this seems like an egotistical way to start the week, but I maintain that until we find the light within, we cannot shine it out. But today, I am grateful for my strength, my resolve, my optimism. I had so much help along the way in my recovery but I also must recognize that without my own determination, I’d never be in the place where I am now. So I’m going to honor myself, give thanks to myself. I’ve done myself a huge deal of benefit in the past year and a half.
The other thing that brought this idea for day one’s gratitude is that I saw this article online: http://www.newsweek.com/id/170528.
It tears my heart out to think that anyone else is living the way that I do. It seems like it was one thing for me to have struggled but the idea of other people struggling is almost intolerable. No one should go through life that way. It’s just not fair. Something has to be done; these girls need to be reached out to. And I want to be one of those doing it. I don’t know how I’m going to do it yet and I don’t know what the community in Evansville is like, but I’ve got to do something. I have been given a great gift and it is only fitting that now, I should pass it on to someone who needs it, too.
13 October 2008
shine it inward
I don't want to dote on about the same thing two posts in a row, but I really just am impressed with the past 4 days.
I'm full of gratitude for the time I got to spend with Laura this weekend, for starters. It was great to have her here, in the city I've called home for the past 10 months. We did things, exploited the area more than I would've ever done if she hadn't visited. Consequently, I developed a new appreciation for the state and city in which I live.
To top it all off, there was a splendid Monday. The work day wasn't overwhelming so I could ease my way back in after a long weekend of fun. And, if it couldn't get any better, I had a private yoga class with Chris tonight. Not on purpose, I just so happened to be the only one who could make it to the 4:30 today. So it was whatever I wanted to do, tips specific for me and my abilities and the chance to practice more advanced poses that you don't normally get to practice in regular classes. I did a handstand and a headstand. I didn't know if I could do it, but I did. Talk about a boost of confidence.
So what I'm saying by way of this recap, is yet again the Universe is taking care of me. It causes me to wonder what I've done to deserve this. But then... when I think on it. I wonder if it's a question of "deserving." Like I said last time, this is here for us to touch 24/7, we just have to be mindful of it. So maybe it's not that I had to "earn"it, it's that I had to get in touch with it. With the Universe. The Universe in me. Maybe, once you put your energy inward, positively, you see that the Universe is always offering you what you need. You just have to listen and accept it and be grateful. You have to realize it's in the "small" things just as much as the "big" things. You just have to realize. To be. Maybe it's not about being fearful of a god, repenting or walking a straight line. It's not about deserving or earning it.
When I consider that we inter-are, then I question that idea of sacrificing and asking for happiness and good fortune. If we inter-are, then it's all inside of us already. We just have to be there for the happiness. We don't have to earn it. It seems to me that the Universe (in us) wouldn't actually force us to earn happiness if it is us as well. That would mean it's forcing itself to earn happiness equally as much as it forces us, and well... why would anyone want to be put to the test for happiness? Don't we all just want it? Yeah.
And it turns out we all have it. There needn't be a fight for it. There needs to be a light on it. Turn the light inward and we'll each find all it is that we need.
~~~~~~
Joy requires one to be awake,
Adjusting the heart's ambience to bright.
Some prefer the dark, as is their right,
On grounds of agony, and to forsake
Not only bliss, but all that's blessed by light.
-Nicholas Gordon
We all walk in the dark and each of us must learn to turn on his or her own light.
-Earl Nightingale
I used to love the darkness
But the sun is my new best friend
As soon as I embraced him
He put my misery to an end.
- Abbe Yeux-verdi
From within or from behind, a light shines through us upon things, and makes us aware that we are nothing, but the light is all.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
I'm full of gratitude for the time I got to spend with Laura this weekend, for starters. It was great to have her here, in the city I've called home for the past 10 months. We did things, exploited the area more than I would've ever done if she hadn't visited. Consequently, I developed a new appreciation for the state and city in which I live.
To top it all off, there was a splendid Monday. The work day wasn't overwhelming so I could ease my way back in after a long weekend of fun. And, if it couldn't get any better, I had a private yoga class with Chris tonight. Not on purpose, I just so happened to be the only one who could make it to the 4:30 today. So it was whatever I wanted to do, tips specific for me and my abilities and the chance to practice more advanced poses that you don't normally get to practice in regular classes. I did a handstand and a headstand. I didn't know if I could do it, but I did. Talk about a boost of confidence.
So what I'm saying by way of this recap, is yet again the Universe is taking care of me. It causes me to wonder what I've done to deserve this. But then... when I think on it. I wonder if it's a question of "deserving." Like I said last time, this is here for us to touch 24/7, we just have to be mindful of it. So maybe it's not that I had to "earn"it, it's that I had to get in touch with it. With the Universe. The Universe in me. Maybe, once you put your energy inward, positively, you see that the Universe is always offering you what you need. You just have to listen and accept it and be grateful. You have to realize it's in the "small" things just as much as the "big" things. You just have to realize. To be. Maybe it's not about being fearful of a god, repenting or walking a straight line. It's not about deserving or earning it.
When I consider that we inter-are, then I question that idea of sacrificing and asking for happiness and good fortune. If we inter-are, then it's all inside of us already. We just have to be there for the happiness. We don't have to earn it. It seems to me that the Universe (in us) wouldn't actually force us to earn happiness if it is us as well. That would mean it's forcing itself to earn happiness equally as much as it forces us, and well... why would anyone want to be put to the test for happiness? Don't we all just want it? Yeah.
And it turns out we all have it. There needn't be a fight for it. There needs to be a light on it. Turn the light inward and we'll each find all it is that we need.
~~~~~~
Joy requires one to be awake,
Adjusting the heart's ambience to bright.
Some prefer the dark, as is their right,
On grounds of agony, and to forsake
Not only bliss, but all that's blessed by light.
-Nicholas Gordon
We all walk in the dark and each of us must learn to turn on his or her own light.
-Earl Nightingale
I used to love the darkness
But the sun is my new best friend
As soon as I embraced him
He put my misery to an end.
- Abbe Yeux-verdi
From within or from behind, a light shines through us upon things, and makes us aware that we are nothing, but the light is all.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
20 September 2008
global mala
Well, if I didn't know it before, I know it now. I realized Friday morning as I was doing my practice before work that I had a sangha- a community- in yoga. The last few yoga classes had seen all of us students talking more and getting to know each other. But tonight takes the cake.
Together we were one entity, completing 108 sun salutations, as did so many other yoga practitioners across the globe, in the name of world peace. Afterwards, we ate dinner together and it hit me like a wave again. I have belong to a sangha. We sat there, people of all ages and walks of life, with this one, amazing link between us that goes deeper than you might imagine-- our yoga practice. We talked about what it meant to us and how we got into it to begin with. We talked about completely non-yoga things. But no matter what the subject, I couldn't help but feel this sense of one-ness with all these people.
Chris ends every yoga class with this phrase, "I honor the light in each of you that is the same light in me. Namaste." That's what the one-ness felt like. Honestly... I don't think I've passed a more content night in Evansville since I moved here. I'll tell you what, too: I'm not going to miss much about this city come January, but above all of it... I will miss my sangha.
namaste,
j.e.n.
Together we were one entity, completing 108 sun salutations, as did so many other yoga practitioners across the globe, in the name of world peace. Afterwards, we ate dinner together and it hit me like a wave again. I have belong to a sangha. We sat there, people of all ages and walks of life, with this one, amazing link between us that goes deeper than you might imagine-- our yoga practice. We talked about what it meant to us and how we got into it to begin with. We talked about completely non-yoga things. But no matter what the subject, I couldn't help but feel this sense of one-ness with all these people.
Chris ends every yoga class with this phrase, "I honor the light in each of you that is the same light in me. Namaste." That's what the one-ness felt like. Honestly... I don't think I've passed a more content night in Evansville since I moved here. I'll tell you what, too: I'm not going to miss much about this city come January, but above all of it... I will miss my sangha.
namaste,
j.e.n.
06 July 2008
waxin' on a bit cheesy-like
Well, I'll tell you what. Things sure have turned around since the last few times I blogged. I'm not gonna lie, I was pretty down. But you know what happened? Well, I just let it go. The whole of it. And today, what I can honestly say is, I feel happy. And I feel healthy.
It's that magical combination I learned about last fall of gaining control by relinquishing it. I've got a handy new mantra, I've got a positive outlook, I see endless horizons. My energy is focused on those who are willing to focus back on me. My head's in the right place again.
This is really, truly the first time I've felt really, actually, truthfully happy in Evansville.
What a joy.
It's that magical combination I learned about last fall of gaining control by relinquishing it. I've got a handy new mantra, I've got a positive outlook, I see endless horizons. My energy is focused on those who are willing to focus back on me. My head's in the right place again.
This is really, truly the first time I've felt really, actually, truthfully happy in Evansville.
What a joy.
07 February 2008
evaluation
I'm starting my new job on Monday morning and I'm feeling conflicted. On one hand, this job is what I came to Evansville for, for the most part, and I get to use my degree and speak French. That's cool. On the other hand, it's starting to look more and more like a dead end. It's a 9 to 5 type deal that guarantees to be predictable and to cut the spontaneous bit out of my life.
I've started to wonder. Am I the 9 to 5 type? I mean... really? I've always loved my jobs I've held that were laid back and weren't heavy on the structure. I've started questioning myself. Was I looking for a 9 to 5 because I thought that's what I was supposed to do, and not necessarily what I wanted to do? Because I didn't know what else to do? Is this really me?
I'm nervous about this new job because I'm not so sure it is. I don't want to live by what society says I should be doing with my life now. I don't want to convince myself that there's anything I have to do, besides making rent. I still don't know about the rest of my life and I don't think that's a bad thing. I've never been happy doing things because I thought that's what I was supposed to be doing.
I think the real Jenny is pretty free spirit and the real Jenny is a little nervous that she's going to be stifled.
I've started to wonder. Am I the 9 to 5 type? I mean... really? I've always loved my jobs I've held that were laid back and weren't heavy on the structure. I've started questioning myself. Was I looking for a 9 to 5 because I thought that's what I was supposed to do, and not necessarily what I wanted to do? Because I didn't know what else to do? Is this really me?
I'm nervous about this new job because I'm not so sure it is. I don't want to live by what society says I should be doing with my life now. I don't want to convince myself that there's anything I have to do, besides making rent. I still don't know about the rest of my life and I don't think that's a bad thing. I've never been happy doing things because I thought that's what I was supposed to be doing.
I think the real Jenny is pretty free spirit and the real Jenny is a little nervous that she's going to be stifled.
31 January 2008
The Next Right Thing
Jane and I used to talk about what it was like internalizing all my feelings the way I have a tendency of doing. The way I was just carrying all of this garbage around with me as if it were hidden under my coat. It was weighing me down mentally, all the while I was convinced something was weighing me down physically. Instead of carrying my emotions with me, Jane encouraged me to share them with others and see how much that lightened my load. It's so cliché, but it's also so true. After my last post, my mood has been altered drastically.
I feel like I've regained some of my focus and my drive. Today, when I was with my friend Audra, I could feel myself concentrating more on building new bonds and opening myself up to her in ways Ed doesn't let me do. It's so hard to pay attention to the world around me when I'm letting Ed whisper in my ear 24 hours a day. Today was a good day because I realized that I have found someone in Evansville who I am really compatible with. I'm excited about this new friendship and getting to add someone else to my support system. It was so freeing to be fully committed to enjoying my time with Audra. I told Ed to shut up and let me be and he was silent today. On this day, I listened to Jenny, the REAL Jenny, and Audra, laughing about things that happened Tuesday and getting excited about the fun we'll be having tonight.
I also got to experience and share in the absolute JOY that my sister experienced on Wednesday when she married the love of her life! I am so happy that I got be 100% in that moment with her (mentally). I would've hated for Ed to steal that from me.
The other thing I did was to read in my book "Life After Ed." I turned to the section where the author is writing about relapsing. I realized that these bumps in the road aren't the be all and end all of my recovery. I haven't failed miserably. It doesn't have to be the way that it was and if I have a night where I binge, I have NO obligation to restrict the next day. Instead, I have to "do the next right thing," she says. I will NOT deny myself a meal. I will pick myself up, put myself back together and get going again on the healthy track.
The things restricting did to me physically are frightening. The things restricting did to me mentally are equally as worrisome. I don't want to be there again. I'm seeing once more how restricting is not the answer and feeling that welcome feeling of real happiness that comes from just letting go.
Before I sign off, I just want to send one more huge congratulations to my sister and my brother-in-law (even though I've considered LB my brother for years now!) on their marriage. I am SO happy for you two! I wish I could've been there but I'm sincerely looking forward to the time when we can all be together celebrating our family! I love you guys!
I feel like I've regained some of my focus and my drive. Today, when I was with my friend Audra, I could feel myself concentrating more on building new bonds and opening myself up to her in ways Ed doesn't let me do. It's so hard to pay attention to the world around me when I'm letting Ed whisper in my ear 24 hours a day. Today was a good day because I realized that I have found someone in Evansville who I am really compatible with. I'm excited about this new friendship and getting to add someone else to my support system. It was so freeing to be fully committed to enjoying my time with Audra. I told Ed to shut up and let me be and he was silent today. On this day, I listened to Jenny, the REAL Jenny, and Audra, laughing about things that happened Tuesday and getting excited about the fun we'll be having tonight.
I also got to experience and share in the absolute JOY that my sister experienced on Wednesday when she married the love of her life! I am so happy that I got be 100% in that moment with her (mentally). I would've hated for Ed to steal that from me.
The other thing I did was to read in my book "Life After Ed." I turned to the section where the author is writing about relapsing. I realized that these bumps in the road aren't the be all and end all of my recovery. I haven't failed miserably. It doesn't have to be the way that it was and if I have a night where I binge, I have NO obligation to restrict the next day. Instead, I have to "do the next right thing," she says. I will NOT deny myself a meal. I will pick myself up, put myself back together and get going again on the healthy track.
The things restricting did to me physically are frightening. The things restricting did to me mentally are equally as worrisome. I don't want to be there again. I'm seeing once more how restricting is not the answer and feeling that welcome feeling of real happiness that comes from just letting go.
Before I sign off, I just want to send one more huge congratulations to my sister and my brother-in-law (even though I've considered LB my brother for years now!) on their marriage. I am SO happy for you two! I wish I could've been there but I'm sincerely looking forward to the time when we can all be together celebrating our family! I love you guys!
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