playtime

Do you know what we did in yoga class this afternoon?

We laughed. We laughed so much we were all crying.

Sometimes in yoga we deal with "serious" issues. That's to say, we deal with an exploration of ourselves, of our emotions. We learn to feel complete despite our "imperfections." We learn to survive, in a sense. Think about it... for some of us, yoga is what's helped us get past some serious mental ordeals!

And so for me, it's a truth that I take yoga seriously. Besides that self exploration and awareness that has been so essential to my health, my dedication to my practice and desire to teach have lead me to be a pretty serious yogini. It's safe to say that yoga means a lot to me and I am certainly no fairweather fan.

Of course, I have fun in class. Everyday I enjoy myself, otherwise I wouldn't keep coming back. But today, I was gently reminded that yoga is not always meant to be so serious. In fact, it is just as playful as it is introverted!

Incidentally, my plan today was not to go to the lunchtime class, but something came up and I decided to attend that class instead of my normal, Friday night class. As soon as I sat down on my mat and started to center myself, I just knew that my change in plans was so perfect and the afternoon class was where I was meant to be. I didn't know why, or how, but I knew that I was exactly where I was supposed to be and that something good was going to happen while I was there.

It began by class getting a late start because those of us there, and the instructor, were a bunch of Chatty Cathies. And then we all came to a group decision (there were only 3 of us in class besides our instructor) that we'd work on some inversions. So when the time came we all started playing with forearm stand and the like. And at that point it ceased to be a stereotypical yoga class. Instead we were all talking, and trying things out and asking questions. We'd stop and listen as we gained education about the intricacies of our bodies and our poses. We were learning together and experimenting. We do this in all of our classes, to an extent, I think, but today was different. Truly the only word I could use to describe this today was "playful." We were playing! I haven't felt like that since I was a little kid!

It felt so freeing to just throw everything out there and feel absolutely no regret or embarassment if something didn't work. We were giggling and sometimes toppling over and then maybe we'd get it and we'd be cheering a little too. It was so fun. And the laughter.... If you could've experienced the laughter with us... Red faced and tears in our eyes. Absolutely, the lightest hearts in the midwest were sitting in EYC West today.

At one point I remember being overwhelmed with gratitude. This is my life. How lucky am I that I am making a living (or will be someday!) playing?! Incredibly so.

It was also nice to have that little reminder that, yes... yoga can bring is to deal with serious issues, but also, at the end of the day, yoga is simply fun and playful. It's about playing and exploring and being curious and just trying, completely unattached to the results.

Friends, I believe I tasted Freedom today.

waxin' on a bit cheesy-like

Well, I'll tell you what. Things sure have turned around since the last few times I blogged. I'm not gonna lie, I was pretty down. But you know what happened? Well, I just let it go. The whole of it. And today, what I can honestly say is, I feel happy. And I feel healthy.

It's that magical combination I learned about last fall of gaining control by relinquishing it. I've got a handy new mantra, I've got a positive outlook, I see endless horizons. My energy is focused on those who are willing to focus back on me. My head's in the right place again.

This is really, truly the first time I've felt really, actually, truthfully happy in Evansville.

What a joy.

what would scott say?

I feel a little homesick but not for a physical place. No, I miss my best friend.


Let's play, bestie!

an ode to you

The sister.
The childhood best friend.
The newest addition.
The unexpected hero.

These people, in the last two weeks, have made me incredibly grateful, whether they know it or not. Everything from listening and accepting without judgment, to being there at the right time, to reminding me while everything changes and will continue to change, the bond never will. None of them are here geographically but the distance lately has melted away. Sitting here thinking about it, I'm finally realizing how lucky I am.

I hope I've given you all even a morsel of what you've given me recently. Thank you.

it's the thought

Well, it was a good and romantic thought I was having, when I thought I'd be better at keeping up with a blog the nth time around. It would have worked like in the past, perhaps, if all other variables were held constant. But that's not life, now is it?

So, in keeping with that, a lot's changed since March 1. First and foremost, there was the departure of Audra. She's gone to bigger and better things in Texas. I'm naturally very happy for her and naturally very selfishly sad she's gone.

Again I find myself pondering this phenomenon in my life that always has my best friends moving away. Holly. Erin. Laura. Audra. Le sigh. It's been so long since I've had a best friend conveniently close that I can hardly remember what it was like. But I guess that's just the times in which we live, eh? Everybody's global. Everybody's moving... And it was pointed out to me last night (this is such an easy point to overlook...) that I did some of that moving away myself.

Aaaah, touchée.

The other big news is the arrival of Lily, the kitty, into my life. She's been with me for almost two weeks now. She's a pretty great kitten; we have a swell time together.

Work's work. I've been relatively busy there lately, which I guess is a good thing. I learned the English part of the client that also speaks French. Now that I've had about a week to get used to their procedure, I think they're adding the French part in around Friday or Monday. That should be fun. I'm getting eager to start using the French. I think it'll make things more interesting.

Today and tomorrow are my days off this week and I've given myself a special project. It's called: make my apartment look less like a dorm room. Sounds fun, huh? I got me a little budget set aside for some bookcases, slip covers etc, etc and we're gonna nip this thing in the butt, once and for all. My other special project is to get a mini-garden started here soon. Or at least to get the things I need to grow something. I'm thinking cherry tomatoes. Or peppers.

Next exciting thing in life is that tomorrow my beloved Hodes will be in town along with Hilary Clinton. Whee! By great luck I'm off and I get to go with him to watch her speak. Chris even made us t-shirts! Mine says, "Hoosier President? Hilary 08". I'm so clever...

At any rate. Special project calls... Must be scootin'...

my story

I struggle with anorexia and I have been for nearly a year and a half now. I started getting help last semester and I made huge improvements. Now that I'm in Evansville and on my own, I don't really have the resources just yet to carry on with therapy. So I'm out here to trying to remember everything Jane helped me realize and trying to apply it to my every day life. It's all up to me now. Long story short: it hasn't been easy. Everyday is a battle and a process. I won't pretend either that I haven't had days of restriction. I'm not perfect and I've made mistakes along the way in my recovery. It almost seems natural that I would slip up a little. I'm no pro at this recovery deal. And that's okay.

Truth be told, I almost expected it to happen. I'm in a new place, starting from scratch, working a schedule that doesn't allow for too much consistency, worrying about new, adult things and trying to figure out the path certain elements of my life are taking. I'm out of my comfort zone and this translates to one thing: that same old feeling of not being in control.
This is the root of all my evils, I've discovered.

Part of what I did with my eating disorder (who will henceforth be called Ed) was restrict in order to control SOMETHING when I felt like everything else was out of my grasp. What happened was I lost even more control over my life because I was actually giving it all over to Ed. And let me tell you something about Ed. He's one smooth talker. He had (and lately he's been trying to make that present-tense) a way of convincing me the things I did were good for me. He would build me up one second and tear me down the next.

Last semester I learned, first, to stop listening to him and to decide for myself what was good and bad. Then, and possibly most importantly, I learned to disagree with him and to mean it. I realized Ed was a jerk and no good for me. I separated from Ed.

Now, I've made friends here in Evansville, but it's still too soon for any of these to stand up to the deeper relationships time and circumstances have had me move away from (geographically, I mean). Suffice it to say, I have moments of loneliness here. These are the moments that Ed stands up in his little corner of my mind that he still occupies and tries to remind me he's someone who's "there for me." And like I said earlier... there have been days lately that I've listened to him and come dangerously close to letting him back in my life.

The point of this blog, I realized last night, is going to be to work it out-- outside of my head and with the help of the people that love me most. Because the truth is, I haven't stopped needing you all and I haven't stopped struggling. And I don't want Ed to be my confidant anymore. I want you all because I don't want the false happiness that Ed offers me.

I want the real thing.