twitter can't support this kind of update

I've got a little down time tonight so I thought I'd take the opportunity to fill my pals in on the latest Jenny-related news.

This past weekend was the retreat in New Harmony, "Stressed Out to Blessed Out," hosted by one of my most respected yoga instructors, Stacey Shanks, and the wonderful and amazing (did I mention Martha Beck certified life coach) Susan Hyatt. I spent the weekend with these 2 women as well as 10 others and we talked about making our lives everything they deserved to be, replacing our negative thoughts with positive ones; we did yoga; we made art with the help of the fantastic Laura Mitchell and we got massages from the magnificent Joy Timmons. It was a truly inspiring and empowering weekend and it was exactly what I needed.

I was given the opportunity to sit down and really think about how to take on my goals for my life and make them less dream, more reality. I'm very happy with the outcome and I'd like to share it with you all.

Obviously, my main goal is to be able to support myself solely by teaching yoga. What I hadn't thought about was taking my yoga outside of the studio. Absolutely, studio teaching is something I want to do, I love a good, physical class and I love the community we have at EYC, but with the help of Susan, I was able to begin thinking outside of the box. She asked me, who would I most like to offer yoga to, if I could offer it to absolutely anyone. It was about then that I knew: I need to reach out to girls who have been affected by body image issues and eating disorders. Suddenly the reason for that period of my life became clear. (Incidentally, this became even more clear to me today when I went hiking with my friend Beth, who is also a yoga teacher, and we were talking about our similar experiences and I mentioned to her that I sometimes felt like a "fraud" with my ED because I didn't have it nearly as bad as other girls- and guys - do. Because I was able to catch myself before it had gone too far, because I had an easier recovery, I thought I was just lucky. The more I think about it though, the more I have come to realize that my struggle was just enough for me to be given the tools to go out into the world and help girls in the same position as I was.)

I have already taken some steps in the direction of making this happen and will continue to do so. I want to help people, through yoga, who need to reestablish their mind-body connection. I want to host classes and I want to host retreats. This is also the reason I established my new blog, Off the Beaten Mat (which, by the way, has it's first official, new post up at this time). I post a lot of my blogs on the Yoga Journal community page as well and have gotten some very affirming feedback from the people there. By way of my blog, I hope to be able to shed some light on the mental transformations that we experience when we practice yoga.

Those are my next moves "career"wise/ business wise. I am convinced I can turn these ideas into something great, something needed and useful in Evansville.

Also, March 7th is my first official day as a yoga instructor. Chris has given me the Saturday morning class on the East side of town. I'm also substitute teaching for her and Stacey several times in March and tomorrow I'm giving a private session to one of my Starbucks coworkers, trying to help her in her efforts to quit smoking, so I will be getting lots of teaching time in! There has also been mention of organizing and co-hosting a couple of workshops and/or retreats at the studio. All of this plus I'm still doing the Starbucks/Hallmark thing and trying to fit in time for a new hobby: hiking.

It's a busy life down here in Indiana, but I'll tell you what, it's exactly the life I've always wanted for myself.

Introducing: Off the Beaten Mat

If days were longer I'd give you a fantastic rundown of what my weekend retreat was like, but alas, they are not and I cannot. Suffice it to say that a lot of great work was done and decisions about my life and life's purpose were made. On that note, I'd like to formally introduce the creation of my newest blog: Off the Beaten Mat

That blog is going to be my more philosophical/meditational/motivational/yogic-al one, and Living Dharma will be more personal and about day to day things. (Hopefully this means I'll update more...?) (This also means you can expect, at some point, an explanation for all of this blog changing and the recap of the weekend, too.)

I'm starting it off with some of my older posts that I had put on here until I have time to actually write the newest blog, which is in development as we speak.

I'm really excited about sharing my plans and putting them into action, as well!

Namaste'

The Good

Well I'm back from my Refugee Adventures. For the past 5 days my roommate, Natasha, her son and I have been making the rounds in Evansville and Henderson, KY borrowing couches and heat and electricity from generous folks who were willing and able to share. Last night our electricity came back on and it was the greatest relief I've known in quite some time. Morale was taking a steep decline on Sunday so the restoration really couldn't have come at a better time.

It was easy to find something to complain about in all of this, but I think that we all did a bang up job and staying positive and avoiding the slippery slope that would have been moping. So as I'm thinking back on the past almost-week, I want to remember the good things that came out of it because, as it turns out, a lot of good really did come from this experience.

For instance, my roommate and I got to know each other real quick-like. If it hadn't been for this situation, it would've taken a lot longer for she and I to develop our relationship. This really got us over the "adjusting to each other" hump at an accelerated speed. Having said as much, I can't leave this subject without expressing my gratitude to her for taking me with her everywhere and making sure I had a place to be warm as well. If I hadn't been in this house with her, I would've surely been at a shelter or something and much less comfortable.

I'm also grateful because through this it turns out that my roommate and I get along quite well and so I feel like it was divine intervention that I found this house and this person. This whole situation is going to be so good for me, I'm convinced of it.

Next: I like a kid. Yes folks. I live with a boy who is about to be 4 years old and I quite enjoy his company. It's weird. And after these 5 days, I found myself going to work and going on and on about stuff he did or said or how well he was handling everything. I mean, it was close to gushing. I don't pretend to understand it, it's just happened.

Moving on: Through Natasha, I was able to meet such a magnificent group of people who are involved in wonderful things for this community and who I think will be so beneficial to my own personal development. I'd again like to reiterate my new-found belief in divine intervention. I don't see how it could have happened any other way. I really feel like I was led here and for a reason. These are exactly the types of people that I want to surround myself with and if it hadn't been for the storm I may have never found them.

Also, I was given the chance to volunteer for the Red Cross for part of 2 days and help them out at their disaster shelters. It was humbling and I think if it hadn't been for that, for the chance to be active and help others, I would have begun complaining a lot sooner than I did. I felt so lucky to have a warm bed or couch every night throughout this ordeal. I was well fed and able to shower. And I think, most importantly, I wasn't alone. If I was still in my apartment and this had happened, I might have gone to the Red Cross to ask for help instead of to offer it and I would've gone there alone. Instead I was lucky enough to be surrounded by great, great people and together we were able to try to make the lives of those in the shelter a little bit more comfortable.

All in all, this situation gave me the opportunity to recognize the things in my life I should be grateful for. And it really has made me question the validity of divine intervention in my life. For me, it seems like all of this was handed to me on a silver platter, if you will. I was here in my new residence being pretty isolationist and not really making many moves to connect with my roommate. All the while she was there, with all of those people I got to meet, and I had no idea what I was missing out on. It just feels to me like this was a less-than-subtle nudge in the right direction. It's a nudge I certainly do not plan on ignoring. I feel more attached to Evansville than I have before right now. I feel like I could be a part of very, very good things here. Things I wanted to be a part of that I thought I'd have to leave in order to do. I feel like the horizons have opened up before me with more opportunity once more and it's a very, very good feeling.

Productive Things I Did on My Anniversary

It's my one year anniversary in Evansville. Neat, huh? Man, what a difference a year makes.

I did some productive stuff today in celebration. (Okay you caught me... I only remembered about an hour ago, but I was still productive!)

I cleaned the kitty litter box. I took the trash out. I bought body wash. I showered. I went to two fantastic yoga classes. I had my chakras read. I drank a Berry Chai Infusion from Starbucks. (You tea lovers out there really must hit up the Sbux for our new drinks...) Oh, and I finished my first ever knitting project.

<--- That's her right there! I made a scarf!

I have to say... I'm pretty proud of myself. For the day and for the scarf and for the year. Today-me and a-year-ago-today-me, while technically the same person, are pretty different. Gone is the lost college-girl, now is the young woman learning about life and happiness and responsibility. A young woman with a path before her that she chose. And did I mention the rockin' scarf I just finished?!

Happy anniversary to me!

On Flying Alone: Airplanes and Love Notes to My Multitudes

I love flying on planes and I love to do it by myself. There’s something that is always moving to me about being one of many ones. I mean to point out that so many people on planes are traveling alone.

I love to look at them all and wonder who they are and where they’re going and why they’re going there and if they’ll ever come back. I wonder if they’re going home or if they’re leaving and if they’re sad or they’re excited. I wonder if they’re going somewhere they’ve never been before and if they’re scared at all. I wonder if they’re starting over from the beginning or picking up where they left off. Will someone they love be waiting for them with a rapturous smile or will they be walking into a complete unknown when they deboard the plane?

I marvel at this sort of public anonymity. This no-questions-asked rhythm of coming and going. Leaving in a way that is so obvious, going so far away that you have to take to the air to do it. Yet giving no reason for your departure. Everyone is just going or coming and letting it be just that. It’s fascinating.

It occurs to me that I love to leave. I always like to imagine myself as one of the people who are leaving, no matter what kind of trip I’m on. Whether it’s a departure or an arrival. To me it’s the bravest travel there is. I’ve always been captivated by the idea of leaving all things familiar behind and going where I have never existed to anyone before. The slate is wiped clean and I can be a new person. I can invent a new me. Sometimes I like to retain a bit of the Old Jenny, the bits I really liked and the ones that are Me inside and out. But I like the idea of getting the chance to be something I’ve always wanted to be and not having to explain why I’m this way now. In a new place no one knows, I proclaim myself to be how I want to be. Sometimes I discover that how I thought I wanted to be isn’t really what I wanted to be and I return to the parts of Me that remain.

But even still, leaving is scary. It is a difficult process. I don’t meant to make it sound like it’s all fun and games. As a matter of fact, I don’t see it as a game, but as an undeniable duty to myself. There is certainly a struggle (metaphorically) to be met once I get where I’m going (geographically). But in the end, the geography is not what is important. It’s not the destination, but the journey. I find more of Me, a part of Me that I didn’t know was actually Me. This is the reward for this kind of lifestyle. Finding new parts of Me, my confidence grows and I feel more complete. I can state surely that This is Me.

Walt Whitman wrote, “I contain multitudes.” This is the basis for how I feel it necessary to live my life. So my mission is this: discover my multitudes, or as many as I can while the opportunity is mine.

Some notes, though: This is selfish. The way I think is beyond selfish, even. This isn’t something that has escaped me, unnoticed. Sometimes it hurts people, sometimes I ignore that I am not the only one who contains multitudes. I am transient and I don’t think of what my talk of leaving means to others. I don’t have a solution yet for selfishness, so I just want to acknowledge that I know it’s there. If you’re reading this and I’ve ever hurt you, I’m sorry. But there are those of you that take me as I am (I have 2 people in mind and I trust you know who you are). There is beauty and comfort in your roles in my life because I know that no matter where I go, I have never left you, and will never leave you. And no matter where you two go, you have never left me, and will never leave me. I said this recently in a spiel to one of you, but now let me say it to you both: You are Me. This is something I’ve discovered along my journey. You are each one of my multitudes.


Epilogue:
I have to say… when I started writing this post, I had no idea it was going to end up going where it went. But I’m glad it did. I think for the people who don’t understand the way that I think, it’s important to illustrate that leaving isn’t an attempt to erase the past or to push people away. In leaving, I think we afford ourselves the opportunity to find the truth, love and strength of our relationships, such that no matter where we go, we find we are never alone.

literally/figuratively

Cut to the first time since my last post that I've had an ounce of "spare time" for blogging. From where did this sudden appearance of spare time come, you ask? Why, none other than a 3 hour layover in Charlotte, North Carolina. Yes, it is already that time. I'm headed to Connecticut for the nuptials of Erin and LB!

So a lot has happened in the past month-ish. Not the least of which was my foray into "assistant" at the yoga studio. Chris is preening me to take over the Intro to Yoga classes at the studio. In a thrilling turn of events, Chris approached me and wanted to become my mentor. We're bartering, like in the olden days. I help her out around the studio and in exchange she is giving me the tools I need to become a teacher. And she as good as offered me a spot teaching at the EYC. I knew after all those medical bills and the car accident that my Karma was in need of some re-balancing.

In other exciting news, I may or may not have had my last day at CMC. I got a job at Starbucks and I found a ridiculously cheap housing situation for January. Things are good!

And now we find me in North Carolina (this airport, incidentally, has FIVE Starbucks inside its walls. FIVE!) Flying is so interesting to me. From the plane, looking down at the Earth, it felt like I was looking at all the best bits of our planet: the tops of trees (and jeeeeeezus, the colors of NC trees in autumn actually brought tears to my eyes), the rivers winding through the land, the hills, the farms. I know we all have to have places to live, but I couldn't help but think that it was too bad all of those neighborhoods had to ruin the natural art that lay before me.

The juxtaposition was obvious and ironic. The trees were so perfect, the colors so beautiful, so effortless. And then these neighborhoods, with their houses all identical, trying to be perfect, beautiful, effortless. Oh, how they'd failed. I wondered if everyone had a chance to change their perspective, if they'd see it too. If they'd see how silly and disorganized these neighborhoods were. They looked like dice in a game of Yatzee the way they seemed so carelessly thrown down across the land. I wondered if people might see how we, as humans, can be so silly and disorganized in our struggle against what is natural and good.

If everyone could just see the bigger picture (literally? figuratively?), how different would the world be? I know it's not possible to see the bigger picture all the time, but sometimes, in instances like these, you get lucky enough to see it for just a fleeting moment. It oughta be treated like a mile marker. Like, now I have a reference point and so if there's any readjusting I need to do to my plan, then I have to tools to do it.

Readjust what? What plan? How does this relate to me?

Okay, I haven't figured that out yet. I've been up since 4:10 am okay? I'm not quite prepared to answer my own existential-plane-inspired musings. The point is, I know where I am (literally/figuratively).

i take a hint

"Be prepared for a few scheduling hiccups, today. Suddenly, an unforeseen event could limit your free time and make you feel a little bit like you're under the gun. But have no fear! This rapid change of pace will not send you down a stressful path. Instead, it will be invigorating and bring out your competitive, aggressive nature. This will be a fun day, full of twists and turns that keep you on the edge of your seat -- and ready for the next curveball to come your way!"

At 7 am, I was at work, reading my horoscope on MSNBC, thinking "Yipes... I don't know how I feel about this one..."

At 1:30 pm I was thrilled to only have an hour left of work and looking forward to errands, the weekend and lots of yoga classes.

At 5:35 pm, I was standing at the corner of Barker and Mt. Vernon, looking sadly at the front bumper and headlights of my car lying in the middle of the street, cleanly detached from the body of my car. Another hour or so and I was watching my precious darling car being towed away. Fast forward another half hour and I'd gotten a ride home and was making reservations to pick up a rental car in the morning.

It wasn't until after dinner that I remembered my horoscope this morning. And then I reflected on how I'd been feeling quite scattered and distracted all afternoon. My brain was moving a million miles an hour and literally seconds before my accident tonight I explicitly recall saying to myself that I needed to get out of my head and focus on life as it was happening in front of me. I remember thinking these words exactly, "You just aren't paying attention to the world outside of you tonight." That was an understatement.

Then it occurred to me... in my last blog I was talking about how happiness is always there for us to touch 24/7, if we're just mindful and aware we'll see it. I think tonight was a gentle (?) suggestion from the Universe to broaden that idea. Not just happiness, but life itself. Thinking back on the day... I almost feel like I should've seen this coming. Starting with my horoscope, which I generally just read for fun and don't actually use as a guide. And then there was my own advice to myself to focus on what was happening in front of me and to stop living in the world going on in my head. I was very in tune with how distracted I was this afternoon. In fact, I was so in tune with my distraction that it was distracting... Clearly...

It was like the Universe was saying, "Yes, Jenny. Happiness is there to be touched 24/7, but that's only because Reality is there to be touched 24/7. Truth is there 24/7. Just listen to me and you'll be able to be there for all of it. Happiness, chance, even disappointment." I had forgotten that in order to recognize you are at the mountain's peak, you must also recognize that there is a valley far below. They are both there and they can not be without the existence of the other. And there was the Universe, all day long trying to tell me what I needed: to be aware, to be mindful of it. But I simply wasn't listening for that.

This has been a very interesting lesson I've learned tonight. I'm also proud of my reaction to it all. I've surprised myself by being so calm about everything. To speak truthfully, I think this is almost a good thing that has happened. Sometimes I recognize the extent to which I cling to a routine and I have been known to get very agitated when my routine is interupted. Yes, I realize this changes the plans I had for the weekend a bit. Yeah, it sucks I missed yoga tonight and I'll miss it in the morning. But I can accomplish nothing if I focus strictly on how I wanted things to go and how they didn't go accordingly.

Life happens and all that there is to control is how you react to it. You have plans and sometimes the plans have to change. You make the best out of what you're given.

And you learn to listen. To all of it.

positive

There's a lot of potentially positive things on the horizon. It's a time to remember that there are ups after the downs. Some things carry more certainty than others right now but what's more important is that regardless of what happens, it's the getting there that's offering me the most excitement at present. It's good to be focusing again on the journey and not controlling the outcome.

"All that we are is the result of what we have thought. The mind is everything. What we think we become. " The Buddha

A Sometimes Moment

Sometimes I just have one of those days where I am very impressed by life for something seemingly very trivial. Sometimes on those days I can pinpoint the triviality. Today was one of those days.

Today I realized how much I love to travel. As a matter of fact, I much prefer it to arriving.*




*I have totally stolen that quote from someone somewhere, but I don't recall where I got it from and unfortunately then, can't give credit where credit is due. Whoops.