living dharma

Everything Flows Onward

2009-05-15T20:59:00.003-05:00

I have quite enjoyed my time as a blogger here, but I have decided to move to a new blog host. Please continue to visit me for updates and observations at the following site:

Everything Flows Onward

All my archives have gone over with me, so the transition is smoother. Similarly, bear with me if there are a lot of changes and often. I'm still new to the site and am trying to get my bearings. Also, expect to be hearing from me in the near future. There has been a fair amount of introspection going on in my life this week.

Namaste.

In Loving Memory

2009-05-08T08:02:00.003-05:00

True to our form, doing what we do best, Erin and I got tattoos last night in memory of our cousin, Johnny. It seemed like a very fitting way for both of us to commemorate his life. We each got a violet flower, his birth flower, on our foot.

Johnny was laid to rest yesterday, May 7th, 2009. The service was beautiful and it is a blessing to have been here with my family.

Thank you to everyone who has carried us in his or her thoughts. Your love can be felt from miles away.

Johnny was our Peter Pan when we played together as children, and now, as an adult, Peter Pan he shall remain: forever young and gone back to Neverland. The rest of us will play the part of Wendy. We'll continue to grow older every passing day, and wait for spring cleaning, when Peter will come back to take us with him.

Rest in peace, John Losse, Jr.

SEVA Challenge 2009

2009-05-05T15:05:00.004-05:00

So, things are really up and running for our involvement in the SEVA 2009 Challenge.

In case you are not aware of what it is or what I have to do with it, allow us to explain:

WHAT IS OUR PURPOSE?

The SEVA Challenge 2009 is in collaboration with Off the Mat into the World organization (www.offthematintotheworld.org ) where yogis around the United States and Canada join hands to raise money for national and international causes.

This year, I have pledged to raise $20,000 by November 15, 2009 for three organizations. Once my goal is reached, I will be traveling to Uganda in February 2010. Through the transformative practice of daily yoga, extensive hands-on experience and leadership training, we will create a powerful container in which to learn, discover and become effective agents for change.

SHANTI UGANDA
A Vancouver based organization dedicated to helping children, women, and communities in Uganda find peace and health. OTM will support these efforts:
• Build an eco-friendly birthing center in remote Uganda
• Offer services to 50 HIV positive women
• Support a mid-wife training program, allowing them to earn an income, and supports women giving birth

BUILDING TOMORROW
Building Tomorrow is an international organization out of Indianapolis, Indiana. This year, OTM will support Building Tomorrow’s efforts:
• Building a primary school
• Housing for seven teachers and their families
• Develop a farm on the school’s property

YOUTH AIDS
Seane Corn, along with Ashley Judd and Josh Lucas, is an ambassador for Youth Aids. OTM will be working with this organization to support:
• Education and prevention initiative to stopping the spread of HIV/AIDS
• Life-saving programs in over 60 countries

In addition, 20% of proceeds will stay in the United States and Canada to support youth at-risk programs. OTM is committed to continuing our work to support cultures and communities where basic human needs are at risk and to offering our hearts, hands and resources in joyful and practical service.

The Facts:
-41% of children in Africa have no access to education.
-Every morning 41 million children in sub-Africa wake up with no school to attend.
-Over 1 million children in Uganda, between the ages of 6-12 are not in school.
-Only 57% of children in Uganda will complete primary school.
-The war in Northern Uganda has been called the most neglected humanitarian emergency in the world.
-15 million children around the world have been orphaned by AIDS losing one or both parents by this disease
-In a country where sanitation and medical facilities are lacking, high cesarean section rates, and other interventions lead to infection and death.
-Without continued access to education and supplies, these practices put the birthing mother and her child at risk causing thousands to die each year.

OUR PLAN:
Between now and November 15, people with the same vision and I have organized several events for this cause:
• Yoga-thons
• Cut-a-thons
• Art Auctions (one online and one live, local event)
• Letter writing campaigns
• Traveling yoga donation classes

ACTION:
I am asking you to support my effort in any way possible. If you feel inclined to offer a monetary donation, please do so the following ways below. Your tax deductible donation will go to support these worthwhile causes. If you would like to donate an item for our art auction, or volunteer for one of our other efforts, please contact me at staceyshanks@insightbb.com or (812) 455-6740.

Your donation will be part of a legacy of hope for Uganda and an agent for social change. Please consider my plea for help by supporting this cause and my goal now. I am happy to answer any questions you may have about these organizations or my efforts. Together we CAN make a difference!

Love & blessings for a better tomorrow,

Stacey Shanks
Lynn Falcony
Jenny Naes

Another tid bit of information that may be of interest to you is the monetary goal of our efforts. Stacey has taken the SEVA pledge, which means that in order to be able to travel to Uganda and physically take part in the efforts of the above mentioned organizations, she must raise $20,000 by November 15th. Stacey's entire heart and soul is being poured into her efforts. I have seen firsthand how much this means to her to have the opportunity to take part. She is so moved by the cause and was absolutely called by the universe to take action.

So, how can you donate? There is a button at the top left of this blog which you can click and be directed to the donation site. From there, please select Stacey Shanks as the recipient of your donation. Another option available to you is to send checks to Off the Mat, Into the World P.O. Box 748, Venice, CA 90294 (payable to The Engage Network with Stacey Shanks in the memo on the check).

How can you get involved or stay updated on information? We invite you all to join our Ning network: www.sevachallenge.ning.com. This is the site that Stacey, Lynn and I have set up for our organizing efforts. Here you can sign in, find friends, join groups and forum discussions, keep updated on our progress and our events. There is so much exciting stuff going on here. I hope you all will join us and consider giving what you can. Your help means the world to us all.

Namaste'.

Grieving

2009-05-02T14:42:00.006-05:00

This morning I woke up and couldn't have found enough paper in the entire world onto which I could write all of the reasons I thought I was in a bad mood. Certainly it was partly because I haven't eaten healthily enough of the past few days. "I'm sure I gained 10 pounds last night alone..." And surely it had something to do with the fact that I will be missing more yoga classes this week than I like to. How can I remain in a good mood if I don't have my yoga? And don't even get me started on the fact that there hasn't been sun in a few days. I'm obviously deficient in vitamin D and clearly a lost cause. All of these things combined, how could I possible be light and cheery today?

I meditated. I begged for clarity, for a single ray of sunshine, for a way to be light. My meditation ended and I went on about my morning. I didn't notice any changes immediately following, so I figured I was pretty much doomed. It was only 6:31 am and already my day was shot.

About an hour later, I got into my car and began driving to the yoga studio where I was to be teaching two classes today. Behind the wheel of my car, I started crying. Tears wouldn't stop falling. I realized suddenly just why I felt like I was in a fog and I knew how to remove myself from it. I realized that my made-up list of Why I Should Be Pissy Today was just my ego's way of protecting itself/myself from feeling pain. It was a diversion tactic, in other words. Interestingly, it was also the first time I ever truly saw how anorexia was a desperate egoic action-- my ego saw something it didn't like, ran in the other direction and frantically waved it's arms, drawing my attention away from the reality of my life, away from truth, only later to get lazy long enough to see what was truly haunting me and realize how much it had gotten out of hand, having been ignored. But I digress some.

So there I was, driving and crying, and I realized that because I had asked (okay, seriously I begged) for clarity, I was finally receiving it. The fog was lifted and I was left with grief. Three days after learning the news, I had now begun grieving the loss of my cousin.

Instead of trying desperately not to feel pain, I let go and became present for my reality. I showed up for my grief. I sat with it; I allowed it to saturate me. I let it do what it needed to do. I let it work itself through me. My grief told me it couldn't handle being ignored anymore. It needed to talk, to be heard, just for a short while. It asked that I put my shield down, open the curtains and cease to be ashamed of it. "Please," grief implored, "I just need you to accept me."

And so I cried the whole way to the studio. I cried because my cousin ever hurt. I cried because we are all hurting for him now. I cried because I want to be with my family as soon as possible and that's not soon enough for my own preference. I cried because we are in the midst of a family tragedy. As I cried, the clouds of my mind parted ever so slightly, Release softly assuring me it was on the horizon.

Stacey was the only person to show up for the 8:30 class. She listened to me as I was finally acknowledging my grief and letting it be heard. She let me cry some more and then offered to sit and meditate together as opposed to doing a physical practice. So we sat, and I continued to give grief my attention, as long as it needed it.

Then, slowly, I began to feel warm. Eyes closed, I felt the sun shining on me from the inside out. The sunshine that can only come from my Source. I was transported to a grassy field. I got warmer still, sitting in this field. I could feel the Sun and a soft, warm breeze. I became aware of the grass and I felt my cousin Johnny with me. He was a blade of grass and he whispered to me that he'd never leave us. I was touched with such an overwhelming sense of peace. All I'd had to do was stop denying grief, to allow myself to be present for it, and eventually my grief would be transformed into peace.

I knew the next thing I needed to do was to write. So I wrote my Aunt Kathy, Johnny's mother, a letter that I will give to her at the wake. The release kept coming with every stroke of my pen and when I finally finished and looked up for the first time, out of the studio windows, I saw that the clouds outside had parted ever so slightly and through them, the warm and generous sun was offering a few beautiful beams of light.

meme's put me to sleep.

2009-04-30T21:25:00.002-05:00

-Prologue-

1. Who took your profile picture?
on facebook, rachel

2. Exactly what are you wearing right now?
a tank top and shorts

3. What is your current problem?
my problems are trivial compared to those of others.

4. What makes you most happy?
yoga, the sunrise, friends and family. oh... and coffee.

5. What's the name of the song that you're listening to?
"life is wonderful" by jason mraz. it's my current fave.
__________________________

____________

Chapter 1:

1. Nickname?
jennynaes, jenny ness, yogi, mama, sissy, jen, j

2. Eye color?
blue

3. Hair color?
blonde

4.Height?
5'5
________________________________________________________

Chapter 2:

1. Do you live with both of your parent(s)?
nope

2. Do you get along with them?
yeah, a lot more now than in the past

3. Are your parents chill?
i'd say so

4. Do you have any Siblings?
a sister and a brother
______________________________________________________

Chapter 3:
FAVORITE:

1. Ice Cream?
anything from coldstone

2. Season?
spring

3. Book?
oh geez... Eat Pray Love moved its way up. The classics include Wuthering Heights and Pride and Prejudice

4. Color?
all of them

5. Food?
bananas

6. Drink?
coffee

9. Pen color?
doesnt' matter

10. Store?
ummm probably the grocery store...
__________________________________________________________

Chapter 4:
DO YOU

1.Write on your hand?
no, dad scared me out of doing that when i was younger

2. Call people back?
eh... no not usually. oops.

3. Believe in love?
yes to love. absolutely.

4. Sleep on a certain side of the bed?
yeah, the outer side
___________________________________________________________

Chapter 5:

HAVE Y0U?

1. Kissed Someone in the past 48 hours?
kensington, on the cheek. we're so european.

2. If so...where?
see #1

3. Have you ever had PHYSICAL therapy?
nope

4. Gotten surgery?
yep

5. Taken painkillers?
yeah, doctors orders only.

#6 removed.

7. Been stung by a bee?
not to my recollection

8. Threw up in a doctors office:
very likely
_____________________________________________

Chapter 6:
Who/what was the last:

2. Person to text you?
chris c.

3. Thing you touched?
i went *pat pat* to oliver's head.

5. Thing you said?
"I can't see when you stand in front of my computer like that" to oliver. shoulda never *pat pat*ed him

7. Person you hugged?
kensington

8. Person you talked to on the phone?
chris c.

11. Last book you read?
just finished Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert, now i'm almost done with Anne Lamott's Traveling Mercies

12. Last time you cleaned your room?
i vacuumed today, if that counts, but only because i broke glass on the floor
____________________________________________

Chapter 7:
Random:

2. What's the most exciting thing that happened to you today?
things fell into place conveniently in a way that lessens my stress load while preparing to go back to st. louis next week

3. How many best friends do you have?
three

4.Who do you love?
i'm not picky. it's easier to love everyone than it is to not.

5. What's on your bedroom floor?
lots of stuff, clothes, and oliver's fur balls

6. Who was the last person you got into an argument with?
oh geez. i don't argue much ever anymore.

7. Do you trust people easily?
yeah.

8. If you could move away, no questions asked, where would you move to?
i'd pick between spokane, washington, boulder colorado and somewhere in montana. or wyoming. hmmm...

9. Do you think you're good looking?
in general, i understand that my appearance is more socially accepted than others'

10.Could you go a day without eating?
i don't think so

11. How much do looks matter to you?
my looks? or others? the answers are different.

12. How do you feel about P.D.A.?
i'd rather not see you exchange bodily fluids w/ anyone in pubic.

13. When was the last time you had your hair cut?
... march 2008

14. Does it take a lot to make you cry?
no way. i'll cry for anything

15. What's the worst car accident you've ever been in?
before senior year of hs, got hit head on by a truck

17. Do you tell your parents everything?
no but i don't withhold things either

18. Would you rather be a bird or a fish?
a bird used to be a fish, so the answer doesn't matter

19. If you need to go to the store a block away, do you walk or drive?
well i'd rather walk, but evv is not so pedestrian or biker friendly. at any rate, the store is not a block away from me.

20. Does the thought of marriage scare you?
no

21. How many kids do you want?
right now, none.

22. Whats your favorite color to wear?
i wear a lot of black for work and for yoga

23. Who was the last person in your bedroom besides you?
probably Noah

24. What are you doing today?
the day's over. but today i worked and ran some errands and taught yoga. tomorrow i'm working and then meeting holly and cass for thai food.

25. What would you do if you found a dinosaur egg?
call pbs and see if i couldn't get myself on NOVA or something

26. Do you get bored easily?
restless, mostly. it's hard to get bored bc i have a hard time sitting still

27. Did you ever want to change your name when you were younger?
yeah, laura and i made honest efforts

28. Do you wish you were famous?
there are better things to spend my wishes on

29. What do you do to your eyebrows?
let them get disgusting and unwieldy, spend an hour plucking, repeat.

30. Who's the last text message you received from?
chris c.

31. How do you like your steak cooked?
rare, and by rare i mean, do not kill and eat the cow in the first place.

32. Have you ever been in a cave?
meramac caverns in stl

33. Have you ever eaten a bug?
accidentally, i'm sure

34. Do you think there is someone for everyone?
someone for everyone and everyone for someone. we're all for each other at the end of the day.

Loss

2009-04-29T15:42:00.005-05:00

I did not come upon my belief that God lives in me, in all of us, without reason. I have had experiences in my life that tell me it is so.

Recently, during savasana, at the end of a yoga class, as I was lying there, concentrating on quieting my mind, I received a thought. I say I received it because, while it was in my head, it was decidedly not a thought I conjured up myself. But it was Heard. The thought was this: I have not experienced a great deal of tragic loss in my life. Not since my grandmother died, and even then I was so young that I could hardly understand what was happening around me. The thought continued: I have not experienced a great deal of tragic loss in my life, for that I have been lucky but it is time to ready my mind for loss. This is not something to which I can continue to be immune.

A couple of days later, Laura and I were talking about this after she told me of someone else's tragic loss. We talked about loss some, and tragedy and tried our best to understand what is not understandable: Why a person would take their own life. It was during this time, these days, that I was was discovering an awakening of my spiritual self. I felt the energy of life, of Earth, of God. There is so much love to give and receive.

Today I got news from my mother than one of my cousins, the same age as my sister and I, appears to have taken his own life in the night. This cousin lived in our house for a while when we were younger. We played Peter Pan in a makeshift bedroom in our basement. Later they moved to Alabama.

Not being a mother myself, I can never begin to understand the pain of losing one's youngest child. Being a sister, I shiver at the mere idea of.... I can't even bring myself to say it... it hurts too much to even consider.

In the midst of this tragedy, I find myself grateful for the timing of the Universe. I am grateful to have faith in something greater than myself. I am grateful for the things I have learned throughout the last 8 months. I find solice knowing and believing that Johnny will never be gone from our lives, that he can never truly be gone. For he will be returned to the Earth, from whence he came. He will grow up once more- as soil, as nutrients, as a beautiful flower. He will continue to give to the Earth. He will be in the air that we breathe and in the rain that will fall. He will never be gone.

"From my rotting body, flowers shall grow and I am in them and that is eternity." Edvard Munch

"Believe not god is in your heart, child/ but rather you're in the heart of God." Jason Mraz

Rest In Peace, Johnny.

Thoughts on God

2009-04-27T10:36:00.003-05:00

I was raised Catholic. At best, we were pretty fair-weather Catholics. We attended mass on the occasional Sunday morning, but made sure to never miss an Easter service or Midnight Mass. My sister and I attended Public School Religion classes every Tuesday night until we were in middle school. I always struggled with my Catholicism. I always felt like a fraud in church. I never felt God, who I had been taught was separate from me. It pained me that I wasn’t touched by faith. Oh, how I wanted to have faith. In my youth, I never quite imagined there could be another path to God than the one presented before me. To say I worried about this is an understatement. If there was just this one way, and I couldn’t find myself on it… what would become of me? True to my own form, I spent a lot of time simply not thinking about my situation. I became apathetic, with a now-and-again spurt of religious fervor. The summer before my senior year of high school was one of these times. I fell in with a small crowd of peers who were active in their Catholic faith, and because I was both impressionable and, on a certain level, still desperate to feel God and have a faith of my own, I became slightly more dedicated to my religion. I started attending church on Sundays again and at the end of the summer, I went on a retreat with the youth group to Denver, Colorado. This was the first time I experienced God and Love. During this retreat, I felt emotions I had never known. I remember collapsing into weeping episodes that I couldn’t explain. I even stood up and committed myself to Jesus. I was saved.

The day that I got back from the retreat, I was with my friend, driving to go see my Mother for the first time in a week and we were in a car accident. I spent a couple nights in the hospital for observation. As if that weren’t enough for my poor soul, while in the hospital, the doctors found, completely unrelated to this accident, a tumor along my spine. With the utmost compassion and professionalism ever seen in the history of medicinal care, the young doctor who was assigned my case immediately informed me upon discovering said tumor that it was almost certainly a rare form of cancer, absolutely without a cure, and that more than likely, my short time on earth would be soon coming to an end. Then, after I, the 17 year old who had just come from telling God that she was His, that Jesus was her savior, spent a night lying awake in a hospital room, experiencing her mortality for the first time, the doctor returned with the news that what I had in my body was actually a benign tumor known as a Schwannoma. Essentially, an overgrowth of nerve cells and nothing more, easily taken care of with a simple surgery. No cancer, no dying just yet. (My thoughts on the American health care system to come a later point in time…) At any rate, what I’ll say about this ordeal and my faith as a 17 year old is that you could just go ahead and stuff your theories about “This is God’s test” where the sun don’t shine. I wasn’t having it. I gave my heart to You and this—THIS—is how you repay me? Commence the Dark Years.

Bitter doesn’t quite begin to describe my feelings toward God after this. In fact, I went staunchly in the opposite direction—as close to atheism as one can get without actually saying it. As it were, I don’t think I was ever an atheist, even if I had ever claimed to be one. Over time, I calmed down quite a bit and found what I considered to be a happy medium known as agnosticism. To this day, I don’t think it was an illogical mindset, and I fully understand the questions and concerns of the agnostic. What I eventually decided was that I just didn’t know. And what’s more, I had no way of ever knowing. Who was I but one little person. If there was a God, then He was so vast and huge and way beyond anything I’d ever have the capacity to understand or know. And at that time, that was just fine with me.

There were both good and bad reasons that led me to agnosticism. Commencing with the latter, I grew up seeing attending church as an obligation and subsequently, I saw God as an obligation, a chore at best, and achingly boring (even during my Religious Summer, attending church services each week was a test of my strength). Furthermore, I was raised with the idea that God was some Being outside of myself, of whom I should be fearful of and to whom I should spend my days begging to forgive me for all the wretched sins I committed throughout each passing day and please, please, please when I get to the pearly gates don’t send me away to the depths of hell for all of eternity. I remember thinking that God, if there was one, couldn’t possibly be so temperamental, so punishing and so full of wrath. Even before I reached the age of 10, I explicitly remember thinking that God (again, if there was one) couldn’t be anything other than Love. Allow me a pause here to note that I am not bashing Catholicism or Christianity, as I would discover later, it's just that I came to understand it just simply was not the path for me, personally. This in no way means to say either are a less valid path to realizing God.

And there was also the good (or at least, what I see as good). From the things that I found negative, I established my own idea of “religion.” I developed the belief that church was not necessary to express your devotion to God (ITWO). I thought, “If I really love and believe in God, then I don’t need to go to church to express that love.”

Next, I allowed myself to develop an interest in how other people, cultures, religions devoted themselves to God. I opened my eyes to other possibilities. The summer before I went away to college, I became enthralled by Hinduism. This is where I was first introduced to Yoga. I loved the openness of the religion, the way you could practically cherry pick the things that worked for you, the deity that helped guide you to God, the prayers you chose, the way you prayed, etc etc. This was also my first introduction to the idea that God was not a Being outside of myself, that God was in me, that God was Me—that God was Love.

To make a long essay slightly less long and boring, I spent the next 5 and a half years simultaneously in love with the Hindu religion, and subsequently parlayed that into a love of Buddhism, which, being itself a spiritual philosophy, satisfied the part of me that still harbored a “thing” against any form of organized religion. But I still maintained my agnosticism. The rest then, is history, and if you’ve read my blogs at all, or know me, then you know my struggles in between then and now and how I came to where I am in my life- my dedication to yoga and the new eyes through which I see the world.

Why am I telling you this? (And jiminey- thank you if you’ve stuck with me thus far through my tale. I did NOT think it would be this long. If you’re still here- stick with me! I think I’m almost done.) I’m telling you this because one day a couple of weeks ago, I was milling about in my kitchen, making a batch of soup and, suddenly, like I had been slapped across the face— or maybe in this case, gently tapped on the heart—I felt my faith again. Without a doubt, to the point that just writing this sentence brings a knot to my throat that makes me want to cry with joy, with wonder, with love, I have faith in God. I mean… God. A word that I have struggled to reconcile myself with for so many years. Even at the beginning of my Yoga journey and self-transformation, the best I could offer up was the word Energy to explain everything, just so I didn’t have to say the G word. But I’m sorry (ha! no I’m not!)—God is alive and well inside of me. Oh, and I can feel it. I can feel the Love. It’s ready to burst right out of me. I have felt the call lately to take up my sitting meditation again. To rise with the sun and sit with God. Suddenly, with everything I do, I find myself thinking unconsciously, “I can be with God right now.” That mantra alone, fills me with love and contentment and unity with the world.

I have finally released my old emotions, and the old connotations that I had toward God, the word. I am embracing divinity. Never in my life have I honestly had as much faith as I do in this moment. I am certain that God is inside of me, that the universe is working with me, that when I send out my intention and my prayer that it is being heard and not only considered, but put into action. And if God is inside of me, then God is not beyond my reach, like I imagined was the case as an agnostic. I can know and realize God.

And, oh, how I want to know God and how I am going to put so much energy into knowing God (and consequently, knowing myself.) There is too much in the way that my life has changed in the past 2 years, or even in the past 7 months to deny that God is not providing for me. When I have broken down and screamed in my head that I could take it no longer, the Universe, with it’s never-ending charity, generously gave to me the strength and the direction. When I was aimless and exhausted from a lack of inspiration, overwhelmed by trying to choose a path for myself, there was God, answering my prayer and showing me the way.

It’s not that I believe in leaving it all up to God and letting everything just happen. No. In fact, I believe that it is equal parts God’s charity, and my elbow grease. God is in me, the resolution is in me. It’s a matter of tuning into my Truth, practicing and training my ear to acutely hear the answer coming from Me, not the answer coming from my ego, who is a workaholic and constantly aims to undermine the work I’ve done (who is even at this moment audible in the background, jumping up and down and saying, “Do you hear yourself? You sound like a kook! No, listen to me! I’m the rational one! Faith isn’t rational and therefore can’t be trusted! No, listen to me!”). Faith, by its very nature, is not rational, or else it would not be faith. So all I can say now is that I’m done trying to sound rational or logical about faith. Because God’s talking to me, and I’ve got no interest in only listening half the time and defending myself (to who, anyway?) the rest of the time. No more. God’s got my undivided attention.

Meme

2009-04-22T20:50:00.003-05:00

I refuse to let Facebook turn into Myspace by posting and reposting viral surveys. However, I was tagged by Kensington and I do so love to talk about myself. If you're reading this and you have a blog, or a Facebook account, consider yourself tagged.

Therefore, I present to you: Jennology

***********FOODOLOGY******

*********
What is your salad dressing of choice?
balsamic vinegarette or honey mustard

What is your favorite sit-down restaurant?
thai papaya

What food could you eat every day for two weeks and not get sick of?
bananas

What are your pizza toppings of choice?
hit me with all the veggies minus the olives.

What do you like to put on your toast?
peanut butter and honey

***********TECHNOLOGY***************
How many televisions are in your house?
1

What color cell phone do you have?
it's green and silver. it's a motorola renew- totally carbon neutral cell phone!

Do you have an Ipod?
yep, my momma got me an ipod mini before i went to france

***************BIOLOGY******************
Are you right-handed or left-handed?
right handed

Have you ever had anything removed from your body?
a schwannoma removed from my spine

What is the last heavy item you lifted?
probably something at starbucks, while unloading the truck

Have you ever been knocked unconscious?
no

************BULLCRAPOLOGY**************
If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die?
absolutely not

If you could change your name, what would you change it to?
i wouldn't. just today i told someone that if i ever get married my husband will have to either have the last name starting with N, so i can hyphenate, or settle for the fact that i'm keeping my last name so i can preserve my clever initials: j.e.n.

Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1000?
it'd prob be easier and quicker to list the things i would NOT do for $1k

************DUMBOLOGY******************
How many pairs of flip flops do you own?
many, many. although lately i am more attached to my birkenstocks. my feet stay cleaner, and being true birks, they are much nicer to my feet and less stress-fracture-returning than flops.

Last time you had a run-in with the cops?
i guess it was when i got my speeding ticket last october or november. whenever that was.

Last person you talked to?
erin

Last person you hugged?
stephanie, at hallmark

**************FAVORITOLOGY****************
Season?
i like the transitional seasons, spring and fall.

Holiday?
thanksgiving

Day of the week?
either mondays or wednesdays, i guess. although i'll admit i have a hard time seeing days of the week in a one's-better-than-six-others kind of way.

Month?
sort of goes the same for months as it did for days but just for cooperation's sake, april.

***********CURRENTOLOGY*****************

Missing someone?
a couple someones, in the way one constantly misses their great friends but lives fully despite this fact.

Mood?
calm.

What are you listening to?
Alone Apart by Marketta Irglova on my Glen Hansard Pandora station.

Watching?
the magic of letters appearing on a computer screen as my fingers tap tap at corresponding keys on the keyboard

Worrying about?
"same as usual" - this is kensington's answer and i'm keeping it.

***************RANDOMOLOGY*****************
First place you went this morning?
the kitchen to start a pot of coffee

What's the last movie you saw?
17 again... don't judge me for liking it a little and maybe having a crush on zac efron now

Do you smile often?
several times daily

Sleeping Alone Tonight?
if i'm lucky a kitten named lily will come keep me company before too long

***************OTHER-OLOGY*****************
Do you always answer your phone?
no way. i'm a screener.

Its four in the morning and you get a text message, who is it?
twitter or someone who wants to test my love for them by texting when they know full well i am asleep and will be angry if i get woken up, which actually will not happen because my phone never leaves 'vibrate' setting and goes on the floor at night so that it will not disturb me and i can maintain all desired relationships with folks.

If you could change your eye color what would it be?
i like the eye color i come with now.

If you could change any drink flavor at sonic what would it be?
i don't go to sonic, so i have no idea how to answer this question

Do you own a digital camera?
yes, and it is full of pictures of my kittens, lily and fat olly

have you ever owned a fish?
several beta fish: ion, zen and then petit chou.

Favorite Christmas song(s)
ave maria by harry connick jr, do you hear what i hear by carrie underwood (gives me chills everytime) and mary's boy child by boney m.

What's on your wish list for your birthday?
i just had my birthday, but i didn't really have a wishlist. i am using bday money to get a new tattoo though.

Can you do push ups?
i can come down with lots of control and straight, but i have a harder time coming back up and not leading with my hips.... you didn't care about the physiology of my push up, but i think about it daily in yoga.

Can you do a chin up?
ha, i'd try if no one was looking, maybe.

Does the future make you nervous or excited?
both

Do you have any saved texts?
yes, i don't delete until my phone says i have to bc of memory.

Ever been in a car wreck?
yeah

Do you have an accent?
we all have accents somewhere

What is the last song to make you cry?
om sanctuary, it's both a cd and song. well technically it's a seventy minute long song.

Plans tonight?
you're reading 'em

Have you ever felt like you hit rock bottom?
i think we all do at some point

Name 3 things you bought yesterday.
i don't think i bought anything at all yesterday

Have you ever been given roses?
once, by my parents

Current worry?
always money

Current hate right now?
hate's not something i do.

Met someone who changed your life?
absolutely

How will you spend summer?
teaching yoga, experiencing new yoga, making people gourmet coffee beverages and traveling some as well.

What song represents you?
angel's prayer by ty burhoe

Name three people who might complete this.
oh heavens, i don't know who might maybe do this besides laura.

Would you go back in time if you were given the chance?
not back in time as in, to revisit my own past, but i'd sure love to hang out in the 60s some.

Have you ever dated someone longer than a year?
yes

Do you have any piercings/tattoos?
6 tattoos, 1 on the way and 1 nose piercing

Will you be in a relationship 4 months from now?
i have no way of knowing this

Does anyone love you?
luckily, yes!

Would you be a pirate?
in light of recent current events, i feel this question is sort of off-color. however, my answer is no. i can't hold rum quite like i used to.

What songs do you sing in the shower?
none, i listen to NPR

Ever had someone sing to you?
awk-fest

When did you last cry?
today, watching a video on youtube about the Earth, and no i'm not embarassed by this fact.

Do you like to cuddle?
surely

Have you held hands with anyone today?
no

Who was the last person you took a picture of?
lily

What kind of music did you listen to in elementary school?
i was a full on teeny bopper

Do you believe in staying close with your ex's/prospects?
the grammar here is confusing me. my ex's prospects or my exes and my prospects?

Are most of the friends in your life new or old?
a happy mixture of both

Do you like pulpy orange juice?
yeah. the pulp is good for you.

What is something your friends make fun of you for?
being a tree-hugging hippie

Living Dharma- Self Titled Blog

2009-04-13T07:57:00.003-05:00

I just finished reading the latest blog from the Yarn Harlot, entitled "Bridge." In it, she describes her disdain for transitions. Specifically, she talks about traveling from one place to the next and the emotional and physical upheavals into which she is thrown. It struck me as interesting because late last year I wrote a blog with a similar emphasis on travel, except I took the opposite stance, describing what I loved about leaving places.

So as I was reading I started thinking about how much I enjoy the transition, the excitement of something different, the excitement of the upheaval, and furthermore, how I tend to struggle instead with readjusting once I have arrived and then maintaining a level of excitement once I am rooted.

For me, I feel as though the journey, the transition is the greatest part. There is something about having only exactly what I need, the bare minimum upon which I can survive, the supreme detachment to all of my stuff and then embarking on an adventure. It's here that I can learn the most about myself because myself (or, you could say, my Self) is all I have. It feels like I'm living Truth. This, for me, is what life is about. The journey, the adventure, the learning, the revelation.

It is when I arrive that I am most thrown off guard. What do I do at the destination? Sometimes it feels as though I've forgotten why I initially intended to travel, having gleaned something I often feel is absolutely greater than I what I set out for in the first place. So I am there, and I have new information and new eyes. It would appear that I may never find myself lost while traveling, but may instead have no idea where I am when I arrive. Where do I set my things down? How do I interact with others? And generally, riding the Traveler's High, I generally am thinking, When do we get to do it again?

So it's safe to say I am not always most comfortable with the settling period. (Oh, by the way, if you haven't caught on yet, I'm so very not talking simply about literal travel anymore...) Eventually, however, I do. And the next thing that comes is the attempts to stay excited about where I am. You could say I sometimes may confuse the word "stable" for "stagnant." It happens in yoga ("When will my next 'aha' moment be?!"), it happens in my life ("This daily routine feels like I'm stuck in a hamster wheel!").

As I'm writing and reading here, I am now able to see that the difference here is awareness and mindfulness of the present moment. In one situation- when I travel and experience detachment- I am fully alive. I am aware only of the present moment. In the other situation- when I am settled and becoming more attached to things or stuff or what have you- I am distracted and I lose this awareness.

Last night I had dinner with a friend and we had an extended conversation about balance and the middle path. As we talked about things happening in our lives, and the issues that were most important to us presently, we realized that at the core of every issue, we were trying to find the center between to poles. It seems that in this life we are always attempting to find balance. How can I be nice and not a pushover? Stern but not a bitch? How may I follow my heart and my own path without disregarding the feelings of others? How may I find myself both rooted and detached?

If I could find a way to see my life as the ceaseless journey it truly is, I could be fully aware and alive. There is no hamster wheel! Every moment is an 'aha!' moment!

Incidentally, I have just gone on the journey of this blog. I have traveled and explored. I have arrived at a destination, and I am lost. Now what? Now that I have gained some insight for myself, how do I apply it? How do I use it without overwhelming myself? At the end of yoga class we have 10 minutes lying in Savasana for deep relaxation, to let our practice sink in. Yet again, yoga gives us tools for real life applications of this new knowledge... My mind just did a really intense yoga practice and needs some Savasana.

I'm on to something here, I know it. It's something I need to meditate on. It's part of this transformation. I call my blog Living Dharma for a reason. I can find this middle path, or walk a lot closer to it on a more regular basis. I get closer every day and am grateful to think of myself as I was 2 years ago, 1 year ago, heck, 2 months ago and know that I get closer every day.

Time to Travel

2009-04-07T22:06:00.002-05:00

I wish I could blog something these days.

I want to express myself. I want to be inspired to write something. I'm not so busy I don't have time to blog. I'm blocked. I can feel something inside of me that wants to come out, but it hasn't made itself clear to me.

This scenario is playing out in other aspects of my life. I've been partaking in some energy work recently, to unblock channels in my body, especially in my hips and lower abdomen, where I tend to hold my tension. And don't we all know about hips right? Since my last session with my energy worker, I have been pretty emotional, to either end of the spectrum and back. Crying in the middle of yoga class, or needlessly outraged because I've been minorly inconvenienced. My patience has absolutely gone out the window. And Universe, please forgive me for these days I've spent backtracking through my work on compassion. Honestly, I feel a bit like I need an exorcism. This energy is waking up inside me and I'm adjusting to it slowly. I see this opportunity as one to discover new things about myself, my body, and as an opportunity to cleanse and find genuine purity in my life.

Part of me is frightened of what I'm going to meet the more I focus on it. Things I thought I'd laid to rest? Things I hoped to never come up against again? Things that may completely blindside me?

So it's safe to say there's some fear, or maybe apprehension is a better word for it. But here's what I know: tonight, I was engaged in a rather dull, yet somewhat cathartic activity at work. Despite it being a task I considered pretty mind numbing, I found myself intensely present in despite of that. Of course, it's only in these moments of Quiet, wherever we happen to find them, that we are able to Hear. And that's when I heard. I am on the brink of something here. Something major. There is a transformation going on in and around me. I don't know what it consists of and I don't know where it's leading me. But what I heard was that it is big and it is good. Far outweighing my apprehensions is this overwhelming sense of peace, sense of calm. That wonderful feeling of knowing I'll be taken care of by the Universe. It's what I can only describe as true Faith.

What I'm conscious of is that the road may be rocky, but I'm headed in the right direction. I was never one to take the easy path, anyway.

So just in case you wonder where I've gone, I'm on a journey at present, and I'll be sending postcards along the way...

playtime

2009-03-28T10:14:00.001-05:00

Do you know what we did in yoga class this afternoon?

We laughed. We laughed so much we were all crying.

Sometimes in yoga we deal with "serious" issues. That's to say, we deal with an exploration of ourselves, of our emotions. We learn to feel complete despite our "imperfections." We learn to survive, in a sense. Think about it... for some of us, yoga is what's helped us get past some serious mental ordeals!

And so for me, it's a truth that I take yoga seriously. Besides that self exploration and awareness that has been so essential to my health, my dedication to my practice and desire to teach have lead me to be a pretty serious yogini. It's safe to say that yoga means a lot to me and I am certainly no fairweather fan.

Of course, I have fun in class. Everyday I enjoy myself, otherwise I wouldn't keep coming back. But today, I was gently reminded that yoga is not always meant to be so serious. In fact, it is just as playful as it is introverted!

Incidentally, my plan today was not to go to the lunchtime class, but something came up and I decided to attend that class instead of my normal, Friday night class. As soon as I sat down on my mat and started to center myself, I just knew that my change in plans was so perfect and the afternoon class was where I was meant to be. I didn't know why, or how, but I knew that I was exactly where I was supposed to be and that something good was going to happen while I was there.

It began by class getting a late start because those of us there, and the instructor, were a bunch of Chatty Cathies. And then we all came to a group decision (there were only 3 of us in class besides our instructor) that we'd work on some inversions. So when the time came we all started playing with forearm stand and the like. And at that point it ceased to be a stereotypical yoga class. Instead we were all talking, and trying things out and asking questions. We'd stop and listen as we gained education about the intricacies of our bodies and our poses. We were learning together and experimenting. We do this in all of our classes, to an extent, I think, but today was different. Truly the only word I could use to describe this today was "playful." We were playing! I haven't felt like that since I was a little kid!

It felt so freeing to just throw everything out there and feel absolutely no regret or embarassment if something didn't work. We were giggling and sometimes toppling over and then maybe we'd get it and we'd be cheering a little too. It was so fun. And the laughter.... If you could've experienced the laughter with us... Red faced and tears in our eyes. Absolutely, the lightest hearts in the midwest were sitting in EYC West today.

At one point I remember being overwhelmed with gratitude. This is my life. How lucky am I that I am making a living (or will be someday!) playing?! Incredibly so.

It was also nice to have that little reminder that, yes... yoga can bring is to deal with serious issues, but also, at the end of the day, yoga is simply fun and playful. It's about playing and exploring and being curious and just trying, completely unattached to the results.

Friends, I believe I tasted Freedom today.

downtown evansville

2009-03-19T16:05:00.004-05:00

i used to think i was a big-city girl. but now i live in a big-little city in the midwest. we don't have lots of stuff, but what we have what we need. (okay, i'd still argue the case for more legitimate nature, but other than that, we're golden.) where i live is actually quite pretty. whenever i go wandering around downtown, i imagine what this place was like in another era and i feel very certain that i would've quite loved it then too.

Tree. Friend.

2009-03-18T12:27:00.006-05:00

I went to Wesselman's Wildlife Nature Preserve this morning to enjoy the weather and ground myself just a little. As I was walking, I thought to myself, "Everything is still dead. It will be so pretty when things are in bloom again." I looked down and saw this.

Touchée, Mother Nature. Touchée. Nothing is dead. Everything is alive and blooming and beautiful in it's rarity right now.

Further along the walking trail, I came across this section of a tree trunk laying on the ground. I was drawn to him for whatever reason. I got this feeling that I might have known him. So we sat together, quitely for a while. We shared our stories. I told him mine and he told me his. I realized they were the same.

I put my hands on him and I felt the pulse of my energy, of his energy and of life energy. All at once, there was no difference in these energies. We were the same, one pulse beating in time.

I left my friend there, in the woods, and as I walked away I wondered if we'd ever meet again or if our acquaintance was one that was not meant to be repeated. Like many other questions in this life, I don't have the answer and that is okay. I found joy in having known him for a short time. And that is enough.

i named her kali

2009-03-12T12:57:00.004-05:00

This is my first dread. The website said you should name it. I have named her Kali. I'm thinking about giving her friends.

Lots of them.

A whole head of them.

Opinions appreciated.

i have the power

2009-03-11T10:22:00.002-05:00

i just taught my third yoga class ever in life. it was a great morning class with 3 students, one of them totally new to the studio, but not new to yoga. my first two classes went perfectly fine. but there was something about this class today, that, as i was going through the asanas, i just felt this vibe. i remember thinking, "man, this is a good class." i thought it could've just been me, but i was feeling an energy. i felt like we were all getting a challenge, building heat, doing good things and doing them together.

then, at the end of class, as everyone was settling back into seated postures and i was preparing to read a thought for the day, i met eyes with one of the girls in the class. at that moment, the realization that it wasn't just me that had felt that vibe. afterwards, she came up to me and said, "that was just the best class!" and then proceeded to list all the things that she thought were interesting, different and that she had enjoyed.

i know this is partly ego driven, but my heart has swollen to ten times its original size. (think, "they like me, they really like me!") but another part of why this makes me so, so rapturous is the reason why i wanted to teach yoga in the first place. i have said before that if i could just make one person feel for a fraction of a second what i have felt from doing yoga, then i would have done the greatest good and completed my purpose. three classes in and it seems to have happened! i am so filled with love for yoga and for the students and for everything right now. this is why i'm sharing yoga. to know that i have the ability to open people up to that feeling, to be able to guide them to that feeling... it is miraculous.

i am so fulfilled. i certainly enjoyed the compliment but more than anything, i feel as though i've never given so much back to the world, the universe, life as i am giving right now and it. feels. good. giving joy, giving optimism, giving an open mind... when before i only thought i had the power, i know now i do have the power. just like knowing that there is peace inside of me, that there is strength, that there is radical self-acceptance, there is this ability too. all i have to do is call upon it, share it, send it outward.

it feels to me as though this is the culmination of all the inner work i have done (and continue to do). finally, i have done enough work that i may shine my light outward. i never would've imagined that shining it outward would feel so, so wonderful.

this is a good day.

twitter can't support this kind of update

2009-02-25T20:32:00.003-06:00

I've got a little down time tonight so I thought I'd take the opportunity to fill my pals in on the latest Jenny-related news.

This past weekend was the retreat in New Harmony, "Stressed Out to Blessed Out," hosted by one of my most respected yoga instructors, Stacey Shanks, and the wonderful and amazing (did I mention Martha Beck certified life coach) Susan Hyatt. I spent the weekend with these 2 women as well as 10 others and we talked about making our lives everything they deserved to be, replacing our negative thoughts with positive ones; we did yoga; we made art with the help of the fantastic Laura Mitchell and we got massages from the magnificent Joy Timmons. It was a truly inspiring and empowering weekend and it was exactly what I needed.

I was given the opportunity to sit down and really think about how to take on my goals for my life and make them less dream, more reality. I'm very happy with the outcome and I'd like to share it with you all.

Obviously, my main goal is to be able to support myself solely by teaching yoga. What I hadn't thought about was taking my yoga outside of the studio. Absolutely, studio teaching is something I want to do, I love a good, physical class and I love the community we have at EYC, but with the help of Susan, I was able to begin thinking outside of the box. She asked me, who would I most like to offer yoga to, if I could offer it to absolutely anyone. It was about then that I knew: I need to reach out to girls who have been affected by body image issues and eating disorders. Suddenly the reason for that period of my life became clear. (Incidentally, this became even more clear to me today when I went hiking with my friend Beth, who is also a yoga teacher, and we were talking about our similar experiences and I mentioned to her that I sometimes felt like a "fraud" with my ED because I didn't have it nearly as bad as other girls- and guys - do. Because I was able to catch myself before it had gone too far, because I had an easier recovery, I thought I was just lucky. The more I think about it though, the more I have come to realize that my struggle was just enough for me to be given the tools to go out into the world and help girls in the same position as I was.)

I have already taken some steps in the direction of making this happen and will continue to do so. I want to help people, through yoga, who need to reestablish their mind-body connection. I want to host classes and I want to host retreats. This is also the reason I established my new blog, Off the Beaten Mat (which, by the way, has it's first official, new post up at this time). I post a lot of my blogs on the Yoga Journal community page as well and have gotten some very affirming feedback from the people there. By way of my blog, I hope to be able to shed some light on the mental transformations that we experience when we practice yoga.

Those are my next moves "career"wise/ business wise. I am convinced I can turn these ideas into something great, something needed and useful in Evansville.

Also, March 7th is my first official day as a yoga instructor. Chris has given me the Saturday morning class on the East side of town. I'm also substitute teaching for her and Stacey several times in March and tomorrow I'm giving a private session to one of my Starbucks coworkers, trying to help her in her efforts to quit smoking, so I will be getting lots of teaching time in! There has also been mention of organizing and co-hosting a couple of workshops and/or retreats at the studio. All of this plus I'm still doing the Starbucks/Hallmark thing and trying to fit in time for a new hobby: hiking.

It's a busy life down here in Indiana, but I'll tell you what, it's exactly the life I've always wanted for myself.

Introducing: Off the Beaten Mat

2009-02-23T14:51:00.003-06:00

If days were longer I'd give you a fantastic rundown of what my weekend retreat was like, but alas, they are not and I cannot. Suffice it to say that a lot of great work was done and decisions about my life and life's purpose were made. On that note, I'd like to formally introduce the creation of my newest blog: Off the Beaten Mat

That blog is going to be my more philosophical/meditational/motivational/yogic-al one, and Living Dharma will be more personal and about day to day things. (Hopefully this means I'll update more...?) (This also means you can expect, at some point, an explanation for all of this blog changing and the recap of the weekend, too.)

I'm starting it off with some of my older posts that I had put on here until I have time to actually write the newest blog, which is in development as we speak.

I'm really excited about sharing my plans and putting them into action, as well!

Namaste'

stretch and strengthen

2009-02-17T11:16:00.002-06:00

A lot of things about me have changed since I began doing yoga at EYC about 6 months ago. Physically and mentally, I am a stronger person than I have ever been. I am more forgiving to myself, am quicker to recognize hurtful thought patterns and have a progressively easier time reminding myself about that which is my Truth.

I have stretched and strengthened more than muscles, but also my mind. I am more open to new ideas than I have ever been. It's been years since I said with any morsel of true faith that I believe in a higher power and now I say it proudly and, what's more, I feel it with all of my being. I have developed more than just physical flexibility. Now I find it easier to adapt to changing situations, to get in where I fit in, to deal with situations as they occur rather than ignoring them and fighting with the emotions they bring up.

But perhaps one of the most remarkable changes in myself that I noticed was the stretching and strengthening of my compassion towards others. I was known in the past as a very sarcastic person. I've got it in me to be condescending and stuck up. I spent a lot of time with a "holier-than-thou" mentality. But two things happened to begin changing this in me. (It's still in the process too-- don't be mistaken and think that I'm saying I'm Mother Theresa over here. In fact, the reason I'm writing about this now is because of recent struggles with compassion.) The first was my yoga practice. The second is thanks to the novels by the YA author and beloved Nerdfighter, John Green, who themes his works around the idea of imagining other people as complex beings and not just props and scenery outside of ourselves. As I got deeper into it and began to understand more about the energies flowing throughout the earth and the power of love and gratitude and kindness, I softened. During our asana practice, it's important to be soft in all of our poses. Even if it's a powerful pose and takes concentration and strength and we feel ourselves tighten on that edge, we must find the softness. And so did my heart find that softness. I found myself considering the feelings of others more. I became more aware of how what I said or did may have the power to either help or harm someone and I gradually, and unconsciously, began straying from the behaviors that may hurt others.

For instance, without meaning to, I began cursing less. Me. Who loved to throw out the F-bombs and other powerful, almost pornographic words with astonishing frequency. Also without knowingly doing so, I gradually left my sarcastic nature behind me. It didn't give me anything to feel good about to be insulting or belittling to others. Then I started noticing a pang of guilt when I said something judgemental about someone. This has become something that I am making a conscious effort to control. (Also, let me say that it's not that I've become uptight. There's good-natured ribbing and joking with friends and then there's the behaviors that I was engaging in. They're totally different and it's the latter that I am trying to more fully release.)

The more I've come to understand ideas of interconnectedness and unity of life, I've realized that these negative behaviors hurt me too. When we consider that we are one, everything is part of the same whole, and I am hurtful to another, then I am hurtful to myself. I am more fulfilled when I honor others and respect them.

Lately I have felt that I haven't been so true to these ideals as I should like to be. I've consciously engaged in negative behaviors and sent forth negative thoughts to others simply because that is what the company by which I was surrounded was doing. I took their cue. My mind and my mouth were saying two different things. My mouth uttered negativities and my mind watched in silent disgust. And I felt badly because I knew that the things I said were not me. I am not that person any longer.

Thus, I've got a new yoga practice to work on right now. I am going to continue to stretch and strengthen my compassion towards others and remain true to myself, for mine is a quest for truth, peace and honor.

the case for rain

2009-02-10T15:04:00.003-06:00

“The gentle spring rain permeates the soil of my soul. A seed that has lain deeply in the earth for many years just smiles.” -Thich Nhat Hanh

Have you ever thought about how frightened we seem to be of the rain? It rains and we blame it for our bad mood. We run for cover, seemingly convinced we might melt if a rain drop should touch us. We hide from it, stay in doors and even in bed, as though low clouds and water have turned us into bed-ridden wretches.

This morning, after yoga, I said to our instructor Stacey that it was a shame it was raining because I had wanted to go for a walk. Stacey replied, "Oh don't let that stop you! It's just a little rain." I said, "You know, you're right! We didn't always have shelter from the rain, did we?" And I began wondering, why are we so scared of the rain? Of getting wet?

Last summer, when I was just beginning my yoga journey, I read a few of Thich Nhat Hanh's books in succession. He often talked about the rain and the clouds when he talked about oneness. He drove home the point that we are the same as the rain. The rain falls from the sky, feeds the soil, brings us the food that we eat, the air that we breath. And when we die and return to the earth, our bodies break down and we become the soil and part of us is water that goes back up in the sky and eventually rains back down on the earth. Obviously he is more eloquent than I, but it was by way of this explanation that I was able to find a lot of peace in the world. I became less afraid of our conventional ideas of death and more certain that death is a notion and doesn't really exist. We will never stop existing. We will never die. And how wonderful is that when our bodies are done here, we will return to the Earth and be a reason life continues?

For a while, whenever it rained was when I felt most full of life. A lot of times I would look at the rain and I would think of my ancestors, who are the rain, and I would smile at the rain and say hello to them again, or for the first time. It would be a peaceful and beautiful moment. I can even remember one day, filled with this knowledge and peace, I was reading Walt Whitman's Leaves of Grass and considering this cycle of life and I felt a raptuous joy that I have never before experienced in my life. I realized that "death" is beautiful. At that moment I actually thought I might look fondly upon the day that I returned to the Earth. I haven't felt that since then and it's an appreciation and feeling I hope to experience again some day.

I've digressed a little. So today I decided to go for a walk, rain or no rain. After all, I reminded myself, remember how much beauty I know is in the rain? When I began my walk it was drizzling very, very lightly. Then the rain stopped, but when I turned back onto the last street before mine, the rain started to come down harder and I slowed my pace. I'm sure people maybe thought I was crazy. I was in no hurry to get out of the weather, I was smiling and if it hadn't been for all the cars and the lack of a sidewalk, I would've had my eyes closed too. It felt so good to have the rain coming down and feeling like I had melted into the earth. Feeling it drop on my face and my clothes, each pellet filling me back up with life. I came as close to that moment reading Walt Whitman as I have ever been.

The French have a phrase, "La Joie de Vivre." It translates to "the joy of living" but it's common knowledge in French class that the phrase encompasses so much more than the English translation allows. These moments I've been fortunate enough to experience... that is la joie de vivre. And they have all been inspired by the rain. That which we shy from so severely.

Let it rain. Run, dance, walk, sing, sit in the rain. Embrace, hug, smile at, appreciate the rain. The rain is in us, the rain is life. Let us love the rain. Let us love life.

The Good

2009-02-02T10:01:00.002-06:00

Well I'm back from my Refugee Adventures. For the past 5 days my roommate, Natasha, her son and I have been making the rounds in Evansville and Henderson, KY borrowing couches and heat and electricity from generous folks who were willing and able to share. Last night our electricity came back on and it was the greatest relief I've known in quite some time. Morale was taking a steep decline on Sunday so the restoration really couldn't have come at a better time.

It was easy to find something to complain about in all of this, but I think that we all did a bang up job and staying positive and avoiding the slippery slope that would have been moping. So as I'm thinking back on the past almost-week, I want to remember the good things that came out of it because, as it turns out, a lot of good really did come from this experience.

For instance, my roommate and I got to know each other real quick-like. If it hadn't been for this situation, it would've taken a lot longer for she and I to develop our relationship. This really got us over the "adjusting to each other" hump at an accelerated speed. Having said as much, I can't leave this subject without expressing my gratitude to her for taking me with her everywhere and making sure I had a place to be warm as well. If I hadn't been in this house with her, I would've surely been at a shelter or something and much less comfortable.

I'm also grateful because through this it turns out that my roommate and I get along quite well and so I feel like it was divine intervention that I found this house and this person. This whole situation is going to be so good for me, I'm convinced of it.

Next: I like a kid. Yes folks. I live with a boy who is about to be 4 years old and I quite enjoy his company. It's weird. And after these 5 days, I found myself going to work and going on and on about stuff he did or said or how well he was handling everything. I mean, it was close to gushing. I don't pretend to understand it, it's just happened.

Moving on: Through Natasha, I was able to meet such a magnificent group of people who are involved in wonderful things for this community and who I think will be so beneficial to my own personal development. I'd again like to reiterate my new-found belief in divine intervention. I don't see how it could have happened any other way. I really feel like I was led here and for a reason. These are exactly the types of people that I want to surround myself with and if it hadn't been for the storm I may have never found them.

Also, I was given the chance to volunteer for the Red Cross for part of 2 days and help them out at their disaster shelters. It was humbling and I think if it hadn't been for that, for the chance to be active and help others, I would have begun complaining a lot sooner than I did. I felt so lucky to have a warm bed or couch every night throughout this ordeal. I was well fed and able to shower. And I think, most importantly, I wasn't alone. If I was still in my apartment and this had happened, I might have gone to the Red Cross to ask for help instead of to offer it and I would've gone there alone. Instead I was lucky enough to be surrounded by great, great people and together we were able to try to make the lives of those in the shelter a little bit more comfortable.

All in all, this situation gave me the opportunity to recognize the things in my life I should be grateful for. And it really has made me question the validity of divine intervention in my life. For me, it seems like all of this was handed to me on a silver platter, if you will. I was here in my new residence being pretty isolationist and not really making many moves to connect with my roommate. All the while she was there, with all of those people I got to meet, and I had no idea what I was missing out on. It just feels to me like this was a less-than-subtle nudge in the right direction. It's a nudge I certainly do not plan on ignoring. I feel more attached to Evansville than I have before right now. I feel like I could be a part of very, very good things here. Things I wanted to be a part of that I thought I'd have to leave in order to do. I feel like the horizons have opened up before me with more opportunity once more and it's a very, very good feeling.

jenny googles

2009-01-15T16:52:00.004-06:00

Q: Type in "[your name] needs" in the Google search.
A: "jenny needs to find herself a baller." (amen, brother.) "jenny needs to respect her elders." (i actually fancy myself quite respectful.)

Q: Type in "[your name] looks like" in Google search.
A: "jenny looks like some random slore porn star." "jenny looks like a beach bunny." "jenny looks like she's gonna stab you with a fondue stick." (suffice it to say, "jenny looks like" is not my favorite category.)

Q: Type in "[your name] says" in Google search.
A: "jenny says turn off the radio/ jenny says turn off the light/ jenny says turn off the video/ you beat yourself up to bring yourself down" (apparently there's a song by a band called cowboy mouth called "jenny says.")

Q: Type in "[your name] wants" in Google search.
A: "jenny wants to announce pregnancy on her block?' (...ummmmmmm)

Q:Type in "[your name] does" in Google search.
A: "jenny does not have the classic epicanthal folds that down's babies have." (phew!)

Q: Type in "[your name] hates" in Google search.
A: "jenny hates cheaterzzzzz" (almost as much as she hates pluralizing with Zs.) "jenny hates ronnie." (not fair, i don't even KNOW ronnie.)

Q: Type in "[your name] asks" in Google search.
A: "jenny asks tom, as a stranger, to pose nude for her art project." (oh, my.) "jenny asks if 'jesus will take care of rosie.'"

Q: Type in "[your name] likes " in Google search.
A: "jenny likes to rape cats." (literally, this is the first one to come up. and it's blaspheme!!!) "jenny likes to punch people." (literally, the second one to come up.) "jenny likes flowers." (and the only true one of the bunch.)

Q: Type in "[your name] eats " in Google search.
A: "jenny eats some chinese food." "jenny eats people." "jenny eats anthony's face." (this survey is not doing good things for me."

Q: Type in "[your name] wears " in Google search.
A: "jenny wears a schoolgirl outfit." (i had to, once, when i worked at the fox and hound.)

Q: Type in "[your name] was arrested for" in Google Search.
A: "jenny was arrested for killing her sister, speeding, drinking while driving, possession of drug paraphernalia" (sweet. mother. of. jesus.)

Q: Type in "[your name] loves" in Google Search.
A. "jenny loves yoga" (ha! that really came up!) "jenny loves the fair trade role." (also true!) "jenny loves jazz." (heck yeah! this one redeemed all the others questions' answers.)

One of the Ways Starbucks Saved Me

2009-01-09T18:12:00.005-06:00

It's no secret that the idea of time is only really as old as trains. We didn't need any o'clock until then, at least. In the short period of time since trains were invented and now, haven't we all become slaves to time?

One of the things that I think really brought me down when I worked at the bank was how much influence time had over me. I had to be at work at 7 am, I'd leave at 3:30, I was forced to sit at my desk until I was told I could go on a break. I did that 5 days in a row and then I got a weekend off. There's a song that Holly and I used to hate in college by Phantom Planet called "Turn Smile Shift Repeat." I can't speak for her, but for me it was the monotony represented in this song that drove me crazy. When I worked at the bank, my life was this song.

When I started to work at Starbucks this changed. It was a bit of a difficult adjustment at first and I struggled to adapt to it. Everything, every day was different. Days that used to mean so much to me now meant nothing. Okay, not nothing in a negative way... but I guess I mean to say that suddenly there was no such thing as time to me. I realized recently that Starbucks allowed me to abandon the notion of time.

I recently realized (I'm ashamed to admit this is because of a commercial for IHOP that I even came to this realization) that time no longer exists for me and that it has afforded me a great deal of freedom. I don't live my "week" waiting for the "weekend". Nothing starts or stops. Everything just continues. I haven't felt that "weekend" feeling in months and it's spectacular. As lovely as the weekend-freedom felt, it always ended and that was depressing to me. Now I place no bit of time on a pedastal. Time just... well... isn't. Weekends don't exist, weekdays don't exist. Time doesn't pass because it's not real.

The idea of releasing our attachments to notions has always been one that I thought was going to be slightly out of my reach. A lofty goal to keep and I certainly didn't know how to do it. How do you let go of these notions that are so ingrained in your being? I think it was almost by force that Starbucks made me do it, because I don't remember ever doing anything myself. Regardless of how it happened, it did happen and I feel one thing for certain: a little bit of freedom. Like I'm moving with the natural rhythm of life instead of a man-made idea of what life is like.

Like I'm literally going with the flow

Progress Report

2009-01-09T12:15:00.003-06:00

Aaaaah progress. I'm almost half way done knitting the body of my yoga mat bag. I thought it would take longer than it's taking. I also thought it would be a lot harder than it is. It's turning out quite nicely!

In other news about progress, the move is officially on. I went by the house today and got my key and also dropped off some boxes. Tomorrow an old coworker is coming to buy my couch off of me, next week my parents will be here to pick up some of the bigger stuff to store for me and finally and pal from yoga is going to be moving my bed and some other stuff over for me. It's all coming together.

I'll be glad when the move is done. I'm kinda tired of thinking about it all the time and also ready to just be settled somewhere again.

everyone loves a quickie

2009-01-05T16:24:00.002-06:00

Today I knit a cozy for my camera. It was quick and fun. What was not fun was hand sewing on velcro. I shall not do that again so long as I remember the annoyance it caused me.

I guess now I should really start to pack. Blah.

Productive Things I Did on My Anniversary

2009-01-04T21:10:00.002-06:00

It's my one year anniversary in Evansville. Neat, huh? Man, what a difference a year makes.

I did some productive stuff today in celebration. (Okay you caught me... I only remembered about an hour ago, but I was still productive!)

I cleaned the kitty litter box. I took the trash out. I bought body wash. I showered. I went to two fantastic yoga classes. I had my chakras read. I drank a Berry Chai Infusion from Starbucks. (You tea lovers out there really must hit up the Sbux for our new drinks...) Oh, and I finished my first ever knitting project.

<--- That's her right there! I made a scarf!

I have to say... I'm pretty proud of myself. For the day and for the scarf and for the year. Today-me and a-year-ago-today-me, while technically the same person, are pretty different. Gone is the lost college-girl, now is the young woman learning about life and happiness and responsibility. A young woman with a path before her that she chose. And did I mention the rockin' scarf I just finished?!

Happy anniversary to me!

The Flip Side of the Coin

2009-01-02T18:07:00.003-06:00

You know... chakra work and meditation sure are two bittersweet things in life. The whole idea of opening up and releasing attachments can be so good for you. But I discovered today that sometimes you can open up and you can let go and once you've done that, you really see what's left. Sometimes in your practice you finally let go, more than you ever have before and you see what all those attachments were attempting to hide, what feelings they were trying to protect you from. And sometimes it catches you off guard. Sometimes meditation doesn't make you feel like you're sleeping on a bed of roses.

I don't mean to be melodramatic or sing the blues. I'm really just in shock, the same way I always am when chakra work/meditation makes me feel euphoric. Between circumstances surrounding the last week and the meditation-yoga combo I worked through at home today, I'm seeing a clearer picture of the methods I've invented to protect myself from vulnerability and rejection-- methods that are generally fall in the "isolationist" category. It's hard to be hurt by others when you remove yourself from their presence. It's equally hard to feel the essential human connection using that same tactic. It's that pattern, again, of me turning inside so much and so often that I stop reaching out. The only thing that's changed is that it's just getting easier for me to see it.

I have a hard time blogging when I'm in this kind of a mood because I don't like to let other people see that I'm vulnerable, that I make mistakes. It's hard to admit that I get scared. It's hard to admit to myself that I get scared of yoga because of how much more clearly I can see me, and see the things I've tried for so long to ignore. It's hard to admit that I am not enough, that I need others and that I need proximity to others. But here I am, admitting it even though I don't want to and posting this blog even though I don't want to.

This is not a blog of hopelessness, though, hear you me. This is a blog of confronting the skeletons in my closet. I see them, I recognize them.

Now it's time to start clearing them out.

What I Bring to the Mat and Christmas,t oo.

2008-12-24T11:17:00.004-06:00

So, I was taking a jaunt around Yoga Journal's Community page as I do more and more often these days (it's like facebook but for yogis, don't ya know!) and I happened upon someone who posted a blog about what he brings to his yoga mat each day. It was really moving to read and I think that it's definitely something we all ought to think about for ourselves.

What do we, individually as yogis and yoginis, bring to the mat? Yes, yoga is about union and about letting go of the ego, but like we say and I've said before, it has to start within. So I think it's important for all of us yogis to highlight what it is that we bring to the mat, to our practice, to our community. I think it would be neat if this started a chain (and we can all credit sat-nam for being the inspiration). In that spirit, I'm going to go ahead and go next:

When I step on my mat, I bring with me a girl who is only beginning to learn and live life. I bring a girl who is healing from mental wounds, self-inflicted. I bring a girl who was lost in the world and who punished herself for it. I bring fear. But I bring courage, too. I bring a yearning and willingness to let go of the past. I bring a girl who has only begun to taste true freedom. I bring a girl who knows deep down that she is beautiful and worthy of the good in life. I bring persistence in my quest. I bring a girl who is resolved to never give up on herself again.

I bring intellect, thoughtfulness and insight. I bring a mind that has faith in a power outside myself and longs to be united with it. I bring a heart that continues to open. I bring a desire for peace, inside myself and out. I bring compassion.

On my mat, I am a student of life who is no longer reluctant. I am inquisitive. I ask for help when help is needed. I am a girl who is learning to release her pride. My mind and heart are sponges. I am a leader too. I bring a dream of helping others like me to find peace. I bring a message to everyone so they may know they deserve peace.

I express myself with the suppleness that comes from youth and am grateful for the opportunity to grow and mature. I begin to express myself without fear. I learn to stay true to myself. I bring awe inspired by the beauty of life. I bring appreciation for my fellow yogis and yoginis. I relish in the energy we create.

And I try with my whole being to bring mindfulness to my mat. To live in this moment and to know that this moment is perfect. I bring the gentle reminder that there is no fight to survive. Everything is as it should be in this very moment and so everything is perfect. I bring an inner light that glows brighter the longer I practice and reaches out to the world.

When I come to my mat and I sit down, I imagine myself as a child sitting down for story time. I am the Earth's child, eager to hear Her story and beside myself with joy to learn that I, that we, are Her story.

When I am on my mat, and I am in this place in me, and you are in this place in you, we are one. When I come to my mat, I cease to exist as an individual and I am home.

Namaste.

~~~~~~~~~~~

So there was that. I'm separating that from this bottom bit because the top part was really for my YJ Blog, but I thought I'd share it here too.

In other news... You ought to have seen the look on my mom's face when I asked her if we could all go to Midnight Mass tonight. It's very un-me to want to do anything related to organized religion, but as I was driving in from Evansville and I was listening to one of my favorite religious Christmas songs ("Mary's Boychild," if you cared to know...), I got a nudge from outside myself to attend Midnight Mass. In my quest to reach the Energy outside of myself, I understood from this sudden urge that if I keep my heart open to it, this is the right place for me to be tonight. Where better to go to honor peace and love in this world? Maybe Catholicism has ceased to be the way for me, but I feel on this Christmas eve that there is a phenomenal energy buzzing through the land and I need to be there for it.

Fear- the extended version

2008-12-18T20:14:00.003-06:00

So today I had a lot of pent up energy and I felt a little scattered and spastic. Then when I was at yoga, laying in relaxation after our practice and it hit me what that energy was that was coursing through my veins: fear.

I don't have a lot of deep revelations about fear or anything really insightful to say about it. I actually just want to air my fears. I'm looking at it this way: I'm going to lay them out there, say them to you, say them to myself and then I'm going to practice letting go of them. I'm going to practice confidence in myself and I'm going to practice trust in myself. I was laying there at the end of class today, trying my best and, I'll admit, struggling to relax and let idle thoughts pass me by, recognizing them with out judgment and just letting them go right out of my mind again, to be attended to later. Somewhere in there it dawned on me that of all the people in all the world, it often happens that I am the person I trust the least. Sometimes when I am about to embark on a new journey and a new experience, before the time comes to take action, I will doubt myself and my abilities. Sometimes I don't trust that I can be a leader.

Okay, I'll stop being ambiguous. The time for me to begin teaching yoga is drawing nigh and I'm scared. I did a home practice recently and while it was good and fine... it didn't feel the same as when I'm being led by a teacher. When you go to a yoga class, you do the yoga that is right for you but in the style of the teacher. I was at home and it occurred to me that I don't know what my personal yoga style is. So I'm slowly discovering it; I won't fully know until I do more practices on my own. It's exciting, absolutely, but it's also scary. It's like starting all over from the beginning. So then I got nervous about leading a class when I'm not even sure what my style is. And what if my style doesn't suit the students? What if people leave my class without a feeling of satisfaction and fulfillment? How can I possibly ever be as effective a teacher as the ones I look up to so much?

You see where this is/was going? I say is/was because in relaxation tonight I felt a release. I still need to really, really, really let go of these fears. I must practice with resolve my ability to recognize that I am not those fears and they will not rule me. Recognizing the source of my feelings and my fears today felt like the first huge leap to letting them go. My yoga is a budding lotus flower. It is growing and blossoming. With practice and time, I will become comfortable in my style. It might be different than what people at our studio are used to. I'm not Chris. I'm not Andrew. No one expects me to be them. Yoga is inherently "perfect," when practiced mindfully and with intent, it can never be wrong. In such a way, we will always receive something we need in each of our practices.

Also, I need to take the teachers off the pedestal I've put them on. They have opened their arms to me as a peer. The saying goes that it is only when we achieve non-attachment that we are free and equal. So then, only by detaching myself from the notion that these people are somehow greater than me (physically, spiritually, emotionally), can I become their equal. It's so simple yet I continue to see this theme and a struggle in my life. (Who doesn't though, really?)

I'm beginning to see this pattern of fear and lack of confidence and trust in myself and am becoming familiar with what brings it to the forefront. In savasana tonight, after my little revelation, the first thing I did was affirm myself. It's the jumping off point here, really. I know I'm strong and ambitious and dedicated to this and when I pause, breath and envision myself as a yoga teacher, deep inside of me I feel the truth and I know my capability. I have astounding potential inside of me.

The same goes not just for me, but for all of us. For all of us who suffer at the hands of our fears. So let's all practice together. Let's let go. Let's release our fears. Let's rise up above our egos.

Let's all be the blossoming lotus and most certainly let us remember how this flower is beautiful in all stages of its growth.

On Being Who I Am

2008-12-17T18:58:00.008-06:00

Yesterday traffic in Evansville was awful. A drive that normally takes me 8 minutes took 20. It was quite possibly one of the most annoying experiences in my life. So there I was in my car, fuming slightly and talking to myself road-rage style: Not sure why the guy in front of me was such a huge jerk and had to leave so very many car lengths between himself and the car and the one in front of him. Pretty miffed about the fact that only 2 or 3 cars were making it through stop lights because the idiots making left hand turns were running red lights. You know... the usual. And then, after a while of this (I mean, relatively speaking, I was in the car for a long time...), the thought occurred to me that I was sitting in my car, headed back to my apartment to do yoga, thinking bad thoughts about people. In that instant, I felt like a fraud. When I go to yoga, and when I meditate, I create an atmosphere inside myself of peace, quiet and love and I feel good about myself, sending love outwards to others. Yet here I was, settling into my frustration and allowing it to envelope me. I didn't feel very true to the yogini in me at that moment. It made me feel... well... bad.

Tonight at yoga class, true to form, Andrew hit the nail right on the head with his intuitiveness. (I'll leave my theories about his unique abilities to read my mind for another day.) At the end of class he said this: "Remember when you're outside of here that you are the same person as you are in this quiet place on your mat." He went on noting that when we get frustrated or impatient or angry in public, it's important to come back to our breath and remember who we are when we're in that place. (Seriously... Andrew just plain freaks me out sometimes...)

The point is, we are calm, loving, peaceful people. When we come to the studio, we make it a point to leave our baggage at the door. I'm realizing now the importance of carrying my yoga practice outside the studio and not leaving it on my mat. The outside needs the work of the inside to function properly.

So we arrive at my new goal: to carry my yoga practice with me outside of the studio, and off of my meditation mat. To remember that I am the same person in both circumstances. I cultivate peace and love. I breath in strength in the midst of a challenge. I let go of attachment to ideas.

I am a yogini.

i'm all ears

2008-12-15T14:07:00.002-06:00

The time isn't right for any words on fear just yet.

Instead I have a few words about listening. The saying goes that prayer is talking to the Divine and meditation is listening. I think that we, as people, tend to a lot of talking, a lot of asking. But when it comes to listening, we just don't seem to have time. Or we aren't open to the answer. It's very easy to ask, but my goal now is to listen and to receive openly. The answers can often be so subtle that if we aren't in tune, if we aren't paying direct attention, we won't realize that it ever came.

Listening takes practice and patience and an open mind/heart. Today was one of those rewarding days in meditation. So often in meditation we get frustrated because we don't have revelations or epiphanies every time we sit and so we give up. It's hard, but I am trying to be persistent and consistent. It's like payday. You have to work a while and then at the end of the pay period, you get a check. So there I was and I had prayed and I had come to a place in my meditation where I was listening, for a change. Really listening.

And I got an answer.

I knew I was listening because I really felt that it wasn't me that gave me that answer. The answer came from the greater Me, the part of me that is Divine, the part of me that I attempt to reach through my yoga practice and my meditation. I recognized that I hadn't just "come up" with an answer. I'd received an answer.

It was a really neat feeling and it reinforced the idea I've mentioned before about the universe taking care of me. In yoga teacher training the other day, we were beginning a meditation and Chris came over and laid a blanket over me. It was a gesture that was tender and nurturing and motherly. What I got from listening today was the same thing. A tender, nurturing gesture from my Mother.

The time and effort to meditate seems to be a small price come pay day.

Fear

2008-12-14T15:00:00.001-06:00

Been thinking about it a lot lately. More to come later.

Campaign of Gratitude: Day 5

2008-11-29T10:55:00.003-06:00

Today I'm grateful for the following (presented in list form because I'm too tired and pressed for time to provide fluff this morning):

Finding the local radio station that plays Christmas music 24x7 this month.
Trader Joe's array of frozen burritos.
Not having had to be a shopper on Black Friday.
Surviving working Black Friday at Hallmark.
A free pound of coffee a week.
Revisiting the teeny-bopper that still resides deep in my heart and swooning with Laura at the movie theater, watching Twilight.
That I made all my Thanksgiving travels in safety, which is a lot more than many other people in the country can say.
The sweet relief that Child's Pose, Hero's Pose and Legs-up-the-Wall provide after a long day on my feet and legs.

Happy Holidays, friends. Be kind to those who work retail, be patient in line, don't get caught up in materialism. Remember that the whole point of this is to GIVE. And not to just give THINGS but to give your thoughts, your love and spread joy.

Campaign of Gratitude: Day 4 aka Gratitude Vomit

2008-11-27T13:47:00.003-06:00

Today, I'm thankful for... well... today.

I'm thankful for a really fantastic morning yoga class that I really feel brought me in to spiritual alignment with this Thanksgiving day. I'm thankful for the energy of love and compassion and gratitude that resides in my Sangha and thus, resides in me.

I'm thankful that my kitten has little ways of showing me she loves me and that she misses me when I'm not home.

I'm thankful for a my 30% employee discount at Starbucks. I'm VERY thankful for Starbucks Lemon Loaf. I'm EXTREMELY thankful for triple shot lattes.

I'm thankful I made it to St. Louis safely. I'm thankful gas is even cheaper here than in Evansville. (Although I'll save my concerns about what deflation does for those of us paying back any sort of loan for a day that I'm not supposed to be giving thanks...) I'm thankful for getting to do 2 loads of FREE (to me) laundry.

I'm thankful for a kitchen full to the brim of delicious food today, when, for so many others in the world, today is just another day they are hungry. (Wow... all of a sudden I don't feel right about my impending over indulgence...)

I'm thankful to have gotten to spend a portion of this day with my Sangha, for getting to next spend a portion of this day with my family and more still, for getting to spend a portion of this day with my best friend.

I'm thankful to have so very many things to be thankful for when the day is barely half over.

I'm not just living dharma today, I'm living luck.

Campaign of Gratitude: Day 3

2008-11-26T20:13:00.004-06:00

Sweet, sweet patience.

I attempted to write this blog three separate times today but every time, I was at a loss for what to be thankful for today. Sure, I found things to be thankful for, but nothing for which I was so thankful that I wanted to dedicate an entire day's blog to it and it alone. So I said to myself each time, "Well, the day's not over. I'll wait and I'm sure by the day's end, something will come forward." Et voila.

Today,then, I'm thankful for two things. 1) Patience, and 2) I am thankful for T-Mobile. They are always so splendidly helpful on a regular basis and that's something I really, truly appreciate. (Especially as someone who used to be a Sprint-subscriber. I experienced truly awful service during those dark days.) Suffice it to say that I'm very enthusiastic about my cell phone service provider. And suffice it to say that my heart just swelled to three times its normal size.

T-Mobile is running a promotion through part of December that offers it's subscribers free companion flights for renewing their service for two years. How amazing is that?! They just made my dream of taking a cross-country vacation to Seattle next year come true.

Spectacular! Thanks, T-Mobile!

Campaign of Gratitude: Day 2

2008-11-25T11:31:00.002-06:00

Today I’m grateful for Young Adult Literature.

It occurs to me, looking at my bookshelf now, that YA lit has brought me countless hours of entertainment. How many times have I escaped to the world of Harry Potter, in book or movie form? How often did I scan the pages of Mugglenet.com, dissecting every word J.K. Rowling ever wrote? How many tears has John Green stolen from me? How many laughs from Maureen Johnson? And now, Stephanie Meyer, whose Twilight series has been my recent literary obsession (and probably soon-to-be cinematic obsession as well). How many times has her narrative made my heart skip a beat, taken my breath away, broken my heart, literally had me sobbing from behind the pages and then euphorically happy?

I’ll argue as long as the day that YA lit is not just kids’ stuff. I’m almost 25 years old, and these are some of the best books I’ve ever read. The aforementioned authors are the only ones to ever have elicited such physical emotional reactions from me, and I think that’s really saying something on the subject of their caliber. Not to mention the symbolism that runs rampant through so many of these books, most notably J.K. Rowling’s, John Green’s and Yann Martel’s works. I also think that YA books are so spectacularly filled with messages of hope. With the world as it is today, it’s highly commendable, in my opinion, that something geared toward the youth can carry such an optimistic outlook.

So I’m thankful for the talents of these authors and for this genre of literature. I’m thankful for being introduced to this niche that is so adept at allowing me to escape the real world for a little bit of each day, that’s given me characters for whom I care so much, afforded me some really fantastic conversations with my friends and continued to add fuel to the fire that is my love of reading.

Campaign of Gratitude: Day 1

2008-11-24T11:37:00.001-06:00

This week I’m on a campaign of gratitude. It’s Thanksgiving week, and so I figure there’s no time like the present to do it. My goal is going to be to update at least 5 times this week and talk about something for which I am grateful. Shouldn’t be too hard.

Originally I started by making a list of what I wanted to talk about each day but a couple things happened that caused me to alter my subject for this first day. 1) I pulled out an old notebook this weekend to bring to yoga teacher training and, 2) a disturbing article I found online.

The notebook I happened to pull out was the one I used when I was in therapy with Jane my last semester at Murray. There were a couple journal entries in there. The most notable was the first entry, dated July 18th 2007. It was shocking reading the things I wrote:

“…How I feel is confused, chaotic, without control. I feel pressure from myself to get past this, pressure from others to do what they think is best and fear of letting everyone down.”

“I freak out when there are unknowns.”

“I’ve receded into a totally isolated place in my mind and I’ve kept myself from being really honest with even my closest friends and family.”

“Mood swings: I got the nickname of ‘Bipolar Jenny’ last year.”

“Now I am trying to face my demons and I intend to work past them. Now I feel vulnerable and chaotic all over again but the only way I know how to deal is unhealthy so I feel more out of control because I have no coping methods to turn to. I hate being vulnerable. I do not tolerate weakness on my part. I need to be a stonewall and a pillar of strength. I don’t want to be taken advantage of.”

I finished reading that first entry and it was weird how I could only remotely remember those feelings. It seemed to me I was reading about a third party. I was a little taken aback and simultaneously grieving for this girl. How could any single person have all of that going on in their head at one time? Such an unfair burden to carry. No one should live that way.

Then I moved to the next entry and was baffled once more.

July 19th 2007:

“You know, sometimes, I may freak out, but when the day is over there is one thing I know about myself and that is that I am strong and I will achieve the things I want. And I’m positive—I know I will get over this hurdle. Life can be a struggle but all it takes is knowing you can make it… with a little bit of work. And I am ready to work.”

Just one day later, there it was: hope and resolve. What a gift. How lucky am I that it was with me, literally, from the beginning. On July 18th I had hit the lowest point in my entire life to date. But on July 19th, I was already asserting my determination. I’m filled with so much pride for that girl. I’m actually at a loss for words. That girl was me. ME. I know when I wrote that second journal entry that I had no idea how impressive it was. I had no idea the implications. I wonder now if, as I was writing them then, I believed them. I mean, it’s clear I did on some level because I’m here now and I’m infinity times healthier and happier. One thing I know is that for as much as I yearned to recover, I certainly hadn’t really considered what life would be like once I had done so. I had no idea it could be so good and so free.

So this becomes the first subject of my gratitude this week. I know this seems like an egotistical way to start the week, but I maintain that until we find the light within, we cannot shine it out. But today, I am grateful for my strength, my resolve, my optimism. I had so much help along the way in my recovery but I also must recognize that without my own determination, I’d never be in the place where I am now. So I’m going to honor myself, give thanks to myself. I’ve done myself a huge deal of benefit in the past year and a half.

The other thing that brought this idea for day one’s gratitude is that I saw this article online: http://www.newsweek.com/id/170528.

It tears my heart out to think that anyone else is living the way that I do. It seems like it was one thing for me to have struggled but the idea of other people struggling is almost intolerable. No one should go through life that way. It’s just not fair. Something has to be done; these girls need to be reached out to. And I want to be one of those doing it. I don’t know how I’m going to do it yet and I don’t know what the community in Evansville is like, but I’ve got to do something. I have been given a great gift and it is only fitting that now, I should pass it on to someone who needs it, too.

On Flying Alone: Airplanes and Love Notes to My Multitudes

2008-11-19T13:55:00.001-06:00

I love flying on planes and I love to do it by myself. There’s something that is always moving to me about being one of many ones. I mean to point out that so many people on planes are traveling alone.

I love to look at them all and wonder who they are and where they’re going and why they’re going there and if they’ll ever come back. I wonder if they’re going home or if they’re leaving and if they’re sad or they’re excited. I wonder if they’re going somewhere they’ve never been before and if they’re scared at all. I wonder if they’re starting over from the beginning or picking up where they left off. Will someone they love be waiting for them with a rapturous smile or will they be walking into a complete unknown when they deboard the plane?

I marvel at this sort of public anonymity. This no-questions-asked rhythm of coming and going. Leaving in a way that is so obvious, going so far away that you have to take to the air to do it. Yet giving no reason for your departure. Everyone is just going or coming and letting it be just that. It’s fascinating.

It occurs to me that I love to leave. I always like to imagine myself as one of the people who are leaving, no matter what kind of trip I’m on. Whether it’s a departure or an arrival. To me it’s the bravest travel there is. I’ve always been captivated by the idea of leaving all things familiar behind and going where I have never existed to anyone before. The slate is wiped clean and I can be a new person. I can invent a new me. Sometimes I like to retain a bit of the Old Jenny, the bits I really liked and the ones that are Me inside and out. But I like the idea of getting the chance to be something I’ve always wanted to be and not having to explain why I’m this way now. In a new place no one knows, I proclaim myself to be how I want to be. Sometimes I discover that how I thought I wanted to be isn’t really what I wanted to be and I return to the parts of Me that remain.

But even still, leaving is scary. It is a difficult process. I don’t meant to make it sound like it’s all fun and games. As a matter of fact, I don’t see it as a game, but as an undeniable duty to myself. There is certainly a struggle (metaphorically) to be met once I get where I’m going (geographically). But in the end, the geography is not what is important. It’s not the destination, but the journey. I find more of Me, a part of Me that I didn’t know was actually Me. This is the reward for this kind of lifestyle. Finding new parts of Me, my confidence grows and I feel more complete. I can state surely that This is Me.

Walt Whitman wrote, “I contain multitudes.” This is the basis for how I feel it necessary to live my life. So my mission is this: discover my multitudes, or as many as I can while the opportunity is mine.

Some notes, though: This is selfish. The way I think is beyond selfish, even. This isn’t something that has escaped me, unnoticed. Sometimes it hurts people, sometimes I ignore that I am not the only one who contains multitudes. I am transient and I don’t think of what my talk of leaving means to others. I don’t have a solution yet for selfishness, so I just want to acknowledge that I know it’s there. If you’re reading this and I’ve ever hurt you, I’m sorry. But there are those of you that take me as I am (I have 2 people in mind and I trust you know who you are). There is beauty and comfort in your roles in my life because I know that no matter where I go, I have never left you, and will never leave you. And no matter where you two go, you have never left me, and will never leave me. I said this recently in a spiel to one of you, but now let me say it to you both: You are Me. This is something I’ve discovered along my journey. You are each one of my multitudes.

Epilogue:
I have to say… when I started writing this post, I had no idea it was going to end up going where it went. But I’m glad it did. I think for the people who don’t understand the way that I think, it’s important to illustrate that leaving isn’t an attempt to erase the past or to push people away. In leaving, I think we afford ourselves the opportunity to find the truth, love and strength of our relationships, such that no matter where we go, we find we are never alone.

On How Time Passes When You Blink

2008-11-19T11:21:00.000-06:00

Well, this is interesting.

A week ago, I had a different life. Then, I went away for a little bit. When I came back, everything had changed. Or at least if feels that way. Before Connecticut, I worked full-time for a credit card company—a job that I hated. After Connecticut, I’m a barista, working for Starbucks in a job I hope I’ll love. The change is a little bit scary. I’ve got a laundry list of things to stress about (if I choose to take it that far, beyond “things to just be aware of”).

The weirdest part though is how it doesn’t feel like there was a buffer between changes. Before Connecticut is abruptly different from After Connecticut. One minute, life was one way: structured, planned out in 15-minute increments, busy, safe. Then I turned my head for a moment and when I turned back, it had quickly become something less structured, almost chaotic, a little less safe. These aren’t bad things; in fact… these are things I’d wanted. I’d said time and again that I wasn’t a Cubicle Girl, or a 9-to-5er.

Listen, I’m a little stressed, okay? I’m not going to lie. I feel as though I’m facing a big unknown right now. I know that all is going to be well. Things will work out. But anytime there is a big change in our lives, a decision that we made, it’s perfectly natural to have that nagging little voice who tries to perk up and asks us, “Yeah but what if this wasn’t the right decision?” Part of me wants to know just exactly how things are going to change, because they aren’t done changing yet.

This is the scariest part of a journey. Right when you start off. It’s exciting, yet unknown. What if you get lost along the way? What if you run out of gas? What if the destination doesn’t meet your expectations? What if airport security makes you leave something behind and the next thing you know you’re in some foreign place and you can’t wash your hair?

Time to breathe. Time to let go. Expectations will be the death of us. (Or maybe just me.)

I’m feeling the pressure, the force of the wind trying to knock me down. But I feel the pressure, the force, because I’m standing up to it. My favorite yoga pose is Tree Pose. It’s the only one I do this for, but I have a mantra that I speak to myself every time we do the pose in class. I won’t give it word for word because it’s “mine” and I want to be selfish with it. But the idea behind it is that I am an immovable structure, rooted to and one with the earth. There are days where a silent wind seems to blow by me and I teeter. But I remind myself of my strength and instead of falling, I reach up and out and down at once and I am a tree and I will not be moved.

So now in my life, with resolve I branch out and I reach for greater heights. I will sway and I will bend, but I will not break. All the time, I remain deeply rooted in the earth.

This is my foundation.

I'm not straight...

2008-11-14T11:20:00.002-06:00

I straightened my hair today. Mostly because mom made one of *those* comments to Erin. ("You really don't care if Jenny does her hair like that [curly] for your wedding??").

It feels weird. It looks weirder. It doesn't feel like me.

Eh well. Me doesn't wear gowns either, so I guess this is a special occasion.

T minus 26.5 hours til the nuptials!

literally/figuratively

2008-11-12T08:17:00.003-06:00

Cut to the first time since my last post that I've had an ounce of "spare time" for blogging. From where did this sudden appearance of spare time come, you ask? Why, none other than a 3 hour layover in Charlotte, North Carolina. Yes, it is already that time. I'm headed to Connecticut for the nuptials of Erin and LB!

So a lot has happened in the past month-ish. Not the least of which was my foray into "assistant" at the yoga studio. Chris is preening me to take over the Intro to Yoga classes at the studio. In a thrilling turn of events, Chris approached me and wanted to become my mentor. We're bartering, like in the olden days. I help her out around the studio and in exchange she is giving me the tools I need to become a teacher. And she as good as offered me a spot teaching at the EYC. I knew after all those medical bills and the car accident that my Karma was in need of some re-balancing.

In other exciting news, I may or may not have had my last day at CMC. I got a job at Starbucks and I found a ridiculously cheap housing situation for January. Things are good!

And now we find me in North Carolina (this airport, incidentally, has FIVE Starbucks inside its walls. FIVE!) Flying is so interesting to me. From the plane, looking down at the Earth, it felt like I was looking at all the best bits of our planet: the tops of trees (and jeeeeeezus, the colors of NC trees in autumn actually brought tears to my eyes), the rivers winding through the land, the hills, the farms. I know we all have to have places to live, but I couldn't help but think that it was too bad all of those neighborhoods had to ruin the natural art that lay before me.

The juxtaposition was obvious and ironic. The trees were so perfect, the colors so beautiful, so effortless. And then these neighborhoods, with their houses all identical, trying to be perfect, beautiful, effortless. Oh, how they'd failed. I wondered if everyone had a chance to change their perspective, if they'd see it too. If they'd see how silly and disorganized these neighborhoods were. They looked like dice in a game of Yatzee the way they seemed so carelessly thrown down across the land. I wondered if people might see how we, as humans, can be so silly and disorganized in our struggle against what is natural and good.

If everyone could just see the bigger picture (literally? figuratively?), how different would the world be? I know it's not possible to see the bigger picture all the time, but sometimes, in instances like these, you get lucky enough to see it for just a fleeting moment. It oughta be treated like a mile marker. Like, now I have a reference point and so if there's any readjusting I need to do to my plan, then I have to tools to do it.

Readjust what? What plan? How does this relate to me?

Okay, I haven't figured that out yet. I've been up since 4:10 am okay? I'm not quite prepared to answer my own existential-plane-inspired musings. The point is, I know where I am (literally/figuratively).

it begins at this moment

2008-10-22T20:47:00.004-05:00

The saying goes that yoga begins at that moment when you want to come out of a pose. Your leg starts to shake a little, the heat your building up seems to increase exponentially. You aren't in pain, but you sure as heck have been more comfortable in life. You feel like you've been holding for ages and your brain gives a tiny squeak, you think, "Just let the instructor say 'release', already!" But instead the instructor says, "3 more breaths." You think, "Three more breaths?! Is this a joke?!"

Yoga starts.

You stop your brain from screaming and you focus. You turn inward and you breathe, and you survive. You move on to the next sequence.

I never realized until tonight, how much this would come in handy outside of the yoga studio. I'm not in pain, but I sure as heck would say I've been more comfortable in life. Admittedly, I needed my time earlier today to be upset, and I was. I felt a little overwhelmed. But underneath it all was this sense of calm. I know it'll all work out, this is a hiccup. This is my thighs burning in Warrior II. But it always starts with the little brain scream, "Is this a joke?!" and then, just like in class, you breathe. I'm breathing through it. I'm calmer because deep down I know. I know that I've done a lot to surprise myself, and there's no reason this shouldn't be another example.

And there's always this one thing to look forward to: before I even know it, the instructor (should I capitalize that word?) will say, "Release" and it'll be time for the next sequence.

The pleasures of heaven are with me, and the pains of hell are with me.
The first I graft and increase upon myself.... the latter I translate into a new tongue.
Walt Whitman

i take a hint

2008-10-17T22:21:00.003-05:00

"Be prepared for a few scheduling hiccups, today. Suddenly, an unforeseen event could limit your free time and make you feel a little bit like you're under the gun. But have no fear! This rapid change of pace will not send you down a stressful path. Instead, it will be invigorating and bring out your competitive, aggressive nature. This will be a fun day, full of twists and turns that keep you on the edge of your seat -- and ready for the next curveball to come your way!"

At 7 am, I was at work, reading my horoscope on MSNBC, thinking "Yipes... I don't know how I feel about this one..."

At 1:30 pm I was thrilled to only have an hour left of work and looking forward to errands, the weekend and lots of yoga classes.

At 5:35 pm, I was standing at the corner of Barker and Mt. Vernon, looking sadly at the front bumper and headlights of my car lying in the middle of the street, cleanly detached from the body of my car. Another hour or so and I was watching my precious darling car being towed away. Fast forward another half hour and I'd gotten a ride home and was making reservations to pick up a rental car in the morning.

It wasn't until after dinner that I remembered my horoscope this morning. And then I reflected on how I'd been feeling quite scattered and distracted all afternoon. My brain was moving a million miles an hour and literally seconds before my accident tonight I explicitly recall saying to myself that I needed to get out of my head and focus on life as it was happening in front of me. I remember thinking these words exactly, "You just aren't paying attention to the world outside of you tonight." That was an understatement.

Then it occurred to me... in my last blog I was talking about how happiness is always there for us to touch 24/7, if we're just mindful and aware we'll see it. I think tonight was a gentle (?) suggestion from the Universe to broaden that idea. Not just happiness, but life itself. Thinking back on the day... I almost feel like I should've seen this coming. Starting with my horoscope, which I generally just read for fun and don't actually use as a guide. And then there was my own advice to myself to focus on what was happening in front of me and to stop living in the world going on in my head. I was very in tune with how distracted I was this afternoon. In fact, I was so in tune with my distraction that it was distracting... Clearly...

It was like the Universe was saying, "Yes, Jenny. Happiness is there to be touched 24/7, but that's only because Reality is there to be touched 24/7. Truth is there 24/7. Just listen to me and you'll be able to be there for all of it. Happiness, chance, even disappointment." I had forgotten that in order to recognize you are at the mountain's peak, you must also recognize that there is a valley far below. They are both there and they can not be without the existence of the other. And there was the Universe, all day long trying to tell me what I needed: to be aware, to be mindful of it. But I simply wasn't listening for that.

This has been a very interesting lesson I've learned tonight. I'm also proud of my reaction to it all. I've surprised myself by being so calm about everything. To speak truthfully, I think this is almost a good thing that has happened. Sometimes I recognize the extent to which I cling to a routine and I have been known to get very agitated when my routine is interupted. Yes, I realize this changes the plans I had for the weekend a bit. Yeah, it sucks I missed yoga tonight and I'll miss it in the morning. But I can accomplish nothing if I focus strictly on how I wanted things to go and how they didn't go accordingly.

Life happens and all that there is to control is how you react to it. You have plans and sometimes the plans have to change. You make the best out of what you're given.

And you learn to listen. To all of it.

shine it inward

2008-10-13T19:38:00.002-05:00

I don't want to dote on about the same thing two posts in a row, but I really just am impressed with the past 4 days.

I'm full of gratitude for the time I got to spend with Laura this weekend, for starters. It was great to have her here, in the city I've called home for the past 10 months. We did things, exploited the area more than I would've ever done if she hadn't visited. Consequently, I developed a new appreciation for the state and city in which I live.

To top it all off, there was a splendid Monday. The work day wasn't overwhelming so I could ease my way back in after a long weekend of fun. And, if it couldn't get any better, I had a private yoga class with Chris tonight. Not on purpose, I just so happened to be the only one who could make it to the 4:30 today. So it was whatever I wanted to do, tips specific for me and my abilities and the chance to practice more advanced poses that you don't normally get to practice in regular classes. I did a handstand and a headstand. I didn't know if I could do it, but I did. Talk about a boost of confidence.

So what I'm saying by way of this recap, is yet again the Universe is taking care of me. It causes me to wonder what I've done to deserve this. But then... when I think on it. I wonder if it's a question of "deserving." Like I said last time, this is here for us to touch 24/7, we just have to be mindful of it. So maybe it's not that I had to "earn"it, it's that I had to get in touch with it. With the Universe. The Universe in me. Maybe, once you put your energy inward, positively, you see that the Universe is always offering you what you need. You just have to listen and accept it and be grateful. You have to realize it's in the "small" things just as much as the "big" things. You just have to realize. To be. Maybe it's not about being fearful of a god, repenting or walking a straight line. It's not about deserving or earning it.

When I consider that we inter-are, then I question that idea of sacrificing and asking for happiness and good fortune. If we inter-are, then it's all inside of us already. We just have to be there for the happiness. We don't have to earn it. It seems to me that the Universe (in us) wouldn't actually force us to earn happiness if it is us as well. That would mean it's forcing itself to earn happiness equally as much as it forces us, and well... why would anyone want to be put to the test for happiness? Don't we all just want it? Yeah.

And it turns out we all have it. There needn't be a fight for it. There needs to be a light on it. Turn the light inward and we'll each find all it is that we need.

~~~~~~

Joy requires one to be awake,
Adjusting the heart's ambience to bright.
Some prefer the dark, as is their right,
On grounds of agony, and to forsake
Not only bliss, but all that's blessed by light.
-Nicholas Gordon

We all walk in the dark and each of us must learn to turn on his or her own light.
-Earl Nightingale

I used to love the darkness
But the sun is my new best friend
As soon as I embraced him
He put my misery to an end.
- Abbe Yeux-verdi

From within or from behind, a light shines through us upon things, and makes us aware that we are nothing, but the light is all.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

i begin to wonder

2008-10-07T20:13:00.002-05:00

Sometimes I go to yoga class and I really can't help but wonder. Sometimes I have something really pressing on my mind and Chris' closing zen phrase will seem to address me directly, as though she knew. Sometimes I build my intention mentally before class and that night's instructor will ask as a class that we build that very same intention on our mats for that practice. Sometimes I can't help but wonder what it is... How, how, HOW is it always seeming to be in tune with exactly what is going on in my mind? Tonight, our teacher was Mark, who hasn't been to instruct us in 5 weeks. Just last week I realized that my upper body strength was improving vastly. No... I still can't do a push up, but I realized I can lower myself with impressive (to me) control, leading with my chest instead of my hips and... what's more... I can hover. I can hover. I can hold myself an inch off the floor for about 10 seconds without struggling. Wow, I never thought I'd see the day.

Anyway... sure enough, Mark walks in class tonight and almost as though he knew I was mentally tooting my own horn about my great arms... he humbled me. Not with spite, obviously. And not in a way that made me think, "Oh, I'm not so strong as I thought after all." There was no mental frowning. He humbled me but he gave me confidence. He worked my arms. He let them show themselves off (again, only to myself) but he also seemed to let them know that they certainly aren't done. I'm digressing, but it was exciting. It was like my arms were getting a chance to be excited about the adventure that lay before them. Lucky for me Mark will be teaching the next 2 Tuesdays, so they'll probably get some more action, those arms.

The point is... I am beginning to wonder. How much of this "speaking to me" is just chance? How many times can that happen? Could it be that the message is just all encompassing, so it could speak to anyone in any situation? (The thing is, I know I've been skeptical about this kind of stuff and I'm very, very hesitant because the words I'm going to have to use, for lack of any better, are going to have a religious connotation, despite my not intending them to have one at all.) But I really just don't know if I think it's all chance anymore.

Laura said in her blog the other day, "I believe in energy." And I loved that. Simply and beautifully said. So now I'm really thinking I'm on my way to tapping into that energy, that it's really there. I think it's energy that goes by many different names: God, Brahma, Allah, Mother Earth etc etc. But tonight I think I realized it's there. I believe in it. I believe in Energy. It's there for us to touch 24/7. It's speaking to each of us in every moment. All we have to do is come to the moment, to learn to be alive, and it can be ours.

breathing in, breathing out

2008-10-06T20:25:00.004-05:00

I've decided to start a meditation routine in addition to my yoga practice. There are moments in class that I am in deep relaxation and I feel like I can feel the tiniest bit of real, true presence and I think that's something worth developing and reaching for. Thich Nhat Hahn said in Buddha Mind, Buddha Body that unless you are present in this moment then you aren't really alive because you're living in the past or the future or in a fantasy. But presence, alertness, mindfulness in this moment... that is to be alive. Sometimes we get so caught up in what we're worried about and some place that isn't right here and we're just losing all this time... all these moments... all these nows... exactly where life is happening. I've been one of those people and it's caused me suffering. So with diligence and intention, little by little I'm going to learn to be really, really alive. Not threatened by the silence, but amazed by the vastness. Not a slave to my mind, but a master of it. Not reactive towards my emotions but just simply aware of them.

Slowly but surely, I'm going to learn to be.

“Life can be found only in the present moment. The past is gone, the future is not yet here, and if we do not go back to ourselves in the present moment, we cannot be in touch with life.”
Thich Nhat Hahn

just be

2008-09-29T21:42:00.007-05:00

Another reminder of our ideas of perfection showed up in yoga class today. I mentioned it before, about the bread: I had to let go of the idea of what "perfect" bread would be and once I did that, I discovered that what I had made was perfect because it was made with intention, concentration and mindfulness. Today, one yogi asked our instructor for tips on coming into a pose with more ease, such that it would "look right" or "look better." It lead into this conversation about what is "right" in yoga and the lesson came up. What is right? What is perfect? There's freedom in letting go of this notion. Once you can do that, you can see things as they are in this moment. Where your body is in this moment, that is perfect. What your body can do in this moment, that is perfect. When you lack the notion of perfection, you lack the notion of failure. When you lack the notion of beauty, you lack the notion of ugly. When you lack notions, you gain the freedom to simply be.

Ironically, all the moving and bending and stretching that we do in yoga is to prepare our bodies to be still. We are doing these postures so that we can meditate, so that we can just be.

Namaste,
j.e.n.

zen and the art of baking bread

2008-09-27T21:08:00.002-05:00

Today I made bread. It was a process that took me the better part of 4 hours. It consisted of mixing, stirring, waiting. Stirring and waiting some more. Stirring and waiting some more. Molding and waiting some more. Baking and waiting some more. It took patience (and a surprising amount of physical strength, might I add!).

When it was done. It was splendid. It's no secret that I tend to get stressed out when I cook. If it's not perfect or how I envisioned it to be, I can get upset and deflated. But, in another illustration of the freedom of non-expectancy, I started working on my bread with this attitude: "What's the worst that could happen? It might be inedible. So I'll try it again, if that's the case. This won't be a failure, or a disaster. It will be an attempt." And it was spectacular. Does it look "perfect"? No. But it's beautiful and it's delicious, because I made it with my own hands. It took me an entire afternoon. And when I ate it, it wasn't just any old bread. I savored it because I worked on it. I am a part of that bread.

It was made with sincerity. I was present as I made my bread. I focused on the stirring, the kneading, the shaping as I was doing it, and nothing else. I was eating dinner, then, and I was really overwhelmed with happiness... and yes... it was because of my bread. It was like I could taste the presence. I was appreciative of everything non-bread that went into making that bread.

"Sincerity is the quality where your imperfections show." Zen Master Edward Espe Brown

lotus in full bloom

2008-09-27T15:40:00.005-05:00

If there's been anything about my life that has been a struggle this week, it was with some health issues. I've made it no secret that I previously struggled with an eating disorder. I'm extremely proud to say that it has been more than one month since I've even had a thought about restricting or anything related to anorexia. A new outlook of mindfulness and working on the habit of happiness have done wonders for me. Unfortunately, there are still daily reminders of my past that take the form of health ailments. My negative mind created negative effects in my body, in my physiology. Last week I was upset with myself. The realization that the reasons for my discomforts were self-inflicted was very saddening for me. I couldn't believe that I had done this to myself, that I had so disrespected myself. In the past month I've experienced for the first time ever, the beauty, strength and power that is my body, yet here was this reminder of how I had been damaging that.

Tuesday I went to the doctor. My attempts to remedy these problems on my own were not sufficient. This is just the beginning but I can feel myself, my organs getting stronger again. Some medicine plus some ayurvedic natural remedies combined to give my body what it needs to function. Today, I was blown away by the realization of my own resiliency. My spirit has bounced back and now, my body will too. For that, I am ever grateful.

I'm grateful for a strong mind, that decided enough was enough and back in July 2007 determined it was time for a change. I'm grateful for the continued strength to walk down a rocky path, constantly reminding myself of what was waiting for me at the end. I'm grateful for the support that my friends and family offered me all this time, despite being themselves confused by my behavior and unsure of how they could help me. I'm grateful they didn't leave me alone. I'm grateful for this body, that I battled against for so long but that didn't leave me either. I'm grateful for this whole fight, this whole struggle; it has delivered me to a great place in life. I'm grateful for ever-growing mindfulness, patience, flexibility, compassion.

I'm grateful to you, to me, to the earth, to energy, to resiliency, to my breath, to impermanence, to continuation, to inter-being, to the present, to the past.

This is the habit of happiness.

Namaste,
j.e.n.

saying my peace

2008-09-24T22:05:00.003-05:00

Global mala weekend left me feeling like I'd been on spa holiday and it's carried over through this whole week. I feel pretty serene and calm. Global mala invited me to work on building compassion, to send out positive energy into the world. Karma reminds us that the energy we put out into the world will return to us, whether it is positive or negative. On my mat last Saturday, I stopped doing sun salutations just to be doing 108 of them. Instead, I dedicated every movement I made to someone I love, to people I know, to people I don't, to people who need peace all over the world. And this week, I am peaceful. I'm amazed that I was capable of creating this energy. It transforms me every day.

"I'm a human being. Not a human doing, not a human thinking. A human being." Deepak Chopra

global mala

2008-09-20T21:31:00.004-05:00

Well, if I didn't know it before, I know it now. I realized Friday morning as I was doing my practice before work that I had a sangha- a community- in yoga. The last few yoga classes had seen all of us students talking more and getting to know each other. But tonight takes the cake.

Together we were one entity, completing 108 sun salutations, as did so many other yoga practitioners across the globe, in the name of world peace. Afterwards, we ate dinner together and it hit me like a wave again. I have belong to a sangha. We sat there, people of all ages and walks of life, with this one, amazing link between us that goes deeper than you might imagine-- our yoga practice. We talked about what it meant to us and how we got into it to begin with. We talked about completely non-yoga things. But no matter what the subject, I couldn't help but feel this sense of one-ness with all these people.

Chris ends every yoga class with this phrase, "I honor the light in each of you that is the same light in me. Namaste." That's what the one-ness felt like. Honestly... I don't think I've passed a more content night in Evansville since I moved here. I'll tell you what, too: I'm not going to miss much about this city come January, but above all of it... I will miss my sangha.

namaste,
j.e.n.

my body is a temple

2008-09-16T20:41:00.003-05:00

This week I'm praising my body. I know I've been working up to it for a few weeks, but it just feels like over night my body has suddenly become able to do things it couldn't before. It's stronger, more limber. It's amazing.

I'm proud of the changes I'm seeing and feeling, and what's more, I'm realizing, finally, how much respect my body deserves. It's precious and I'm going to treat it that way.

his trikonasana is such a turn on

2008-09-11T20:00:00.006-05:00

In life, there is such a thing as a "non-sexual crush," which is essentially an umbrella. Under this umbrella is the all-important "intellectual crush". And today I'd like to add a new category. I think I'll call it a "divine crush." What's this all about?

I have a divine crush on my Wednesday night flow yoga teacher. He's tall, lanky (very bendy, you can imagine), a hippie. He's cute enough, I suppose. You can tell he's full of tranquility and calmness. Very endearing. These are all good qualities, sure. But where it's really at is in the spirituality of it all. Not only do I leave feeling absolutely amazing, tall, and physically fit... but I leave feeling so mentally sound. Now I realize that I generally leave um... EVERY yoga class feeling this way but he's the only guy teacher so he's an easy target. Any guy that spends an hour and a half making me feel that way is definitely going to find himself as the apple of Jenny's eye, that's for sure. Mmmmyogateachergurummmmmm.

In other news. Plans are pretty much official now, so, some of you know and some of you are hearing it here first: I'm moving back to St. Louis in January 2009. A whole new chapter of my life is going to be opening up and I really couldn't be more excited about it. I'm not ready to reveal all the plans just yet, but I've figured out what it is I actually WANT to do for the rest of my life and St. Louis is where I'm going to start.
In the wake of this great place of stability in which I've found myself, I've also found that my attitude towards St. Louis has changed too. It doesn't represent the younger, more naive, more dependent Jenny anymore. Now, it's the new horizon. The Gateway to the Rest of My Life. It's going to be good. I have to thank Evansville for what it's done for me. I've changed for the better, and I wouldn't have gotten here if it hadn't been for this city. I've learned so much about myself. But in January, I have to go. Evansville, I discovered, was just here to serve a purpose in my life. It fulfilled it's duty and it's time to move on.

Again I remember the quote about preferring the journey to the destination, and I think that this just might be the most anticipated journey for me yet.

namaste,
j.e.n.

when bad lighting is what you want

2008-09-09T19:07:00.006-05:00

Yea folks, you're getting a two-fer.

The exciting thing about yoga class is that with every class, I leave having learned something new about myself or having discovered new depth to my being. Sometimes it's a physical capability, sometimes it's a personality trait.

Today was sort of both.

To begin with, it was Fusion, which meant that we have a different teacher, a different style of yoga and it's a little more... aerobic. Today I got to class and our teacher had all the fluorescent lights on. No soft lighting, no incense burning... it was like being in a gym. She was talkative, she interacted more with us, engaged in conversations about poses while we were doing them in a way that was more "teacher" than it was "yogi" or "guru". Her style was different from what I've been experiencing: a calmer, subdued personality and an atmosphere that promotes an introversion of sorts, or concentration on the inner-self. At first I was thinking, "geez, I came here to unwind, to think, to zen out. Not to walk into a bright room like this and chit chat." But as class went on, the fluorescent light became a bit more symbolic. Sometimes, we need to do our yoga in a bright light, to see where it is we need to improve. What's more, sometimes we need to be reminded that there's room to improve.

The fluorescent light put my expectations and my ego in check. For starters, like I mentioned in my post earlier today, I walked into class today with an expectation of how it was going to be. I had set myself up to disappointed. Instead, I should go to class expecting nothing and everything simultaneously. Each experience is going to be different, as it should be, and it's up to me to accept the way things are and respond accordingly, making the most of the situation.

Secondly, this class reminded me, very positively, that I have room to improve. Our instructor helped me align myself correctly, and introduced me to the way certain poses should feel. At first, I was embarrassed. Just yesterday I raved to Erin that the instructor (a different one) had complimented one of my poses, and now here I was being corrected. I started to get agitated, with the instructor and with myself. Then I realized, I should be thankful that this "fluorescent light" was on me, like the unattractive lights in a dressing room... Feeling a posture correctly, understanding it fully and recognizing what I needed to do became refreshing for me. I'm there to improve myself, physically and mentally. And that's just what happened today.

I began the class a little disconcerted, and thinking I would be unfulfilled after our 75 minutes were up. Instead, I left class with a better foundation and consequently greater confidence, but also a different kind of zen. I was, in the end, really happy with this class, hoping to experience this instructor's yoga again in the future.

namaste,
jenny

just let go

2008-09-09T15:50:00.003-05:00

The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, worry about the future, or anticipate troubles, but to live in the present moment wisely and earnestly.
Buddha

I've had a lot of thinking to do lately... a big decision to make. I knew all along the choice I would make but I was anxious and apprehensive. I realized I was doing two things I shouldn't. I was mourning for the past year and considering it "lost". At the same time I was thinking of the troubles I expect to experience next year. Despite knowing I was making the right choice for the long run, these are the things I was thinking. Then this quote popped into my head. I realized instead of mourning, instead of thinking of the things left behind, I should be grateful for them and just simply remember them. They've brought me where I am today. I've really, really started discovering me, and I should remember this time, this place and this life as being major contributors to that.

Similarly, instead of anticipating what the future will bring, I have to let it simply happen. My expectations will most definitely not be met or, because my mentality going into the immediate future might carry a slightly negative load, they will be a self-fulfilling prophesy. So I have to let go of those expectations, but remain focused on things positively.

It was the moment I made this realization today, when this quote from Buddha tapped me on the shoulder, that I suddenly and without resistance, let go. I detached myself from the past and stopped craning my neck to see the future. I am where I am. I have made my decision.

And I am content with it all. My worries over this decision are gone.

Namaste,
Jenny

do you hear what i hear?

2008-09-08T21:11:00.003-05:00

He who binds himself to a joy
Does the winged life destroy;
But he who kisses the joy as it flies
Lives in eternity's sunrise.
-William Blake

Om shanti shanti shanti.

this instant

2008-09-04T21:10:00.005-05:00

I'm finding myself to be distracted by impatience today. I'm distracted by the plans and decisions I've made. Instead of focusing on the present, I'm obsessed with the future. I felt noticeably irritable today, while my mind was constantly begging to be elsewhere and the present was forcing me back to where I was, where I am.

So now I'm asking myself, how do I live right now, in today? Buddha teaches that we suffer because we desire. This is something that has proven to me over and over again in my life. Meditation instructs us to be mindful of these sensations, acknowledge them for what they are, and then release them. A person should stay present, focused on this instant. It's these instants that will walk me towards my future plans. It's these instants that, when cast aside, are lost forever. Ignored, they are chances missed to be prepared for the future I hope to create.

Here I am then, giving myself a new task: to be mindful of the moment, the instant, the now. There is nothing but now.

quotables

2008-08-31T18:06:00.002-05:00

Things turn out best for the people who make the best out of the way things turn out.

Art Linkletter

Being myself includes taking risks with myself, taking risks on new behaviour, trying new ways of being myself, so that I can see how it is I want to be.

Hugh Prather

And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
Anais Nin

Strides

2008-08-28T21:20:00.002-05:00

I have an idea. I think I found something that would fit... But it's going to take some time... so I'm keeping it to myself. I don't want to jinx it. Sorry for the teaser...

But I'm really excited if it works out. :)

I'm still feeling really good, really healthy. Better even, and more in control than the last time I wrote.

destination: beautiful

2008-08-17T08:25:00.005-05:00

It feels like fall outside this today. Or at least I got that "fall" feeling while I was sitting on my balcony, enjoying a cup of coffee and a sunny, crisp morning. Right behind that feeling came of wave of happiness. Sometimes it seems like everyone is fighting so hard to be happy and trying to convince themselves they're happy; and they even think they are. But sitting outside for those few minutes was when I really knew it. It was happiness and contentment. It was quick, flashed by me in a wave, but it was there. It made its presence known.

I feel like something has happened to me in the past few weeks. Everyday I wake up and feel like I've changed a little, like I've matured, grown into myself. I feel as though I've taken control of myself. Like I own myself, everything about myself. I've never really felt like this before in my life, this kind of maturity. There's this sense of confidence, self-assuredness, stability and strength.

I'm almost taken aback by it. I see a lot of beauty right now, a lot of good.

Wow.

Loves it.

Things I Learned This Weekend

2008-08-03T22:32:00.006-05:00

1. Bests should never go 8 months without seeing each other.
2. High school parties are best experienced as 24 year olds who can make a drinking game out of the hilarious situation around them.
3. It's best to keep tabs on Molly.
4. I have the best parents ever and I'm really glad that now that their nest is empty, they get to focus on themselves for a change.
5. I officially prefer cats to dogs.
6. Given the right circumstances, I don't really hate St. Louis like I claim I do.
7. I'd be nothing with out my Best. Seriously. Nothing.

(It's only upon reading this after I posted that I questioned how many times I could use the word "best" in one blog...)

waxin' on a bit cheesy-like

2008-07-06T15:01:00.004-05:00

Well, I'll tell you what. Things sure have turned around since the last few times I blogged. I'm not gonna lie, I was pretty down. But you know what happened? Well, I just let it go. The whole of it. And today, what I can honestly say is, I feel happy. And I feel healthy.

It's that magical combination I learned about last fall of gaining control by relinquishing it. I've got a handy new mantra, I've got a positive outlook, I see endless horizons. My energy is focused on those who are willing to focus back on me. My head's in the right place again.

This is really, truly the first time I've felt really, actually, truthfully happy in Evansville.

What a joy.

what would scott say?

2008-06-05T23:24:00.003-05:00

I feel a little homesick but not for a physical place. No, I miss my best friend.

Let's play, bestie!

an ode to you

2008-05-18T23:22:00.004-05:00

The sister.
The childhood best friend.
The newest addition.
The unexpected hero.

These people, in the last two weeks, have made me incredibly grateful, whether they know it or not. Everything from listening and accepting without judgment, to being there at the right time, to reminding me while everything changes and will continue to change, the bond never will. None of them are here geographically but the distance lately has melted away. Sitting here thinking about it, I'm finally realizing how lucky I am.

I hope I've given you all even a morsel of what you've given me recently. Thank you.

positive

2008-05-06T22:08:00.003-05:00

There's a lot of potentially positive things on the horizon. It's a time to remember that there are ups after the downs. Some things carry more certainty than others right now but what's more important is that regardless of what happens, it's the getting there that's offering me the most excitement at present. It's good to be focusing again on the journey and not controlling the outcome.

"All that we are is the result of what we have thought. The mind is everything. What we think we become. " The Buddha

another mile marker

2008-05-03T22:47:00.004-05:00

So it seems I let a month slip by without posting here. Whoops. Now we're at month marker number 4 in Evansville. I wonder when I'm going to stop counting...

In the past month, I've definitely had ups and downs. Things are constantly changing and sometimes I struggle with that, but I feel like I'm getting a handle on it a little bit better now.

I'm going to start volunteering soon at a place called VistaCare. It's a hospice that operates in the EVV area. I start some patient care training on Monday. I'm really excited about it. I think it's going to feel really good to do something that makes me feel like I'm making a difference.

Things at CMC are going well. The French calls have quickly passed into the "just another annoying phone call" category. But I'm starting to meet and hang with more people that I work with and that alone is making the job about 30 times more tolerable. I even got a complimentary call the other day. Someone I spoke to called a supervisor to tell them that I (and I quote) "restored his faith in the credit union and customer service." It was kind of neat and validating, in a lame, I-work-in-a-call-center sort of way.

I also got a new toy. The iBook was threatening to crash and take all my music and pictures with it, so I bit the bullet and bought a new MacBook, which I'm quite enjoying. Sissy and I have taken to video conferencing on Skype, which as been really fun. It's nice to get to actually see here and sort of feel like we're hanging out for a change. God love the internet.

So, right now, I'm feeling pretty decent. I had a good weekend spent with good company. I laughed a lot, and I think that's a good way to start off month 5.

3 months, or a lifetime

2008-04-05T08:31:00.004-05:00

Yesterday was my 3 months in Evansville. Has it really only been 3 months? Que la vie change vite. (So, my audience is going to have to get over the fact that my blogs from here on out are going to be riddled with French phrases, just because that's the way I'm thinking now...) I really feel like I've been here for a year or longer. This month was successful because I'd been in the mood to go running a fair amount and consequently, I learned a lot of short cuts that help me avoid busy and obnoxious Evansville streets. Woohoo!

Another milestone, of course, is the completion of my first full week of Québecois. It had its ups and downs, but over all I don't guess I can complain. The good thing is I realized that everyone knows how big of a challenge it is, and no one at CMC expects me to be perfect. Read: They don't think I'm a fraud and they aren't going to fire me. Haha. That helped lower the stress level a bit, but I am still beat from this week. It really is amazing how tired a little mental strife can make a person.

I've been thinking a lot lately about goals. My main goal now is to conquer Québecois. But I got to wondering what I'll do once I do that. (And rest assured, I will.) Because the truth is, once that happens, I'll probably stop liking my job. (Yea I said it... this week I actually considered the fact that I might like my job.) But I'm enjoying it because of the stress and the excitement of struggling through a French call. (Saying that is going to bite me in the ass next week, I can feel it.) So once that becomes "easy," I'm going to get bored. It's just what I do. Ask anyone who knows me.

Alors, quelques questions: What's next? What do I want to do after this? Where do I want to go? Who do I want to go with, if anyone at all? How far should I go? Shouldn't I start saving money?

Should I go to Canada? or... Why shouldn't I go to Canada? Ignoring the face that I'll spend the entirety of my time there shivering, I'm thinking... why not? If I'd already be accustomed to the language, why shouldn't I head up that way and see what it has to offer? I could speak French in a job up there. I'd have experience on my side. And just like everything else in life, it wouldn't necessarily be permanent and it'd probably be a hell of a lot of fun.

But to return to goals less specific... I think it's time to start making a list. (And don't we all know how much I love to make a list...) It's time to start brainstorming. It's time to start thinking of another way to throw my life off balance and force myself to put it back at some kind of equilibrium.

'Coz heaven's forbid it if life were to get easy.

enfin, j'y fais face

2008-03-29T11:08:00.002-05:00

It's finally happened. I've started taking French-Canadian calls at work. No kidding, very likely one of the scariest things I've ever done in my life. It shouldn't be, right? But it is. This is it. My degree, in action. There's no more "whatever, it's just for class." No one cares if I still consider myself learning. It's French-on-demand, understand and be understood or... it's my job.

The first day (Thursday), I coulda cried all day long. I was so unnerved. I don't remember the last time I had myself so freakin' worked up over something. I survived but I was completely frazzled. Thursday night I was so unnerved about doing it again Friday that I couldn't sleep. Friday was a smidge better. I figure it'll get better every day.

And besides, behind all my nervousness lies excitement. I mean... FINALLY! I wanted to use French and here I go. Holy cow. I'm also really excited about the doors that will be opened up by knowing Québecois. As far as being in North America goes, that's gonna be a good, marketable skill.

It's going to continue to be a challenge for me for a while, and there's probably going to be days where I really do cry... but oh well. That can only last for so long, right?

Right?...

it's the thought

2008-03-19T07:37:00.000-05:00

Well, it was a good and romantic thought I was having, when I thought I'd be better at keeping up with a blog the nth time around. It would have worked like in the past, perhaps, if all other variables were held constant. But that's not life, now is it?

So, in keeping with that, a lot's changed since March 1. First and foremost, there was the departure of Audra. She's gone to bigger and better things in Texas. I'm naturally very happy for her and naturally very selfishly sad she's gone.

Again I find myself pondering this phenomenon in my life that always has my best friends moving away. Holly. Erin. Laura. Audra. Le sigh. It's been so long since I've had a best friend conveniently close that I can hardly remember what it was like. But I guess that's just the times in which we live, eh? Everybody's global. Everybody's moving... And it was pointed out to me last night (this is such an easy point to overlook...) that I did some of that moving away myself.

Aaaah, touchée.

The other big news is the arrival of Lily, the kitty, into my life. She's been with me for almost two weeks now. She's a pretty great kitten; we have a swell time together.

Work's work. I've been relatively busy there lately, which I guess is a good thing. I learned the English part of the client that also speaks French. Now that I've had about a week to get used to their procedure, I think they're adding the French part in around Friday or Monday. That should be fun. I'm getting eager to start using the French. I think it'll make things more interesting.

Today and tomorrow are my days off this week and I've given myself a special project. It's called: make my apartment look less like a dorm room. Sounds fun, huh? I got me a little budget set aside for some bookcases, slip covers etc, etc and we're gonna nip this thing in the butt, once and for all. My other special project is to get a mini-garden started here soon. Or at least to get the things I need to grow something. I'm thinking cherry tomatoes. Or peppers.

Next exciting thing in life is that tomorrow my beloved Hodes will be in town along with Hilary Clinton. Whee! By great luck I'm off and I get to go with him to watch her speak. Chris even made us t-shirts! Mine says, "Hoosier President? Hilary 08". I'm so clever...

At any rate. Special project calls... Must be scootin'...

hip to be square

2008-03-01T07:38:00.004-06:00

Things I have:

a cubicle
an telephone extension
a work email
a server's apron
a server's book

Things I don't have:

free time

This morning is the first time I've felt like I've had a moment to breath, yet even this is going to be short lived because I have obligations that will keep me busy for most, if not all, of the day. And there's no day off this week, either. I'm in the middle of a 12-day working marathon. Errands have to be done in the few precious hours between working and sleeping. Next priority in line is finding time to see friends. If there's a minute or two left after that, I'm trying to get some pilates in. Then comes blogging and facebook and the internet fun I used to put above everything else.

WHAT?! Yes folks, you heard it here first: I only check facebook about once a day.

I don't know yet whether or not I'm complaining about my new priority set. I don't think I am. It's not bad. It's just different. Life is just different these days. It's still weird that I'm not on a school schedule. It's still weird that I'm not going on spring break in a few weeks, or ever again , for that matter. And it's weird that I don't miss it. Whatever it is I got going on right now... I think I kinda dig it.

What's coming up for me is the 2 month mark in Evansville. 2 months?? Is that it? I haven't been here for a year? It sure feels that way, at least. Things change fast. The distance between me and college-me is growing greater every day. I guess it's kind of weird, but it gets trumped by the normalcy of it all, in the end.

On that note... The sun is out and the day promises to be beautiful. It's time to get off my butt.

A Sometimes Moment

2008-02-24T17:28:00.004-06:00

Sometimes I just have one of those days where I am very impressed by life for something seemingly very trivial. Sometimes on those days I can pinpoint the triviality. Today was one of those days.

Today I realized how much I love to travel. As a matter of fact, I much prefer it to arriving.*

*I have totally stolen that quote from someone somewhere, but I don't recall where I got it from and unfortunately then, can't give credit where credit is due. Whoops.

all work and no play

2008-02-22T06:39:00.004-06:00

Okay, you caught me. I've been seriously slacking. And by slacking I mean, I've been slacking when it comes to doing the things I normally do when I'm being a slacker.

It's Friday, which means if I'm gonna blog today then I gotta do it now. Fridays begin the second part of my work week, when I do my time at The Fox. And THAT means that once I leave the apartment at about 7:30 this morning, I won't be home again until tomorrow.

Here's the way I've been thinking about it: CMC satisfies the part of me that thrives off of routine. The Fox feeds the bit that needs things to change and be exciting. The Fox is also my weekly dose of a social life. During the week I'm asleep by 10. When all your friends work at or operate on a bar schedule, that makes getting together kind of difficult. When I'm at The Fox, I finally get to see everyone again and be the Jenny I'm used to being, as opposed to the new Jenny, who's more of an adult. (No negative connotations there, by the way. That's the interesting thing about it all: both Jenny's feel right to me.)

I just suddenly wondered how long it will be before this schedule burns me out. I recognize that the Fox is only a "social life" because I'm still actually working, as opposed to a social life. (Notice the difference between quotations and none...)

One day I'm gonna need a real night off, a cold beer and a DD.

if it can go wrong...

2008-02-12T18:53:00.000-06:00

I want to tell you all a story. A story about my morning.

Disclaimer: I couldn't make this up if I wanted to...

My alarm goes off at 6 a.m. and I'm ready to go. I'm tired, but I'm ready for the day. I'm well aware that we've got some bad weather this morning so I'm prepared to leave the apartment an hour before I need to work in order to defrost and de-ice. By 7:00 I'm out the door and ready to tackle the 1/2 inch thick layer of ice coating my car. I turn the ol' girl on to get her warmed up, I set my purse down and my breakfast is waiting for me in the passenger seat. There's a piping hot cup of coffee to warm my insides sitting in the cup holder. I get out of the car, shut the door slightly and I see it.

My door has inadvertently been locked. You wouldn't think it's a big deal because I've got a spare set of keys. Only it IS a big deal because my spare keys are precisely where they shouldn't be: in my car as well.

"Nooooooooooooooooooooo!" Literally. I'm in the parking lot yelling at myself. I don't know what to do, so I go knock on my neighbor's door. I wake the poor girl up and beg for any help she can offer me. She doesn't have a phone book for me to call a locksmith, but she suggests I go try to find the maintenance guy. So I jaunt over to the office and I see that the steps are coated in ice too. Ice thicker than what's on my car. Carefully, I climb the steps. I make it up to the top safely, only to be crushed upon discovering the office doesn't open til 9. It's 7:15. I'm making my way down the icy steps and I stumble. I'm losing my balance, I'm sliding. I must have bypassed 4 whole steps, but I land on the ground, on my feet. Only there's no traction and I'm down. I bang me knee, and I land on my wrist. My wrist is fine (I didn't see the blood until later...) and I'm feeling okay about my knee (I didn't start limping til later). Mostly I'm just glad no one was around for that show.

So it's back to the neighbor's. She gives me a wire hanger to work with while she tries to find someone to help. It starts raining. 10 minutes later she makes it back with the maintenance guy and a phonebook. He starts working with the wire hanger and I'm off to call my work, and maybe a locksmith. I'm jogging toward my neighbor, who is standing there with her dog, Blue, on a leash. Well Blue apparently does not like people running at his momma because when I get close enough he runs up to me and bites my leg.

I shit you not people. I. SHIT. YOU. NOT.

My neighbor is super apologetic and luckily, Blue didn't break the skin or anything. It wasn't til I got to work that I noticed the huge welt and the mouth shaped bruise now gracing my right calf. A few minutes later, the maintenance guy successfully breaks into my car. I officially leave for work at 7:50 am. I'm only 20 minutes late.

Now let's make a list of what happened:
1. locked 2 sets of keys in the car
2. fall down set of icy steps
3. get bit by dog

ALL BEFORE 8:00 A.M. What the hell, man.

You know, I wanted to cry several times. I wanted to scream. I wanted to give up and run away. But I didn't. As a matter of fact, once I had myself in the car and headed to work, I think I laughed for half of my commute. I mean, honestly. The whole situation was absurdly hilarious. And I hope you're all laughing, too.

It's an occupational hazard of being independent, I guess. But I learned a good lesson. Yea, I got beat up this morning, but I survived. It all worked out. The world didn't end. And it wasn't long before I was laughing about it.

Sigh.

It's only Tuesday.

And in case you were wondering, I got to eat my breakfast, but my coffee had gotten kinda cold by the time I made it in to the car. Eh well. Oh, and despite all my bruises, I'm totally cool. Just kinda swollen and maybe a little bit sore.

rage against the machine

2008-02-11T20:40:00.000-06:00

I think it's best that I hold off from talking about the new job until I've given it more of a chance. As of this moment, I can't exactly gush. But let's just say, I missed the Fox today.

Bad.

evaluation

2008-02-07T13:11:00.000-06:00

I'm starting my new job on Monday morning and I'm feeling conflicted. On one hand, this job is what I came to Evansville for, for the most part, and I get to use my degree and speak French. That's cool. On the other hand, it's starting to look more and more like a dead end. It's a 9 to 5 type deal that guarantees to be predictable and to cut the spontaneous bit out of my life.

I've started to wonder. Am I the 9 to 5 type? I mean... really? I've always loved my jobs I've held that were laid back and weren't heavy on the structure. I've started questioning myself. Was I looking for a 9 to 5 because I thought that's what I was supposed to do, and not necessarily what I wanted to do? Because I didn't know what else to do? Is this really me?

I'm nervous about this new job because I'm not so sure it is. I don't want to live by what society says I should be doing with my life now. I don't want to convince myself that there's anything I have to do, besides making rent. I still don't know about the rest of my life and I don't think that's a bad thing. I've never been happy doing things because I thought that's what I was supposed to be doing.

I think the real Jenny is pretty free spirit and the real Jenny is a little nervous that she's going to be stifled.

impressionable me

2008-02-05T00:02:00.000-06:00

It's amazing to me how the company you surround yourself with can influence your mentality. I know that I am my own person and I make my own choices and that I do these things for myself, but I can't deny that I take a little bit of something from the people I am around, and I think the same is true for most everyone else.

The past almost week or so I have felt happy and healthy. I think part of that is because of the company I'm keeping lately. I don't want to risk sounding like I'm amoreuse d'elle, so I won't go much farther than expressing my thankfulness for having met a person so quickly down here that I feel will be a life long friend. Our similarities keep surfacing and our differences seem to balance each other out.

I can't even express how neat it is to have met someone who is about as "go where the wind blows" as I am. It affirms that I'm not completely mad and that there is no reason to rush to bring my uncertainties certainty. It's a relief to find another outlet for accepting and embracing the spontaneous. It's been a long time since I realized the sincere openness of my horizons and actually was excited about it.

Friends really are where it's at, man.

one month in

2008-02-04T00:40:00.000-06:00

Happy one month anniversary, Evansville.

So far, so good.

The Next Right Thing

2008-01-31T00:41:00.001-06:00

Jane and I used to talk about what it was like internalizing all my feelings the way I have a tendency of doing. The way I was just carrying all of this garbage around with me as if it were hidden under my coat. It was weighing me down mentally, all the while I was convinced something was weighing me down physically. Instead of carrying my emotions with me, Jane encouraged me to share them with others and see how much that lightened my load. It's so cliché, but it's also so true. After my last post, my mood has been altered drastically.

I feel like I've regained some of my focus and my drive. Today, when I was with my friend Audra, I could feel myself concentrating more on building new bonds and opening myself up to her in ways Ed doesn't let me do. It's so hard to pay attention to the world around me when I'm letting Ed whisper in my ear 24 hours a day. Today was a good day because I realized that I have found someone in Evansville who I am really compatible with. I'm excited about this new friendship and getting to add someone else to my support system. It was so freeing to be fully committed to enjoying my time with Audra. I told Ed to shut up and let me be and he was silent today. On this day, I listened to Jenny, the REAL Jenny, and Audra, laughing about things that happened Tuesday and getting excited about the fun we'll be having tonight.

I also got to experience and share in the absolute JOY that my sister experienced on Wednesday when she married the love of her life! I am so happy that I got be 100% in that moment with her (mentally). I would've hated for Ed to steal that from me.

The other thing I did was to read in my book "Life After Ed." I turned to the section where the author is writing about relapsing. I realized that these bumps in the road aren't the be all and end all of my recovery. I haven't failed miserably. It doesn't have to be the way that it was and if I have a night where I binge, I have NO obligation to restrict the next day. Instead, I have to "do the next right thing," she says. I will NOT deny myself a meal. I will pick myself up, put myself back together and get going again on the healthy track.

The things restricting did to me physically are frightening. The things restricting did to me mentally are equally as worrisome. I don't want to be there again. I'm seeing once more how restricting is not the answer and feeling that welcome feeling of real happiness that comes from just letting go.

Before I sign off, I just want to send one more huge congratulations to my sister and my brother-in-law (even though I've considered LB my brother for years now!) on their marriage. I am SO happy for you two! I wish I could've been there but I'm sincerely looking forward to the time when we can all be together celebrating our family! I love you guys!

my story

2008-01-29T16:39:00.000-06:00

I struggle with anorexia and I have been for nearly a year and a half now. I started getting help last semester and I made huge improvements. Now that I'm in Evansville and on my own, I don't really have the resources just yet to carry on with therapy. So I'm out here to trying to remember everything Jane helped me realize and trying to apply it to my every day life. It's all up to me now. Long story short: it hasn't been easy. Everyday is a battle and a process. I won't pretend either that I haven't had days of restriction. I'm not perfect and I've made mistakes along the way in my recovery. It almost seems natural that I would slip up a little. I'm no pro at this recovery deal. And that's okay.

Truth be told, I almost expected it to happen. I'm in a new place, starting from scratch, working a schedule that doesn't allow for too much consistency, worrying about new, adult things and trying to figure out the path certain elements of my life are taking. I'm out of my comfort zone and this translates to one thing: that same old feeling of not being in control.
This is the root of all my evils, I've discovered.

Part of what I did with my eating disorder (who will henceforth be called Ed) was restrict in order to control SOMETHING when I felt like everything else was out of my grasp. What happened was I lost even more control over my life because I was actually giving it all over to Ed. And let me tell you something about Ed. He's one smooth talker. He had (and lately he's been trying to make that present-tense) a way of convincing me the things I did were good for me. He would build me up one second and tear me down the next.

Last semester I learned, first, to stop listening to him and to decide for myself what was good and bad. Then, and possibly most importantly, I learned to disagree with him and to mean it. I realized Ed was a jerk and no good for me. I separated from Ed.

Now, I've made friends here in Evansville, but it's still too soon for any of these to stand up to the deeper relationships time and circumstances have had me move away from (geographically, I mean). Suffice it to say, I have moments of loneliness here. These are the moments that Ed stands up in his little corner of my mind that he still occupies and tries to remind me he's someone who's "there for me." And like I said earlier... there have been days lately that I've listened to him and come dangerously close to letting him back in my life.

The point of this blog, I realized last night, is going to be to work it out-- outside of my head and with the help of the people that love me most. Because the truth is, I haven't stopped needing you all and I haven't stopped struggling. And I don't want Ed to be my confidant anymore. I want you all because I don't want the false happiness that Ed offers me.

I want the real thing.

a new start and a continuance

2008-01-29T03:30:00.000-06:00

I don't want to say that I'm doing this because everyone else did it. I actually re-formatted this old girl, I believe, around the time my friends seemed to be doing the same (all from our respective geographic locations). I started to make a post and then I changed my mind. But I will, in fact, give credit where credit is due and say that seeing all of their blogs reappear gave me that last little push to actually try this one more time.

That being said... I don't know that I'm going to say anything just yet about starting this blog over again for a couple reasons: 1) I don't have a lot of interesting observations about life. It's requiring enough effort just to get through it unscathed. 2) There's a lot of things I keep private (almost to a fault). This makes it hard to find things to say in a public diary.

On the other hand, keeping things to myself hasn't exactly landed me in too many healthy positions. Maybe this could be a good outlet for me. Maybe that's a better way to look at it.

Here's the deal: it's 3:39 in the morning. I've been home from work for about 40 minutes now and I'm kind of getting tired. I don't really have the energy or desire to go deeper than this today.